The Unlucky Rabbit

I have never been in love like this before, where a man has made me adore the sound of my own name.

His little rabbit. His angel. His babygirl. His princess. His love. His future wife.

His. I am his, and that's my favorite title of all.

And as we lay there 30 minutes later, a tangle of sweat-sheened limbs, my mind slipped back to Earth.

"What time is it?? When do you have to leave??" I asked, realization and panic in my voice.

He chuckled. "I should have left 20 minutes ago."

"BABY!!"

"What?" He asked, planting a kiss to my neck. "You think I would miss this?" His fingertips played down my spine before settling in the dip of my lower back, squeezing me tight to him.

The way I *SQUEALED* and kicked my feet...

I love us. I love the romantic things he sends me, I love laughing with him, I love that he always calls me beautiful in every picture I send him.

Picture from before our date Saturday night. It was so incredibly hard to take this, let alone keep it, let alone post it here... But I'm trying. Therapy has been helpful, but honestly... Joel has been everything. He's been so understanding, so loving, so supportive. I feel seen and heard (that song he played for me a few weeks back was the most incredible gesture I've ever experienced), and I know he loves ME, not my body.

It's been three years. Every time I see a monarch butterfly or a koi fish, I think of you. I miss you every day.

You would be so proud of me. I can picture your smile and the way it would feel when you pulled me into a hug and kissed me on the head. Things have been so different without you.

I miss the way you'd rock out to great music. I miss camping trips. I miss your projects. I miss going for rides in the truck with you. Hell, I even miss the cigarette smoke, sometimes.

I got it. 🥰 Mythic Dimensius is down!

X-pac in two days!

Gym has been going well. Joel and Mike have been helping me get back on track. Protein shakes and creatine help a *lot.*

This is word for word perfection. Artreyu never understood.

He knows I've been struggling more with my body dysmorphia because I haven't been able to go to the gym. Last night, he went into my closet, picked out his favorite of my dresses, and asked me to wear it. I was confused and asked him why, but he just insisted. While I changed, he pulled up a song.

He started to talk. He told me he understands my struggles with my self image. He told me he knows how I see myself. He told me that he hears me, he understands, and that I am "the most beautiful woman in the world." He pressed play, and took me into his arms.

The song was about body dysmorphia. How you never like what you see. How you don't see what others see, what is really there. I've struggled with this for decades. I was always made fun of. I developed an eating disorder. I struggled to see myself as pretty. I genuinely saw/see myself as a disgusting creature, unlovable, and ugly.

Therapy has helped. The gym, admittedly, helps more. I don't see what other people see. But in the gym, the numbers don't lie. My body IS fit. It IS strong. It IS working. I'm pushing it, and the numbers cannot lie to me the way my head does.

I think back to Artreyu at times and how he didn't understand. Accused me of catfishing him. He saw me. I wrote his name on my body. But because I wasn't yet capable of giving him what he wanted, he threw me out. If I had gotten in front of him, he would have seen I was real, and it would have put my insecurities to rest when he didn't run away like my brain told me he would. But he didn't. He threw me out, accused me of lying.

I cried the entire time we danced. I just cried, head to his chest, and listened to the lyrics. They PERFECTLY embody what is in my head, and to have HIM show me a song I'd never heard that exactly mirrored my biggest struggle...

God gave him to me. God gave him to me.

The surgeries are done. It's been an unexpectedly long recovery. I am blessedly, finally, cleared to go back to the gym this week. Two months off. So much progress lost. Joel and Mike both said they'll help me get back on track, but I can't help but feel the loss. I was doing so well. I was hitting my PRs. I'm admittedly afraid to see how far I've fallen when I resume this week, but I promised myself months ago that I wouldn't stop climbing, so back I go.

I've spent so much time at Joel's house because the heat in my apartment doesn't work. It was -14 last week. Absolutely insane...

At least the recovery period has been productive. I finished three books, practiced my guitar a bit more, and got some work done.

The guild is quickly filling up with more new recruits as we get closer to Midnight. I'm actually excited to hit the ground running. I'm still playing my priest. Today, I officially became the 2nd highest RIO priest on the entire server bracket. I'm aiming for 1st, now. Next week, I will get my Mythic Unbound Star-Eater mount.

...I'm avoiding talking about it. Stalling. I was terrified. They said I had hours. It's still hard to believe I almost died. I almost died. I don't say those words out loud to anyone, and I hate even saying them here. It was by far the most pain I've ever been in. It's still a blur. I don't really remember much before waking up after the first surgery. I just remember the pain, and Joel trying to hide how scared he was while I screamed.

I'm still here, though. That's what I'm trying to dwell on. But... I can't acknowledge that I'm "still" here without admitting to myself that I was hours away from not "still" being here.

God has a plan for me, and I'm still here for it, surrounded by love. I cannot contain my gratitude. It emanates from me. I'm still here. By God's grace, I am still here.

Even if I'm on my own

When the silence is deafening

I could be stuck here alone

When even my future is threatening

Something is lifting the bones

Something is dancing in revelry

Wider than oceans below

Taller than titans on box springs

And the waters are warm

Where they used to run freezing

Where there used to be storms

My horizon is fleeting

I'm so tired inside

I could sleep through a landslide

But I'm finally here

And I'm not leaving this time