you have given me the love i have spent my entire life dreaming of. one filled with laughter, peace, truth. it’s coming home to you and you knowing exactly what i need without me having to say a word. it’s teaching me that you never have to be yelled at; that i am enough without having to dim myself down. it’s the quiet moments that bring me calm instead of the anxiety stillness has always instilled in me. you are the answer to my hearts every question. my truest love.

Yeah but if you tell me you love me I am not going to understand what those words mean. I'll need you to show it to me over time slowly in actions like waiting for me to be done socializing with everyone in the room without rushing me and then greeting me with a hug and being secure and by filling me in about your day and by asking me everything about mine and by calling me at 5 am to make sure I don't miss my flight and by encouraging me to go to that art exhibit I was excited about but now feel too sad to go to and by buying me pizza and oranges and chocolate when the month is ending and by kissing my forehead and by noticing my eyes before you fixate on my lips and by going on walks with me during full moon nights and by bringing me my favourite bottle of rosé and by letting me keep my head on your lap and caressing me and by wanting me and by letting me want you and by showing up and by being consistent and by talking to me through your eyes and smiles in social situations and by making me feel safe enough so that I can let my guard down and not do anything to make me regret that later and by showing up and showing up and showing up.

Yeah but if you tell me you love me I am not going to understand what those words mean. I'll need you to show it to me over time slowly in actions like waiting for me to be done socializing with everyone in the room without rushing me and then greeting me with a hug and being secure and by filling me in about your day and by asking me everything about mine and by calling me at 5 am to make sure I don't miss my flight and by encouraging me to go to that art exhibit I was excited about but now feel too sad to go to and by buying me pizza and oranges and chocolate when the month is ending and by kissing my forehead and by noticing my eyes before you fixate on my lips and by going on walks with me during full moon nights and by bringing me my favourite bottle of rosé and by letting me keep my head on your lap and caressing me and by wanting me and by letting me want you and by showing up and by being consistent and by talking to me through your eyes and smiles in social situations and by making me feel safe enough so that I can let my guard down and not do anything to make me regret that later and by showing up and showing up and showing up.

Yeah but if you tell me you love me I am not going to understand what those words mean. I'll need you to show it to me over time slowly in actions like waiting for me to be done socializing with everyone in the room without rushing me and then greeting me with a hug and being secure and by filling me in about your day and by asking me everything about mine and by calling me at 5 am to make sure I don't miss my flight and by encouraging me to go to that art exhibit I was excited about but now feel too sad to go to and by buying me pizza and oranges and chocolate when the month is ending and by kissing my forehead and by noticing my eyes before you fixate on my lips and by going on walks with me during full moon nights and by bringing me my favourite bottle of rosé and by letting me keep my head on your lap and caressing me and by wanting me and by letting me want you and by showing up and by being consistent and by talking to me through your eyes and smiles in social situations and by making me feel safe enough so that I can let my guard down and not do anything to make me regret that later and by showing up and showing up and showing up.

I picked up your call because despite everything I have been thinking about you. You're on my mind almost all the time. Like an extension of me. And then I saw your name flash on my screen at 1 am so how could I not? How could I not pick up? You said things that sounded crazy, that sounded not in touch with reality. Maybe I'm too simple minded for you. Maybe I'm too much of a conformist and normal person to ever truly get you. But it doesn't mean I never cared. And it doesn't mean I never loved you. Yes, I'm using past tense. Because while I'm still worried about you and will only ever send the best possible wishes and warm comfort your way, I cannot hold space for you. I do not have that in me. Not tonight. Not this week. Not this lifetime. Not anymore. And for that I feel like I have to apologise. Because I said I loved you. And that you were like family. And I gave up on you. Because family was supposed to not be this way. Family was supposed to care for me too. And you did until you didn't. And a part of me wishes that I was still that person who held on to people I loved no matter what. But the self preservation instinct that is getting stronger in me is whispering a thank you and for tonight I will have to consider that my solace.

I picked up your call because despite everything I have been thinking about you. You're on my mind almost all the time. Like an extension of me. And then I saw your name flash on my screen at 1 am so how could I not? How could I not pick up? You said things that sounded crazy, that sounded not in touch with reality. Maybe I'm too simple minded for you. Maybe I'm too much of a conformist and normal person to ever truly get you. But it doesn't mean I never cared. And it doesn't mean I never loved you. Yes, I'm using past tense. Because while I'm still worried about you and will only ever send the best possible wishes and warm comfort your way, I cannot hold space for you. I do not have that in me. Not tonight. Not this week. Not this lifetime. Not anymore. And for that I feel like I have to apologise. Because I said I loved you. And that you were like family. And I gave up on you. Because family was supposed to not be this way. Family was supposed to care for me too. And you did until you didn't. And a part of me wishes that I was still that person who held on to people I loved no matter what. But the self preservation instinct that is getting stronger in me is whispering a thank you and for tonight I will have to consider that my solace.

Three am, and it’s no surprise that I am awake but it is when you text. I tease you, asking you aren’t you too old to stay up this late? and you in a very you fashion respond. I feel warm as we banter and the scent of vanilla from my shower gel from an hour earlier becomes evident now. My hunger, probably a result of my boredom, subsides. You have seen more moons than me, is that why you seem so calm, so composed? Both parts of that sentence aren’t true. Age doesn’t bring with it wisdom and you are not as calm as I perceive you to be. I am aware. But I only see you with a halo. And that’s not specific to you. That’s specific to me. That’s how I view people. I see the best parts in them, I see them without judgement. And most times it hurts me and it isn’t the best for self-preservation. But I refuse to walk through this life being sus of everyone and constantly waiting to pick apart others for their flaws and follies. But do I want to learn to be kind to others without being an absolute dick to myself? Yes. How do we get there? I don’t know. Maybe I can ask you about it. Maybe you will tell me something worthwhile.