Une fille une Sofía

I am twenty in less than a week and I don’t think this is what I believed I’d do or feel when I reached this age. I thought of myself as powerful because I had the ability to ‘ignore’ feelings and situations - nothing could affect me, me? unstoppable. It was a very hard hit when I realized that all that ignoring caught up me and I couldn’t control my emotions any longer - I bursted, into a pit of constant sobbing and darkness, one where I gasped for air constantly. It’s a long process I find, that of self-love, self-understanding, and healing. I take one step forward and then two back. Nonetheless, I chose to write this not to pity myself or having a boo-boo parade because truthfully I have done that quite a lot lately but rather to remind myself that I’m wonderful. I am not my anxiety and I wont let her win, I wont give up. I wont give up, I can’t, I won’t. I need to be thankful that I have made it where I am today, that I’m surrounded by love and incredible people who do anything to make sure I’m okay. I am thankful of who I am, I am someone who is suffering and struggling but who is giving it her all to move forward, to flourish, to get out of this dark place. On my twentieth birthday, I hope I am proud of myself and not upset. I hope I can see that there is a bright light inside me and that all my struggles will one day no longer break me. I will rise, I will continue, I will not give up. I don’t like myself now, but I know the love is inside and I will do all I can to reach it.

After our superficial and childish attempt at ‘love’, I would dream and pray I’d meet someone, around this time of the year, with very particular qualities - all lovely ones, someone like the person I thought you were then but better I’d say. Funny how a year later, the universe has brought you back to me. She brought you back exactly how I always dreamed for someone - getting to know you and spending time with you has showed me you’re all I’ve ever hoped to have by my side. It’s as if the universe wanted me to learn what I wanted before giving you back to me. A year later and I really do appreciate who you are a whole lot more than I would have in high school. Thank you Universe, for you have brought me the best gift of all. 

I love you more than life itself

Its been 7 years and I still shyly giggle whenever you call me beautiful, I still become ultra-alert when I hear your name, and I still laugh at all your lame jokes