HAVEN'T YOU HEARD ?

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Oh, one question. Where am I ? Who are you, and what’s going on ?

You are now in the next phase of your existence in the universe.

Cool. Cool. I have some questions.

Are you sure you want to hear it ?

You dropped a bottle of something called, “Lonely Gal Margarita Mix for One.”

Hey, what do you think happens after we die ?

I mean, we couldn’t believe what we were hearing.

Well, it’s not the heaven-or-hell idea that you were raised on.

There’s a lot of frozen yogurt places.

People love frozen yogurt. I don’t know what to tell you.

Ah, who cares ? No one is watching.

We were watching. Surprise !

What happens to everyone else, you ask ? Don’t worry about it.

Your true soulmate is here too.

That’s right. Soulmates are real.

You know the way you feel when see a picture of two otters holding hands ?

That’s how you are going to feel every day.

Wow, all those amazing people down there, it just seems so hard to believe.

Most people don’t make it here.

You’re special, ________.

Oh, oh, and, uh, of course, you love clowns, so…

I do love clowns.

________ ? I’m ________, and you are my soulmate.

Cool ! Bring it in, man.

This place just translates whatever you say into a language the other person can understand.

I have spent my entire life in pursuit of fundamental truths about the universe.

Now we can learn about them together, as soulmates.

It’s overwhelming.

________. You’ll stand by my side no matter what, right ?

Of course I will.

Promise me. Say, “I promise to never betray you for any reason.”

________, I swear that I will never say or do anything to cause you any harm.

There’s been a big mistake. I’m not supposed to be here.

Wait, what ?

They got my name right, but nothing else.

I mean, somebody royally forked up.

Why can’t I say “fork” ?

If you’re trying to curse, you can’t here.

So, if you’re not this person, then who are you ?

But I was very good at it.

You do get how that’s worse, right ?

Okay, well, maybe it’s not actually, like, all that bad.

Let’s just get some information first.

She’s like this walking database.

I guess (s)he just didn’t want to have sex with me.

Well, that’s fine, I wasn’t that into him/her anyway.

Oh, sorry, that’s the one topic I’m not allowed to tell you about.

Well, it doesn’t sound awesome.

All right, we need a plan.

I say we just lie low and hope that they don’t notice me.

I’m sorry, I don’t think I can help you.

I just don’t like being dishonest, and I can’t advise you to be dishonest either.

Come on, I’m just asking you to fudge a little bit.

I’m getting a stomachache.

It’s just so tiny and cute. It’s like a little child’s plaything, like for a family of mice or for a very fancy little dog.

I love it. It’s just so sweet and teensy.

You booped me. That’s fun.

My entire house could fit in this room.

I might not have been a saint, but it’s not like I killed anybody. I wasn’t an arsonist.

All I’m saying is these people might be “good,” but are they really that much better than me ?

Oh, forget it. Heading to the bar !

Oh, okay. Okay. I think it’s time to go home.

Wait, wait, wait. I just have to go upstairs real quick and steal a bunch of gold stuff.

Okay, don’t do that.

Did you fill your bra with shrimp ?

Whatever, it is freakin’ heaven.

At least I can still say “butthead”.

I’m sorry that you had to deal with this.

Maybe they are being used to torture each other. It would work.

‘Cause you’re a nice person. You’re a nice person, ________.

Well, that’s terrifying.

That can’t be good.

I have no idea why any of this is happening or how to control it.

Should we run away then ?

Why is everyone wearing blue and yellow ?

________, this is all happening because of you.

We don’t know this is because of me.

Actually, you’re a hammer, just smashing the gears into dust.

Oh, hang on. Not everybody here is perfect, okay ?

I’m not the only one with flaws.

Okay, fine, turns out there are many ways to know that it was me.

Let’s just face it, ________, you don’t belong here.

Well, then this system sucks.

I was a medium person.

Look, apparently it doesn’t work that way.

“Amy, you can teach those people to hate me all you want I don’t care, I’m leaving you.”