The Blueprints

It was some time after sunrise that I held your hand in search for comfort. Your palm resembled smooth granite and your fingers laid still and frigid. The energy ran chills down my spine. I couldn't believe that you were free from the pains that shackled your never ending search for joy. You were so good at convincing all of us that pain solely required perseverance, endurance and good company to properly heal. So good in fact that when your medical team told us this may be the end, we quickly thought, "We've heard that before. He'll pull through". The night before I pleaded that you give me till sunrise to come to terms with the end and just like any other promise, you did. Here you are in excruciating pain granting your favorite daughter one more selfish wish. These days, I really miss holding your hand, dad. Although I've been blessed with hands like yours, I'm still working to bring the comfort within like you could bring on the brightest days and stormiest nights. I don't hope you're well because I know your are. Your spirit is still pulsing in the air around me. I only hope you're greeting our lost and fallen brothers and sisters to hold their hand to remind them that their fight is over and this is their new beginning. #forevergrateful https://www.instagram.com/p/CEzGg1RDIqn/?igshid=12iio275c17vr

It's Sunday and my brain is racing through all of the teacher to do list items for the week. A teacher's job is never done and if you haven't thanked or shown gratitude to the teachers around you— Consider it! I've been continuing to distance myself physically from people and it has been lonely. However, I rather be this way, then risk my family. I understand that many have been consciously letting their guards down and it all comes back down to my own insecurity. I've personally seen and continue to experience what covid can do even when you listen to the CDC. Some might say it's inevitable but there's one thing in particular I'm never going to be comfortable with sacrificing for myself or my loved ones. That thing is deep breathing. For years, I've created space for myself using this technique. From long worrisome days in the ICU to reaching destinations under the Vietnamese sun, having full control of my breath had been something I could rely on to calm and ground my nerves. Breathing is vital and I can't imagine living long ten with the thought of never knowing when I'll be able to do it under my own terms again. So now, I live in the comfort of my paranoia. I wear a mask to take out the trash, I refuse to sit down on my furniture before I am in my "home clothes", I have postponed all trips, and I go to work after everyone's gone home. But here I am, almost 6 months in and I'm still okay with it. https://www.instagram.com/p/CEhx7VVjeG4/?igshid=dtb5rfcjkgib

It's not up to me on whether or not we set the world's pinwheel out to spin again. I honestly don't know what to make of it. But that's not what this is for... Days grew long and some of us had the opportunity to shed light on our desires, faults, and growth. With changes coming our way, the pinwheel might pick up speed faster than we'd all like and this can feel intimidating. I often have to remind myself no one is threatening to take away the space you've created for yourself by opening their doors again. But a new responsibility arises. "How am I going to protect my created safe place?" You've planted the seeds. 🐛 You've watched them sprout into the beginnings of a lush garden. 🌻 Now, it's time to root down to rise. 🦋 #mizukiwandersHOME #mizukiwanders (at Shelter in Peace) https://www.instagram.com/p/CAmL7Pwnqf1/?igshid=twidm2i2c88t

It's funny how we can spend so much of our life doing something and then slowly disassemble the foundations until there's not much left to grasp. Although I'm struggling with my lack of strength, flexibility and balance, I'm grateful to have slow mornings at home that include a coach fertilizing my roots and tricking me into goddess squats. (at Ebb & Flow Yoga Studio) https://www.instagram.com/p/B-CrTeWntGj/?igshid=1m4xiirqv3j3g

enjoy the simple things... (at California) https://www.instagram.com/p/B99lKO5njf3/?igshid=128pi1rsn6vcq

There have been too many times where I arrive somewhere hot and exhausted and I think "Huh, that's it?". Then I return home to my comfortable small town and think, "YEAH, that's it". I tend to let my current feelings take the wheel which then fogs my vision to see things as less than they really are. The challenge of #traveling isn't finding the right photo to share, but rather living in the present moment when there's #weather, #trash, #crowds, and lack of ___ to worry about. Next time, I'll be sure to take a moment to survey the things that can't be changed and weigh them over the experiences that could cease to exist. #mizukiwandersTulum #mizukiwanderstoMX #mizukiwanders #tulum #tulummexico #mexico (at Tulum, Zona Arqueológica & Playa, Rivera Maya) https://www.instagram.com/p/B94brntHIW_JtAq9PY_g2419n15fhAeOIiOH0o0/?igshid=1cocfq061eg9

I started this weekend off #moody. #socialdistancing had me for a moment. Today was about getting back to the things that bring me joy. >Creating new recipes >Listening to music >Learning new skills >Bike rides >Watching clouds in the driveway What are you doing to center yourself? (at California) https://www.instagram.com/p/B90hw6PnDEr44Qwo1r5yAAj3PSVds1t7aTMk0U0/?igshid=1d66z9qcquhsa

At the end of 2019, I ran off to see the coastal redwoods thinking that with the anxiety I was feeling, the forest could shed my stress and fears. It did it in Oregon, Japan... Hell, it's done it just about everywhere I've traveled. So I thought, "Why not give it a go?". But for the first time, I was let down. Here's the only portrait of me from this cleansing attempt. It's the only one because I couldn't bear the idea of seeing myself surrounded in pain despite all of this beauty. Almost like that feeling you get when you stare at yourself too long in the mirror. Now it's three months later and I've allowed to let more light in with things, activities, and the people I love most. So let this false smile serve as a reminder to check in with the people in your life, yourself and to face your fears by LETTING LIGHT IN. Things can get accomplished. Things can get better. Things can change. #mizukiwanderstoRedwoodNPS #mizukiwanderscalifornia #mizukiwandersnps #mizukiwanders (at Klamath River) https://www.instagram.com/p/B9vPspdnjjgjGmWUDHd2Zz5meibViM6n1-8Qno0/?igshid=eldqxnyemxn8

Thanks for sharing another piece of your story with me this weekend. I always knew a trip to the islands would be unique, but becoming best friends with dolphins made me feel like the imaginative kid I once was. #mizukiwanderscalifornia #mizukiwandersnps #mizukiwandersChannelIslandsNPS (at Santa Cruz Island) https://www.instagram.com/p/B5T_r8gHUzUo3-6ZTgLhqGM0eIeKAG9mRa9zpI0/?igshid=17fg9wx8gv6bs

This weekend was full of love and friendship. I couldn't help but do a lot of reflecting on what I want to take away from this life. I still have so much searching to do but at least I have one thing checked off my list. #mizukiSTILLwanders #mizukiwandersSanDiego #mizukiwanderscalifornia #mizukiwanders (at Torrey Pines State Natural Reserve & State Beach) https://www.instagram.com/p/B4wL55SnAQ4E9YoOd9v2nlJ7de5dSnw4OlXrRY0/?igshid=1bsema96qp29h

Last year, I traveled back to #Japan to kick off my last hoorah before returning back to school. Although surrounded by family, good food, and fresh faces I often felt alone. This night I decided to take one of my favorite midnight walks in the pouring rain and it seems like centuries ago. The #obstacles to overcome and achieve my status as a #credentialed #teacher chewed me up, spit me out, and created a stronger me with a more wide perspective on what it means and feels to be alone in a foreign place yet surrounded by love and a shared compassion. I want to share a special thanks to my existing and added #supportsystem this year. I really could not have pushed through with out your giggles, words of wisdom, and welcomed distractions. With love, Z #mizukiwandersTokyo #mizukiwanderstoJapan #mizukiwandersbacktoschool #mizukiwanders (at Kamata, Tokyo) https://www.instagram.com/p/BzCBV8lnrjJXBtqZwOfpWnFbZ6KDGN3sE2-mpE0/?igshid=1ddo7vr4p3sns