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Was nobody going to tell me that Twitches (2005) was based off a book or was I just supposed to find the first book myself?

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Elixir: AKA Hilary Duffās Self Insert YA Novel No One Remembers
In October of 2010, novel called Elixir dropped and made a lackluster splash. Despite some good reviews and making Number 10 on the NYT Childrenās Books (for a week), it never reached any fervor. Not like how some books do. Despite having Duffās name across the cover and MTV suggesting it be picked up for a movie adaptation, it was easily forgotten.Ā
(Credit to James Tullos of YT. Without him, I wouldnāt have heard of this book. His video is here.)
Clea Raymond is a talented photojournalist and the daughter of high-profile parents. Usually sheās in total control of her camera, but after Cleaās father disappears while on a humanitarian mission, eerie, shadowy images of a strange and handsome young man begin to appear in Cleaās photosāa man she has never seen in her life. When Clea suddenly encounters this man in person she is stunnedāand feels an immediate and powerful connection. As they grow closer, they are drawn deep into the mystery behind her fatherās disappearance and discover the centuries-old truth behind their intense bond. Torn by a dangerous love triangle and haunted by a powerful secret that holds their fate, together they race against time to unravel their past in order to save their futureāand their lives.
It was co-written with Elise Allen. Itās unclear how much was split between the two authors.
Sin 1: Clea is very obviously Duffās self insert.Ā
A bit of background on Hilary Duff! She began acting in 1993 and got very famous in the early 2000ā²s for Disneyās Lizzie McGuire. She was a teen idol from about 2001-2005 and has appeared in various movies since leaving Disney, the most recent being The Haunting of Sharon Tate (2019). She also had several well received musical albums, the last dropping in 2015.Ā
Now a little information on Clea.Ā
She is the daughter of an American senator and a heart surgeon but for some reason gets very recognized everywhere she goes. Itās very shown through the novel that sheās Kardashian level famous and canāt go anywhere in the world without being recognized.Ā
āAre you okay?ā he asked in a clipped British accent. āYou looked terribly upset when you left the dance floor.ā Ā āI did?ā I had a disturbing image of a juicy Page Six headline: Senator Victoria Westonās Daughter Loses It in Paris Nightclub. āDid people notice?ā
I am a Weston, and the main thing itās meant is a bunch of photographers chasing me from the minute I was born, writing about how I might affect Momās career, or whether Iād follow in the Weston footsteps one day to change the world. My family name meant that two months into seventh grade, a photo spread appeared in People magazine: āClea Raymondās Awkward Tween Years!ā It was filled with hideous pictures of me from camp the summer beforeāpictures I had no idea were even being snapped. There was one of me with sleep-knotted hair and thick glasses, another of me picking out a wedgie. Thereās nothing better for a twelve-year-oldās blooming self-esteem than images like that papered all over her school. They gave me a stomachache that lasted until high school.
Yeah uh.... Senator and Heart Surgeonās daughter...Ā
American Senators very rarely travel outside of the US. Theyāre not diplomats. And Heart Surgeons donāt either, unless its for a conference or for research purposes. As usual, correct me if Iām wrong! But neither job lends itself to a life of glamour. Theyāre hard work and the rewards arenāt always the best.Ā
Also, Iām pretty sure Senators are not allowed to use government money to send their kids on almost month long trips to Europe. There would be a lot of outraged citizens. And we never find out which party her mom belongs to, which Iām sure is on purpose but itās an annoying detail to me.Ā
And itās not even that she gets recognized in America - Americans, name me one Senatorās child without looking it up, I dare you - but also worldwide.
Rayna pulled out her phone. āHonestly, I donāt know how you survive without Google Alerts on yourself. The paparazzi were out in full force for Carnival.ā
As we maneuvered through the crowds, I noticed people looking at us. It was weird. Young, giggling fashionistas werenāt the type who usually recognized me, but today they did. Pairs and groups of Japanese girls did double takes as we passed them, their eyes going wide as they clutched one anotherās arms and waved their hands in front of their mouths, whispering and giggling. Some even snapped pictures with their wildly decorated cell phones. āHo-ly crap,ā Ben said, and I followed his open mouthed stare upward to the giant screen on the side of the Q-Front Building. It was airing some gossipy entertainment show ⦠featuring the pictures of Ben and me at Carnival. Right now the one of him staring at me while I shot pictures of the Samba Parade was up, and while I couldnāt read Japanese, it wasnāt hard to imagine what the swirly pink script accented with hearts and flowers implied.
An American Senatorās daughter in Japan or Brazil would not be recognized. I refuse to believe that. Especially not during Carnival. The biggest holiday in the city, when every celebrity in Brazil is there, when everything is one big party and no one gives a shit about anything. As for Japan, Iām pretty sure that wouldnāt happen either. But feel free to correct me if Iām wrong.Ā
Itās even to the point that she canāt get a job as photographer forĀ ālegitā publications.
Finally the responses poured in ⦠every single one a rejection. A hundred different versions of Thanks, but this is a serious publication. We donāt hire celebrity children for vanity projects.
If her parents actually were celebrities, this would make a lot more sense. But theyāre not. If they were like, Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis, actors who have been in Hollywood for nearly 30 years, that would make more sense. But theyāre not. They work jobs that donāt pay nearly as much as Duff and Allen are describing, and donāt have that level of fame. Unless Clea did something really scandalous (like say spend three weeks on holiday in Europe using government money), or her dad discovered a revolutionary, world changing medical treatment, or her mom exposed alien contact videos from the Pentagon, they wouldnāt have this much fame to the point that Clea canāt get a job because of her family name.Ā
She still gets the jobs, but under a pseudonym. Because of course she does.
Itās because of these glaring discrepancies that I think Clea is Duffās self insert, because she was at the peak of her fame around 17, the same age as Clea. If Clea had been a model or an actress, it would have been too obvious about the self insertion, but would have made more sense to the world obsessing over her. And if you had no idea who Hilary Duff was when reading this, then you might have just thought it was an attempt by the writer to live vicariously through the character. But the fact remains that things donāt quite add up in regards to Cleaās level of fame and her parents jobs and with Duffās background, the most reasonable conclusion is that Clea is Duffās self insert.Ā
This is, of course, speculation. Moving on!
Sin 2: Clea is Not Like Other Girls, but itās ok because her best friend is.
Clea has a major case of NLOG and her best friend Rayna is no exception. Rayna No Last Name has been Cleaās best friend literally since they were born. And if you only read the first book, you would think she was a shallow, boy obsessed, no depth to her, YA Best Friend.Ā
But I read all three (reviews to come) and know that she has hidden depths. But without True (the final novel), you wouldnāt know that because without her POV, and only Cleaās she comes off as a ditzy best friend that doesnāt impact the plot at all.
Thanks to my parents, Iāve been lucky enough to see some of the greatest actors of our time perform onstage. Rayna engaging in the art of seduction beat all of them, hands down.Ā
She came up for air with a smile that promised more, then leaned toward me and stage-whispered, āPierre and I are soulmates.ā I tried not to laugh. I would have if it was just a line, if she were just saying it to assure Pierre he wasnāt spending his drink money in vain. But I knew in this moment, Rayna absolutely meant it, as strongly as she had meant it when sheād said it about Alexei, Julien, Rick, Janko, Steve, and Avi ⦠all of whom she had fallen head over heels with in the past three weeks.
Personally, I never answer the phone if I donāt recognize the number. Rayna doesnāt feel the same way; she sees an unknown caller as a doorway to a possible romance. āHello?ā she answered seductively.
What is with YA Best Friends never having any plot impact? Theyāre always there just to be sounding boards for the main character and a leg of the love triangle if theyāre male.Ā
Sin 3: Telling, not showing.Ā
The entire first chapter is nothing but Info Dumping about Clea, her life, and how rich her family is. This is a common thing in a lot of YA books, but especially, how to put this... low brow ones?Ā
Donāt get your panties in a twist, lemme explain.Ā
Between 2008 and 2016 there was a massive YA boom thanks to Twilight and Hunger Games. Even before then, the genre had been slowly gaining traction in publishing thanks to Harry Potter. Twilight and Hunger Games then helped spawn two separate booms within the previously, somewhat niche, division of books.Ā
2012 saw 1,312 Young Adult novels, many the first in their series and quite a few of which were Dystopian thanks to the release of the first Hunger Games movie which had sparked renewed interest in the genre.Ā
2008 was the Urban Paranormal boom, thanks to to Twilight. When talking about Twilight Knock-Offs, itās easy to assume the books in question came out between 2008 and 2012, because during this time publishers wanted to not only keep up with the trend, but try to reinvent it. How many ways can we sell the story of a supernatural being attending high school, an ordinary teen girl, a second Love Interest, and some large threat?Ā
Because there was such a high demand for these books, preferably as part of a series, publishing houses werenāt always so concerned with quality. Quantity was most important. The more books, the more chances for a NYT chart topper. In 2010, just under 5,000 YA books came out. Between 2008 and 2012, the total comes out to around 13,000 books, with 2008 being the lowest year with only 197, and the highest being 2009 with 5,028. With a difference of 4,831 books between them and Twilight having sold a few million copies in the interim, is it any wonder than some books, especially the knock-offs, werenāt so great?
And with having a celebrityās name attached to the book, is it any wonder that a publishing house might have rushed it into publication and given it very little editing? So when the reader is presented with an info dump about Clea, her family, Rayna, and how Clea is very famous, the blame lies somewhere between the publishing house, Duff, and Duffās co-writer.Ā
But the info-dumping and the telling not showing continues through out the whole novel, with Clea telling us how much she misses her dad, how smart he was, how much she loves running around Europe on the governments dime, etc... Take, for instance, this part about how Cleaās dad found out who Shakespeareās Dark Lady and her connection to the Elixir.Ā
Ben joined me and read over my shoulder as we scanned the file. There was a ton of material, but the gist of it was that while Dad was researching the Elixir of Life, heād found an obscure reference book that tied the Elixir to Shakespeare. The book cited a lost play in Shakespeareās canon: Loveās Labourās Wonne. Only the title remained, and while many assumed from that title that the play was a sequel to Loveās Labourās Lost, Dadās reference book said it was actually a story about a pair of lovers brought together and then ripped apart because of the Elixir of Life. Furthermore, the book said the story was inspired by a lover of Shakespeareāsāthe Dark Lady.
From there, Dad did more research. He wanted to know who the Dark Lady was, to see if she might have some connection to the Elixir. Dad pored over volumes of analysis on the subject, as well as the sonnets themselves. After exhaustive study, he wound up rejecting all the mainstream theories about the Dark Ladyās identity. He believed the Dark Lady was a woman named Magda Alessandri, whom many thought to be a sorceress. Dad wondered if her reputation as a sorceress came from an entanglement with the Elixir of Life, and he tried to find out more about her. He even managed to track down her living descendants, and had been visiting and interviewing them during his trips to various GloboReach outposts around the world.
Thereās no dialogue and itās two large chunks of no action, just Info Dumping and telling us, not showing us. An Info Dump opening can be fine, but doing it through the whole book will only annoy the reader.Ā
(This isnāt particularly important but as a side note
Knowing there was a good chance weād be away from the house for a while, I grabbed a duffel bag and tossed some clothes inside. I also threw in some makeup. There was no reason I had to look like a fugitive just because Iād be acting like one.
She only flies first class and doesnāt even try to disguise herself. There are no fugitive-esque activities here.)
Sin 4: Lack of tension building.Ā
At no point in reading this is there true tension. Even during scenes where there should be tension is there. Clea is briefly kidnapped, attacked, and even shot, but there is never any tension to them. Sheās Duffās self insert and the main character, so you know sheāll be fine. There is also this...
āYour mom called this morning. Some big government figure is visiting from Israel, and your mom decided theyāll get the most accomplished over a giant impromptu Piri-catered lunch at the house.ā Amazing. Only my mom could manage a last-minute luncheon for a group of dignitaries whose schedules had probably been etched in stone for months. It was the kind of unheard-of thing she had become famous for during her time in Washington. āSo you mean ⦠,ā I started. But Rayna finished for me, laughing as she said, āThe Secret Service showed up at six this morning to go over the whole property with microscopes, and theyāre not leaving until the partyās over. If there were dangerous people anywhere near the house, theyāre either long gone or in federal custody.ā
Rayna was right. The Secret Service was all over the house. They knew Ben and Rayna, but āLarry Steczynskiā had to be properly vetted. If there was any doubt about the authenticity of his fake ID, it would now be put to the test. As Sage waited for the Secret Service to do their due diligence, I wondered how much our mission to find Dad would be set back by Sage taking a quick detour to federal prison. āHeās clear,ā the lead agent finally said. Great, we could go in.
Momās party wasnāt huge, but the simple force of all the personalities made it feel like the room was filled with people. As was often the case, Mom was the only woman at the party. Her guests included seven top members of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee, and a man Iām sure I should have recognized but didnāt, whom I imagined was the Israeli diplomat .... Everyone laughed harder, and Mom raised her shot glass in a toast to them all and downed her pĆ”linka, the Hungarian brandy Piri had brought out for the occasion.Ā Mom took a bow as everyone applauded, and collapsed dramatically into her seat. Then she saw me. āClea!ā she cried. āCome here!ā I grinned and ran to her, and she wrapped me in a fierce hug. āIāve missed you, baby!ā She pulled away and spun me around to face the group, her hands on my shoulders. āEveryone, Iām sure you remember my incredibly accomplished daughter, Clea, who weāll all be working for one day. Clea, you know the senators, and this is Imi Sanders, Israeli minister of foreign affairs.ā āPleased to meet you,ā I said, shaking the ministerās hand. āThe pleasure is mine, ā he replied.
I highly doubt an Israeli prime minister on 2010 would shake the hand of an American senatorās daughter while she is wearing, in her own words,Ā āa little black sundressā. Nor would he be downing shots with said senator. And it only gets worse.
āThis is Larry Steczynski! You can call him Sage. Heās my new boyfriend!ā Rayna suddenly chirped, threading her arm through Sageās and giving him a squeeze. To his credit, Sage looked only slightly surprised. āReally!ā Mom said meaningfully. āThen we should talk.ā She turned to the group and asked, āGentlemen?ā Without hesitation, all the senators and the Israeli minister agreed that the next topic of their agenda should clearly be a debate of Sageās merits and pitfalls as a partner to Rayna. As Mom took Sage and Raynaās hands and led them to the couch, two senators gladly moved aside to give them space. Sage shot me a look so plaintive I almost laughed out loud.
This should have been a moment of ultra high tension. They should have been freaking out about the Secret Service being at the house, at foreign dignitaries visiting and how hard it would be to get in and out like they wanted. There should have been moments of the SSA guy asking Sage questions about things like when his ID was issued, where he lived, what he did for a living, why he was with the underage Senatorās daughter. They could have patted him down, found something a little suspicious, like one of those little bottles of alcohol that they serve on planes and tested it.Ā
A pitfall of this novel is that the writers donāt take advantage of the very open door of political tension they could have. In 2010, American-Israeli relations were Not Good. They would not be doing shots at a senatorās house. Because of this tension, Clea and the gang running in could have upset the delicate balance her mom was making. They could have had Cleaās mom excuse herself from a clearly tense lunch, scold Clea for interrupting such an important event that she had tried to contact her about, and told her to go get dressed in a formal but simple outfit, emphasizing that she is trying to make the Israeli ambassador comfortable so she needs to make sure sheās wearing a suit and that her shirt covers her chest and neck, and that her makeup is not very heavy.Ā
And while Clea was in the lunch, showing the ambassador and other dignitaries that she is accomplished in her own right and that she is a credit to her parents and talking about the upcoming political happenings, we could cut to a Rayna POV where she is helping find things and using her knowledge of Grant and Clea to find the little hideyholes that Ben and Sage could not.Ā
When Clea gets shot at the very end of the novel, she is shot in her thigh. Quick anatomy lesson: the femoral artery is in the thigh. If the femoral artery is pierced, you can bleed to death in as little as five minutes. The wound is described asĀ āgushing bloodā and while gun shot wounds do bleed excessively, there is no way to tell if an artery or organ has been struck until either an autopsy or a scan has been completed. But even if you donāt know this, thereās no tension to questioning if Clea will survive or if she will possibly be disabled. As both the self insert and the main character, she will be fine and there will be no consequences to her actions, even though, at this time, she, a United States Senatorās daughter, was just shot while in Japan. There will be no repercussions for that to either her motherās career or her own personal freedom of movement in foreign countries even though this absolutely should have irrevocably damaged both. When your main character is SHOT, your reader should be terrified, not thinking āeh, sheāll be fineā.Ā
Sin 5: Poor mythology building.Ā
Cleaās Love Interest is Sage, the man from the photographs. Pretty quickly we find out that Sage is immortal because he drank like, a gallon of the Elixir of Life way back during Shakespeare times and now heās immortal.Ā
Except itās not quite the Elixir of Life.Ā
In mythology, the Elixir of Life is described as either stemming from the Philosopherās Stone, being an alchemical creation, or a magic potion that requires very specific ingredients and preparation. This means that it is not a natural resource.Ā
According to this, it actually just comes from a random hole in the ground somewhere in Probably Egypt which would fall more in line with it being the Fountain of Youth. Except the Fountain of Youth only restores ones youth and cures all illnesses. Itās not a one and done knock-a-shot-back immortality daiquiri.Ā
One person they go to see about it is Magda Alessandri, Shakespeareās Raven Lady, apparently named for her dark hair. (And in the far distance youāll hear the rumble of dozens of Shakespearean scholars arguing about whether she just had black hair or was of African descent because believe it or not, there were Black people in England back then!) Magda is basically a walking skeleton because her mother was a powerful mystic who sealed her life force in a charm. So long as the charm is intact, Magda will live. But her mom forgot to give her eternal youth to go with it and now Magda is The Mummy. And she lives in a small apartment in a Japanese mall for some reason.
The fact that mystics or witches or magical people in general exist is never brought up again. The fact that reincarnation exists is only important because Clea and Ben can reincarnate but we have no idea if anyone else can. For comparison, in the novel Fallen by Lauren Kate, the mythology states that so long as one is baptized, you can reincarnate. The fact that the main character isnāt baptized becomes important.Ā Clea and Ben never drank any of the elixir and thereās no real explanation about why they reincarnate. The āmagic systemā of this novel is just mythological spaghetti on a wall with no rhyme or reason.Ā
(This isnāt magic system related but in the beginning of the novel when sheās trying to go to Rio, Clea makes a big deal about getting a notarized letter from her mom so she can travel overseas by herself and then it just never comes up again even when sheās flying to Japan.)
Sin 6: Clea is dumber than a box of rocks and is totally willing to jump into bed with Sage only A DAY after being convinced that he was going to murder her.Ā
Of course the eye was blank. It belonged to Olivia, and she was dead. She was lying on her side, the back of her skull crushed in, and her mouth fixed open in a final scream of terror. Blood pooled all around her; the iris charm she wore was fixed to the floor in a cake of red. The whole canvas drowned in a sea of blood, and while Oliviaās body was the focus, it was only the centerpiece of an abattoir of carnage. Other bodies lay behind Oliviaās, men and women twisted in poses of horror, swords and daggers impaling them to the floor. Images from my nightmares flashed through my mind, and I winced away from them. Iād lived this scene. Oh my God, was I looking at a painting of my own death? .... Quickly I flipped through the other canvases: more of the same. Deliaās death pose was pristinely clean, with only a single gaping bullet hole between her eyes. Catherineās was terrible; she writhed and screamed as a bonfire of flames engulfed her waiflike body, tied securely to a stake. The voices were coming closer. I had to get out of here. Then I noticed something on the wall. A line of nails. Four of them, each with a delicate iris-charm necklace hanging off it. And a fifth nail. Empty. Waiting. .... Somehow I managed to keep hold of my sanity for the next fifteen minutes. Sage finished making sandwiches, double-checked to make sure he had all Larry Steczynskiās necessary documents, and put together a small duffel bag of clothes. Every time he looked my way, I couldnāt help but feel that he knew exactly what Iād seen and done. He didnāt like it, and heād find a way to make me pay.
And then, NOT EVEN A FULL DAY LATER, and after chatting a little with Rayna about how heās too hot to be a serial killer, they bang in a car. But before she does that, she does this.
I loved Ben, thatās what I felt. It popped into my head, and I didnāt doubt it for a second. I loved Ben. Well that was settled then, wasnāt it?
Ten minutes later
I closed the distance between us and kissed him. I felt dizzy and hot and floaty, like every clichĆ© ⦠but it was true. I couldnāt feel my feet. I finally felt like I was where my soul belonged. .... Sage didnāt seem to mind. He reached down and moved his seat back to its maximum leg room, then held out his hand. I grabbed it and clambered over the center console, clumsily ducking and folding myself until I finally settled onto his lap, straddling his legs. It was the least coordinated act of seduction ever. .... He kissed me, sliding his hands up the back of my shirt. It felt incredible. Without breaking away from his lips, I reached underneath his tee and felt his bare, sleek chest. My breath came faster, caught up in the frenzy of finally letting go and doing what Iād been dying to do from the second Iād seen Sage on the beach. āWait,ā he said. He reached down and pulled a lever. I let out a little scream as his seat back dropped all the way and I fell on top of him. I loved the feel of his body under mine. I didnāt want a single part of us not touching.
This guy also has condoms in his pocket because heĀ āhad a feelingā. The Insta Love is strong with these two.Ā
Sin 6: Itās boring.Ā
This bit is a personal opinion but Bossās sake this book is BORING. Info Dump after Info Dump, bad mythology, low tension, and one dimensional characters. And the thing is, this book could have been awesome. The premise of a young woman finding a man in photographs in places he could not have been, spanning her whole life, and trying to find who he could be, if heās a danger to her, could have been amazing. Thereās a scene where Clea and Ben were looking over some of her dadās notes about the man in the pictures and they find a picture of an angel with a baby and a sticky note that says Clea? implying that he thinks the man might be a guardian angel. That could have been amazing if thatās what Sage was. You could even keep the reincarnation angle with Sage being a guardian angel following Clea through her various lifetimes and falling in love with her but failing in his duty to protect her.Ā
Toss the Elixir that isnāt an Elixir and if she absolutely has to be famous, change up Cleaās parents careers and have Clea grow up as the child of a famous actor and supermodel/singer/actress or whatever. Just make it make sense, especially if youāre not going to take advantage of the political tension angle. And if Grant was an actor, he could still travel and do charity work, just with a bigger budget. Ashton Kutcherās done it!
Conclusion.
*sigh* Elixir is a boring, nonsensical, and tension-less novel that could have been great. Thus, the Library of Hell orders these punishments. For Duff and Allen for writing this, they are condemned to only ever take room temperature showers again, no matter where they are. Clea, for being so dumb and one-dimensional, her camera lenses will always have a smudge on them. Sage for being creepy and a terrible love interest who has PORTRAITS OF HOW HIS PAST LOVERS DIED, he will forever stub his pinky toe on every piece of furniture and wall he has. So let it be recorded. Todayās story time has concluded.
I have named my FBI agent Fred.
A Hanukkah lesson from Dr. Barty!
What happened in Puerto Rico
I wanna know what happened in Puerto Rico
Itās too late for me to remember where I put the receipts for this, but IIRC more experiments + forced hysterectomies on women.
^^^ yeapā¦Ā
keep in mind Tuskegee happened at a HBCU and lasted 40 years (originally only planned to last 3 months) and the US knew of a ācureā penicillin.Ā
In Puerto Rico: oral birth control pills trials (with not full disclosure given to participants and some deaths during trials) more at PBS āThe Puerto Rican Pill Trialsā this also happened in Haiti.Ā
My testimonio re: not celebrating the pill here. (tw: white folks donāt like my pov just see comments and this article was posted on other sites where white folks didnāt dig it either).
forced sterilization of PR women (we still have the highest rates of sterilization, read more about the 3 generations of sterilization (non-consensual and consensual) in her book, Matters of Choice, Iris Rodriguez who does qualitative work interviewing women in families, she also coined the phrase āagency within constraintsā in her texts about this topic. this has happened with various women of color and women with disabilities throughout US history and currently.Ā
They experimented on Puerto Ricans in the Rockefeller center for years as well, illegally.
And yeah, the medical abuse of white supremacy extends much further than most realize. Itās as big of a industrial complex as the military or the prison system.
Hell they made penicillin by stealing a black womanās DNA, a black woman who they never compensated and let die off after they stole the DNA.
Because white people donāt like to reblog the truth
Just a quick history lesson. Cause I know the other social media sites are probably full of it but thereās a reason why Black folks dont trust us medicine.

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Free to watch ⢠No registration required ⢠HD streaming
Evermore: Twilight, But Badly Written
Say what you want about Twilight, but it was competently written with an understandable - if racist - mythos. More competently than this at least. Side note: donate to the Quileute if you can!
Full roast below the cut and itās even longer than RoseBlood!
After a horrible accident claims the lives of her family, sixteen-year-old Ever Bloom can see people's auras, hear their thoughts, and know someone's entire life story by touching them. Going out of her way to avoid human contact to suppress her abilities, she has been branded a freak at her new high schoolābut everything changes when she meets Damen Auguste. Damen is gorgeous, exotic and wealthy. He's the only one who can silence the noise and random energy in her headāwielding a magic so intense, it's as though he can peer straight into her soul. As Ever is drawn deeper into his enticing world of secrets and mystery, she's left with more questions than answers. And she has no idea just who he really isāor what he is. The only thing she knows to be true is that she's falling deeply and helplessly in love with him.
Evermore is a product of the post Twilight supernatural book boom in 2009. Written by Alyson Noël, it is book one of The Immortals series, a series of six books and one spin-off series.
I will not be reading all of them. Not unless Iām paid.
Sin 1: The Main Character. Ever Bloom - do all YA Female protagonists have gag worthy names? - is just so exhausting. Her powers (which we will talk about) make no sense, sheās a brat, and sheās so judgmental of everyone, even herĀ āfriendsā.Ā
In my old life, I didnāt hang out with people like Miles and Haven. I wasnāt connected with the troubled kids, or the weird kids, or the kids everyone picked on. I was part of the popular crowd, where most of us were cute, athletic, talented, smart, wealthy, or all of the above.Ā
And even though I was never mean to anyone who wasnāt part of our group, itās not like I really noticed them either. Those kids just didnāt have anything to do with me. So I acted like they were invisible. But now, Iām one of the unseen too.
So on my first day at Bay View; instead of wasting time with the usual hazing rituals of the Stacia and Honor crowd, I headed straight for Miles and Haven, the two outcasts who accepted my friendship with no questions asked.
I slide onto the bench beside Miles who's far too busy texting to even notice my existence, and I can't help but wonder if I should try to find some new friendsānot that anyone would have me.
Translation: ugh, my life was SO perfect before but now Iām a looooooser but itās totally by choice!
She claims that she enjoys their friendship and that she wouldnāt know what to do without them but like all the other YA girls before her, as soon as Love Interest comes along, her friends are dropped unless itās plot relevant. Thatās just how she behaves to her friends.
Ever also seems to forget that sheās supposed to be grieving unless it advances the plot. She left the hospital without any grief counseling - which Iām pretty sure wouldnāt be allowed for a minor - and has refused to see a therapist since. The only time she actually has any moment of it hitting her, itās used to start a confrontation with a cardboard cut out mean girl that is there solely to be bitchy to Ever.
Usually, I try not to dwell on my old life. I try not to think about my old house, my old friends, my old family, my old self. And even though Iāve gotten pretty good at heading off the storm, recognizing the signsāthe stinging eyes, the shortness of breath, the overwhelming feeling of hollowness and despairābefore they can take hold, sometimes it just hits, without warning, without time to prepare. And all I can do when when that happens is curl up in a ball and wait for it to pass... which is pretty hard to do in the middle of history class. .... I bolt from my seat and race for the door.... I turn the corner, blinded by tears, gasping for air, my insides feeling empty, cleaned out, a hollow shell folding in on itself. And by the time I see Stacia itās way too late, and I knock into her with such speed and force she crashes to the ground and rips a hole in her dress. ..... [Confrontation between Stacia and Ever which is just Ever reciting everything bad Stacia has ever done in order to tell the reader just how terrible of a person she is.] ..... And yet, there she is, standing before me, eyes wide, lips trembling, stunned to have all of her dirty little secrets revealed. And instead of feeling bad or guilty for exposing her, for using my gift in this way, seeing this despicable person, this awful selfish bully whoās taunted me since my very first day, reduced to a sweaty, shaky mess, is more gratifying than I ever wouldāve imagined. And with my nausea and grief now merely a memory, I figure, what the heck, I may as well continue.Ā
This is really the only time Ever has a display of grief. But itās poorly conveyed. Thereās no real heart behind it, no description of how the emptiness feels. Is she exhausted by her grief? Is she scared of it? How long does it take her to recover from these moments?Ā
The thing about Ever is that there is no heart to her. Not just in her actions - ignoring her friends, being mean to her (dead) sister, ignoring her aunt, etc - but in how sheās written. Ever is the same from the start of the book to the end. Even when she is offered help by another psychic, Ever chooses instead to wallow in her problems and never grow.
Sin 2: The Love Interest.
Dame Auguste is Edward Cullen dialed up to 10. In a very short amount of time, he convinces Ever to do things like, illegally gamble at a horse race, skip school multiple times, drink, and generally be a terrible person to her friends and Aunt.Ā
āBut donāt you have to be twenty-one?ā āEighteen,ā he mumbles, going inside and pressing five. āExactly, Iām sixteen and a half.ā ....... He tosses me the racing form and I look it over, surprised to find three distinct names jump out at me, in a one-two-three order. "How about Spanish Fly to win, Acapulco Lucy second, and Son of Buddha third?" I say, having no idea how I got there, but feeling pretty confident in my picks. ...... "Well, now I get why you're not all that into school. I guess it can't really compete, can it?" I laugh, still feeling high from my winnings, thinking I've finally found a profitable outlet for my psychic gift.
Iāve never been to a race track in my life but Iām willing to bet you guys the bossās throne that they CHECK IDs.Ā
The next day he convinces her to skip school and go driving up to a beach where they nearly have sex. Only they stop because Ever is Not That Kind of Girl and he tells her to sleep instead. When she wakes up, heās left a note that says heās gone surfing but Ever canāt find him on the beach. So she goes home. Damen eventually turns up and GASLIGHTS HER TO THE MAX.
I look at him, my eyes narrowed, my lips pressed together. I can't believe he actually expects me to believe that. "Sorry, but I looked, and there were only two surfers out there. Two blond surfers, which pretty much rules out either one of them being you." "Ever, would you look at me," he says. "Really look at me. How do you think I got this way?" So I do, I lower my glare to take it all in. Noticing his wet suit that's dripping salt water all over the floor. "But I checked. I ran up and down the beach, I looked everywhere," I say, convinced of what I saw, or in this case, didn't see. But he just shrugs. "Ever, I don't know what to tell you, but I didn't abandon you. I was surfing. Really. Now, can you please get me a towel, and maybe another for the floor?"
The next couple of hours are a blur of classes and confusion, and it's not until I get to the lunch table that I learn the truth about yesterday. "I can't believe you guys went in the water," Miles says, stirring his yoghurt and looking at me. "Do you have any idea how cold it is?" "She wore a wet suit." Damen shrugs. "In fact, you left it at my house." I unwrap my sandwich, not remembering any of it. I don't even own a wet suit. Do I? "Um, wasn't that Friday?" I ask, blushing when all the events of that day come rushing back to me. Damen shakes his head. "You didn't surf on Friday, I did. Sunday was when I gave you a lesson." ..... "Is this really all yours?" I ask, running my hand over a plush chenille sofa as my eyes tour exquisite lamps, Persian rugs, a collection of abstract oil paintings, and the dark wood coffee table covered in art books, candles, and a framed photo of me. "When'd you take this?" I lift it off the table and study it closely, having absolutely no memory of the moment. "You act like you've never been here before," he says, motioning for me to sit. "I haven't." I shrug. "You have," he insists. "Last Sunday? After the beach? I've even got your wet suit hanging upstairs. Now sit." He pats the sofa cushion "I want to see you resting."
Even Edward Cullen wasnāt this bad. I cannot believe the bar has been lowered even FURTHER. If it gets much lower, Iāll knock my horns on it.Ā
Thereās more but weād be here for most of the book.
Sin 3: Damen and Everās relationship.
Kids - sinners? Library patrons? Visitors? What do I call you? Leave a suggestion in the comments. - we found a relationship worse than Edward and Bella! And Boss save me from their mutual toxicity.Ā
Even though Damen is a gaslighting manipulator, Ever is NOT innocent in this.Ā
Because she knows nothing about him, and has never been to his house, she decides to break in. She gets directions from Riley - who followed him for because she was curious - and heads over to his house. She uses her powers to get in because Damen lives in a gated community, and has a moment of self reflection only to completely miss the fucking mark.Ā
I stop at the end of his block, kill the engine, and realize Iāve lost all my nerve. I mean, what kind of psycho girlfriend am I? Who in their right mind would enlist their dead little sister to help spy on their boyfriend? But then again, itās not like anything in my life is remotely normal, so why should my relationships be any different?
Because what are healthy boundaries?Ā
She also discovers on this trip that Damen is immortal, but she thinks heās a vampire. Damen has a habit of carrying a bottle full of dark red liquid around and drinking from it. He also has a room full of things from various centuries, all of which feature him in some way.Ā
A quick list of things he has: A portrait of himself by Pablo Pcasso, circa 1902 A portrait of himself by Vincent Van Gogh A book addressed to him, signed by William Shakespeare A book addressed to him, signed by Emily Bronte
And many many more.
Sin 4: Everās powers.
They are absolutely ridiculous. Theyāre a Deus Ex Machina of the highest order. Because Ever does not just read auras. She can also memorize any book by placing her hand on it, immediately know the answers to her pop quizzes and tests by placing her hand on the paper, and know everything about a person just by touching them.Ā
Ever since I became psychic, Iām no longer required to study. Iām not ever required to read. All I have to do is place my hands on a book, and the story appears in my head. And as far as tests go? Well, letās just say thereās no moreĀ āpopā in the quiz. I just brush my fingers over the questions and the answers are instantly revealed.Ā
I also know her dad isnāt really away onĀ ābusinessā like he said, her momās personal trainer is way moreĀ āpersonaā thanĀ ātrainerā and her little brother broke her Evanescence CD but heās too afraid to tell her.
But how can I date when touch feels so overbearing? How can I be in a relationship when Iāll always know what my partner is thinking? Never getting the chance to obsess, dissect, and guess at the secret meaning of everything he says and does?
She can also just... make herself immortal. Through the power of love. Iām not kidding. She also killed off the antagonist who was arguably the best character in this book by punching her in the love chakra.Ā
āI hardly touched her,āI say, remembering how my fist met her chest but just barely. āThe fourth chakra was your target. And you hit the bullseye.āĀ āHuh?ā āThe body has seven chakras. The fourth chakra, or the heart chakra as itās sometimes called, is the center of unconditional love, compassion, the higher self, all of the things Drina was lacking. And that left her defenseless, weakened. Ever, her lack of love is what killed her.ā
And none of that is ever explained. The chakras had no build up, Everās powers were whatever the plot needed at the moment, and Ever becomes Immortal because she loves oh so much.Ā
Sin 5: This book is too long.Ā
Ok, the page count is only 320. RoseBlood was 488. Twilight was 498.Ā
But everything is so dull and Ever is such an awful protagonist that being stuck in her head is mind numbing! Her powers are poorly explained DEMs, Damen is a gaslighting manipulator, her friends have no personality beyondĀ āGayā (Miles) andĀ āAttention Seekingā (Haven).Ā
Oh yeah, her friends.Ā
Sin 6: Haven and Miles.
I guess some credit for having an openly gay character in 2008 but thatās literally all he is. He is the stereotypical gay best friend who spends all his time on his phone, has a bad relationship with his dad, and has a new boyfriend every chapter.Ā
Thereās also no physical description of him so.... Imagine literally any gay male character from whatever TV show or movie you like.Ā
Haven plays somewhat of a role in the book as Antagonist Drina uses her to get close to Damen and Ever in order to kill Ever. But we never see any reason why Haven, Miles, and Ever are friends. All they do is fight, Ever never pays attention to anything they say, and Miles is always on his phone.Ā
Sin 7: Drina is too involved.Ā
Ok, Iām a slut for villains that pull threads. I love me some juicyĀ āI caused the death of your loved onesā and some deliciousĀ āI lead you hereā stuff. But only if itās good and plausible by world building standards.Ā
Drina is Damenās not really ex wife back from when they were in Italy like six hundred years ago. They never actually got divorced and Damen ran off with Everās first incarnation - Ever is reincarnated - which lead Drina to just follow them around trying to permanently kill Ever and win Damen back.Ā
Damen knows this and for some reason still hangs out with her to the point of GETTING DINNER WITH HER but thatās not the point here.Ā
Everās family died in a car crash when her dad swerved to avoid hitting a deer and the car went into a ravine. This happened because Ever asked them to turn around and go back to the lake they had spent the day at in order to retrieve her irreplaceable powder blue cheer camp sweatshirt.Ā
ā...just when I was sure you were dead, the next thing I know, Damenās moved to California because, surprise, he brought you back!ā Iām still deciphering her words - Drina caused the accident? āYes I caused the accident. Why must everything be so spelled out for you?ā She shakes her head.Ā āIt was I who spooked the deer that ran in front of your car. It was I who knew your father was a sappy, kindhearted fool who whoād gladly risk his familyās life to save a deer.ā
If Drina knew all the these things, including where Ever lived, why didnāt she just kill Ever herself? She clearly has no qualms with it because she tries to a minute later.Ā
Iād believe it more if it had been another car and Drina had caused a crash like that. Or if Drina had tried to run Ever over. But this? No. I refuse. Too much detail and too last minute Gotcha! vibes to be believable.Ā
Verdict
Evermore is an overstuffed, under explained dumpster fire with a protagonist that is unbearable to say the least. Thus, this librarian orders the following punishments.
For Ever, an arguably worse protagonist than Rune Germain and Bella Swan combined, she is condemned to... go to grief counseling, be stripped of her immortality, spend time with her aunt, and learn how to deal with her powers.Ā Damen is condemned to lose all of his signed books and portraits from the masters.Ā Drina, Miles, and Haven are all condemned to only listen to Video Killed The Radio Star by The Buggles for all eternity. And Alyson Noel is condemned to have a college professor nitpick the grammar of all future writing projects.Ā
So let it be recorded. Todayās story time has concluded.Ā
PretentiousĀ and Cringy: RoseBlood
For our very first condemnation to this library, we are given RoseBlood by A.G. Howard. Follow the read more for a full count of its sins and stupidity. Warning: it gets long.
This doesnāt count as a sin but great Satan the damn description is way too long! This was likely not the authorās choice though which is why it gets a pass.
This YA novel from New York Times bestselling author A. G. Howard marks the beginning of a new era for fans of the Splintered series. Rune Germain moves to a boarding school outside of Paris, only to discover that at this opera-house-turned-music-conservatory, phantoms really do exist. RoseBlood is a Phantom of the Operaāinspired retelling in which Runeās biggest talentāher voiceāis also her biggest curse. Fans of Daughter of Smoke and Bone and the Splintered series will find themselves captivated by this pulse-pounding spin on a classic tale. Rune, whose voice has been compared to that of an angel, has a mysterious affliction linked to her talent that leaves her sick and drained at the end of every performance. Convinced creative direction will cure her, her mother ships her off to a French boarding school for the arts, rumored to have a haunted past. Shortly after arriving at RoseBlood conservatory, Rune starts to believe something otherworldly is indeed afoot. The mystery boy sheās seen frequenting the graveyard beside the opera house doesnāt have any classes at the school, and vanishes almost as quickly as he appears. When Rune begins to develop a secret friendship with the elusive Thorn, who dresses in clothing straight out of the 19th century, she realizes that in his presence she feels cured. Thorn may be falling for Rune, but the phantom haunting RoseBlood wants her for a very specific and dangerous purpose. As their love continues to grow, Thorn is faced with an impossible choice: lead Rune to her destruction, or save her and face the wrath of the phantom, the only father heās ever known.
That first paragraph would have sufficed for description and given the reader some mystery. The second could have stayed but itās on thin ice. And we donāt have ice in hell.Ā
To summarize the story: Rune Germain is a 16-17 year old girl from Pleasant, Texas who is, in her own wordsĀ āpossessed by musicā. Thanks to a rich aunt and some nepotism, she gets the chance to go to RoseBlood, a conservatory in Paris that is a refurbished opera house that, according to Runeās online research, is the place where Gaston Lerouxās Phantom Of The Opera story really took place. Upon arrival, Rune is immediately overtaken by music and makes an enemy in Katrina Nilsson by interrupting Katās audition for Renata in the schoolās opera. She also makes friends with a few other students who really have no bearing on either the plot or Runeās adventures. She eventually finds her Love Interest Thorn - real name Etalon, stalking her as she goes about her day to day life, and immediately falls in love with him because they are Twin Flame and Destined by Destiny. It is soon enough revealed that Rune, Thornalon, and Erik are all psychic vampires that must feed off humans to survive. It is also soon revealed that Rune and Thornalon are Christina Nilssonās soul reincarnated and split and that RuneĀ āhas Christineās voiceā. It also turns out that Christina and Erik got married and tried to have a child who was born premature and died. Erik was driven mad(der) by the childās death and somehow, in the 1900ā²s, managed to build a contraption that kept the baby āaliveā until he could track down Christineās soul and reunite the pieces and transfer it to the baby... Needless to say, he failed, Rune and Thornalon live happily ever after, and Rune suffers no consequences from any of her terrible actions through the whole novel.
Sin count time!
Sin 1: The school name! RoseBlood.Ā What does it have to do with anything? There are bleeding roses later in the story but why would a school name itself RoseBlood? This choice is never explained. It has no French basis, no connection to the opera-house turned school, and no connection to Gaston Lerouxās original Phantom Of The Opera.
Sin 2: Overwrought descriptions right out of the gate.
At home, I have a poster on my wall of a rose thatās bleeding. Its petals are white, and red liquid oozes from its heart, thick and glistening warm.Ā
Mom looks out her window where the wet trees have thickened to multicolored knots, like an afghan gilded with glitter.
I trace the window now curtained by mud, imagining the glass cracking and bursting; imagining myself sprouting wings to fly away through the openingāback to America and my two friends who were tolerant of my strange quirks.
These are all from chapter one. It only gets worse as you go.
Sin 3: Racism. Main character Rune Germain regularly describes herself as aĀ āgypsyā. According to her, on her fatherās side, sheās a g*psy. Moving through this review, I will be censoring the word. Iām a demon of hell, not a piece of shit. Rune never says Roma or Romani in the entire book. Thereās no references to Romani culture, nothing about the problems Romani people face in the modern day, nothing. Rune is also as white as a piece of paper. You can see it on the cover
And in how she describes herself.
People say we could pass for sisters. We share her ivory complexion, the tiny freckles spattered across the bridge of her nose, the wide green eyes inside a framework of thick lashes, and her hairāblack as a ravenās wings.
If you look up pictures of Romani people, you see that theyāre far from ivory skinned.Ā
Itās not only Rune. Her Aunt Charlotte does it too. TheĀ āPhantomā does it. And Roma culture is treated very poorly throughout the novel. Rune several times refers to her āg*psy bloodā asĀ ācursedā orĀ āterribleā. One example:
Nausea sweeps through me at the thought. After our encounter, I realized why I was enchanted by the spiderās feeding rituals, that there was something in my g*psy bloodāsomething tainted and wrong.
In this modern day and age, canāt humans stop demonizing and stereotyping an entire culture? Or usingĀ āhalf-g*psyā lineage to make charactersĀ āexoticā orĀ āmysticā? No? Fine, Iāll see you down here eventually.Ā
Sin 4: The Love Interestās backstory..... TRIGGER WARNING FOR FURTHER DISCUSSION OF RAPE, CHILD TRAFFICKING, AND REFERENCED CHILD SEXUAL ASSAULT.
Runeās Love Interest is named Etalon. His mother was sexually assaulted by a psychic vampire who is apparently from Canada - I have no idea why Howard felt the need to include that - and it ruined her life to the point where she was forced to turn to prostitution to feed herself and Etalon. A man kept trying to ābuyā Etalon from her because he was beautiful. She kept refusing, and eventually, she was murdered. Etalon was quickly snatched up into child trafficking where, at one point, he was forced to drink lye water to damage his vocal cords because he wouldnāt stop singing. He eventually escaped when Erik found him and took him in, renaming him Thorn.Ā
Love Interests with tragic backstories are a staple of the YA genre. It makes them mysterious and interesting. It often drives the main characterās interest in the aloof and unusual bad boy. Quite often, these backstories involve dead or missing parents, being turned into a vampire or werewolf, or some combination of all of these things. Itās very rare that it gets so real. Child trafficking is a very real and prevalent issue in the world and it needs attention brought to it. But not like this. Using it as a characterās backstory is something that takes a level of skill Howard simply does not have. It needs to be written with respect to victims who might read it and not just be used to give characters a compelling but otherwise unused backstory. Thornalon never displays any indicators that the time spent in this situation traumatized him. Thereās no signs of PTSD or other mental health issues that might arise from what he went through. Thereās also no signs that Howard donated any money from book sales to charities like Child Fund, Save The Children, or ECPAT-USA. This is a very serious topic that NEEDS more attention brought to it and Howard glossed over it like it was nothing.Ā
Sin 5: Underutilized setting.Ā Rune comes from Pleasant, Texas and moves to Paris, France. But thereās no sense of wonder from her. She never talks about how beautiful the city is or learning French. Supposedly, the school only admits American students.
āHow many foreign boarding schools offer admittance only to American kids? This is a rare opportunity . . . a taste of French culture in a setting that feels like home.ā
Oooor the author couldnāt be bothered to deal with French translations or expanding the student body to include a diversity? Thereās no French culture anywhere in this book. Any time Rune goes into Paris, itās skipped over. Thereās nothing about it that says Paris. It could have been set in New Jersey and it wouldnāt have made much of a difference.Ā
Sin 6: Each chapter begins with a quote from a different author and work. Including, weirdly enough, Karl Marx... Beginning a chapter with a quote is fine, but it should be consistent. Picking a single work or author to use helps to reader see a consistency in the theme of the book. Since this is a Phantom of The Opera based story, it would make sense to use quotes from the book. Instead, the author uses a different work for each chapter, and itās honestly just annoying.Ā
Sin 7: All promise, no pay off. This book has a promise of action and mystery. Itās got a fabulous premise and a setting that could be beautifully used if in the hands of the right author. But it misses the mark on good characters, action, and keeping a consistent pace.Ā
Punishments: For being tone-deaf and generally bad at writing, author A.G. Howard is condemned to have the dead tree in her backyard become home to her stateās buzzard population. For being a terrible protagonist, Rune Germain is condemned to find a mistake in the middle of her knitting projects just as she is about to finish them. For the terrible Phantom Iteration known as Erik, we condemn his instruments to always be just slightly out tune. And Thorn/Etalon... we order you to get a lot of therapy and a service dog.Ā
So let it be recorded. Todayās story time is concluded.Ā
