i am going to get so big & strong this time i mean it .. i'm getting my body ready for an explosion... i.e. falling down & bouncing back up ; like a little kid again . i want my body to be as resilient as possible, within reason, because my deformities & chronic conditions do limit me, but i've always been able to use them to my advantage, my mum taught me well, i just get scared ,mostly because strangers either fetishise or feel sorry for me, but as we know; piss on pity

a false sense of spring.. keeping the potted plants warm under the bushes until the sun comes back out.. realised i've been paying hundreds of dollars for my medication when it could have been six dollars a pop under the PBS .. which as of yesterday i can now claim thanks to a formal diagnosis that my old loser psychiatrist wouldnt give me.. anyway.... soup is on the stove

Ok I was thinking today was a bust for various reasons but I went to the Dr’s & I am now allowed to book my own appointments which is to say I am now medically stable + weight restored for the first time in over a year & no longer require weekly monitoring

woke up & forgot where i was. i'm biting my fingernails again & i don't know why.. dragged myself down to the fruit & veg shop. forgot it was sunday. 100 people packed easily into the aisles. bought a coffee from the cheapest cafe in my neighbourhood where you can still rent dvds. i think today is the last day of sun for a while. bbq'ing on the lawn. creek later. trying very hard not to feed into old delusions. my skin is a nightmare

Today I went out for brunch & I got a car park right out side the cafe which helped my anxiety a lot. It’s next to impossible now for me to get a disability permit so I am at mercy to the city. Came home & we potted 40 new plants for the garden (5 are strawberry gum) then I ducked down to the creek for a couple of hours. Got back & d said he’s making pancakes for dinner. Perfect day even if I have pins & needles in my entire body

it is the 1st day of august. going to resolve some bad habits/renew some rituals. stop drinking. & remember to look up + unclench my jaw. watch the news less. listen to my friends carefully. read the book that's been hung up on the clothesline . take seroquel every day