The Unedited Journal

I started thinking on being happy for the things that I did get to do.

I was happy I got to be your friend

I was happy to get to see your accomplishments

I was happy to see your struggle becoming strength

I was happy to see you finding your own way

I was happy to see your passion

I was happy to get to sit down and have meals with you

I was happy for accidental coffee dates

I was happy for your bear hugs

I was happy to randomly treat you because I could

I was happy that no matter where, seeing me you always had that hallmark smile

I have so much to be happy for

but why doesn't it feel enough?

Am I a selfish person?

I am not happy for you life cut short

I am not happy that you didn't get to see the full fruition of your efforts

I am not happy that you didn't get to breathe for longer

I am not happy that your manyyyy dreams have now perished

I am not happy that I am in so much pain and confusion at this news

No more hugs

No more smiles

No more random talks

No more

No more

No more

I always knew it wasnt to be

Its okay being good without

Years of really wanting

Id say it's okay to let it go

Let it go and be good with it

Not all has passed

Its okay to be without it

Even though parts may not

Now I know this is an obstacle that I have to overcome for going further. It's just that I respected and admired. I will continue to do what I do, but I'm disappointed in them and a bit hurt. So hard I pushed.

I'm still so nervous even after. My body was in such a constant state of anxiety. It feels as if I have to retrain it to calm down. Lord thank you for being with me on this journey.

Thank you for all you've done to me. Life is not easy but I have a feeling its not meant to be. I pray that if that person isn't for me, take him out.

Friends competing

I think you did, so I will do it to you.

Guessing

Being petty

Begging

Center of attention grabbers