The Non-Monogamy Cafeteria!
This monstrosity of a diagram was created in 2017 and has been floating around the communities ever since I began living my Polyamorous life. I don't think people realize that there are so many different ways to be Non-Monogamous and in recent years, with the rise in popularity of Polyamory, I've seen a lot of confusion about umbrella terms and where things overlap.
It's important to note that very rarely do people fall into just one category. Relationships are dynamic! People are organic! We change, grow, shift, evolve. You may find you float between several definitions. Maybe relationships evolve from one form to another, it could be different with each person you're involved with, different periods of your life. Labels provided information but they aren't necessarily a fixed identity.
So let's talk about each one!
When I was a teenager, this may have been the most common term used among anyone who wasn't "strictly monogamous". It is an umbrella term where partners agree that romantic or sexual exclusivity is not required. There is usually a primary relationship that sets the standard rules for the individuals. Every open relationship looks differentβsome only allow casual sex, others include emotional relationships.
Seeing multiple people before establishing exclusivity or commitment. Some people eventually become monogamous. Others continue into polyamory. Others simply enjoy dating.
Relationship Anarchy rejects the idea that society should dictate which relationships deserve more importance than others. Relationship anarchists intentionally negotiate every relationship individually. Most Relationship Anarchists reject the idea of Heirarchy. They often value friendships as completely equal to romantic partnerships. There is obviously a wide overlap with many of the other forms of Non-Monogamy.
Polyamorous Relationships
"Many Loves!" Polyamory is all about having multiple, intimate, romantic relationships. There may or may not be a "primary relationship" but it does not dictate how other relationships evolve. It focuses more on agreements rather than stict rules.
- Poly/Mono Relationships, typically one individual is Polyamorous and in a relationship with someone who is Monogamous and does not seek other romantic partnerships. The Polyamorous individual often has multiple romantic relationships. While it often includes some form of Heirarchy that is not always the case.
- Solo Poly, one individual with multiple romantic partners. They typically do not have a "nesting partner" (someone they live with) or a primary relationship.
Heirarchial Polyamory involves a primary relationship that is usually more integrated (living together, shared responsibilities, children etc.) it does not necessarily mean other relationships are "less than" but that the primary relationship involves more priority.
Garden Party Polyamory typically involves a group (a Polycule) of Polyamorous connections. The partner of my partner is my Metamour. In Garden Party, Metas often interact at social functions. Most polycules do not "all date each other".
Kitchen Table Polyamory is when a Polycule has multiple members that are more integrated, they may live in the same house (have regular meals together), make larger decisions together as a group, and often have more overlap in romantic relationships.
Is a closed relationship involving more than two people. They agree not to form romantic relationships with individuals outside of the established Polycule.
This is typically when a primary relationship (a couple) seeks out "a third" to add to their relationship. In the Polyamorous community it is called Unicorn Hunting and is considered highly unethical. The third is called a Unicorn (or Dragon for masc counterparts) because it is nearly impossible that someone exists whom both you and your partner are attracted to and meets whatever criteria your both looking for.
Yes there are Triads and Throuples in Polyamory, the important distinction is how Ethically they evolve. Relationships are really one-on-one, and should evolve at their own place. Healthy Triads should not be AB+C (the primary relationship adding someone), rather it is 4 unique individual dynamics in one. A+B, A+C, B+C, and then A+B+C. Each if these relationships will grow and evolve in their own way.
(Ethical Non-Monogamy is a huge umbrella term that denotes a clear standard practice for ethical behavior within Non-Monogamy. I know many have a problem with this term. [All relationships SHOULD be Ethical, and Non-Monogamy is not inherently unethical.] The term evolved from the Free Love movement in the 60s when they realized NM without some guidelines was unsustainable.)
Religious/Social Polygamy
Religious or social polygamy refers to cultures, communities, or faith traditions where one person has multiple spouses through marriage, and where that arrangement is supported or expected by the surrounding social or religious structure.
Unlike polyamory, these relationships are typically governed by established cultural or religious rules rather than individually negotiated relationship agreements.
The community often considers this dynamic to be Unethical! Especially because it has its roots in patriarchial power dynamics and has high potential for abuse.
Relationships involving financial exchange. Typically involves professional sex work, escort, sugar arrangements, and paid companionship.
It doesn't need to be said, but while cheating is technically a form of Non-Monogamy it is not ETHICAL or CONSENTUAL Non-Monogamy. It is a violation of agreed upon relationship boundaries through deception. Cheating can happen in any kind of relationship dynamic. The opposite of Cheating is not Monogamy - It's HONESTY.
Partners agree that outside relationships may occur but details aren't shared. For some, this protects privacy. For others, it avoids difficult emotions.
Critics argue DADT can sometimes encourage avoidance rather than communication, but for some couples it genuinely fits their needs. The Polyamorous community (especially) considers this form of Non-Monogamy to be Unethical.
BDSM has its own large community and may or may not involve Non-Monogamy. These NM relationships are centered around BDSM dynamics. They may or may not involve sex. This could be an entire post all on its own. There may or may not be restrictive rules that govern outside relationships, there are often power-exchange dynamics. Relationships may be deeply intimate, or simply about play.
This dynamic is an agreement to have outside partners when geographically distant. There is typically a primary relationship, it's often meant to reduce overlap between outside relationships and daily life. It's most common with Military Spouses, or relationships where individuals travel a lot and are away from the home. While often more about sexual relationships, that's not always the case.
Swinging, Soft Swinging, Closed-Group Swinging
The swinger community may be one of the biggest communities under the ENM umbrella. Where Polyamory is more about being Romantically and Emotionally Non-Monogamous - Swinging is typically Romantically Monogamous but Sexually Non-Monogamous. Swinging typically involves a primary couple who enjoy experiencing sexual play with other couples or individuals. In Swinging Unicorn Hunting is a common practice, and typically doesn't come with the pitfalls of trying to form an emotionally integrated relationship that UH has in Polyamory. Couples may play separately, they often have clear rules and agreements. Some play with close friends, some with strangers.
It's often recreational and often involves parties and events. The only difference between Swinging and Soft Swinging is that Soft dynamics do not involve intercourse.
Closed Group Swinging involves a group (usually close friends) that agrees to only participate in sexual activies with each other.
Con Sex, or Convention Sex
Con Sex refers to sexual encounters that primarily happen at conventions or large community gatherings (science fiction conventions, furry conventions, BDSM conventions, gaming conventions, etc.), often with people you know from that community but don't necessarily have ongoing romantic relationships with.
It's overlapping several boxes because convention sex can happen in many different relationship structures. There is sometimes a lot of overlap between geek, kink, poly, and convention communities. Many people had relationship agreements that specifically addressed conventions and is often recognized more as a subculture vs. a distinct relationship style.
Casual Sex focuses on sex without an expectation of romantic commitment. May include one-night stands, friends-with-benefits, recurring hookup, etc. (The placement on the chart and the overlap may seem a little wonky, but many of the dynamics listed are not entirely sexually focused - but Swinging definitely is! Casual Sex does not always involve swinging, it often falls into definitions for Open and Casual Dating but those aren't always sex focused either.)
Like anything, this chart is an oversimplification. Relationships are too diverse, nuanced, and personal to fit neatly into colored boxes. Many people will see themselves in several categories at once, while others won't fit any of them perfectly. Labels can be useful shorthand for finding community and communicating expectations, but they should never replace honest conversations about boundaries, desires, and consent. Ultimately, there is no one "right" way to practice Ethical Non-Monogamyβonly the way that works for the people involved. What matters most isn't which box you occupy, but that your relationships are built on Informed Consent, mutual respect, and open communication.
Small side note: I love questions, I love sharing information, resources, and experiences. Relationships can be HARD! Community is so important to learn from and support each other. I'm very fortunate to occasionally get to host a Poly/Kink discussion and I am always happy to collect questions and share answers.
If I've ever responded to one of your posts it is usually out of support and encouragement. Disagreement and other perspectives are always welcome! I don't consider myself an expert, but I have a lot of experience and knowledge to share - which is really what this blog has become about.
Wish you well on your journey!
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