the trainables

31 Days of Horror, Day 19: It’s All For You, You Little Shit

31 Days of Horror, Day 18: I’ve Seen Kittens More Sinister Than This. No, Really, I Have!

An author of true crime novels moves his family into a murder-house™ and subsequently discovers something too hideous to even imagine: Seth MacFarlane is his neighbor. I'm kidding, of course; that's MY personal nightmare scenario. If he were your neighbor, I imagine he'd frequently show up unannounced, fedora in one hand, microphone in the other, and sing every song in the Sinatra catalog, with the occasional song about boobs or rape or minorities or AIDS—oh, Seth, you incorrigible scamp, what WILL you do next? Anyway, in the film, it's not that bad. Our protagonist only finds a box of snuff films.

The films are of several different families, each meeting a gruesome ending and each film has a cameo appearance from the ridiculously named Mr. Boogie. Yes, that’s your bad guy, I’m afraid. Mr. Boogie. It doesn’t get more generic than that, and, if it does, I don’t want to know about it. Dreadful.

There isn’t much to like about this one and it isn’t helped by its nearly two-hour runtime. Avoid, avoid, avoid.

***

List of names that sound as “scary” as Mr. Boogie:

31 Days of Horror, Day 17: Japan, I Love You, But You’re Freaking Me Out. But Don’t Worry—I’m Sure I’ll Get Over It

I’m facing an impossible task at the moment. How does one explain a film like this one? It would be easier to explain how babies are made (nobody knows the answer to this) or why I still look at internet comments, even though every single comment appears to have been created in an underground hate-laboratory by hate scientists. Obviously, I know the horror that awaits, but does that stop me? Of course it doesn’t. Like the stupid animal I am, I scroll and scroll and scroll, until my scrolling-finger is bloody and my eyes can no longer see. It’s quite fun.

Oh, right… the movie. Since I’ve yet to be diagnosed with some kind of mental disorder, I have decided that I’m not even qualified to recap this film, let alone attempt to review it. I will say that it’s quite fun and not a waste of time, but PLEASE consult your physician before watching.

List of things:

31 Days of Horror, Day 16: There’s Something About Mary (She’s Into Revenge)

Mary, a soon-to-be surgeon-school-dropout and one-time ginger snap, has a problem: she has no money, her professor hates her and her Nana won’t stop calling. Seeking an easy way to make some cash, she submits her resume to the local stripteasing establishment. She doesn’t get the job—well, not the job she was looking for.

She meets a monstrosity named Beatress (yes, that’s how they’re spelling it) who, through the magic of body modification, has been surgically altered to look like Betty Boop, if Betty Boop were human and had been in a terrible accident. Beatress pays her to meet a friend who wants to be modified in such a way as to resemble a living Barbie doll. Have you ever seen a Barbie doll sans clothing? Like that. Exactly like that. Don’t make me be graphic. Anyway, Mary does as requested.

Soon after, she attends a doctor’s party, has some non-consensual sex and decides to put her newly discovered body-modding skills to use on Dr. Rapist. Other things happened after that, but I stopped caring, so I’m done talking about this one. Sorry.

***

31 Days of Horror, Day 14: The One Where A Single Zombie Kills Everybody, Even Though It’s The Slow, Shuffling Kind

I’ll be brief: This is truly a stupid, stupid film.

31 Days of Horror, Day 13: Bless This Mess, This Beautiful Mess

A madman is on the loose in the fair city of… well, I’m not exactly sure where this takes place, but the man is definitely mad and is most assuredly on the loose. He strikes without warning. No woman is safe. Not even your bullet-bra can save you.

***

It’s the early 1960s. People still worry about what the neighbors think. Love is a thing talked about, but rarely expressed. Men are made mostly of dough, sweat and stale cigarette smoke. You can still hire an Egyptian caterer to perform an ancient blood ritual for your daughter’s birthday party. You know, the good ol’ days.

Homicide detective Pete Thornton is trying to crack the case of the “person who is killing ladies and taking parts of their bodies as souvenirs.” As cleverly named cases go, it’s a work in progress, yet he still needs to solve it, and fast—for his girlfriend’s mother, Dorothy Fremont, has hired one Mr. Fuad Ramses to cater the birthday party of her daughter, Suzette.

Mr. Ramses chooses “Egyptian Feast” as theme of the party because he has many lady-leftovers he needs to unload before their “sell by” dates. He also chooses Suzette to be the sacrificial virgin for the gatecrashing party goddess Ishtar.

After figuring out the identity of the killer, using a clue that should have been obvious the moment he discovered it, Detective Thornton arrives to save the day—or night, as it sometimes alternates between the two several times per scene—and save Suzette’s life.

"Well, no, Suzette’s mother saved her. Thornton wasn’t even there yet," you say.

Okay, fine… he arrived just in time to catch the killer, Fuad Ramses. You have to give him credit for that one!

"Not a chance. Ramses was able to outrun the cops, despite the fact they had cars—AND not to mention the fact that he was a 100,000+ year old man with a limp. It was only luck that Ramses tried to hitch a ride in the back of a garbage truck, only to be crushed to death; the homicide cop accomplished exactly nothing. He failed," you say, rather smugly.

Okay, Detective Thornton sucked, but give him a break—he was only a week away from retirement, then probably only had another year or two before he dropped dead from a heart attack, statistically speaking. He WAS nearly 87 years old.

"Actually, the actor, William Kerwin, was only in his mid-thirties at the time; he only LOOKED 87. Get your facts straight," you say, like the jerk you are.

***

31 Days of Horror, Day 12: Goodnight Moon… Forever (Because I’ll Most Likely Be Devoured By This Bed)

I’m afraid I have some bad news. We’re all going to die. I know, I know, you’re probably a bit shocked, and I don’t blame you; it’s a lot to think about. I don’t like to think about it myself. Yet, before we die, we must live out our lives. For some, this means a series of accomplishments and personal victories—for other less fortunate people, it may mean a continuous streak of failures. One thing nearly all human beings on this wonderful planet have going for them, however, is that they had nothing whatsoever to do with the making of this horrendous “film.” So, take a bow, most of humanity; you’ve earned it.

31 Days of Horror, Day 11: Reality Bites Harder Than Previously Thought

The Sandins, a family made wealthy from the selling of high-tech security systems, are put in jeopardy by the one thing they never expected—their stupid, kindhearted son.

America, 2022 Get your rifles, machetes and whatever else makes this country tick—probably bacon—because it’s the most wonderful time of the year. No, I’m not talking about Xmas; I’m talking about the one night a year when you can kill anyone—LEGALLY. In fact, ALL crime is legal, so look out, mattress tags. Your days are numbered.

A homeless man, on the run from Thurston Howell VI and his gang of hoi polloi-hunters, is pleading for help. Little Charlie Sandin decides to let him into their house. This angers Thurston and his cronies, who deliver an ultimatum to the Sandins: release the “homeless pig” (their words) or they will infiltrate the house and kill everybody.

Will they survive the night? More importantly, will Ethan Hawke survive without resorting to cannibalism this time?

In this film:

31 Days of Horror, Day 10 - Mini Review: Ask Your Doctor If Insidiousness Is Right For You

If you liked the first film, then you’ll love this one. Or maybe you won’t. Maybe you hated the first one, but you’ll think its sequel is a “brilliant, non-stop thrill ride.” Maybe you’d rather marathon-watch some Welcome Back, Kotter or read one of those “books” I’ve heard so much about. Perhaps you’ve joined a cult and won’t even see this. It’s even possible that you’re a brony now and no longer enjoy entertainment that doesn’t feature magical cartoon horses. I don’t know. I don’t have all the answers.