Went into the city for the first time in weeks . Shaking before we began to lock up the house. How did i used to live smack bang in the middle of it all. Now it makes me feel scared. Downed a glass of wine for the road. Listened to the opera on the radio in mostly silence. Watched memento with a live symphony soundtrack. I think we were the only ones laughing through the whole thing. Came home to my bedroom roof leaking from all the influx of rain

i am going to get so big & strong this time i mean it .. i'm getting my body ready for an explosion... i.e. falling down & bouncing back up ; like a little kid again . i want my body to be as resilient as possible, within reason, because my deformities & chronic conditions do limit me, but i've always been able to use them to my advantage, my mum taught me well, i just get scared ,mostly because strangers either fetishise or feel sorry for me, but as we know; piss on pity

a false sense of spring.. keeping the potted plants warm under the bushes until the sun comes back out.. realised i've been paying hundreds of dollars for my medication when it could have been six dollars a pop under the PBS .. which as of yesterday i can now claim thanks to a formal diagnosis that my old loser psychiatrist wouldnt give me.. anyway.... soup is on the stove

Ok I was thinking today was a bust for various reasons but I went to the Dr’s & I am now allowed to book my own appointments which is to say I am now medically stable + weight restored for the first time in over a year & no longer require weekly monitoring

woke up & forgot where i was. i'm biting my fingernails again & i don't know why.. dragged myself down to the fruit & veg shop. forgot it was sunday. 100 people packed easily into the aisles. bought a coffee from the cheapest cafe in my neighbourhood where you can still rent dvds. i think today is the last day of sun for a while. bbq'ing on the lawn. creek later. trying very hard not to feed into old delusions. my skin is a nightmare