Thank you Ed Sheeran for “End of Youth”. The first time I heard it it hit me straight in the chest. You managed to put to lyrics some of the things I didn’t know how to put into words. It’s unfortunate you have the experience to write a song like that but at the same time it’s nice to know I’m not alone in those experiences of life altering grief... I hope you keep making music for as long as it makes you happy to do so.

Just got home from a 10 day trip abroad and I feel odd, even started to feel this way in the airport we had a layover in. The trip doesn’t feel real. I know it really happened and I saw family and met new people and saw new places and yet now that I’m back laying in my bed it feels even less real. Maybe it’s because I spent the last 10 days with my baseline anxiety level raised higher than normal, I’m not sure, or maybe it’s just jetlag.

My whole body and soul just feel sad tonight.

The only good thing about my insomnia is when I get to hear my dad talk to the dog in the morning.

When I was younger I used to sit in class and “daydream” or “zone-out”....was I dissociating? Damn, the things you realize years later...

I’m feeling broken again. Not sure I ever felt fully glued together.

March to early June have been some of the hardest days of my life. Whilst I still have stuff to work on it's been concluded that the intense suicidal ideation I had been dealing with was a side effect of medications. It wasn't until after a certain event lead me back to the ER where the psychiatrist decided to admit me to change my medications under supervision. He was quite concerned I would "lose it" when the medications were decreased. But the opposite seemed to happen. I began to feel more level headed than I had in months and the suicidal ideation had disappeared. This isn't me saying medication is bad for people, it just doesn't work for me. But for some it can be essential in their wellbeing. I've been out of hospital now for about 11 days. I'm still being monitored by the psychiatrist and his team. But I finally can 'see the light' again. For the better part of three months I felt trapped in a cave and I'm now so grateful to have managed to come out the other end. I say thank you to my parents for never giving up on me despite becoming very difficult to reason with at times. And I also say thank you to the nurses and doctor for listening to me when I said I felt like medication wasn't working for me and possibly even harming me. Whilst I'll never get those months back and I'll have battle scars to last me a lifetime I'm grateful to be back to some almost sense of normalcy. It's all a bit of a blur and I just hope and am willing to work for a positive personal end to 2020.

I've had a few good days and I'm terrified at any moment it could go sideways.

Spent the majority of the last two weeks in hospital for my mental health and still feel like I don't have a clear answer as to what I'm dealing with. I felt like BPD was mentioned but never confirmed to me. I was only ever told depression and anxiety with some psychosocial something or another. But the after treatment they're giving me which is a referral to a DBT group makes me think they're leaning towards BPD. I have a meeting with the head psychiatrist on Thursday and let's just say I'm hoping for more answers.