i am useless and i just want to be dead
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@throughthedarkclouds
i am useless and i just want to be dead

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i miss being able to enjoy things. especially music. i hate that it’s stressful to think about music, to listen to music, and whenever i think about writing new songs i feel flat and defeated. it was the thing i loved most but i haven’t been able to listen to music for months. i’m forgettable and it wouldn’t matter if i disappeared. i kind of have disappeared in a way. and everyone else just goes on. i can’t bring myself to get work done and it disappoints me. i’m constantly tired. i still can’t sleep without drugs so going to bed feels like a chore. when i finally fall asleep i hope that i don’t wake up in the morning. i haven’t been eating. everyday i’m thinking of ways to damage myself or i’m actively destroying myself. it feels like i’m being forced to stay when all i want to do is leave. my world is empty. hopes and dreams aren’t real. i don’t believe in anything.
Seiyuu JUNON November 2014 issue, Mamoru Miyano spotlight. (translated by me)
“When I can make someone laugh, that is the proof of my existence.”
That spirit that shines with the brightest light—the “superstar.”
It’s easy to think that word—and that easy, carefree smile—suit Mamoru Miyano better than anyone else, but in person he’s actually timid and sensitive. But for this very reason, he has the power to touch people, and brighten their hearts.
As a voice actor, as an actor, and as an artist, new doors have been constantly opening up before him. Although there are times when he hits a big wall that pushes against him endlessly, or fights with his past self, he never gives up. He never once utters a complaint. What is it that makes Mamoru Miyano tick? What keeps him going?
On His First Overseas Recording and Being Away from Japan
I think “Input Time” is extremely important.
Last year, my music producer Jin Nakamura, who has been taking care of me since my debut, gave me this advice.
He said, “If your output becomes too much, your mind and body can’t work together as well. If you don’t make time to sit back and take in what’s around you.”
Of course, I was always trying to put my all into everything all the time, ignoring my limits.
Hmm…About that time…Jin-san said, “Miyano-kun, come to LA. Let’s do a recording together.”
And of course I didn’t think there was any way I could go, but my staff continued to talk about it behind my back and lo, and behold, it became a reality! We went to LA! No, it’s amazing I was able to go! The things I saw and the things I heard were really invigorating. Of course, the recording was also very invigorating.
The single being released on 11/12, “BREAK IT!”, has four songs included, but we did the recording of the coupled song, “Magic,” in LA. It’s very extravagant for a coupled song. (laughs)
On the Sights and Sounds of LA and Tokyo
Since we were able to stay for such an incredibly long time this time, various things…Well, many things that I can’t talk about happened too (laughs), but I was able to see many breathtaking and unforgettable sights. Inside the city, there’s a beautiful observatory filled with history called the Griffith Observatory. Since it’s so high up, you have an unbroken view of the city from there. The night view I saw from there was, I think, the most amazing out of all the amazing night views I’ve seen in my life up to now, it really was beautiful.
Like Manhattan, NY, which is also in America, there aren’t just skyscrapers lining the streets, there are smaller buildings too. Along that line, the lights of the city don’t shine like neon. How do I say this…It’s a gentler, orange light that warms your heart. It’s a light that makes you feel like, “All these people are going about their lives beneath that light.” That view spread out before me farther than the eye could see. It seemed to go on forever…That view is something that I’ll never forget, no matter how much time goes by.
The tone of the interview suddenly changed (laughs), but there are of course some incredible views to be found in Tokyo as well.
“This summer, too, I have to take some time to go to summer festivals and the like.” I was feeling lonely, thinking that.
When I was talking about that with my staff, I got in a taxi to head to my next job…And then! Suddenly, right before my eyes, fireworks burst! I wonder if it was outside the outer gardens of the Meiji Shrine? But it’s like, if I hadn’t have been right in that place, right at that moment, I couldn’t have seen those fireworks. It was just an insignificant little moment, but I was flooded with the feeling of being at a summer festival.
A Chat about Mamoru Miyano’s Upcoming Work
There is of course my experience in LA, but the everyday sights and events I experience one by one in my daily life might be important input to me as well.
Because I was given the opportunity to go to LA, I was able to face new challenges and have new and wonderful encounters. Inside myself, I was able to turn those experiences into many new ideas. So now, I say, “I want to try that,” and, “Let’s try this too,” and let all my desires gush out. Now, my assignment is to figure out how to make those ideas take form.
Among these inputted ideas are some that take form immediately, as well as some that sleep forever in my mind until a time when they suddenly gush out of me all at once. “Oh, now’s the time!” “This timing is perfect!” Kind of like that.
More than just deciding everything by myself, my surrounding environment, my staff, and what we can prepare at the time all support the decision…That kind of thing, you know?
On How Other People’s Smiles Make Him Smile
When our inputted ideas quickly become reality, I want to see everyone’s smiling faces.
Making everyone laugh is so important to me.
The truth is, I’m actually a very timid person. If I can’t see for certain that people are smiling, I think, “I wonder if this is alright…” and get anxious.
I guess I’m saying that people laughing with me allows me to accept my own existence?
If I just act like an idiot people will laugh, and of course that’s fine (laughs), but I think the various strong feelings borne from good entertainment are what bring out a true smile, from the heart.
Occasionally, if I act like an idiot too much, I have to sit back and reflect on myself. (laughs) But as long as it makes everyone happy…
The moments I am able to see everyone’s smiling faces are the happiest moments of my life.
maybe i’ll drive to the beach. and walk into the ocean.
turns out my knife sharpener is Very Effective and the clotting ability of my blood is also Very Effective

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I just feel like even if i disappeared it wouldnt matter. Nobody would notice. I feel very left out and it’s probably my fault. I’m tired and I’m scared and I’ve been here for way too long. I should’ve jumped half my life ago. I should’ve overdosed on more drugs. I’m annoyed none of them have worked so far. I shouldn’t be here. I shouldnt have let it gone so far. They don’t want me around anyway.
let me go.
please just let me go
everything inside of me has been screaming all day and i’m tired, please shut up, shut the fuck up, i don’t want to hear it
everyday i am trying to find ways to destroy myself or ways to die which is funnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn

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i should have taken more pills the other night
i tried to end last night but it didn’t work
it’s so hard to find the motivation to keep... doing things. go to work. write songs. play shows. go to shows. draw stuff. cook food. i feel drained all the time, like everything requires so much effort. and i guess i feel like i’m not worth looking after so i eat like shit, sleep like shit, treat myself like shit. i haven’t listened to music in months because i can’t. it stresses me out. i’m mostly off social media because seeing stuff about everyone’s lives stresses me out. it makes me feel bad, like i’m not caring enough about my friends’ lives. but i really can’t handle any of it right now. i get stressed and depressed hearing about the things they do. maybe it’s because i’m sad/upset/bitter that things seem to be going well for them whereas i’m constantly a mess of despair. i know the keyword here is ‘seem’ and for all i know they have shit they’re dealing with too, as we all do. i miss being able to enjoy going to shows. and i want to play more shows. but at the same time i always feel so discouraged. especially when people say shit like ‘if only you had a full band, then we’d put you on shows’ and it sometimes feels like i’m not being taken seriously and nobody cares. nowadays i want to go back home the moment i get to a gig, if i even leave the house to go to a gig, and it really fucking sucks. lately people get my hopes up about things (not gig related, other stuff) only to back out at the last minute, or leave me hanging. it hurts. i’m really exhausted. i feel like i’m trying and i’m forcing myself to not feel down all the time. i’m trying so fucking hard but the reality is no one really cares, and i don’t have the motivation to persist, so i don’t know what i’m clinging on to as i slowly, deliberately, destroy myself.
i reckon this year will be the year i finally kill myself

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tw
i’ve started self-harming again and i’m back to that addiction and can’t seem to stop and do it out of boredom since the initial overwhelmingly depressed episode that triggered it.
today has been fucking awful. my relationship person’s flight got cancelled and i’m sad that i won’t see them today. i feel empty and constantly still feel like i don’t belong in this world/lifetime/existence. i know it could be the new dose of meds as it’s still in that annoying wait period before it starts working properly. but still. i hate feeling like this and it hurts. i’m already on a very high dose of drugs. i feel like a fraud most of the time. and i don’t know why i’m still here.
i didn’t sign up for any of this.