These Haunted Bones

I decided to end my restriction today and eat something to see what my stomach does after restriction. With my partner coming over tomorrow afternoon I didn't want to have to eat around him and be violently sick so yeah this is what I've had

I hope to the gods that I don't wake up the 4lbs I lost back tomorrow.

I'll be doing some exercise later to work some of this off, I enjoy the Grow with Jo 10k steps video on YouTube I have just enough space in my micro apartment to do it.

Normally my eating habits are low calorie (under 1300)and low carb. I've been trying for a year and a half now to lose weight the "conventional" way of diet and exercise but no matter what I do outside of literally ⭐ING myself I don't lose the weight. I have pcos and now I'm in my 30s it's just difficult. I have bad joints with arthritis, elehers danlos syndrome and fibromyalgia so everything always hurts. I pushed myself and pushed myself into near burn out again over the last year trying to lose this weight, that I only have due to medication, pcos and an ex who had a feeder kink and would be abusive if I didn't eat what he gave me.

However, my partner comes back for a few days on Sunday afternoon. He had been on a bulk for several months for his body building and now he is cutting for physique. So on one hand it means that there should hopefully not be a ton of food again in my apartment (he was doing a dirty bulk, lots of pizza and doughnuts). He knows I struggle with my weight he's been through it with me the last 2 years of me trying conventional ways of losing weight and my body just saying "no" to it. And he knows I have struggled with 4norexi4 in the past and have an ongoing Afrid issue. He watched me last week eat soup for my only meal with *those* watchful eyes and joked that I can't just live off cuppa soup. He didn't say anything else but, I worry if this week he will.

I don't want to just run back into eating normally because that will just mess my stomach up more and make me feel sick. So now I'm not sure what to do, do I eat smth today and ready my stomach or what?

It's strange being in my 30s.

I have no goals, no dreams, I don't work, I don't have any kids. I was not supposed to be here for this long. So I feel perpetually as a 19 year old inside my aging crippling body.

People expect things from me as a 35 year old that my 19 year old mind cannot bring to the table. I am not supposed to be here.

Even the last 2.5 years, I was not supposed to be here, I was supposed to leave at 33,and before that, 30,26,23,19,17,14,12 and 7.

My last 5 days food log. The app is called "food"

In my old age I have gallbladder problems that come from my gallbladder not emptying correctly from not having adequate amount of food/fat rendering the gallbladder useless, So I add a bit of coconut oil to coffee, it makes it creamy,,, or to rice which is a new thing this week but works nicely.

It's 101am my stomach is in knots.

I've restricted for the most part this last 4 days. I've had coffee, tea, soup and a bullion cube, little bit of rice and 1 pita bread on the days since. I've lost 3lbs. I've drank a bunch of water.

Since it's been so long since Ana and I hung out idk how to navigate it any more. Idk how to properly deal with cravings and the physical side effects of being her friend (I had forgotten about the gi issues she brings with her) all I'm thinking about rn is a burger. Even though Ana hasn't been around for a decade now, her buddy Afrid and Restriction have always been calling in with me on a daily basis. Even though I eat less than 1300 calories as a normal diet (I'm 5'2) due to pcos I'm still fat (192lbs) so this is a last ditch attempt to just control smth.

But man, I guess writing this helps. I know people will be feeling the same, or have tips for me which I appreciate. I just no longer remember how to navigate it. There was so many ways I used to do this as to feel better physically and emotionally and fix my pangs and cravings.

It's a different world stepping into Eds shoes again half way through life.

I don't have to worry about my parents getting mad at me

I don't have to worry about my school teachers getting mad at me

I don't have the typical teenage drama that spurred this mentality shift

I remember Ed being a call a shout for help just to be seen and cared for as a teenager. But now no one sees me, I have no watchful eyes on me. No one whispering under their breath, no parents staring at me across the dinner table as I play with a half eaten plate, no boy trouble or pubescent drama fueled by hormonal rage and indifference. I'm not doing this to impress the boy I like or try to fit in with the popular kids.

I am invisible

Except from myself.

I'm in a strange state of visible translucency. I tell people I'm fasting and they believe me, I tell people I'm too tired to come meet them for dinner they believe me.

Fuck, even my live out partner whose been here for the last 3 days who I have said the words 4norexi4 to and who has watched me consume nothing but tea for 3 days doesn't question my choices.