the end of all times

“what? no, of course not!” he exclaimed, rushing after jisung and kind of getting water everywhere but, that was the last thing he was worried about right now. he tucked a towel around his waist and caught up to jisung, grabbing his hand. “jisung. sunshine.” he whispered, leaning down and cupping the other’s cheek, “i’m sorry, i didn’t mean to sound like i don’t believe you. i do, i swear, it’s just…i didn’t want you to be afraid. i promise, we will get through it together.” kijung sighed and leaned his forehead against his. “besides…no matter what you saw happen to me…” he smiled lightly, trying to give the boy he promised to protect any kind of reassurance. “you know that i’m not afraid to die.”

jisung watched him -- or his feet, how they moved with an uncharacteristic panic and urgency. this was a mistake, he thought. no matter how carefully he planned things out, lined all of his decisions and filled in his resolve, kijung always managed to find a crack in the wall and slip through. “that’s not really what i want to hear, you know,” he said honestly, quietly.

he looked up. the urge to brush the clinging strands of kijung’s hair from his face almost bested him.

“i wish you would be. i-- want you to worry about yourself. and take care of yourself.” he slumped slightly against the doorway, shaking his head. “we can’t ‘get through it together’ if you’re just ready to accept th- that, which is why i have to...” he trailed off miserably, burying his face in his hands and scrubbing at his eyes hard. “i shouldn’t have told you.” when he released himself, he pushed off of the doorway too, ducking under kijung’s arm.

he froze, having no idea what jisung was talking about, but he still tried to comfort the other. he knew about the vision since daniel and jaemin mentioned that he had one, but all this time, it seemed like jisung didn’t want to tell anyone… now kijung had a sinking feeling that he knew why. “oh, jisung.” he whispered as he rubbed his back slowly and tried to calm his shaking. he swallowed. he would be lying if he said jisung’s words didn’t scare him, but he wasn’t scared because of the visions. he was scared because jisung mentioned leaving. “baby, what do you mean that you have to leave? who said anything about leaving?” alarmed, he pulled back slightly, and tried to look in jisung’s eyes. “just because you saw it doesn’t mean it will happen.” he said firmly. “if we just stay together, and look out for each other, no one is going to die, ok? we’ve survived for so long already, you really think it would be that easy to kill all of us at the same time?” he chuckled lightly and kissed jisung’s temple, still trying to calm him.

past the suffocating guilt and worry, jisung knew that kijung was only trying to comfort him, but to hear him laugh like all those people had done to him, years ago, was like being doused by ice-cold water. once, he remembered, kijung had promised him that he would always believe him. and yet--

“you don’t believe me.” an unfamiliar anger swelled in him, and jisung started untangling himself from kijung’s hold so he could step out of the bathtub. “i don’t know why i thought that telling you anything would-- g- god, fuck, forget it.” shivering in the cool air, he grabbed the towel from the rack and started wiping the weakness from his face and drying off.

of course, said his old ringmaster’s voice, cooing over his shoulder under the dark tent of stars. what did you expect? people will only believe what they like.

“sung-ah…” he was at loss for words the whole time jisung told him what he was thinking about. he always saw the other man as strong and sure of his powers, that he never realized jisung maybe didn’t feel the same about himself. kijung shook his head and hugged him to his chest tightly, burying his head into his shoulder. “baby, i am safe. i’m safe with the team, and i’m safe with you,” he whispered. “no one expects you to know and fix everything yourself, and i would never ever blame you for anything that you see, because it’s not only your job to stop them. that’s why you have me, and you always will. do you understand?” he held him tightly, feeling his chest aching for the person in his arms. “sweetheart, you think you have to do everything alone, but you’re not alone. whatever it is, i’m here, i can help. please let me help.”

jisung exhaled shakily when kijung buried his head into his shoulder, frozen for the first few moments it took for the other man’s words to sink in. he didn’t know why it was so hard to hear them, and why it was even harder to believe them. he had been trained too long against weakness, against the cost of relying on anything and anyone beyond his control. “it’s not that easy, kijung.” the feeling of tears on his cheeks startled him-- he prayed kijung would just think it was the water, because everything that he’d kept to himself for the past week was finally breaking through and suddenly he couldn’t stop:

“consider it payback for last time.” he told him, trying to smile, but then jisung surprised him with the question. “why…?” he asked carefully, looking down at their hands. “i mean… i guess it would depend. who i’m trying to be safe from, where i’ll go, if i can take anyone with me.” he searched jisung’s face for any answer. “is there something i should be worried about?”

a half-hearted smile ghosted across jisung’s lips. “i said ‘no questions asked,’” he whispered, smoothing away kijung’s damp hair and pressing a gentle kiss to his forehead. he lingered longer than necessary, burying his nose into soft black strands, and it wasn’t until after a long silence that he spoke again. 

he enveloped jisung in his arms when the other man unexpectedly curled down, and shivered when he felt jisung’s breath fan over his jaw. he could feel that something just shifted, but it was one of those things that jisung wasn’t going to give him a proper answer for. and the last time he tried asking, jisung asked for daniel. kijung honestly didn’t want that to happen again. “perfect,” he whispered, as he ran his hand up and down jisung’s back. his hands occasionally ran over jisung’s scar lines, which he knew were fairly healed but more recent than his burns. but then he frowned when he realized something. “baby, you’re shaking. what’s wrong?”

jisung shook his head and burrowed closer, leaning his forehead against kijung’s chest. “just cold,” he answered quietly. “and your hands tickle.” he didn’t like to think about his scars anymore either, but they were sensitive, and the effort he put ignoring them usually was the reason he couldn’t. but he didn’t want kijung to pull away either, not when this was possibly the last time he would see him.

“wow, bold of you to assume you can’t be both-” he was interrupted by the kiss, which he happily let happen. sitting up a little so he could kiss back, keeping jisung steady by his hand on his waist. from the start, kijung felt that it was different from their other kisses. it wasn’t less intense, somehow just intense in another quieter way. “you know what soap tastes like?” he kissed and nipped at jisung’s bottom lip playfully. remembering what jisung told him earlier, he didn’t push for more, only tried to goad a smile or a laugh out of him. “fuckin’ nerd.”

“that’s a lot of namecalling for someone who was just dying for me to kiss him,” jisung said mildly, pulling back a fraction when he felt kijung’s teeth scrape over his lip. his eyes flicked up, finding kijung’s pretty warm eyes--

(angled skywards, the epicenter of crackling crimson lines, smiling up at him lifelessly)

the nerves in that area of his chest really were almost numb, but he swore he felt jisung’s kiss. “you’re so cute,” he whined. “and yes, i’m still dying.” he closed his eyes again and put on his most pitiful expression.

“cute? i’m a trained professional.” since kijung insisted on his ‘death,’ jisung pinched his cheek and gave his head a little shake. then, refusing to think any deeper about it, jisung kissed him.

“i’m not dramatic, i’m dying,” he bemoaned, theatrically leaning back against the end of the tub. he tried to tug jisung in with him, his eyes shining with mirth.

he pretended to gasp and put a hand on his chest, over jisung’s hand, “because you love me and they would make me feel better?”

he watched jisung explore with his own curiosity. he was conscious about his burns, and didn’t like changing in front of the others, but he never felt any judgment from jisung since the first night they ended up together. this was slightly different though, they weren’t in bed and they weren’t undressed for their usual reasons. jisung was just…looking, and seeing, and kijung was…being seen. it was a new and odd sensation. “never around you.” he assured, as he leaned back and rubbed jisung’s hips comfortingly. “it actually feels less sensitive there. probably because of all the nerves i fried.” he shrugged, it was a long time ago that he got over, and didn’t like to think about anymore. he survived, he got a cool scar and his powers. that was it. “though if you so feel inclined to kiss it better, i would accept that any time.” he teased.

“ah.” jisung nodded in understanding, used to kijung’s rough phrasing. he was more relieved that he hadn’t been unintentionally causing kijung any pain. 

“me? i would never.” he chuckled quietly and closed both of his eyes when he felt jisung starting to clean his face. his hands settled on his thighs, tapping idly as he waited. a few minutes later, he could finally open his eyes again. he smirked softly up at jisung. “hi again.”

jisung’s hands lingered even after he finished, loosely framing the angles of kijung’s cheeks. they moved with his smirk, forming dimples that jisung wanted to poke or kiss or both-- all of which were dangerous thoughts, because he and kijung didn’t kiss.

they just fucked. distracted each other. isn’t that what kijung said?

“you’re the baby.” he huffed, and managed to find one of jisung’s hands. he tugged him into his lap and managed to squeeze open one eye to see that jisung’s face was wet now too. “sorry.” he mumbled, reaching for the faucet and turning on a small trickle of water, so he could clean off his hands. he began cleaning the suds off jisung’s face next, still with only one eye open. “don’t talk yet, you’ll get it in your mouth.” he tsk’ed and swiped his thumb over jisung’s lips, resisting the urge to kiss him.

“that was one time!” he humphed right before he got splashed in the face with water. “sung-ah!” he wailed, sputtering, “get back here, it’s in my mouth, ew ew ew.” he started blindly reaching for him, resulting in more accidental splashing towards jisung.

“i will remember you said that.” he declared as he grabbed the shampoo and began to lather some into jisung’s hair. “hey…” he pouted when jisung INSULTED his complexion. how dare he? “at least i can drive.” he huffed and poked jisung mercilessly in the side.

he cooed at the bubbles happily, it was a small, stupid thing to be happy about, but he always thought they should be grateful for those small, stupid things. “hmm.. besides wander around all day looking like an idiot? i saw some birds outside.” he tugged jisung so he sat between his legs and kijung can reach his hair. he began to wet his hair, and took care not to get water in his eyes. “i wanted to take the bike for a spin, but well, since we’re on a work ban i won’t say why i didn’t. but next time you should come and we should go.” he suggested with a grin. “shit look, i’m tanner than you now. you need to get out more.”

jisung smiled when kijung made his happiness about the bubbles known, but it faltered slightly when he mentioned not being able to ride the bike. next time. “next time,” he agreed, trying to quash his budding guilt. they weren’t saying when next time, right? it wasn’t a lie.

“it would be the right answer if you’ll let me.” he mumbled as he made room for jisung to join him. his gaze lingered on his scars, and he wanted to reach out like always, but he didn’t want to recall any bad memories. “you don’t look like shit by the way. you’re pretty.”

when the other commented on the air, kijung immediately eased some of his powers into the air and brought the temperature down, until he saw the mirror start to fog. “don’t worry, baby, i’ve got you.” he shut the curtain too, which basically turned the tub into a mini sauna. “better?” he grinned a little, shyly. stupid, why was he getting shy when they were literally bathing together? he motioned for jisung to come closer, “mhm, i’m fine with no work talk. come here, i told you i would wash your hair.”

jisung felt the air shift and looked to kijung in parts exasperated and in parts fond, unsure why he was surprised when this was the same man who used to heat their hot chocolates by hand. on days like this, he was more acutely aware of how inherently good kijung was. “flatterer,” jisung told him, but he was smiling. he felt the sting rising in his eyes again, and he hoped he would be able to excuse any redness in his face from the heat. he wasn’t as good with words, but he hoped kijung knew how grateful he was for everything.

he smiled, a little bitterly at jisung’s words. he wasn’t surprised that was the case, but he was also glad to hear that, at least, jisung was spared. it was also weird, because jisung’s answer should have comforted him, but him asking if he could look out for jamie felt off. kijung glanced over when he joined him in the bathroom, dropping his clothes in the small hamper and getting into the tub first. he saw himself in the mirror, and the burn scars that still displayed all over his upper shoulders and most of his right arm, nothing that jisung didn’t see before.

it was a little too warm for him and his powers in there, but he liked that it made him feel somewhat detached from reality. “you know i would. no, i will.” he promised.

he wished he could change how he felt about jin, really he did. and he hated himself whenever he looked at jamie and felt resentment, even though he would die for any of them without hesitation. it made him feel dirty, and unworthy of them. he wondered so often if jisung felt this way towards daniel and xander. but of course he would take care of him, they were his family.

“are you sure everything’s okay with you though, sung-ah?” he leaned his chin on the edge of the tub, and looked earnestly up at jisung. “you always ask to take care of us, but who’s taking care of you?”

jisung nodded wordlessly at kijung’s agreement. he trusted him -- more than the others, more than daniel, and maybe even more than himself. he hugged his arms to his stomach subconsciously, watching his reflection mirror the act. their fingers brushed the edges of the scars that licked over the edges of his ribs, one over his waist. his skin looked pallid. god, was that really him?

“you? is that the right answer?” he finally turned and started towards the tub too, shooting kijung a wan smile. he didn’t want to acknowledge the faint stinging in his eyes at the concern because it was pretty pathetic, and he’d poke his eyes out sooner than let kijung see him cry. “i didn’t realize i looked so much like shit. scoot.” he avoided kijung’s legs as he stepped into the tub too, noting that the water had seemingly warmed instead of cooled down. 

kijung’s burns were out in plain sight too. jisung remembered the first time he saw them -- the first and last time he’d cried in front of kijung, biting his lip raw trying to hold it in while he dressed the wound he’d gotten from the field that day.