The PMS Journal

Whatever it is, I have snapped out of it. Thankful for that moment of clarity and that I didn’t spiral too hard this time.

So stupid to have fallen for it. But I guess this is one of those lessons that only time can teach, that only living through it would the lesson unfold.

Just like that, the boys are done with Kindergarten! It’s a heartwarming milestone, but at the same time the thought of waking up early everyday for the years to come is just so unbearable right now. Though I’ve been waking up early lately for their practices, and I do like it actually. It’s just going to be a big adjustment for me, and I’m not even the one going to school. Haha. Parenting is challenging for me, and I wonder what the next stages are going to be like for us.

There’s been a few unexpected turn of events with regard to Ayala, they actually called us and decided to renew and relocate us! All those monthsss of torture, anxiety, tears, self-doubt, etc. I’m so grateful for it, and SM also expects us to open this year. Not sure if it’s the best time to do construction at the same time, considering the situation in the middle east. I do hope it will end soon.

For some reason, the toxic guy managed to accuse us of 'slowly detaching', and we just had a minor confrontation again ( or he confronted me about it again) but I'm just so tired. I no longer want to waste my energy on him. I don't know how to tell him that yes we are still trying to be the way we were before, but energies have shifted, he can't expect for things to just go back to normal after starting some sh*t. He got used to that, I think. The energy is off now, though we try to be as normal as we can be, but we don't want to hang out that much, and he needs to learn to read between the lines. The problem is he always chooses to bring it up, to confront it instead of letting things be and maybe then everything will slowly go back to normal if there was some space or maybe we will end up drifting apart completely and we should just let nature take its course. I think we have very different definitions of 'maintaining friendships'. He thinks it's (smothering) efforts that matter, we think giving space is the way... and somehow we're gonna end up being the villains but at this point I really don't care that much anymore.

To be honest, though.. His presence and pestering do give color to our lives. It's like he's still in that stage where he's still addicted to drama, I went through it too. He thinks talking it out is healthy and I am at this 'let them' stage. Though not 100% yet, sometimes I still have the urge to 'explain', my ego still overpowers me sometimes but I am more self-aware so I try to take a deep breath and just let it go.

Part of my struggle now at this stage is that they’re learning to talk back, or defend themselves, and they’re learning new words and saying things like stupid and crazy. Been explaining to them that it’s not the words that are bad, it’s when they use ‘em to make fun of someone or laugh at someone. But I guess it’s inevitable, and I hate being a nagger… But we mustn’t tire making them understand, right? I don’t want to raise annoying kids (if they're not already haha) and truly they’re good kids especially when they’re outside.

Geez. I am 42, and I am truly at a point where I am faced with a situation that I don’t know what to do about. I can’t believe that if someone asked me what’s next, my answer right now would be ‘I don’t know’. And this is new to me because I always felt like I have it figured out… Not everything obviously, but like, in general.. I thought it would be smooth. Like I’m set to take over, just continue the legacy in hopes of improving it along the way, but I guess it’s a lesson that one must never feel comfortable because change is the only constant thing in this world. Okay I don’t know what to do about Ayala, but then there’s SM, my little hope and I just need to figure something out for the barbers and hairdressers. I think because leaving would mean taking a risk, that’s why it’s scary for me. But I trust in the brand, I trust the vision even though current trends are going against it now. The stubborn side of me makes me want to stick with our vision, but could that be the downfall? I feel like I say I’m confused but in my head it’s clear, I just don’t know how to go about it yet, or take the plunge, so to speak.

Well anyway right now I’m still waiting to hear back from them, we made a final proposition with hopes it will merit us a long term lease, and if they say no to it then that’s it I think I’ll just see from there and be forced to take it to another direction. We’re also going to start construction at SM this year, so there’s that. It’s a reality that we are all just chess pieces for big corporations.

I read somewhere that we are living in a simulation, and the older I get the more I believe in it.. Because you know, we come into this world where there’s already a pattern or system in place, and we are all expected to follow the normal path except for a few whose lives turn out to be really exciting, successful or disastrous. But would believing in it saying I don’t believe in God. Hmm, okay this is a thought for another post maybe haha. It’s so random.

The other day, I had a client come in that I haven’t seen since her last session in 2018. When she came in, she took off her wig and disclosed that she had cancer in 2019, and her hair hasn’t grown back since the chemo sessions. She told me she didn’t even tell her sisters back here in the Philippines, she didn’t want sympathy, she said, so she managed to hide it from them until she became cancer-free. But she had to tell me because I needed to know that information as her PMU artist, but still she shared with me her cancer journey, their 50th reunion (the main reason she came home this time) and some other things that happened in the last 8 years. It made me somehow emotional that people trust me with their stories, that they feel safe to tell me things.. She told me she was relieved she had the permanent makeup, she had her brows retouched/refreshed, and had her lower eyeliner done, so she doesn’t have to put on basic daily makeup anymore. She’s going back to the states so I’m going to see her again for the free touch up. Our session was really warm and touching.

So my life lately has been… Peaceful? Colorless? Not sure which one describes it more accurately. But I do like it, it’s just like our life before we met the toxic couple. It was fun knowing them. Now no one expects to hang out anymore, no one’s really talking anymore except for me and the toxic guy. I can feel they’re also slowly detaching (especially the wife), and it’s okay. I realized we’ve only known each other for more than a year, we could do without each other in our lives. Now we’re just like the parents who casually say hi when we bump into each other in school. Back to the beginning, except it’s not going anywhere this time because of that ‘stain’ in the friendship. It’s all good, I guess. I did grieve that friendship for a while, but now I’m at peace with how things are.

I can feel something strange in the house in Tainan. For some reason, uncle Power doesn’t seem like himself. It was his birthday yesterday, and they already had a family dinner planned. We came home a day earlier than expected because of the cold weather in Taipei, so maybe they felt obliged to invite us since we were suddenly in town. But he didn’t even pretend to - not that we would have gone even if they insisted.

What unsettles me is the change in small things. For the first time, he asked us to park across the street. He’s always let us park in the garage whenever we visit, and that was his quiet way of saying we were welcome there. I don’t mind parking across, but we never heard him complain of not being able to get a spot before.

As I get older, I’m starting to realize something: our parents were also just living their lives for the first time, the same way we are now. They didn’t have a manual, they didn’t always know better, and most of the time they were just doing the best they could with what they had.

That doesn’t erase the fact that some of their choices or their inability to show love in the ways we needed left marks on us. I read someone say, “But that doesn’t give them the right to pass trauma on or control their kids,” and that’s true. But what surprised me was my own reaction to that. I felt like, yes, we can acknowledge the pain, but at some point it becomes our responsibility to heal. We can stay angry, or we can decide to break the cycle and not carry the same weight forward.

I’m not talking about people who went through severe abuse, that’s different and far more complicated. I mean the quieter things, like parents who never learned how to say “I love you,” or who couldn’t meet us emotionally in the ways we longed for. Those gaps affect us as adults, in our relationships and the way we see ourselves. But whether or not they ever apologize, whether or not they even see it, the work of healing is still ours.

But that wasn’t what broke my heart. He went on to say that no one likes to play with him at school, that no one listens when he calls them. Then he added, “I just play with no one lang.” When I asked how that made him feel, he said it made him angry, but only angry in his mind (unlike at home, where he screams and shouts when he is upset, probably because it feels like his safe place).

While listening to him, I just felt so helpless. It is one of those things you cannot protect your child from. No matter how much you want to shield them, there are moments in life that they simply have to face and figure out on their own. All we can really do is build up his confidence at home, so he always knows he has a place where he is loved, understood, and free to be himself.

He did not feel sorry for himself, so I did not make him feel like he should. But my heart was still shattering into pieces. Such an innocent child, and it sucks that I cannot fix everything for him. It hurts in ways I cannot explain, having to stand back while the world touches him in ways I wish it never would. Parenthood feels cruel sometimes, because the hardest thing to do is nothing. To just watch. To hold yourself back when every part of you wants to step in.

But I trust that he will figure it out, in his own time. Until then, we will pour every ounce of love, faith, and guidance into him, even if it’s quietly from the background.

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