Life Is Not Always As It Seems.

Sometimes your thoughts run away with you, you lose sense of what is real and what isnt. You think of some good things and some bad, some confusing and some just of you Dad.

How its crazy that one day you can have everything and the next something so special can just be gone. I dont ever want to get married without you there! The idea of one day having my own baby and them not having there grandad breaks my heart but i will always tell them all about you Dad.

This is day 2 for me of being isolated from the outside world from people from socialising and a part of me loves it, and another part of me makes me so confused and lonely! First time ever weve had family time and your never forgotten ever.

Some many things are uncertain right now but its time to do what is right a follow the right path! I wish you were here to help me i really do! But somethings you just have to do on your own.

Head up princess youll get through all of it.

Its odd isn't how powerful your mind can be? You think about things that you have no control over again and again until they complete eat you.

Will he ever leave? What if he get bored? What if you can't give him everything he wants and needs?

The feeling of not being good enough never stops but some how i manages to make you feel incredible. You look at him smile at you and melt a little bit inside. Yet some how you hear things that he says and wonder why.. why would a girl be holding your hand? Why do you leave out those details?

The mind is a powerful thing something that again you have no control over no matter how hard you try to. That feeling in the pit of your stomach no matter how much you try not to think about it, you still feel it.

My mind wonders tells me to forget it he would never do that to you.

When a hot flush rushes over you and everything you thought in your head comes to light.. slowly things begin to unfold and little things slip out.. its happening again.

The walls are coming up and my heart drops. The panic attack happens.. control your breathing he will notice.

Talking about exs again... makes me feel like the bottom of the food chain.

Then he gets pissy because it upsets you.. what do you expect? Ive never loved anyone the way i do you and to hear that your ex is talking to you doesnt make me feel good. I know they are all prettier than me and feeling s dont just disappear its not hard to fall for someone you once like again. Why cant you just understand that its a little heart wrenching nothing serious just pulls on the heart strings a little. Ill move on from it.. ill get over it just at the time it hurts. Your my bestfriend for a reason and that wont change. Id rather be told than now atleast then i can be aware of these things.

I love you. I trust you. I dont need you but i want you always.♡♡

Sometimes my head runs away with me i see silly things like peoples photos youve liked (girls) and i compare myself to them.. what they have that i dont. It makes my self esteem hit rock bottom and my anxiety run wild. My anxiety says "he doesnt like your photos because your ugly" but my head says it means nothing but my heart says it does. Who knows how i meant to feel about it. Its strange isnt it that no matter what you think you always feel slightly differently.. like if you let all 3 take over which one would win and when one does would you be happy with the outcome.

Its all these silly little things that i find so hard to get over that even when i feel like i have the little voice comes back to remind me that it is still there. Things like no posting pictures of us/me my anxiety tells me its because he doesn't want people to know about me. My head says its because he doesn't want the shit as relationships last longer when no one is involved. But that little voice tries to push through again and again. My anxiety says he just isnt really that interested in me.

I think that im scared he will walk away that he will get bored that im not good enough that my body isnt enough for him. I wonder what about my body even attracts him anyway because i dont see it i cant pick it out. For me there is nothing i have that another girl couldnt give him more of. But he chose me so there has to be something right?.

Remember to breathe.. count to 10 its never as big as it seems.. take a step back and remember that the voice arent always right and you are better than them..what they are telling you isnt true and is all your head. You can get through it and it will be okay. Hes not him. He wont treat you like that and he does love you and actually cares about you unlike he did. You got this dont push it away.