Hi blog. I’m turning 20 tomorrow…. I’ve had this account since I was 16 maybe? I can’t believe I’m in college and I’m doing relatively well. Thank you to everyone who has been here or has liked a post or messaged me and let me know that there are other people out there. The internet has been horrible to me but it is still a place I chose to flee to when the physicality of the real world was harsh and seemingly totally inhospitable. I’m still unsure if I’ve gained a net positive from this thing or if I’ve lost something to the internet, this blog, online heart ache and cruelty, my phone... ( a dirty word I hate to mention but must in this investigation of where the evil specifically originates from.. thats always been a question i guess. like do me a favor and in your mind, dance around concepts like industrial revolution, technology, deus ex machina, turing test and artificial smarties to get on the same page as me please. and if you are too embarrassed to dance sober im only turning 20 so i cant do much as a provider in that sense, but I can offer to hold your hand and sway and nod so we have something to do with our hands while the other readers will hopefully indulge me). i haven’t been completely loyal to this particular blog… I’ve made others and told all my secrets to real people or therapists or diaries. I don’t know if I wish all those bad things happened differently, or not at all, because that kind of business becomes messy with fate and time travel and regret. I do admit i am fearful but to drop the “1” from the first spot in my age’s name. it is bittersweet. It’s gotten so comfortable there in the past decade it’s grown vines around it, hosted numerous life forms and gained weight after our wedding and first child together-with the excuses and careful idiocy that Ive felt so happy-but never free enough, looking back- to call my adolescence.. and as I’m walking to my class, late as usual, I feel like crying. I’ve shedded some jackets and tee shirts and layers and skins and exoskeletons and added on some more after I got too cold and hungry and tired and of being bare when I lost those external comforts that I called my identity .My competency seems to be catching up with the expectations of my age and I’ve also learned to be a little of what I used to deem evil and selfish. I am still unsure of what this core infrastructure of mine consists of, and it’s really scary. It was absolutely not natural to grow, for me. I believed that the ultimate objective of life was to be a virgin baby. And only once I was given permission to have sex, by becoming a victim, was it acceptable to admit sexuality and attraction and those slippery kind of things that I looked down on other teenagers for talking about. I could only stomach being evil for two days, drugged on riot grrrl and PMS anger (if that’s real) (I’m still unfamiliar with my own body. It’s like a myth to me or a concept I want to google before I fall asleep every night but I fall into the very attractive sleep, promising myself I will remember to look it up the next morning.)