The Guy with the Audi

I really need to find a way to stop this…

I cannot go through another month of this, which means, I might have to say goodbye if they are not interested in talking elsewhere… in other worse, I might have to break my own heart… and who knows they’ve been telling me the truth or not…

We simply live two completely different lives… no matter how much we may or may not have in common. And she lives a life that I’d never be able to be apart of, even if I wanted to. It’s not something I’d ever be welcomed into either.

I get why they’d keep me at a distance, cause I’m just someone they know from online… why would they bother actually letting someone in more than they have to. When I’d never actually be a real part of their life.

And I’m just not built for that… I feel too many emotions too deeply… and now here I am, I’ve lost sleep over her because of whatever these feelings are that I have for her and because she lied… I don’t know how I can trust her and what she says going forward now…

What I care about, is that you lied. You lied about going out and saying you went to bed when we both know you didn’t… you said you went to bed… yet your snap showed you out with someone…

That’s what hurts. That’s why it hurts. Because you lied… and you don’t even realize that I know. And idk if I will tell you… because what good would come of it? Why does it matter… if you clearly don’t care to just tell me the truth, why should I care?

The only way you aren’t lying, is if it’s not actually you and it’s someone else I’ve been talking to…

…it just hurts… it really really hurts… a lot…

There’s no way that they could actually find me attractive or interesting to talk to. It’s just not realistic, they live in a completely different world. A world where I don’t exist other than to spend pathetically… And the sooner i realize this and come to terms with it… the better… even if it means breaking my own heart… because it’s either I do it, or they will. It’s just a matter of time…

It’s a shame really… because I really enjoyed talking with them…

I was not expecting to find what I did when I first messaged her. At first, it was simply about the chance to actually talk with someone who I had a crush on from years ago. Someone who I had never met in person, but simply had a crush on from seeing them on social media.

At first, it was nice, talking with her here and there through out the day. Us slowly learning more and more about each other. A day turned into two, which turned into a week. Every day looking forward to talking with her. What started out as nice, became something more. Something lovely? Something I never expected.

So here I am, partially falling apart because I haven’t heard from her in over 12 hours… saying it makes me feel pathetic and ridiculous. I could just message her, and she might reply right away. She might be waiting for me. But I asked her a question yesterday, nothing wild, and she hasn’t replied. So I take it as it’s up to her to make the next move… I don’t want to bother her if she does need time… How could someone I met almost a week ago already mean so much to me…. WHY am I so afraid to lose her?

We both agreed that we must have been in a relationship in a past life… and if it explains why I feel this way, then something in our past lives happened where she had to have been the love of my life and something happened that took her away from me. Because I haven’t felt this way…this, worry about losing her…again…

And I don’t know how to explain something like that to her, because it sounds crazy. She has her whole life and I have mine… and yet I want us to be part of each other’s lives so badly. Badly enough that I’d go through this heart breaking feeling everyday if it meant she’d still be in my life and her and I could keep talking forever… If she wasn’t someone incredibly important to me in a past life, then I must be crazy and not thinking straight… but I don’t think I’m crazy. I wouldn’t feel this way in my chest…

And what I really want, what I truly “desire”… would be for her to join us here and everyone be on board with it. Because I know if I ever see her in person… I already know it’s going to feel way too familiar for me to not kiss her… it would be a reflex muscle that my spirit remembers as it sees and feels her spirit’s presence in front of me… and I wouldn’t care what others would say or think, because I’d know how I feel about her.

The last thing I was expecting when I first tried chatting… was to have found such a connection with someone like this.

When I see the little human, nothing happens. They are just a little kid. Nothing more than a small human who drains me of energy and is loud and messy. It requires constant watching to make sure they don’t do anything that would damage or break anything I have… … I know… That’s very shallow to say… but that’s how I see it. I like the things I have and right now I cannot replace them if something happens to them.

Most people don’t understand and think I’m heartless. I mean, for many years I thought I was too, so oh well. I get excited thinking of things I could do with them, like teach them to play baseball or soccer… I don’t care to give them a bath or clean up after their ungodly messes constantly or even watch their favorite tv shows…

If I can’t really explain it, how would anyone else ever understand when I try to explain it to them?

All I know is that when I see the little human, I just don’t feel anything close to nurturing, I just feel nothing really.

Recently I realized how I have zero expectations for anyone I know in my life… Even friends who are supposed to be close friends.

It’s a shame, really…