aya

Today you’re still 18. 

In a week you will be a year older.You have no idea if you’re plan of going to watch a live band the night before your birthday’s going to happen. You are alone in your apartment, your study table’s beside the window, you can see the city lights, the busy streets, you are looking from time to time. You know you’ve always been dreaming of this but not in this place, not in this country. You are always wanting for more and it sucks. I don’t know if you ever get to live in New York--where you always wanted. But right know you need to finish college. At this moment you don’t know where will this dream take you. Have you traveled the world? Do you still leave your heart in so many places? There are a lot of things I want to know about you. Truth is, I don’t know if I would even read this letter in the future. I don’t know if I’m still here. I don’t know if I will make it. But believe me--I’m trying to. At this point in your life, you’ve met a lot of people already, you regret losing some of them but there’s a part of you that is thankful you parted ways. You’ve also been to people you thought you loved. You thought it’s love but it wasn’t. Let me remind you of them--there’s this one person who makes playlists for you. And you love his music taste. A guy who gave you a jar of short letters. You’re on and off with him. A guy who lives near your place. You like him atm. A guy who visited you couple times to your dorm. You find it very indiesh whenever you walk outside. A guy who listened to all your favorite songs and watched your favorite series. That one’s hardcore but he left you. A guy you went to UP with and left you one of his handkerchief. He got a new girl in less than a month. A guy who skates. Don’t mind him. A guy who loves film like you. You’re pretty sure he was just infatuated.  You’re not a risk taker. I wonder if you would ever find the love that makes you willing to take the risk. I hope you did. Or you will. In your 18 years of existence--you always feel like it’s been a long time already. There are a lot of things you’ve been through, you always remind yourself to give the love you never received--it is hard sometimes but you still manage to live with it. I am hoping you are different from the now. I wish you are way happier than the 18 year old you. I wish you are smarter and wiser and kinder than you are right now. I wonder if you still have this addiction to HIMYM and Sherlock Holmes. Do you still listen to The Beatles? Oasis? Do you remember Good Feeling by Violent Femmes? You love that song right now or you have forgotten about it because of the new music that’s been on your playlists--you lost count already? Also, I just want to remind you that you have a red huge bag, a black small luggage, a canon 550d, an instax, grizzly, the scarlet letter, the great gatsby and you still have this olive green bracelet from Vietnam. You’re wearing the watch your stepmom gave you back in 2015. The eyeglasses you bought before UP FAIR 2018 with Ericka and Jay. You have a 100 75 vision as of now. You’re drinking water in your lense designed tumbler you bought in Singapore. You can see the venue of your High School graduation from here. The youtube tab’s open and you’re looking through good hair colors to try with your virgin hair. I wonder if you ever get that boy cut and dark gray colored hair, i don’t know. Even in those simple things you’re scared to take a risk. You always give a fuck about how you look. I wish you’d be less like that right now, or you just became worse? If you ever change course on the 2nd year in university--I don’t know what’s up with you because right now you have this burning passion for film. You’re having a sideline with Photography--I don’t know if at this moment you’ve put down your page or you’re already a professional photographer. You’ve always wanted to talk to your dad about the both of you but you never get the chance to--I wonder if how were you. I think you already learned surfing. 

There are a lot of things I hope you will be, I hope you get to, I hope you’ve done by now. And if not, that’s okay. Whatever you become--I hope it makes you happy. I just hope it makes you happy no matter how less it looks like to other people. No matter how many times you fail as long as it makes you happy. No matter what. If you ever meet the love of your life--make sure to hold on to him. Do something about it if you want him to stay. And IF, he’s still not with you or you’ve let him go--what the fuck are you doing? I’m not sure if there’s an after life, or there isn’t, or we’ll be reincarnated after we die, or we just rot in hell or go to heaven--you just get this one lifetime, or you get multiple of it--i don’t know, and i don’t know what i believe. But we’re only given this exactly lifetime by a universe or a god. I’m pretty sure you don’t want to waste. It doesn’t matter if you look shit, if you look an idiot by chasing him--as long as he’s not married. Just do something about it. And if you haven’t met him yet--just be patient. Or just throw yourself out there, just make sure not too much. And if you’re not successful with the path that you took--just push a little more as long as it makes you happy and if it doesn’t excite you anymore, go somewhere and think again. I am so sure of what I want right now. I don’t if it stays the same. 

If you become some trashy bitch--I don’t know what to say. I never imagined being like that but if it makes you happy and you’re really like that--just don’t hurt and ruin other people. Don’t belittle or degrade anyone. 

Most of all, I hope you have a good relationship with your family. I really hope so. With your mom--I hope you’ve already told her everything, and what you really felt. With your grandma, I hope she’s still there. I hope she was able to see you succeed because your Grandpa and your Uncle Nat haven’t. I hope you were able to send Baste to college. There’s a lot on the list and you’re not on a race. It doesn’t matter how long it takes you to get there as long as you did it the right way. 

Dear future self, I hope you get genuine happiness. I hope the stars aligned for you in this lifetime because I don’t see it right now. 

I remember when you always annoy me with your voice.

I remember when you messaged me and told me you’ll always be there. 

I remember when you told me you love me.

I remember when you helped me.

I remember you.

All the time. 

Everytime. 

I hope we had more time.

I hope we are able to get to our dreams.

I hope I never ignored you. 

I hope I can tell you how much I love you.

I hope I let you know how hard I cried when you left. 

I hope I was able to say I’m sorry. 

I hope you were here. 

I hope you were still here.