Living with TMAU

Still alive and kicking. 

It’s been over a year since I wrote the last post and let me tell you not much has changed except the B2 did not work the way I thought it would and I had to stop using it quickly.

I use white vinegar now like I’m obsessed cos without it, I can’t stand the smell of my own clothes. Sad right? I’m honestly not sure if it’s better or worse, just that it sucks. I smell all day everyday, if I eat, if I don’t eat, if I detox, if i don’t detox (so you might ask why even bother detoxing right?) I exist as a smelly mass just pushing my way through life. 

Nonetheless, I continue to exist here on the earth and try to make the best out of all situations. 

Yes, I still stink up the office. Any efforts on my part to mask the odor with body sprays and perfumes end in failure. I already knew this but you see I am the eternal optimist hoping and praying for a miracle everyday. Every time I try, I say to myself, “maybe today, the perfume will last and I will smell like a little piece of heaven throughout the day”. 

Anyways, I’m not here to spread gloom all over your dashboard. Just here to say i’m still fighting the good fight with no end in sight. (Hey look I rhymed!!! :-)) Goodbye.

Struggling.

After my New Year post, I embarked on what can only be described as a gluten-full diet of Shredded Wheat and Whole Grain bread to increase my fiber intake. I should know better and in a lot of ways, I do know better. But I was unemployed and living alone so I indulged. 

Ladies and Gentlemen, I have not stopped smelling horribly since then. I stopped eating those things as soon as I noticed how bad it was getting but the odor is still there... I’ve tried cleansing with all my usual things. I’m taking all my supplements again, yet no progress. 

The last two weeks I got a job and it’s great to finally be working after almost a year. It’s fantastic to be busy and get money at the end of the month but I’m stinking up the office.(Which leads me to think maybe it’s stress cos I have been in a stress free zone for almost a year and now I’m getting up early and closing late and running all these errands but then I think, this BO started before I even got the job so it can’t just be stress). Most people are tolerant I think cos they just leave but I stay getting those looks. Guys you knowwwww those looks, those death glares. Like somehow, you glaring at me is magically going to take this body odor away. Bye Felicia! That’s not how it works. I wish it was but sadly it isn’t. 

They installed a whole other AC since I joined (just 2 weeks) There’s air freshener in the bathroom now and I notice after I’ve been to the bathroom, the windows get opened and they spray air freshener everywhere. (I know cos I drink a lot of water to “flush” but that doesn’t work and I just end up still stinking but peeing a lot). I’m not eating anymore cos I’m afraid of what will happen if I do eat (my coworkers think I’m super weird and are worried about me cos they think I’m starving myself).

I’m not going to lie, it’s hard. I’ve been sticking to a TMAU diet and cleansing when i can. It’s not working but I’m still trying and hoping my body will normalize soon. Going to start working out again and see if that helps too. This whole thing sucks. It sucks! It sucks. IT FUCKING SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But I’m going to keep trying. Every year I check to see if they’ve finally found a cure but sadly, they haven’t. However, I’ve been reading a lot about how Vitamin B2 really helps TMAU and activated charcoal too. I avoided activated charcoal for the longest time and took copper chlorophyllin (which didn’t work for me btw but who’s checking). Hoping that this new research on B2 helps me out. Those two have been on my buy list. 

Wish me luck guys, hoping I can get back to normal (my normal is still a smelly state but it’s significantly minimal compared to what I’m going through now). 

First, let me start off by saying Happy New Year!!!! I know it’s almost the end of the first month but where I’m from, if it’s the first time you’re engaging in a new year, you still say it. 

Just gonna reiterate two very important points from some old posts: 

1) I know I had a post where I said it was not true buttttttt GLUTEN IS AN ENEMY FOR SOME OF US!!!!! Earlier, I thought it was a lie cos my body odor didn’t go away immediately but then I checked all the sneaky sources of gluten. Gluten is not just your bread and pastries, gluten is in your pasta, it’s in your beer, your cereal, your orange chicken in the Chinese restaurant is dipped in flour before it gets in the sauce, it’s in a lot of restaurant sauces and gravies (check the recipes online if you think I’m kidding), your soy sauce at the sushi restaurant. GLUTEN IS EVERYWHERE AND IT IS SO SNEAKY. I thought I was nuts but then I read this book and guess what everyone? My aunt suffers almost the same thing but hers is more BB than BO... She scolded me so bad when she found out that I was suffering in silence. She literally had managed her condition, it got really bad and then she changed her lifestyle and now she’s living her best life at over 60. 

I’m not saying giving up gluten is easy, there are days where I eat tons of bread in the morning, noodles in the afternoon and some other gluten filled food at night (I know I am definitely not going out that day and I try to detox ASAP cos you will be amazed at how long bad food can stay in if you don’t help yourself). I miss it most days but I have observed my body. I function way better without gluten, it’s not just the persistent body odor that goes away. It’s the bloating, indigestion and discomfort. I feel way better without gluten in my body. I also cannot take soy, I’ve noticed it’s a really bad and immediate BO/BB trigger for me. I looked back on my life and the periods where I ate the most gluten such as pastries, noodles/pasta and bread especially (I’m a bread addict), I was terribly unfocused, gained a lot of weight obviously and SMELLED THE MOST (basically every time I was in school cos you binge when you’re studying and with your friends).

2) In one of my early posts, I talked about using baking soda on your clothes to get the smell off. I’m writing about it again cos it’s easy to forget. Heck, I forgot too. I mean baking soda paste (just mix baking soda with a little water) can get rust off blades and yellow armpit stains off clothes. It will get the smell off and you won’t have to abandon that cute shirt or dress cos it smells off no matter how many times you wash it. Also, white wine vinegar when rinsing your clothes helps a ton but it is not as effective as baking soda. 

Happy 2018 and please remember to live your best life, you are not alone!!!!  Every year, new discoveries come out for how to live with our condition and hopefully there will be a cure soon instead of coping and survival mechanisms. Aaaand...

So now that I’ve gotten my emo out. 

Let’s get down to business. I’m not sure I’ve discussed traveling with TMAU...

It is simple.

Really simple.

DO NOT EAT PLANE FOOD!!!!!!!

 (Unless of course you’ve told them your dietary restrictions beforehand which a lot of people don’t)

Since hitting puberty, it has always been a struggle traveling (even though I did a lot because YOLO, had to chase the educational opportunities right?!),. I would get side eyes and hear sighs and groans all the time until it hit me that most plane food is laden with triggers because the average person isn’t going to smell from eating food. 

What I do is this, I buy the biggest bottle of water after I’ve checked in and I always pack my own trigger free snacks as well as stick deodorant and an extra shirt to change as soon as the plane lands and I get off the plane. 

Also, I try to sit in the aisle. Now you may think why would one sit in the aisle when you should sit in the corner by the window so your smell does not bother anyone. The reason is this... you may need to use the bathroom quite a bit if it’s a long flight. It is easy for you to get up and go without watching another person sniff, hold their breath and roll their eyes as you go “excuse me please”,

Depending on how strong your odor is, you might get an empty row quite a bit if you’re up for traveling. This is a blessing, absolutely. Yes it stings initially that nobody wants to sit next to you or that people switched their seats but think of it as a whole row to stretch out on and nobody to sniff around you for the duration of your flight. 

Guyssssss!!!! I just want to say thank you for your encouraging messages.

 I KNOW HOW HARD IT IS!!!!!! I went through college basically alone and then through masters (I do not know how I got through this one, honestly it’s all a blur)... I had weekends of crying myself to sleep, Friday through Sunday. I’ve had work days when I’ve come back from work and wondered what the purpose of this life is and what kind of curse this is.

I’ve had to be the quiet one who tries not to look for trouble cos you know you’re an easy target for abuses, heck, people won’t even sit next to you. Be in a room filled with people but be invisible cos the smell attracts enough attention as it is. 

If you’re going through high school or college, it gets better. Work hard enough to have the kind of life you want, work from home, build your own business, whatever it is. And you do learn your trigger foods as you grow older (having the self discipline to avoid them is a different matter entirely).

Some days (especially before and during my period), it gets sooooooo hard. But your messages encourage me and knowing that I’m not alone in this and this is not all in my head gives me strength so thank you very very much. 

Take less soy!!!!!!!!!!  I think I forgot that soy is a trigger for TMAU. I took A LOT of Alpro soy yoghurt in the U.K. and this may have contributed to the awful breath and odor that I previously blogged about. (I’m talking big, massive cups of “alternative” yoghurt everyday)

Since I came back to W. Africa, I stopped all the things I recommended. Stopped probiotics, digestive enzymes, peppermint oil, everything. Truth be told, it's really expensive here or unavailable and I couldn't be bothered to hunt for them. And soy yoghurt isn't available here so I finally figured it out. 

Guess what? The smell has really gone down**. When I avoid gluten and lactose AND work out, it's almost like I'm brand new. I CAN EVEN RAISE MY ARMS IN PUBLIC AND WEAR CHIFFON. As long as I work out and eat good, everything is okay. 

What even sucks more is that removing gluten from my diet does not reduce smell. 

Like I could totally remove gluten from my diet and guess what, I’m frickin’ lactose intolerant 

But hold up, I have TMAU so whenever my period pops around, I gotta be smelling like shit....

In essence, ladies and gentlemen... I give up. It’s too hard doing this.

Hey everyone, it's me again. Miss Smelly! So as I've mentioned before I've moved to West Africa. The diet is different and everything is different. I finally found a job!!!!! And I quit that one and got an even better job!!! Check this, I got my own office space so now nobody covers their nose near me or side eyes me. I will admit that sometimes my smell gets so bad people side eye me once they open the door but just look at God! That worked out nicely. 

Okay now for a story, in February I stopped taking all my meds. Stopped the peppermint oil, grapeseed extract, digestive enzymes, probiotics and multivitamins/vitamin c. Wasn't even taking any chlorophyll. My body odor skyrocketed, my metabolism dipped. I was so depressed and so focused on the fact that I couldn't get a job at the time and everything was just not working the way I wanted it to. I didn't care how bad things got and eventually when I got a job in a super cramped office (but hey better than nothing right), I didn't even care about helping myself. As my mother put it, "I let go". 

Fast forward to today, I'm sitting in my office with a view of the sea... Nobody there just me and my bad smell (and this time the smell is everywhere, my breath, my feet, my armpits, my sweat), bloated stomach, severely overweight body, constipated bowels, everything just going terribly internally and I just think when did it get this bad? When I stopped taking my medicine. I used to think the medicine wasn't doing anything for me and I just smelled regardless so why bother but gosh my clothes REEK so bad these days!!! Even with the vinegar. And it turns out those meds were doing a lot for my metabolism, digestive health and also my body odor!!! It didn’t make it go away completely, which I think was where my frustration was. But it helped in some ways! So I guess I’m on a lifetime supply of these meds until I find the one that takes the body odor away completely.

Needless to say I’ve started again this evening - got my multivitamins, vitamin c, b12, calcium magnesium and zinc, grapeseed extract, peppermint oil and folic acid. My digestive enzymes are finished so I need to stock up on those and I'm trying to see which pill exactly emphasizes my bad breath. The only good thing that happened when I stopped taking all the pills was that the bad breath that sort of oozed when I breathed or opened my mouth stopped so I just need to try each pill amongst the probiotics, digestive enzymes and grapeseed extract to know which one wasn't helping. I tried all sorts of deodorants the last 8 months - Rexona, Sure, Lynx, soft and gentle, Right Guard, etc. Nothing seemed to work even when I washed with antibacterial soap then a body scrub then a body wash. Therefore I've decided I'm going to return to fighting the battle internally and see what happens and if I can at least reduce this embarrassment a little bit.

Guys, if someone could just send me a virtual hug or a nice message, that would be sooooooo encouraging for me. 

Just one of these:

Or this: 

Just say something nice to me please and I can return the favor...

It’s not just the isolation from this disease or curse as we know it.... the stress of this country takes its toll on you. No electricity, no water or dirty, maggot infested water, no petrol (yes, an oil producing nation constantly experiences fuel scarcity) and then when there’s petrol they refuse to allow you buy in kegs for your generator that you use to create electricity that the government won’t provide. No you blasted idiots, I’m not going to lug my big ass generator to the filling station every time it runs out of petrol. That’s not how it works. Your attendants know it’s crazy but they don’t want to get fired disobeying your instructions. Ugh! Then you have to pay for expensive diesel which gets burned up so easily. I’m living in heaven everyone, can you tell??

And I refuse to resort to alcohol for stress relief after discovering what it really makes me smell like. I’ve been binge eating and eating badly because there’s no one to smell me and it does bring its own rather short lived comfort. But I’ll be real here, I’m lonely... I’m very very lonely.

I need a job and I’ve had opportunities but I’m so so afraid. Memories of people buying and spraying excessive amounts of air freshener (it became part of the office budget on more than one occasion) or memories of them cranking up the air conditioning and making sure I’m right in front or under it bring despair to my soul and instead of prepping, I just sit scared staring into space. I’m tired of being brave. I’ve been brave ever since I hit puberty. I just need someone to hug me and say everything will be okay and there is greatness on the other side of this struggle. 

Does it make me weak that I admit to being tired of fighting a losing battle since I hit puberty?

Am I less of a woman because I smell and because I have not found a cure for it yet? “She’s beautiful but she smells so bad all the time.”

Does my intelligence count for nothing because I haven’t had a paying job in seven months?

Do I hang myself because my brain stops working the moment I notice the interviewers’ discomfort as I open my mouth or when they turn off the air conditioning because they are cold (and therefore really smell me)? And no, nobody works remotely over here so that is not an option for me though I would love love love it. It would solve 80 percent of my problem and I would be able to earn a living...

Am I a completely useless waste of space in spite of and despite this smell?