chasing His heart.

Inexplicable pain in your chest. Nausea. A pounding heart. Shakiness. A sense of terror. Fear that seems to spread throughout your body, paralyzing you. Muscles that ache. 

I can’t begin to number the amount of times I have experienced these sensations, symptoms I believe represent what we call “anxiety.” I can’t count how many times I have said, “Of everything I have ever felt, I hate anxiety the very most.”  

Through the years, I believe the Lord has taught me that there is power in vulnerability, because vulnerability spurs vulnerability. Through the years, I have heard dozens upon dozens of precious friends share that they struggle with anxiety. My prayer and hope in writing this, is that just a little of personal vulnerability, though difficult and even a little scary in the moment, would divinely impact those that need to hear hope in the terror they may be living in. I don’t have all the answers and I wouldn’t dare attempt to try and answer all the questions surrounding anxiety in this post, but I hope that if you read, you walk away encouraged in Jesus.

What is Anxiety?

There are plenty of people in the world that do not live with constant anxiety, and I am so very thankful for that. What a true gift! I want to take a moment to attempt to describe what can feel like such a vague term, anxiety. I want to define what I mean when I use that word in this post.

When we worry, I believe we are constantly racking our brains with “what-ifs” in an attempt to control our little world. Worry is fear over what we cannot control, and I believe this can lead to anxiety. While worry/fear is specific over a certain something, anxiety is not. Anxiety is a generalized fear, a general sense of terror over something that may not seem definable. 

I believe differentiating between these two are important, as especially as a Christian, I have often been told, “Just pray and trust God more” as a cure to anxiety. While prayer and trusting in God are absolutely critical and core to walking in freedom from anxiety, at times those words would feel empty and distant, as I would respond in anger, “But I feel that I am doing those things!!”

For me, one of the most frustrating parts of living with anxiety is not knowing when or why it will appear. Over and over and over again, I would feel all the physical symptoms of anxiety and not have a clue why. For a very long time, I would be asked, “Well, what brought this on? What are you thinking about?” The answer was often, “Nothing. I have no idea. I just feel so very terrible.” It’s a scary thing to feel so out of control over your own body and not understand its cause. While I do believe now that my anxiety had a root cause, I didn’t know what it was for a very long time, and that was frightening.

Living with Anxiety

I believe that I lived in denial over the extent to which anxiety had begun to take over my life. It wasn’t until professionals began to describe it as “severe” and I was told that I suffered from panic attacks that I began to accept that I needed help. As hard as many have tried to rid mental illness of its stigma, there is still some trepidation in accepting (and sharing!) something so stereotyped.

For those who don’t suffer from anxiety, (Praise God for that!) let me share just a bit of insight. While I believe it can take on different forms, this is what it can look like at times for me.

For a stretch of nearly a year, I felt so anxious every morning when I woke up that getting breakfast down felt like the feat of the day. It looked like watching my hair fall out and my weight decrease due to the toll anxiety racked upon my body. It felt like the smallest of tasks feeling absolutely impossible and terrorizing. It felt like I was doing a terrible job of loving others well, because I was too trapped in my own terror to get outside of myself. It felt like self hate and an inability to accept my own mistakes. In the simplest way of putting it, anxiety made normal life just hard.

Every single morning for a very long time I would pray, “Lord, I cannot do today without you. I cannot do a single thing without you. I can’t face today in all of its tasks without You sustaining me through each moment.” And I meant every word. Anxiety made me realize that I am so very helpless without strength and sustainment from the Holy Spirit (Which, by the way, is true with or without anxiety). 

What Causes Anxiety?

In the years I have struggled with anxiety, many times I have been told to repent of my sin. Often, on top of feeling anxious, I would then feel a wave of shame over this struggle. There may be many reading these words right now that feel I should repent of anxiety.

After lots of prayer and reflection, I do believe that the thoughts my heart made a home in for many months were sinful. They were hateful towards myself, and they did not honor the Lord. I did not realize it then, but I believe now that it was those thoughts that would keep me up at night, those thoughts that would follow me everywhere I went, those thoughts that would eventually lead to an anxiety that did not go away. Even after I stopped thinking hurtful things towards myself, I had dwelled in that place long enough that it had made its mark upon me. The roots grew and blossomed a tree. I saw the tree, I saw the tree’s effects upon my life, such as the shade and the leaves falling, but I did not see the roots. I didn’t know from where the tree had grown. It was just there, and its presence sucked all the joy out of life.

This was the time when I needed compassionate and consistent friends the most. I needed people to love me when I felt I had nothing to offer in return. And isn’t that the beauty of the gospel of Jesus Christ? When we were His enemies, when we had absolutely nothing to offer Him but our sin, He loved us deeply and completely and sacrificially.

In short, I believe it was my past thought life that led to my present anxiety. 

Freedom From Anxiety? Is it Possible?

When you suffer intense anxiety for long enough and you don’t know its cause, you start to believe that, “This is just your life now.” I began to wonder - Is this who I’ve become? An anxious, trapped person? Is this who I will always be? I’d been in counseling for what felt like forever and often felt I was not making a bit of progress.  I remember something my counselor said to me in one of those moments. She said, “Nicole, I’m not going to give up on you. You’ve given up on yourself too many times, and I’m not going to do that to you.” I don’t think I’ll ever forget that.

It is with incredible joy in my heart that I can write in honesty that over the course of the last month and a half or so, I have begun to taste sweet freedom over anxiety, something I dreamed of but was afraid to hope would really happen. Every morning I am reminded to praise God that He is doing a good work in me and showing me life without that trapping terror. I’ve started taking anxiety medicine, and I do not separate medicine and God’s work in my life. I see it as part of what He is doing to make me look more like Him. 

This has been such a process, and I believe it will continue to be. I still feel anxious at times, though not to the severity of past years. However, in the moments I do still feel anxious, I remind myself that God is with me. I quote Scripture to my soul and believe that it will be okay, even if it doesn’t feel that way in the moment.

I tell my soul to hope in God, whether I feel anxious or not. He is deserving of the glory, regardless of what I feel. Should I struggle with anxiety the rest of my life, should it be the thorn in my side, I will delight in my weakness because His grace is sufficient for me.

Anything is possible with God. I will pray in faith that He has the power to heal. And if not, He is still good.

You are Not Alone

I am sharing openly today, because it is my prayer more would feel empowered and encouraged to be honest about their struggles. Too many suffer in silence, too many feel ashamed to reach out for help. You are not alone in your struggle. There is Hope, and He is ever patient with you.

Should you need an ear, I am just a message away. I pray that if this be your struggle as well, you would believe you have the freedom to hurt before the Lord and trust in His kindness toward you. And if this isn’t your struggle, I pray that perhaps you know just a little bit better how to care for the loved ones around you that do struggle.

Let’s walk confidently and without fear together, knowing that we are loved fully by an incredible God.

“Be still and know that i am God.” -Psalm 46:10

“Finally, brother and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable-if anything is excellent or praiseworthy-think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me- put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.” -Philippians 4:8-9

What you do

Is an extension of who you are?

As though the works of your fingers

And the words of your tongue

Create and sustain your value

At the end

Of every long day.

And when you’ve done well,

They applaud your try-hards and do-goods,

And when you haven’t,

And your mistakes play back in your mind like a terrible re-run,

The result is the same.

You toss and turn and nightmares creep into the safety of your bedroom,

Because it is never enough.

You are never enough.

And the stress of proving yourself

Day in, Day out

Cannot be contained in what you hide away,

Covering all your shame with an even bigger smile.

Your mask shatters and expands into every crevice you never gave permission for it to leak into.

Your heart pounds, your hair falls out, you lose weight and anxiety is your ever-present companion.

The weight of living as though grace is all dependent upon you

Is heavy enough to crush what’s left of you.

There is a scar on my arm that whispers,

Life isn’t worth living if you can’t do it perfectly,

And you will lose their love and their applause

If you stop trying.

The scar bears witness

That hating yourself

Is easier than forgiving yourself,

Most days anyway.

And this afternoon with tears streaming down my face,

I began to wonder when I started believing that I had to be perfect in order to be worthy.

When did making a mistake beckon perpetual despair?

This belief has drowned me in an anxiety my body has never known-

Anxiety that throws you underwater

As you scream and thrash and fight.

Not a soul able to hear you above the sound of crashing waves.

You are warring a silent battle,

and all the crowd sees is water dripping from your trembling hands and stumbling feet.

Where is freedom found from this monstrous belief?

When will I know what it is to feel like myself again-

The self that isn’t depleted from anxious thoughts that breed decay?

My head knows the answer is grace,