TL; DR Miss Mardi Gal's Guide to a Semi Civilized Carnival
I had a hard time getting into Mardi Gras this year. I usually go to a lot of parades, somewhere around 20 per year. This year I went to 12. This doesn’t count the one I was in or the marching krewes downtownish. (I am from Broadmoor/Uptown. Anything on the other side of Canal is downtown.) It may be that I am getting old but I am seriously feeling over Mardi Gras, particularly the big parades which are becoming downright unpleasant.
First there is the problem of the stuff. Crowds are becoming seriously entitled. No one wants beads. People don’t even pick cups up off the ground. During Muses I saw really nice throws like tea towels and notebooks get left in the mud. The demand for the specialty throws, to the exclusion of everything else, has gotten out of hand. People act like they deserve a shoe (or whatever the parade has that they want) and can get quite angry when denied. And the begging is pathetic. As we roll down the avenue I hear constant cries of “I need a shoe!” and I mumble to myself “No one needs a shoe.” Sometimes I wish I could stop the parade and give my Sunday school lecture I used to call “The Greedy Gimmes” (after the Berenstain bears book) in which I differentiated wants from needs. (In a sing song voice) “I know you want a shoe. Everyone wants a shoe. But do you really need a shoe? Sit down for a minute and think about that.”
The waste after each parade is sickening. I appreciate the work that is being done to recirculate throws and I try to participate in this effort. Unfortunately, we are reusing stuff no one wants. This year I only bought one bag of generic, prethrown beads onto the float and tossed them at the end, after I’d run out of everything else. I generally watched them fall to the ground as people dodged out of the way as if I was giving them cooties. Sometimes, up there on the float, I feel like I’m littering.
Krewes need to throw more useful reusable stuff. They need to throw more locally made stuff. But mostly they need to throw less stuff. This is supply and demand and I’m tired of spending many hundreds of dollars on crap that no one wants. (I hate to think about how much I have spent. It’s stupid.) The supply is too great. The masses are spoiled. It’s fun to enjoy shiny trinkets raining from the sky but the next day they’re mostly just laying there on the ground. And people are so desperate to get something special, that rare thing that will make them the envy of others (and that they can later sell on ebay), that no one appreciates the parade. Lots of artists spend much of the year thinking of ideas for, designing, and creating these floats. School bands practice year round. Yet at the end of the evening all you can think of is whether you got a shoe, and if so how many, and was it more than others.
Our world is being buried in plastic and we are a big part of the problem. I’ve known this for a long time but it’s finally really getting to me. But the problem with throwing less is none of the krewes want to be first to do it because it will garner bad reviews. We aren’t getting paid for this. We are in it for the kudos. So, if we throw less, people say things like “They hardly throw anything” and “They were really stingy this year.” If we throw cheap we also hear about it. Even though people don’t pick up most of it, they want to see it fall.
Then there are the crowds in general. Yes, I am getting old, but I am weary of how increasingly uncivilized we are becoming: as a world, as a country, and as a city. At one of the schools where I teach they give the students a lecture each year on Mardi Gras safety (which I think is great.) I think all the local high schools and universities should give an annual lecture on Mardi Gras etiquette (and send a summary home to the parents.) Perhaps we should have a citywide guide to Mardi Gras manners published, maybe as an addition to those Arthur Hardy guides, Miss Mardi Gal’s Guide to a Civilized Carnival. Yes, carnival isn’t really supposed to be civilized. Not entirely. This was started as our last frolic before the pious days of Lent. (Of course, most of the revelers don’t participate in Lent.) I’m not trying to be a killjoy. I love the general frivolity of Mardi Gras. My favorite thing about being in Muses is the weeks and sometimes months of decorating used shoes with random shiny crap just to hand them to strangers off a moving platform. Some of my favorite parade memories include watching in the pouring rain as old men cling to the floats, occasionally tossing us things. Because it’s bizarre and ridiculous and pointless and fun. (I am a huge fan of random acts of frivolity.) But there have to be ways for us all to have chaotic, weird fun while allowing others to do the same and respecting the fact that some people live there year round (and need to have big fences installed just to keep you from pissing on their petunias.) I think that’s the biggest thing that needs to be said to university students. You are just visiting (except for the locals.) You will probably leave us in less than 4 years. We live here.
Other things that should be included in Miss Mardi Gal’s Guide to a Semi Civilized Carnival. Don’t believe Benny Grunch when he says “There ain’t no place to pee on Mardi Gras day.” There are, however, many places not to pee during carnival season (or anytime really.) Do not pee on people’s houses. Do not pee on people’s cars. Do not pee on private property. Do not pee on public property. Do not pee in a bucket in a tent in the middle of the crowded neutral ground.
There are many port-o-lets along the route. A few are public. The rest may involve a nominal fee. This is the greatest free show on Earth so set aside some of the money you are saving on entertainment and keep them on hand for your toileting needs. Many churches, other businesses, and a few entrepreneurial homeowners have port-o-lets available along the route. For $3 to $5 you can relieve yourself without pissing off (so to speak) the locals. And some places will let you use the restroom if you buy a drink (and drinking probably got you in this conundrum to begin with.) Offhand I can tell you five places you can pee for a fee between Napoleon and Amelia along St Charles, a distance of half a mile. (That may be more restrooms than Disney World.) And I’m not even looking for them. They’re just that obvious. Have some dignity.
Pace yourselves. It is a cliche but this is a marathon, not a sprint. Carnival officially begins on Twelfth Night (January 6) and ends on Mardi Gras day, which is a moving target that can occur any Tuesday from February 3 to March 9. The first parades (other than a couple on Twelfth Night) occur three weeks before Fat Tuesday but they are the smaller marching krewes (my favorites.) The ones on St Charles that draw the big crowds (and the mobs of college students) begin 11 days before Mardi Gras. During those eleven days, 32 parades will roll down St Charles. This doesn’t include Endymion which is in an entirely different area of town and which you should all focus on. Really. Just camp out over there. It’ll be awesome. I heard a rumor that next year they will be handing out the latest iphones and Taylor Swift concert tickets. But only if you camp out there for all of carnival season. And then, you know, stay there. (Sorry.)
Back to St Charles. We locals think you are absolute idiots when you’re passed out during the day on Muses Thursday, before any of that day’s 3 parades have rolled. Little old ladies will shake their heads and call you a lightweight as the EMTs load you into the ambulance, muttering under their breath about how, in their day, people could hold their liquor.
Next, don’t be a space hog. We all like an area for our friends to gather and hang out. Most of us take this a bit too far. Some of us take this way too far. You may not claim an entire city block. I don’t care how big your fraternity is, three pledges can’t just skip classes and rope off the entire neutral ground. And don’t put stadium seats or platforms right on the curb. People need to be able to move back and forth. Also, having platforms right at the front means that not only do you have front row seats but now no one else can see anything. (But perhaps that was your intent.) Ladders should be for children and they should have space for an adult to stand in front, if only to protect little ones from being pummeled or toppled over. And owners of St Charles mansions, we see you lining the curb along the front of your houses with ladders, most of which nobody will sit on. We know you spent a lot of money on that house (or maybe your great grandparents did.) We know you pay a lot in taxes (or at least you are supposed to.) That still doesn’t mean you own the street.
Stop with the amplified music, at last during the parade. Some of us like to hear the bands. Some of us like to hear each other speak. And some of you are now competing with each other to see who can blast their music the loudest. No one wins.
Be nice to those around you. Locals often have route neighbors who we see every year. We may not know each other’s names but we recognize each other with a smile or a nod. Spaces can blur and that’s OK (to a point.) There are lots of norms around all of this. We watch out for all little children and make sure their corresponding adults can see them. If you know somebody on a float, you say to those in front “I know someone on Float ___.” They then let you move forward for that float. It is also customary for them to say “What’s your friend’s name? We’ll help you get their attention.” You then wait, try to get your friend to see you, and afterward retreat back into the crowd. It is a particularly nice gesture, if you got a lot of stuff from your friend, to give some to those who helped you. (And really, any time you get a pack of nice throws, it is considered polite to pass some out to your neighbors.) If you see a rider trying to throw to a particular person (which is often obvious either because they point, yell, make eye contact, etc.) you do not block. You move aside. And if they don’t catch it and you do, you give it to them. (A personal rule of mine is also that if it hits me, it’s mine. I have been known to declare this to others. “That hit me. Give it!” This is not a norm. This is Rachel’s rule.)
Unused chairs should be openly shared with those in need. Likewise unused ladders. Don’t taunt the horses. Don’t touch the band members or their instruments. Don’t throw beads into the tubas. (I’ve seen it happen.) And don’t throw anything back at the floats except for the few that are designed for this (Bacchus’ King and Queen Kong, Tucks’ toilet, etc.) When you must cross between encampments, do so quickly with an apologetic nod and wave. And don’t do this as a float is passing. Any distraction from watching the floats can cause someone to get a pack of beads to the head. And don’t cross the street in the middle of the band. This is actually relatively well enforced. I have seen officers who have ignored people dashing in front of floats to get something, reprimanding someone for “breaking up the band.”
For my women, watch yourselves. It terrifies me to watch young women getting absolutely blasted on the parade route then wandering off down a side street to find a lawn to pee on. Seriously, y’all. The buddy system and/or safety in numbers doesn’t work when everyone is just short of passing out and can’t keep track of each other. Take care of yourselves (and each other)! And, speaking of safety issues, look out for the damned floats! It amazes me that more people don’t get killed every year.
And now we need to talk about the people who are there to keep us safe. I brag about the NOPD’s ability to handle Mardi Gras all the time. The rest of the year they can be hit or miss but during carnival our officers have a reputation for greatness. They know how to pick their battles. (Not everything that is illegal can be enforced on the route or in the Quarter. Safety issues have to come first.) They know how to move swiftly, manage the problem, and move along. I once ended up in the mob of people by Superior Grill during Bacchus (a long story involving Jensen Ackles and a quest which I can tell another time.) I was on the other side of the neutral ground from the parade and could barely move. Suddenly, a pair of cops on horseback cut through the crowd to a spot about 10 feet away from me, where they reached down, grabbed two guys who had apparently been fighting, and frog marched them away. It was an impressive bit of choreography. No one was hurt. It all happened quite swiftly and was over.
I had a problem with the police this year. It has been suggested to me that what I witnessed may have been forces borrowed from other parishes or the state police because we were shorthanded. I hope so. During Muses a fair number of police officers were begging for (and sometimes receiving) shoes. (I saw online a comment that a cop near her got 8 shoes!) There are times when the street is barricaded to keep spectators back as the floats are turning corners. Generally a few people slip past the barricades and then get sent back. This year there were lots of people right next to police officers, begging for stuff, as the tractor drivers were trying to turn the corner without killing anyone. I tried to throw a pack of napkins to someone and it was intercepted by a cop who then kept it! Y’all are there for a reason and your purpose is vital. You need to protect the people from each other and from the floats and you need to protect me from them. I would gladly be willing to donate a few nice shoes to a cache to be distributed to the NOPD crew that work our route LATER. Where are they even putting the shoes? Do they run back to their cars every time? This really doesn’t belong in Miss Mardi Gal’s Guide to a Semi Civilized Carnival. This should be part of the police briefing. Don’t sweat the small stuff but do keep a keen eye out for the other stuff. And keep your hands free. It is hard to protect and serve with a shoe in each hand.
And lastly, keep the intersections free from structures! During the parades this year, people had put up canopies, stands, grills, and all sorts of stuff in the intersections. In case of emergency, first responders need to be able to drive through there. They also can be a convenient place for people to cross being that you can’t get past all the ladders, etc elsewhere. Intersections should be standing room only! I propose that fire trucks should randomly drive through intersections during parades, just coasting, foot off the brake, so people can scatter out of the way but not be able to rescue their huge LSU tent. Of course, the fire trucks don’t even follow the parades anymore so we’d have to mend some relationships first.
I realize all of the problems listed have to do with the big parades. I should focus more on the marching krewes. It would certainly help to regenerate my love of the carnival season. There are lots that I never see. And coming home with my little handful of handmade doo dads is so much more fun than lugging home a sack of crap that I have to sort through later and bring most of to the ARC. But being on the route could be fun again if some people, you know who you are, could just go enjoy Endymion. Seriously, I just heard that next year they’ll be throwing hundred dollar bills and keys to their Saabs. But only to people who are truly there for the whole season. And they can tell. Go check it out.
