↪ 5. Trust your gut, for it might save you
PREV PART
TRIGGER WARNINGS: angry Reader, neglect (medical + emotional + physical, in the past), (interalised) ableism, Jason, tell me if I missed any!
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You don’t want this date to end, in just an hour Conner had taken over your heart once more. You don’t want this to end, all these warm and fuzzy feelings. All these positive thoughts that occupy your mind for once.
It’s been hard, you’ve been living all on your own. You are going to all your hospital appointments with no support, only with your savings and the pathetic remains of your trust fund.
Just for a second it all feels peaceful, it all feels well. For just a second you forgot about the bats hunting you down with every minute you rest. For just a second you feel anger leaving your bones, anger that has been there for longer than you can remember.
“(Name)?” Conner suddenly asks, snapping you out of your daze. Snapping you out of your thoughts just before they can turn dark. “Are you feeling alright? You haven’t touched your food at all.”
You laugh, crows feet appearing near your eyes as you try to think of an answer. Should you tell him that you are memorised by him? Or would that be coming on too strong?
So, you chose the middle as you say; “I’m just enjoying the moment, I didn’t even notice our food got here.”
Conner smiles, yet it doesn’t reach his eyes. How can it? When he knows something is wrong? When he knows that someone from your family is close to tracking you down, and all he can wish for is for you to kiss him. For you to stop lying to yourself and let him take you out properly.
For you to let him romance you as Clark romanced Lois, for you to let him protect you even if it means hiding you from the world. Even if it means keeping you away from the light that warms you, even if it means keeping you away from all that gives you purpose.
He can become your new purpose, won’t you let him be?
No, because you’re smarter than that. You, who knows what can happen to your mental health when you let emotions run high. You, who knows all too well what can happen if you let love and anger get a hold of you.
For Conner knows, if he was to keep you from your dreams you would grow to resent him. You would grow to hate him perhaps even more than you hate your father.
And your hate is something he never wishes to experience, for he knows how your hate looks. Your hate is dangerous, cutting and most of all as terrifying as Batman’s scowl.
So he’ll do as Clark told him, he’ll keep that obsessive side of him hidden for as long as he can. He’ll become better for you, at least while you are looking. If he were to harm Jason or any of your other siblings, you wouldn’t care… Right?
Jason knew from the minute he met you, you would be a smart one. Someone that could replace him with ease, but after his attack. After him harming you as if it’s nothing, it was as if you stood still in time.
Perhaps that’s because he destroyed the few items you loved dearly. Perhaps it’s because he destroyed all your hope, the last chance Bruce had with you. And by extension your family’s last chance with you.
It still surprises him that you left, you. You, who is as kind as your mama yet as strong as Bruce. You, who could have been his sibling had he not messed up.
Well, that’s not true. Even if he hadn’t attacked you, you would have still left. Neglect can take such a toll, that’s why you stood on the bridge connecting your new home to your old. It’s why you stood there so often Jason started to notice, yet never investigated. After all, you had made it clear that you wanted nothing to do with him. Not when he couldn’t even apologise for destroying the heirlooms that connected you to your mama’s family.
The last few people that you trusted, the last few people that you gave your heart to before your mama died.
And now? Not even them have heard of you, no. But they have information Jason doesn’t know, he’s sure of it. Yet your maternal family doesn’t trust the bats, he doesn’t know why and it’s starting to piss him off. So Jason will have to go back to an old lead.
Conner Kent, Tim’s best friend and the one that shouted some sense into the Bat’s skull. The one that got the League to distrust them, the one that got the Young Justice to shun Damian (until he showed that he was truly remorseful of his actions), the one that got the Outlaws to look at Jason with such distrust he now sees his father in the mirror. The one that got Superman to lay into Batman (and Bruce Wayne) to the point Brucie Wayne came out. Not as a character but as himself truly, for he drank himself under the table at important events.
Not to strengthen his image, but because he truly didn’t know what to do.
And Alfred, poor Alfred. Your disappearance pushed him to reconnect with his daughter, only for her to laugh at him and tell him that he deserves to rot in hell. For all he has done to you. (Jason doesn’t understand how he knows, did you tell her?)
Jason doesn’t believe that you left Conner behind without even just a hint of where you are. Not when he’s the only one that ever defended you, and oh. How you get attached to people is both endearing and pathetic.
It’s not like Jason can judge, he attacked you because he was terrified of you getting everything he ever wanted. Your mama’s love, and most importantly he wish he could have had your carefree life. Because that’s all he has ever seen, it’s not like he saw how your mama prayed by your bedside.
A woman who had never been practically religious, a woman who prayed to all the Gods she knew to save her baby from a life full of chronic pain. Only for Jason to send you right back to where you started, and now it’s permanent.
Even if it was always meant to happen, you can’t help but resent him the most. For he made your mama’s biggest fear come true, and you know that from whatever afterlife there is that she’s looking at you with tears in your eyes.
However, it’s not like Jason knows this. It’s not like your family knows this, besides claiming to care about you.
Yet Jason is certain Conner knows.
Perhaps that’s why you feel uneasy at the end of your date, even when you make the promise to have a second one.
Your intuition is warning you, danger is coming. Yet you chose to ignore it. For Conner’s smile makes the risk all worth it, besides don’t you deserve it to take some risks? You’re an adult after all. It’s not like your family can force you back to that cursed manor.
NEXT PART
This chapter is a chaotic one, I haven't written in a whole week so I wrote this out to get the writing out of my fingers that I could sleep. And also because I love writing Jason >:). I've also decided that your maternal family will be alive in this one.
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