theProtector & theBoy

Again I find myself in this precarious situation. Just what is it that I'm feeling, is it jealousy or insecurity? Why do I feel this way whenever she travels... Is because I'm upset she's experiencing new things, creating memories and living special moments with out me. Come to think of it, that had always been something I struggled with. Even with the person before her, I have always had this problem. It not about trust, I think I'm just upset that I'm not there to do fun things together...

So new tattoo, sleeve in the works now. For the first time in a while I feel like I’m genuinely working on myself instead of doing things because that’s the ‘healthy’ way to feel better. Sure this new tattoo has made me feel inadequate and feel bad about how my body looks. But at the same time, I like the challenge. I want to be able to wear this sleeve when it’s done. I want it to be a part of me. I’m finally actually working towards building myself up. 

Everyone has been telling me, “you deserve to be happy too” and to be selfish do what makes you happy. What does that really mean? Every happy moment I experienced alone, I wish I had shared that experience with someone I love. Every rave I went to, every special meal I cooked, every trip I go on is supposed to make me happy, but something is missing; because a part of me is missing. 

Maybe I should seriously think about leaving. It partly feels like an easy way out. Do I want to leave because distance will fix my broken heart? Or do I want to move to pursue greater things for myself? At one point, I said I wanted to make my way to Silicon Valley, whatever happened to that? I said I would put myself first so maybe if I do this for myself, I’ll put the focus back on me and instead someone else.

Let’s stop lying to ourselves here. I have to remember, I’ve accepted the fact that we may never be together anymore. I will love and care for her regardless, even if nothing will ever come of it. I need to focus on myself and making myself happy first. Eventually that’ll mean I will do things that will add distance between us or even hurt our chances of ever getting back together. And that’s okay... because she gave up on us first. You have never turned your back on her, but she did. 

Even though I feel like I have a handle on the situation now, some day’s are just rough. Wondering what she’s doing, who she’s seeing, why she’s not replying. It’s not healthy but I’m drowning in those thoughts everyday. We’re not together anymore, she doesn’t owe me that explanation, nor should I care... 

What is wrong with me... Why do I feel like such a mess. She’s indicated she still has feelings for me. Agreed to come over and spend sometime together. Clarified that everything she’s been doing is for her mental health and she’s not romantically with anyone else. Things should be going in the right direction but I still feel so insecure and messed up. When she leaves the countries for weeks at a time and going out friends that makes her happy and can actually help her get through things, it just makes me feel so doubtful. I can’t seem to figure out what is rubbing me the wrong way... The fact that she’s found refuge with people she hasn’t known for all that long instead of with friends that actually have been caring for her for years. Or the fact that I don’t trust the people she’s with, especially how vulnerable she is right now. Either way shut up. Keep it to yourself. And don’t ever show your displeasure. 

After getting some answers and meeting face to face I feel more at ease. Just knowing how she feels about me gives me a bit relief. The most important thing is to make sure she gets better which is a tricky thing for me to help with. I constantly find myself holding back and keeping at arms length but I have to show her she’s not alone, she not to blame and she is a competent, self sufficient person. She has to figure this out on her own but she also needs people to fall back on. 

hmmmm I don’t get it. I’m starting to feel okay about everything now except for work. For whatever reason after the break up, work feels worse than before. I’m okay with living alone, doing activities alone, eating alone but work just sucks more after the break up. Is it even break up related? Maybe I’m just tired of my job... Maybe it’s time to pursue something new, and maybe leave everything and everyone behind.

My mood swing seems to have calmed down a bit. I’m not curled up in bed some days incapable of doing anything anymore. The hurting in my chest are never as painful as they were a few weeks ago. I have things planned out, other things to look forward to. Just trying to be comfortable with myself and being single again. 

Took me a while, but I’m starting to understand. No matter how you look at it we are broken up. Doesn’t matter how she feels, how I feel, how we still interact or keep in touch, we aren’t together. The last couple days was refreshing, hanging out with a new group of people, making new friends and actually being able to leave this all behind for a few nights. For once it didn’t feel like anything was missing, nothing was off. Hanging out with everyone felt new and felt right. I’m not interested in anyone, I’m not looking for anything, I’m here to do me. That’s the energy I give off and that’s how I vibe out. 

I wish all I was dealing with is just heartache, but there’s something else that’s been consuming me. As much as I think I know the person I’ve been with for the last 6 years, I can’t help but think I’ve been lied to. That there is more going on than what she’s been telling everyone. I know the mind can wonder to dark places when it left alone guessing at what had happened and what is happening. I find myself fighting these thoughts all too often, I want to believe in the wholesome person I knew and loved and I trust that she didn’t do me wrong by any means. Am I naïve for thinking this way?

Communication. I honestly think that’s the reason why my fiancé left me. Sure we can blame it on the traumatic incident that changed her life and her as a person. But the real true reason why it didn’t work out was because she probably didn’t feel safe communicating her problems with me. I didn’t listen, I didn’t understand and instead of trying to I spoke out. I gave her my solutions, I gave her my take on the situation and how I can’t help her, because I don’t feel the same way she does about what had happened. She didn’t feel safe to talk to me anymore and started communicating less and less. Be a better listener. I could’ve been the person to help her navigate her trauma, now she has decided to do it on her own.

Head up, chest out and work on yourself. If there is ever a chance she takes you back when she’s ready, I have to make sure it’ll work out, I have to make sure she chooses me. That means I have to stop mopping around about the break up. Work on articulating and communicating feelings and empathy, cook delicious foods, continue building up my body, watch my diet, get a few more tattoos, find a higher paying job, and maybe work on skin care? And in the end if she decides to completely move on without me, then I guess I’d make someone else a very happy girl. 

I told myself I wasn’t happy in my last relationship and in retrospect maybe I was the happiest I ever was. This time I told myself I wasn’t happy, and now I’m starting to think maybe I was, even during the lows. Is this a problem with myself? Do I just have an unrealistic expectation of what happiness and love ought to be? Both relationships just fizzled away at some point and I’m just chasing that high that I’ll never get again. And because I can’t get that feeling I then defined myself unhappy? Then I voice my frustration with my partner and that sets the relationship in a downward trajectory. 

My feelings are in complete disarray. My consciousness feels split again, which is why I find myself journaling to keep it together. Part of me wants to do whatever it takes to stop and move on. Use force, hate and avoidance like what I did last time. But this time it’s different, this time the other part of me is standing it’s ground and it’s draining. I’d rather still love unconditionally and hurt from it than protect myself. If I choose to protect myself, I’m going to lose her forever, like what happened to the one before her.