The Lullaby Diaries

We are still in our twenties in our heads. Those young things on that table over there look impossibly young and glamorous.

Who were those people we briefly saw a glimpse of in the shop window as we walked past? Those exhausted looking ladies, slightly limping down the street taking up the whole sidewalk. Was that us?

We continue walking, laughing it all away. It can’t possibly be. Cause we are young and still fit into our size 8 wardrobes. We can dance till the music stops, and stay up to greet daylight.

We are still the same girls, giggling side by side over this and that.

When he looks at you with utter joy every time you walk through the door.

When you sing the same song for the fifty seventh time and it’s still just as entertaining. And your lego tower is as impressive every time, before it is torn down with a joyful shriek.

When every little rock thrown into the water by the white painted boats is watched with an equal curiosity, and you both are just as engaged in taking in the ripples created wondering where they will end.

When you get to walk in the sand again as if it was your first time, and remember the freedom it once represented. And are reminded how nature has that way of leaving you with memories of its existence, every time you find a grain of sand the following weeks in your shoe.

When you’re someone’s hero, unconditionally, and that’s all that matters.

It’s looking a little shinier now  as the days of my dark years  slowly dissolve into ashes  bit by bit.

Let whiter days gently emerge into an astounding triumph. The years of tears and mourning gradually dimming into a forgotten psalm. My skin still playing host to my faded lacrimosa. Gradually overshadowed by the sound of victorious trumpets.  

This torment shall be suffocated as I claw my way out of this darkened cave majestically arising like the perfect movie scene. Eternal light, shine on me. Trickled thoughts gathered by their throne an army arisen gleaming in their defeat of my persistent shadows.

Let the dark days tremble in fear as they await their eternal rest.

You know when you have those weeks where the days blur into one consolidated chaos, yet within this storm, every day presents a new small treasure. This was one of those weeks. Within my life as a photographer and magazine editor my to do list is pretty long and chaotic, and some weeks everything seem to happen at once. I am sure you recognise those moments where you try to elegantly juggle too many things at once, and your head is just about to become a giant piñata, bursting at the impact of a wooden stick. My only way to survive is to leave yesterday’s experiences in a memory box till I want to unwrap it again, and let tomorrow simply wait it’s turn. This way of thinking has enabled me to actually enjoy this joyful chaos and take in each experience more - to really allow myself to enjoy everything to the fullest. This is the secret to it all; to search for the treasures in the stories you live every day. 

To remind my tired body that this week was pretty damn amazing (cause it certainly doesn’t feel that way as I lie in bed cursing at my back and why my feet will no longer let me walk for hours through the parks of London), me and my brain spent some time together to remember all the treasures of the last five days. 

Treasure #1: Tarun

He put down his books for the day to exist in front of my camera. Two different worlds colliding in an elegant attempt to show the latest fashion in the most beautiful and stylish way. The day hosted by the tranquil surroundings of a nature reserve in the middle of north London. One of those hidden gems you walk past numerous times, before a gentle soul announces it exists. Those hidden gems that still enable you to love London, even on the days she is at her most cruel. Together we inhaled the semi-fresh air and rested in the shadows of the trees till the world called us back again. 

Treasure #2: Julian

You know those people who has that rare energy that immediately makes the world shine just a little bit brighter around you. Those people you'd drop anything to spend just another moment with, or invite for tea and biscuits on a rare day off. Julian, a ballet dancer, was just as sparkling as his agent promised - radiating a positivity that I tried to steal little glimmers of to fuel me up for the coming week. Paralysed, as I watched the perfect movements and lines created, a moment of transfixion meant nothing else mattered for a while. When art is created before you by an 18 year old Canadian boy, it imprints on you. Years of training by Russian ballet dancers, from generations going into the depths of Russian ballet history, little by little transformed into my world - mixing old traditions of the art with a young mind’s interpretation - wanting to create something new and lasting just for us and the Boys by Girls Magazine readers. Water splashing around us in all directions from his perfectly pointed feet. Garments dancing alongside the wind, as we feel the raindrops landing on our cheeks. Stories from his mother raining at me, as if from a perfect movie. I wanted to be in this story for a while, and Julian brought me further into his world, as we sat down on the perfectly white studio cave after Sophie put her camera down. 

Treasure #3: Fenn

There is this girl called Fenn. She is the tiniest thing. One should not underestimate tiny things. Underneath the seemingly fragile surface, there is a determined storm that will reach it’s destination no matter where its winds need to blow first.   

Determination. Passion. Skill. Hard work. I can relate. I’ve got your back girl. One day, you shall grace the television screens and all shall know your beautiful face and name. I’m sure of it. 

  Treasure #4: Ingmar

Ingmar grew up on a tiny island outside the Netherlands. Beautiful beaches, woods, kindhearted people - the world moves just a little slower where he is from. Not too dissimilar from my own childhood experience. We immediately had an unspoken understanding. 

That kind of beauty that makes everyone simply stop and take it in for a while. Simply mesmerising. He’s the kind of boy they should have actually cast as Dorian in Oscar Wilde’s masterpiece. Still embodying that youthful beauty and innocence. My turn to paint a modern portrait of that boy. I am the creator of beautiful things. There is hope. 

Treasure #5: Levi & Matthew

The boys who create stunning garments inspired by the simplicity of the white shirt. My favourite boys. Time and time again trusting me to point my camera at their creations, so that others can see their elegance - imagine the styles on themselves and how it would move as they walk down the street. My favourite designers.

This silence is so loud. Stop interupting my perfectly organised chaos of self-doubt and judgement.

or perhaps 

Let’s get to know each other.  Be my new bff share a glass of half priced white wine. My treat. 

You and me. We could co-exist. Lost together in a choreographed masterpiece.

We sat under the same tree where I usually go to be alone with my thoughts. Me, my thoughts and I; party in my head. Sometimes a wonderous haven of endless inner festivities and beautiful visions - other days a lonely house party that nobody turned up to, where I’m left to finish all the imaginary canapés in silence. This time we were alone together; me and this boy called Matt.

Matt Scszygielski, a wonderfully artistic and poetic young mind I found online. Such is the beauty of social media. There was something about his images and how he was able to beautifully express himself through his artistic self portraits. An ability to capture the male body so sensitively, as if each frame was a poem that needed expressing. This is what inspired me to photograph him, to finally be able to capture the male body with a sensitivity and poetry that felt natural to me. In the background; my own insecurities dancing like cats on drugs from the thought of capturing someone so bare - so honestly. A need to do us both justice and let this shared vision turn into beautiful imagery.

I envied him as he laid naked in the sun, carefully embraced by the long, wild grass. I envied his ability to love himself and his body, to fully express himself - and trusting me to capture it all. As a photographer, it’s those moments of intimidating challenges that helps you grow. This one felt triumphant. Fast forward six weeks, and we found ourselves under a different tree reflecting on our collaboration. Choosing visuals and artwork, and looking at how to present it to the world. Hoping that they will like what we created.  

We talked about freedom to express yourself and the importance of loving yourself and your own body. We talked about what his tattoos mean and if his mother approves of the choices he makes. How he created his ink paintings to sit alongside my photographs. Long conversations between strangers. It’s funny how you can find inspiration in new places if you simply take the time to listen to somebody. Time goes quickly under trees. 

I am a photographer.  I am an editor.

... sometimes I write stuff too. 

It’s not that I don’t have enough outlets to express myself, it’s more that my social media channels and website is dedicated to my photography - and my publication, Boys by Girls Magazine (although a wonderful outlet to passionately express myself) is linked to the overall vision of Boys by Girls; to explore the young contemporary male through the female lens. 

Recently I have been drawn to write words that are more for myself. A sort of selfish diary and way to help myself remember things. Sometimes it helps to put words out there into the universe, as a way of saying things out-loud to yourself and making them more real. Almost like a confirmation to yourself that things happened, and help you commit to the thoughts going through your mind. This happened. I had these thoughts. And because you’re making them available for the world to see, you have acknowledged and accepted them. It is also a way for me to take time to gain further perspective on what I am doing, and to allow myself to get inspired by all the things I experience. I think this blog should be all these things. My world is so full of wonderful experiences that are moving past so quickly, that I want to make them last longer by putting thoughts around them down. To be fair, my cat is bored of listening to my stories at the end of the day, so she’ll be pleased by my decision to write them down. It’s not really meant for you to read, but for me to slow down my thoughts, observe them, enjoy them and help me make sense of a very fast moving world.

But you are welcome to read my words. Who knows, sometimes we might share some thoughts on something, or you might see things from a different perspective than my images reveal. And at least me and my cat will be satisfied.