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MOla Darling

One night, a while back, I was with some friends, hanging out, and the topic of raising children came up. How? I have no idea, but we’re all in our mid-20s and we probably thought by now, we’d have a whole army. Then, reality hit us, and we’re just tryna figure out who actually likes us, but that’s not even the point. This will always be a touchy subject, especially in a room of women and men, who just think completely differently about things. During the conversation, it was said (by a man) that men shouldn’t be tagged or labeled as a “deadbeat” if they made it clear to the woman that he did not want to have the child prior to the birth of the child. I thought about his statement for about 4-5 seconds, and I immediately disagreed with him. I’m actually here to explain why and to see where y’all stand on this.

There will always be controversy whenever unexpected pregnancies arise. It is one of the situations that cause a lot of opinions and scrutiny, but it’s also a very important circumstance that should be handled wisely. Truthfully, as a man, I have to be careful on how I discuss this topic as a whole, and I completely understand why. Although both genders are involved, speaking on what a woman should do with her body is not my steez, and hasn’t been ever since I understood how insensitive that was. But getting back to the comment that was made, it’s very important to understand that how society views you in this whole situation isn’t even what’s truly important. What about the child you created?

Ok, you’re dealing with a chick, and whether you’re fully into her or not, y’all are sexually active. With that, there’s always a risk of having a child, whether unprotected or not (I’ve heard some crazy stories). So, taking on that responsibility, for starters, you know that it may come with some consequences, and you’ll forever remain in control of if you want to continue to put yourself in a position to even have to face those consequences. I hope I didn’t lose you there. It’s like knowing you’re lactose intolerant and continuously eating dairy. Now sometimes, your body doesn’t react to it, but you know that if you keep eating that pan pizza from Domino’s you can possibly suffer a whole lot (I’m subbing myself, guys). Now, let’s take it back to pregnancy.

So, boom! Shorty gets pregnant, and now you’re expressing to her that you’re “not ready to be a father” and you “don’t want to deal with a kid right now” because you’re “still trying to get life in order”. She’s definitely going to hear you out, because, on her end, she knows she has a very important decision to make. It’s, even more, pressure on her end, especially after hearing those words, because now, not only is she carrying a life inside of her body, but she’s also dealing with the possibility of having to raise this child alone because of the disdain displayed by her partner. But ultimately, she decides that she can’t see herself ending a life that she’s created, and decides to keep it. Of course, you expressed to her that you didn’t want to keep the baby, so now you feel like the best thing for you to do is separate yourself because you “didn’t ask for this”.

But, my brother, you actually did, once you made that decision to have sex with her. Now, I completely understand the mentality and get that there’s much fear that comes with being an unprepared parent (mentally, emotionally, financially), but there’s one party to think about in this case that has zero advantages, and that’s the child. Whether you wanted it or not, it is your responsibility, and it’s not a responsibility that you should just be holding off until you feel like doing it. In no world of mine is an infant child comparable to a college essay; where we know it’s in our responsibilities to get the paper done for that grade, but we wait… and wait… and wait… and wait, until the last minute to cram and get the work done. But if your focus is on how you’re going to be viewed, try to look at yourself through the eyes of the life you created, because that’s the most important judgment.

Let’s say you grew up in a two-parent home, in a “functional” family (no family is truly fully functional). Think of the advantages you had knowing you had the support of two parents, and you could gain life lessons, knowledge and care from two people who you called your father and your mother. Now erase that, and put yourself in the shoes of a single parent household, and that parent just so happens to be your mother. No father figures around to do anything for you or her, and although she’s superwoman, it could be much easier on her, and you know that, because of you, as the child in this situation missed out on so much, due to the lack of a father in the home.

It’s no secret to me that the absence of fathers (especially black fathers) has been plaguing our society and community for years. I have many friends who can relate to having a father in jail for the majority of their adolescence, or a father who was murdered while they were an infant, or never knowing who their is or was all together. So if you can relate, why would you contribute to the continuance of that cycle, if you have the control to change that? Even if you can’t relate, why wouldn’t you offer the same opportunities to your child that you were offered as a child? You shouldn’t be worried about being called a deadbeat, but you should be more so concerned with not actually being… a deadbeat.

I say all of that, to say this: Life will continuously hand us responsibilities that we probably will never truly desire. It’s been happening forever, and it will always be that way. You can always pick and choose what responsibilities that you want to handle, but understand that the responsibility of being a parent is not one that you can hold to the same standard as paying a phone bill. Going a couple of weeks without service and texting through wifi is incomparable to having to raise and be a part of a child’s nurturing process from birth. No matter how many times you made it clear that this was a responsibility that you did not want to deal with, you must accept the fact that, as a man, you played a very vital role in the conception of that child and if need be, your priority should be to step up and be a father.