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@tianpossum

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whatever i was gonna say can't possibly be funnier than the mere existence of this draft
time to make a post on tumblr. surely no one will interpret it to be as offensive and bad intentioned as possible.
by talos this cant be happening
It's extremely rare for me to not post something because it's too bad. But this was a 4 edible situation
once I snorted a fat line of nuance and everything started depending. watch out

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oh no they’re going to start calling democrats the same thing they’ve been calling democrats for 20 years now
MAGA boomers SHOCKED by 20y/o commie speaking fluent hog
Hog 201 for anyone interested in trying this:
Bodily autonomy (like abortion, anti draft, etc) -> “The government shouldn’t be able to force anything on my body I don’t want.”
Anti surveillance -> “I don’t trust big government/big tech (big brother if you’re feeling frisky) with the ability to spy on me and my family.”
Immigration -> “Next to all of us immigrated at some point, I don’t see why the elites get to decide who’s allowed to be where. What’s to stop them coming for me?”
Climate Change -> “Big oil shouldn’t get to determine whether or not I get to go places. I don’t want to be dependent on some big business to survive.”
State Violence -> “I don’t want the goddamn secret police breathing down my neck! I trust my community a whole hell of a lot more to help me than I do the state!”
The vast majority of conservatives think of themselves as underdogs being repressed by the government/the elite, and they value personal freedom (specifically their personal freedom, they don’t care about other people). The will almost always agree with leftist points if you can find a way to blame the problem on their vague enemies (useful, since rich people are the root of most problems), and tie it back to their ability to say fuck everyone else. NEVER appeal to science, theory, logic, or human goodness. Make it seem as if you are a paranoid lunatic who trusts no one. They love it.
#you need to tailor your arguments to people's existing values and priorities if you want to convince them #the flip side is that it's every bit as easy to tailor conservative arguments to convince a leftist audience #so don't get smug #you're not immune to this either <- prev extremely true
I think we should figure out what age we’re living in now so we can say how it’s collapsing to each other
Our age of plastics is collapsing
Our age of information is collapsing! *remembers generative AI, nods to self* our age of information is collapsing.
ohhhhj the mischevious smiler....
ohhhhj the mischevious smiler....

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What’s popping, you ask? Why, it’s my joints.
you’re too sexy to be poor this isn’t right
I’m always saying this
The joker sees this and thinks “oh this is just normal paving”
ohhhh so THIS is the twisted fucking cycle path
having a headache while hydrated is so unfair. you were supposed to protect me.
Waking up from a nap and still having a headache is so unfair. You were supposed to save me.
i swear if the wizard doesnt let me out of his abandoned salt mine soon im gonna fucking LOSE IT
what did you do to be put into the salt mine
i MAY have eaten his special wizard meal. but i think he should let me out tbh
was it good? was it worth it? are you able to bear the weight of your sin?
im not gonna lie it was fucking delicious i would fucking do it again. wait shit youre the fucking wizard in disguise seeing if ive learned my lesson arent you. fuck.
10 YEARS IN THE ABANDONED SALT MINE.

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today I learned that in 2008, the city council of florence overturned dante’s sentence of execution if he returned from exile. yes, dante’s inferno dante, who died in 1321.
but the funniest part of this is not that they were debating the exile of a man who has been dead for over 500 years.
the funniest part is that the vote was 19-5. five people voted to uphold dante’s exile.
The objectively funniest part of this is actually that the city that holds his remains, Ravenna, refused to give his remains back. This was a ploy from florence to have his remains moved back for the tourist money and its been ongoing for a long time. Florence had a fake tomb built in the city to trick people into visiting, and have tried to force the return of the remains.
His actual caretakers have been very steadfast in keeping them hidden, moved, or generally out of reach to respect his choice in life to never, ever, ever return to florence, even when he was first offered the chance to return. This is at this point an almost millenium long feud that florence is really, really mad about losing
so basically the five people who wanted to uphold his exile were in the right
I mean you've threatened to kill me a bunch of times. You once told me you were gonna drown me in a river like a kangaroo.
[warm laugh of fond reminiscence] I did do that