stream of consciousness

name

face

shadow around the corner

i always knew i would not grieve the end, that i would not forget who i was before you

one day there is a star burning so bright and so far away to your eyes she’s nothing more than a speck in your eye, gone when you rub the dust out. you look at that fiery ball burning her way away in the depths of space and she looks back at you and sings

[i dare you]

tomorrow, you swear, tomorrow you will build an endless ladder and climb to the edge of the universe, nestle her twinkling flames in the spaces between your fingers, and burst forth, born again.

[but not today, and not ever]

she whispers back.

and it’s true. the stars are mortal and you did not know this when you made your promises, but the stars are mortal and die just like that. you are standing on your ladder and you find your star collapsing and just for a moment she swells red with anger and she is protesting her death and you think to yourself,

[oh my god, she’s so close so beautiful if only i could just reach her]

and you think you almost could.

but then - she goes supernova. it’s not quite a band and it’s not quite a whimper, but you find yourself blown back to step one of your ladder and that’s all there’s left. you pick up the remains of your ladder and your shattered star.

and you did not know this when she died, but the stars scatter their then-selves across the fabrics of space and time. and you  did not know this when you made your promises, but the stars are not mortal like you and i.

because that’s what stars do. they die and throw their guys everywhere and collapse again into matter. reborn. so you pick up the remains of your shattered star and sew her splinter by splinter into the fabric of your universe.

if i had to send you flowers id send you nightshade because you twisted me up inside told me lies and truths and even more lies until i lied to myself about the truth and you told me i was nobody  and you told me you were telling the truth and so i lied to myself i told myself i needed you but

you also took me like i was some piece of paper wrote some story that was not mine on it crushed it into a ball told me everything was okay you could fix it all you ran me through a paper shredder and yet you painstakingly pieced the pieces of me together until i could not see who i used to be and i had to rely on you to tell me

but you told me the same lies and i kept believing them and i havent seen you in eight years and i kept believing your lies and i hate you because you put me together in all the wrong ways

and on good days i still believe that no one likes talking to me and on okay days i still believe that my friends are not my friends and on bad days i still believe that i am worthless and i am still trying to get rid of your shadow but you still hide in the back of my mind still whispering truths still woven with lies

i am trying to relearn myself rewrite my story tell myself that i do not need to be perfect that i do not need to twist myself around into your expectations that i do not need you and i never needed you

because i still see you in other peoples faces i still hear you in other peoples voices and some days i still feel your presence

i wonder how long it will take for you to be forgotten because you were an average person with an average life and yet you always lived a size larger than life itself but some day no one will be left to remember you and you will die a quiet second death slipping away from our minds like fish slip through water

i laugh. i do not need you to tell me all this already, the world i see blinds me my thoughts sing bright and clear and beautiful without you i have always been made of stars