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@theworstbastardhere

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It slaps though
one time at a funeral i panicked and said the first drink i could think of and the bartender made me the pina colada With all the fixings all the trims all the bells and whistles i didnt even ask imagine youre at a funeral and the person besides you is drinking a pina colada with whip cream as tall as the drink with a cherry and an umbrella, thats what happened to me
I would immediately suspect you to be the whimsical assassin who killed them
Not enough people are understanding the funniest part of this. Everyone's making colour theory jokes but the dad is colour blind. The most common colour blindness is red green colour blindness. It's the one where red and green look relatively the same shade of brown.
Everyone's talking about the blood carpet. Dad is seeing a carpet absolutely blasted with shit.
perfect for a sanitation company!
Do you have any of those posts from back in the day where users obsessively cataloged and compared Tumblr updates changing the Tumblr Blue? I remember that feeling like a particularly wild west Era of tumblr
I genuinely have been trying to search for this, but I have not been able to track down any posts that i feel qualify as this
I was not on here then, but i maybe vaguely remember a couple of posts of this genre? they have to exist somewhere
if anyone knows of any, please send them as I'm honestly really interested in finding this now
This?
^yes! this is definitely the one i had a vague recollection of
💬 4 🔁 363 ❤️ 974 · Tumblr’s change of colors kinda reminds me of a teenage girl who was grounded and decided to dye her hair in retaliatio
💬 155 🔁 40915 ❤️ 44890 · HOW DID YOU EVEN THINK PURE FUCKING GREEN AGAINST BLUE DIPPED IN TAR WAS A GOOD IDEA?! · Look. I get it. I am one
^these also definitely showcase this era

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Little girl teaching her cats how to draw a flower
(via)
they’re? just? sitting there ???
it makes it 100% better that i can’t understand her, i feel like i’m hearing what cats hear
Heh, she’s speaking Portuguese! Here’s what she’s saying:
*baby voice* “… and if you have any questions, just ask me! And now… yeah. And now you draw the roots. You draw them all twisted up! Got it? A flower? Now draw it. Did you get it, Luis Roberto? Did you get it, Jurandir? Look. Did you get it? That’s how you draw a flower.”
Luis Roberto and Jurandir are people names (Jurandir is especially a name associated with older men) so it’s extra funny that the cats are named that, heh.
Can I be honest with yall I don't want to hear SHIT against cishets at pride this year
"But it's not FOR them!!!" The biggest military power in the world belongs to a christofascist nation overseen by a felon found guilty of 34 federal crimes and has greenlit a gestapo with more direct funding than the entire military of Canada for the purpose of ethnic cleansing. Let Hetero Jessica throw some biodegradable glitter at a municipal parade
At this point if anyone is trying to exclude anyone benignly pro-queer from a pro-queer space I'm just going to assume you're a fed or something idk like something something destabilize the movement from within or whatever
World historical loser

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(its an invasive species that kills trees)
I think that if you had enough daughters AND played your cards right you could spring Mambo Number Five out at the EXACT right gathering and shatter your entire family's trust forever
The secret is to name them out of order with the lyrics so by the time anyone catches on it's too late
For me personally the ideal gathering would be my funeral
A little bit for Monica, she's my wife
A little bit for Erica, for her strife
My books all go to Rita, cause she reads
My greenhouse goes to Tina, she plants trees
The furniture is Sandra's, on my lawn
Jewelry for Mary, she can pawn
Ashes go to Jessica, that's my plan
A little bit of me inside a can (ah!)
I had the information wrong and the closest protest is an hour away and I couldn't afford that so I made a sign for nothing
IS
+Evil and scheming
+Old beyond reason +Thinks they're the emperor
+ relies on the strength of unquestioning lackeys, disposes of them if they display coherent thought.
IS NOT
Charismatic
the word “sabotage” is p much short for “fucking shit up with a wooden shoe”
what
fucking shit up with a wooden shoe
oh my god
well wooden shoe look at that
I’M FUCKING CRYING AT THAT PUN BE MY FRIEND PLEASE
By wearing this watch you confirm that you are not Anish Kapoor
The Fence has published an exposé on Stuart Semple (of Anish Kapoor 'feud' notoriety) which they have been working on for six months.
investigation reveals Semple / his studio / his partner Emily Mann (who's described as acting as his 'enforcer' in his business) :
mishandled £400k grant of public money intended for a public gallery, allowing the money to flow freely between the public project, his own personal studio and personal projects such as Culture Hustle (his online business selling paint etc)
underpaid or failed to pay many of his assistants to the tune of several thousand pounds each.
former assistants have taken him to court and he simply hasn't bothered to show up and he's threatened to sue former assistants who asked for their back pay
repeatedly funds ambitious projects that never see release eg Abode, an 'Adobe-rivalling' suite of creative software (he claims he still intends to release this)
encouraged a cult-like atmosphere at his studio in Bournemouth
was frequently in debt and having to negotiate with bailiffs etc for his debts while at the same time crowdfunding various projects
ran fake social media accounts boosting Semple and his work
The portrait that emerges is one of decades-long scam artistry tbh and someone who's juvenile, manipulative, narcissistic.
The Fence btw is a decent fairly small-circulation quarterly magazine from the UK which specialises in satire, investigative journalism, culture, and fiction. You can read the piece in its entirety if you register (which is free).
a few links:
The Fence's newsletter from April discusses this article & how Semple has tried to muddy the SEO waters
Semple threatened to sue The Fence for publishing this story - many of you are American so here's the relevant UK law on defamation.
& the subreddit r/culturehustle is worth a look to get an idea of just how badly run his paint business is
Holy fuck.
I had a feeling something was up with him, but like, I assumed it was going to be something slightly sketchy, not...this.
I got some of his paints when he first announced the mirrored paint.
The first thig that put up a solid red flag was the shipping material. It's cool that he has custom boxes for his studio, it looked really neat. Then I opened it and sae things like "Not for bean boy" printed all over the inside of the box.
Between Mirror, hyper pigments, and black 2.0, none of them were as extremely out there as the videos on his site made them seem. The colors are vibrant, the black is dark, and the mirror is shiny. But the level the videos showed them at are not levels I can recreate.
So like, he exaggerated as an advertising scheme. Alright, shame on him.
But reading that... Yeah. I don't expect him to sell anymore stuff.

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If nobody ever explained this to you, if someone you see a lot does something you like and you never ever tell them that, they might think you don’t like them or don’t like the things they do for you.
If you like your sister’s cooking and have never ever told her that, she may very well think that you hate her cooking. If you like it when your friend drives you places and you never ever thank them, they might think you’re not grateful even if you are. If you like it when your partner does this or that thing for you they won’t know that unless you tell them.
Tell people in your life hey thanks for driving me, that was a great dinner, I like your singing, thanks for helping me with that. They don’t automatically know that you appreciate what they do.
(Getting swindled by a genie) it’s like talking to a fucking tumblr user with you
the genie: how dare you say I'm fucking a tumblr user