Bernice Diane

look

how inactive am i

:/// i am ok tho im just not my 'artsy' self lately or maybe because i lowkey forgot updating here coz currently i have a planner and i wrote the stuff there.

last time i posted here is when i celebrated my 19th birthday (9 months ago O.o) and new years 2019. bc of that, here's a timeline of my 'ganaps' during those times that i've missed!!

march - because of the mumps, and some sickness i felt during feb, aka occuring wisdom tooth and fever), i wasnt able to catch up really really well in my zoology. i exert extra effort for me to pass, and luckily, i did!

april - i went to baler, aurora for vacation with my college friends. that place took my heart, so bad. "home away from home", indeed #iwentsurfing. also, i kind of joined my father during the photoshoot sesh of ms sta elena candidates (quite having a dilemma if im gonna be on some pageants as well, or not.).

may - my first time to vote!!!! also, me and my family went to bag-angan resort. it has a pool, and a river with balsa. next, wr went to my cousin's wedding and weeks after that, i went to calaguas island with my elementary friends (and kinda with my parents and cousin , since they're accomodating on an area which is a little far from our tent.). that experience helped me have fun even without internet! hahaha

end of may, we celebrated fiesta too. while we bought some ingredients for our dishes, there's a little story that happened. the store owner introduced me to his son, which is, coincidently, studying in our neighbor school (tamaraw!!!). i've had a crush on him, i guess, until october of 2019??? HAHA.

june - before being a student once again, me and mum went to perez, quezon with her high school friends. those days, i became friends with her friends' sons as well. a little one of the boys moment again. teehee.

2nd yr bs psychology student 🖖 it's not really that hard adjusting from a different section to another with only 1 person whom your close with. especially, most of the people are approachable and awesome (not saying that C isn't awesome, but I felt more happiness and sincerity in B, so, #NoRegrets !). in the succeeding months, we became close with our previous classmates, and eventually called ourselves, SALAZARs (the og plot twist of 2019).

july - kind of heartbreaking because i saw my first love after 5 years in sm manila with his girlfriend. other than that, all is well. baby caileigh blythe was born!

august - i guess nothing really memorable happened here. random walks at quiapo, random walks along morayta and our official rebranding as the salazar family.

(WOOOP I THINK THERE'S SOMETHING MEMORABLE IN HERE. I MET HARVEY PAGSANJAN FOR THE FIRST TIME!!!)

september - uaap season!!!!! was able to see, ricci rivero (oo na, ive uncrushed him naman after the uaap :(() , tyler tio, ildefonso bros and my ue mbt!! this season is important for some1 who doesnt love 3rdy ravena, then being suddenly "wowed" by him during his games (thats me!!).salute to mr ravena, huhu ang humble. also, first official photo with my baby, harvey. baby rigil kent is born!!!

a love-hate relationship with this month. love dahil puro basketball and boys, hate kasi ang daming beer nights and i gained weight!

october- continuation of my uaap pagtataray and the sembreak season c: uncrush-ed tamaraw guy, finally.

november - (current month) went to the beach before classes and our first undas with papa willy not being the one who's puyat, but the one who's pinagpupuyatan. i guess it would be a long time before we got used to that kind of undas set up.

also, #RoadToWhiteUniform passed! It looks like it's going to be a tough sem. HUHUHU i dont wanna die yet pls. i guess, that's all yet since this month isn't finished yet. i'll update once in a while. xx

to my parents, thank you for sending me allowance to treat my classmates (charot), thank you for taking care of me and for letting me live this 19 years with fun and learnings.

to my college friends, especially urinaly6, thank you for making me happy, for making my day extra and for making me believe that birthdays are fun again. thanks for the kulambo, sofia. erica, for the cake and for eating rice kahit hindi ka na nagkakanin, kayla, sa pasabog mo na picture kasama si renz na nasurprised ako(thank you rin, renz kahit super nakakahiya omg happy birthday rin in advance), thank you rin mamc aileen and mamc ria!!

to kuya jeric and family, tito larry and tita boots, thank you for making my birthday..a birthweek? char. thank you for celebrating with me on the day itself since my parents are in the province.

So this is the first time that I chose a computer here in school that has internet access.

I think, I have to go to the clinic later. I feel like, I have mumps.

after all, i've realized that i shouldn't only focused my 2018 year-end post on the latter days, where total sadness occured. this time, i'll tell you the good things i've been through last year.

i graduated senior high school. no awards and everything, but grateful that i have survived those tough months of adjusting and fitting not only to the society, but adjusting from being a girl to a lady, 'cause that year, i also turned 18.

next, i've experienced to travel abroad. bali is great! the beach, the people and the food. i enjoyed my time there, but majority of the days staying in bali are kind of sad, because of someone who made my vacation terrible. i don't wanna elaborate, but let's just say, that moment made me realized that, adults aren't always right. adults should also hear out the side of the young, and also, that you must LEARN to put your feet to the context before you judge those who are stuggling in that place. starting that day and up to now and the following days, i won't give a shit to someone's opinion (when it is an insult, not the opinions that corrects us.).

also, i am now 1st year college! i think i have posted something about my college struggles, like, not passing my dream school in another blog posts so i'll keep it short here. even though i did not make it to ateneo/up, i am honestly happy with my life now in ue (but there's a slight ache while watching the uaap bball competition of ue and admu, 'cause come on! that's the school where i struggled so much during the entrance exam process, and the school i've been dreaming of when i was a kid.).

i've gain some friends also. they are good and i didn't feel like i only know them for less than a year. i hope these people last a lifetime.

i've met some members of iv of spades as well, and to play volleyball once.

to the first alcoholic drink.

to write poems again.

to my first hike.

to fell off a bike.

to change my hairstyle.

also, my first year of being an exo-l.

for years of living in this planet, end of dec 2018 up to mid jan 2019 was the toughest one, i swear.

after a year of being "normal"/"regular" again, i missed a month, and it sucks. seems like i'm going to take some medicines again, diet and sleep early. maybe, it's due to the stress i have during those times where my whole family struggled on a stormy day before new year. (ang lungkot shet di ko na ikekwento naiiyak na naman ako) in connection to that, it's really hard to lose someone you're close with. salamat po, papa willy. january 27 na, pero hanggang ngayon halos gabi-gabi pa rin ako malungkot o masaya nga pero parang may kulang. minsan, habang nakatayo sa lrt. miss ka na namin, pero ayun, nang dahil sa nangyari, nakita ko kung gaano nagkaisa ang buong pamilya at oo, malungkot talaga, pero pag sama-sama kaming nagtatanghalian, may vibe na titirhan ka namin ng ulam o tatawagin ka namin kasi para sa amin, di ka mawawala. naglalakad-lakad ka lang siguro.

may mga kantang di ko na mapakinggan masyado, mga pictures na iiyak na lang bigla, establishment na di ko mapasok kasi doon kami bumili ng regalo, ringtone na nagcacause ng panic pag naririnig ko, at mga hospital scenes sa pelikula o serye na maiiyak bigla, at beer na ang hirap ubusin. pero, alam naman natin na ang mga pangyayaring ganyan, yan yung gagawin tayong matapang.

next, after ng ilang araw na napuyat sa gabi-gabing lamay (at after noon, nagtapos ng kdrama para medyo maging masaya), sore throat, lagnat, ubo, sipon, sakit sa panga, hanggang ngayon, nagpapalitan pa rin. i am not okay, emotionally and physically.

also, yung zoology. umabot ako sa point na, "ayoko na mag-psych", :ayoko na maging doctor"," ayoko na sa course ko", at "kung bobo ako sa math, mas bobo ako sa sciences". tinitignan ko na actually yung curriculum ng civil engineering (di ko sinasabing mas madali, lahat ng degree mahirap. okay? kaso, clouded ako masyado, feeling ko mas may future ako sa math world!!) , at kung magsishift ako, babalik na lang ako sa tipqc kasi mas malapit.

grabe, january is one hell of a month.

pero, after all the downs, may ups rin naman.

successful yung birthday party ni tito joel, kahit medyo napaaga, kahit nakulangan na kami ng isang family member na sobrang nakakalungkot hanggang ngayon , may madadagdag na soonest (di pa nag-pupublic announcement yung preggy, let me tell you soon. clue: syempre, di ako yon.)at, bumalik na pakonti-konti yung will ko na ituloy na itong psych.

still, tyL. start pa lang ng taon, ang dami-dami ng lessons and blessings. salamat, kasi kahit ang daming naganap, naramdaman ko ang value ng pamilya at pangarap.

yun lang muna. good night!

FIRST POST FOR 2019

though we did not start this year just like the usual (and it's really sad), i hope we slay this year happily.

sige, lapit.

sige pa, konting dikit.

di kita pinipilit,

tapos, pikit.

pikit.

masakit.

parang pinipilipit.

bakit?

kasi kahit tayo ang magkalapit,

iba ang iniisip mong pilit.

sige, sandal.

handang mapagal.

kahit mangalay dahil sa tagal.

kahit na napakabagal.

kakapit lang kahit bawal.

kaya't sige, sandal.

sige, bangon.

at wag ka na muling lilingon.

baka sa tingin mo ako'y malamon.

at puso ko'y tumalon,

pero, isa lamang palang ilusyon.

ilusyong babaon,

at aantig sa uto-uto kong imahinasyon

.sige, bitaw.

ay, saan bibitaw?

wala namang ako at ikaw.

hanggang tanaw.

lihim na dinadalaw.

nananatiling bulag araw-araw.

dapat nang umayaw.

sige, layo.

lalabas na ako.

sisigaw at tatakbo.

ang mga paa humahakbang papuntang pinto.

masaya pero

tanggap ko na hanggang ito lang ang kaligayahang matatamo ko.

sana bukas limot ko na 'to.

Nangarap maging guro,

Upang kahit nagtatrabaho na, bakasyon pa rin ay matatamasa.

Ngunit maiksi ang aking pasensya, baka manghampas ako ng bata.

Walong taong gulang na ako, gusto ko pa ring maging lisensyado.

Nangarap din maging piloto,

Upang makalipad kasama ang mga ulap at makapaglibot sa mundo,

Ngunit, ang pagkahulog at pagbagsak ay sadyang ayaw ko.

Labing-dalawang taong gulang na ako, umaasang magiging lisensyado.

Nangarap maging inhinyero.

Magbilang, magsulat at gumuhit ang mga bagay na pagkakaabalahan ko.

Ngunit, napakahina ko sa Matematika, naku!

Labing-walong taong gulang na ako, seryoso na ‘to.

Bilang isang dakilang masuri at usyusera, nangarap maging sikolohista,

Upang makatulong sa emosyonal at mental na pangangailangan ng mga tao.

Pasensya, pagbagsak, at kahinaan? akin nang ipagsasa-walang bahala.

Dalawampu’t dalawang taong gulang na ako,

Apat na taon pagkatapos nito,

Naniniwala ako, na papasa ako.

malamig pero maganda?

O ako si Princess Anna,

maligaya, pero buong buhay na nag-isa?

Ako ba si Ariel, ang sirena,

na humiling na magka-paa,

hinanap ang pag-ibig,

kahit kaligtasan ko'y di sa lupa ngunit sa tubig?

Ako ba si Cinderella,

malapit sa mga ibon at daga,

ngunit nagpa-api sa mga tao,

at hinayaang magpaabuso sa mga ito?

Ako ba si Moana,

ang batang namamangka?

Makakatulong rin ba ako sa lugar ko?

o hahayaan ko lang na alon ay lamunin ako?

Isa, dalawa, tatlo,

Sino ba ako?

ako ba'y prinsesa?

ako rin ba ay bida?

Panoorin..

Hilingin..

Manalangin..

at Tanggapin..

Gaya ni Elsa,

gusto kong unahin ang kapakanan ng iba.

Gaya ni Anna,

gusto kong maging masaya

Gaya ni Ariel, ang sirena,

gusto ko ring mahanap ang tunay na pagsinta,

gusto ko ring lumabas sa kung saan ako kumportable,

at gusto ko ring mahanap ang aking sarili.

Gaya ni Cinderella,

pangarap ko ang kagalingan sa pagkanta,

at Gaya ni Moana,

makatulong sa kahariang kinabibilangan nya.

Hindi man ako isa,

sa mga nabanggit na prinsesa,

na sila at ako,

Isa, dalawa, tatlo,

edad kung saan ako natutong maglaro,

maglakad at magsalita,

laging dikit sa Mama at Papa.

Apat, Lima, Anim,

takot pa rin sa dilim,

nagsimulang tumungo sa paaralan,

libro, lapit at panulat ay lulan.

Pito, hanggang sampu,

mga tropang panghabambuhay ay nakatagpo,

cellphone rin ay usong-uso sa panahon na ito,

natutong magpadala ng mga teksto.

onse, dose, trese,

paglalaro ay nasuspindi,

pangungulit ay natigil na,

pagkabata'y magtatapos na.

katorse hanggang kasalukuyan,

ang puso na ang nasugatan sa karamihan,

hindi na ang tuhod dahil sa habulan,

mabilis..mabilis ang pagdapo patungong kasalukuyan.

panahon.. wag sayangin,

ang oras natin ay gamitin,

pagkabata'y sulitin,

One time, our Psych Prof told us to write a letter to ourselves. There, I wrote all my insecurities, mistakes and also, some negative things that are needed to be changed as positive. After she read my letter, she told me that, "Listen to yourself. Don't try hard to be strong when you can't. Matuto kang humindi."