Working on Finding Myself

My stomach keeps doing flips and my mind has been racing since August 16th. I saw something on your phone that I shouldn’t have seen. Something good and that makes me so happy. I hate that I’m the worst person ever to surprise, but you know that too. You texted your mom a picture of a ring. Even if you were just looking. Even if you didn’t buy anything. Even if it doesn’t happen for months. I know you are thinking about a future with me and I can’t stop smiling. And I can’t wait to say the easiest yes I’ve ever said in my life.

I wish life was easier sometimes. I wish my dad was still here. I miss talking to him.

The only reason I didn’t do it because of the people I met freshman year that dragged me out of the hole I was in. It’s funny that the people that saved me don’t even talk to me anymore. I’m glad I’m still here though.

I’m laying in bed trying and failing to go to sleep. I know I have to because I have to be up at 8AM, but for some reason I can’t. My mind won’t shut off and I’m thinking of you. All my life I’ve been the last choice. The person people settle for because they can’t get who they really want. The kid picked last for volleyball. The kid that had to beg someone to be their partner on a school project. The last choice always. So, I learned to be alone. It was easier than to be rejected. I learned to play different games on the playground. I learned that I could do projects alone if I worked twice as hard. I learned that being settled for was better than not being considered at all. For 23 years of my life I never knew what it was like to be first. Then you came along. You choose me without hesitation. You didn’t settle for me. You didn’t pick me last. You didn’t get stuck with me. You choose me first. You never stopped making me feel like the first choice and I never want to feel anything but that again.

The other night we were laying in bed and you were staring at me. You let out this sigh, smiled, and said “you’re so pretty”. I rolled my eyes like I always do and said no. Do you know when you can look into someone’s eye and tell they meant what they said? That’s how I felt looking into your eyes that night. You weren’t telling me I’m pretty because you felt you had to. You weren’t telling me I’m pretty because I’m your girlfriend. You weren’t telling me I’m pretty because I was sad and you were trying to make me feel better. You told me I was pretty because you believed I am. For the first time, in god knows how long, I believed it too.

You recently asked me to move in with you. Into a place to call our own. Somewhere to turn into a home and start a life together. The second the question left your lips I knew my answer was yes. Yes, I want to move in with you. Yes, I want to build a home. Yes, I want to fight over which curtains to get or which couch is more comfortable. Yes, I want to cook you dinner after a long work day and talk to catch up. Yes, I want to. And yes, of course, I’m scared. But if I’m being honest, the second you asked me to live with you I was so sure. Maybe the most sure that I’ve been about anything in my life, that I wanted to live with you.