~Sophie the Wolf Girl~

I’m so sorry for so many negative posts lately, I am far from a good place in my life and I don’t know what else to do

Saw one thing that triggered me and since last night, I got an autism meltdown, an ocd compulsion that I worked so hard to give up is coming back, ptsd episode/paranoia, flooding memories and they were already bad before this!

I was deleting shit so I wouldn’t have the urge to check them but it took one thing for me trying to avoid seeing and I fucking failed

Since last night and now since I woke up I’m scared to leave my guard down and I’m scared to get up to do anything, I needed to go to the bathroom but I’m just too scared I didn’t get up at all

All this crazy stuff happened years ago and they said time will heal, kinda yeah but now it’s coming back

Now I’m in ptsd episode survival mode, fucking terrified that a compulsion is coming back and the theme is shit that scares me that can also send me into a ptsd episode, and I got an autism meltdown but I wouldn’t be surprised if I got it again or even worse

I was really thinking about unaliving myself just to stop the thoughts, stop myself from doing the compulsion, feeling all this survival mode feeling, and the idea of never remembering what happened to me in the past!

I hate the people that did and say certain hurtful things towards me and accused me of shit, I hate the people who forced and choose what I like and don’t like with stuff I didn’t consent to, I hate the person who got touchy with me because not only he made my ocd fears come true, he put the final nail in the coffin!

I now have ptsd that destroyed my life that I had to get a service dog so that I don’t have ptsd episodes in front of everyone, and when I tell people I have trauma from men and that I’m scared of them they assume I hate them all and say I’m sexist! Nowhere did I said that! If I did then I guess hate my dad, male family members, and the men who were actually sensitive and were even trained to help me through this!

I won’t forgive every single person who was hurtful towards me, verbally, mentally, and physically!