Stuff I Like

When most people think of ‘White’ they think of perfection. Some think of it as the all color. Others think of it as purity, beauty, innocence. A lot out there picture large angelic majestic wings, or a blanket of undisturbed snow over areas seldom touched my man, or perhaps the cuteness of a new born puppy or bunny. There are also those that white gives them clarity, white gives them sight, white makes them fear black or darkness. White is associated with happiness, fulfillment, peace, sometimes love. All the infinite shades of white give most people a similar feeling. 

But not for me..

White lets me see.

A lot of people don’t like black or darkness. A lot of people cannot see in dark colors or black. Many fear it’s empty feeling, fear the unknown that lies beyond it’s darkness. They feel and associate it with loneliness due to it’s absence of color.

But not for me..

Black keeps things hidden away.

White for me shed’s light on the fact that I am alone. I feel lonely with white. I feel sad because I am lonely. 

With Black, I can at least not see that I am alone. I won’t feel lonely because I won’t know if I am. But once White let’s me see I am alone. I will feel crushed.

Sometimes I see white in others, they’ll shine some light into my unknown darkness. They show me what White is and make me aware. I am not alone, they are here for me. With me.

But then  they leave. And it’s just me and White. I can see. There is no unknown. There is no one. 

And that is when I feel truly alone. And wish my loneliness was non existent. Wish that it was still a simple unknown feeling I was unsure of, concealed behind Black.

Now I’m walking in a sea of Gray. Enough White to see I am alone still. Enough Black to not see myself or anyone else.

When most people think of ‘White’ they think of perfection. Some think of it as the all color. Others think of it as purity, beauty, innocence. A lot out there picture large angelic majestic wings, or a blanket of undisturbed snow over areas seldom touched my man, or perhaps the cuteness of a new born puppy or bunny. There are also those that white gives them clarity, white gives them sight, white makes them fear black or darkness. White is associated with happiness, fulfillment, peace, sometimes love. All the infinite shades of white give most people a similar feeling. 

But not for me..

White lets me see.

A lot of people don’t like black or darkness. A lot of people cannot see in dark colors or black. Many fear it’s empty feeling, fear the unknown that lies beyond it’s darkness. They feel and associate it with loneliness due to it’s absence of color.

But not for me..

Black keeps things hidden away.

White for me shed’s light on the fact that I am alone. I feel lonely with white. I feel sad because I am lonely. 

With Black, I can at least not see that I am alone. I won’t feel lonely because I won’t know if I am. But once White let’s me see I am alone. I will feel crushed.

Sometimes I see white in others, they’ll shine some light into my unknown darkness. They show me what White is and make me aware. I am not alone, they are here for me. With me.

But then  they leave. And it’s just me and White. I can see. There is no unknown. There is no one. 

And that is when I feel truly alone. And wish my loneliness was non existent. Wish that it was still a simple unknown feeling I was unsure of, concealed behind Black.

Now I’m walking in a sea of Gray. Enough White to see I am alone still. Enough Black to not see myself or anyone else.

Life overall has been a blessing for sure! I used to write on here depressing poetry. Now I have a wife I love and 2 beautiful children!

But even with these blessings, life is still hard. I fight every day to make sure my family is happy and healthy. I fight everyday to make it to work simply because when I wake up and see my son or my daughters eyes and they plead through those eyes to spend time with me, I still fight on. For without this job and without those struggles there would not be enough for food for these blessings. Or a home to call ours! I will not stop fighting for what I have accomplished and for my family and what is mine.

I am someone who will always do what he can and fight for more. But I love my wife and my children. I miss them everyday I go to work. I know they love me, but everyday I get home I don’t know how to play with them I only know how to ask questions and try to be involved with the toy they’re playing with at that moment or the picture book they’re turning the pages on. Even my kids with me prefer my wife, which I get, they’re young and she’s with them all day. But it still pangs me, that I only see them 3 hours a day and all day Sunday.

Now financially struggling this year also sucks. My job in itself was a blessing. I would not have been able to afford purchasing a home for my family without it. Been here 4 years now and just completed my first year in our first home. It’s not the largest. A small 2 bedroom townhouse built in the 70’s. All the neighbors can be heard unfortunately and the back yard neighbors can see into the kitchen but it’s comfortable enough. But back in June I get a call from my company’s HR department saying that they made a mistake on my raise in January and would owe the company a lot of money. Because yes the raise in January was very very very nice. I said to myself in January. Wow! We just purchased this home in September, 3 months of moving, closing costs, and also to find that the furnace was temporarily fixed for home inspection failed in October so HVAC repairs, we were living paycheck to paycheck in this home. I knew I would get a raise and it would alleviate the sense of barely scraping by. But when I saw my first check in January I said this awesome! I can not only afford my new home and support my family but I can pay off debt or use some extra money for investments! And that’s what I did. I added extra payments into my car, extra payments into some credit cards. I invested in some stocks that were reliable like Amazon, apple, and so on. I bought my son some hot wheels toys, he never had any and I loved them growing up. And now he loves them too! I treated my wife to a spa day before my daughter was born. And I had a plan that with that income. Come December 2020, I would be 90% debt free (not including mortgage and car payments.)

Now of course June comes and I get this news about my raise being wrong, I owe the company a lot of money. I told the HR rep that I wanted to speak to the owner and that I am unable to pay anything back as it was not my mistake. Long story short, the next paycheck was the same as before the raise and have been living paycheck to paycheck again. I know my problem financially was all this credit card debt from before I met my wife. I was dumb and just maxed everything out. Didn’t think anything of it. Some times I can put a little extra payments sometimes it’s just the minimum payment. Other times I can’t pay it at all with the way my paycheck comes in and the timing of the mortgage payment (which I refuse to be late or miss one of these payments) and food necessities. So I understand I’m to blame for living paycheck to paycheck and I hate putting my family through this. And I guess out of spite? Or payment? Or simply bad luck? I get transferred to a new building an hour further from my home and am now spending less time with my family. This happened the same time I said I cannot pay them back so who knows. When I suspected I would be going back to my old pay or a lower pay I was already looking into getting another job. But driving an hour to work every day and back now kills this idea because it would sacrifice the little time I already had with my family. I also took the last 6 months off from school as well. Yes I invested some of that extra income initially towards schooling for myself to be able to some day get a better job to support my family and now can’t even do that because I wouldn’t make it to class on time. I never went to college so I invested in my unionized HVAC school to help better my financial situation. But what can I do but keep fighting on. Struggling. Hoping the light of my family keeps me from breaking down and giving up.

When most people think of ‘White’ they think of perfection. Some think of it as the all color. Others think of it as purity, beauty, innocence. A lot out there picture large angelic majestic wings, or a blanket of undisturbed snow over areas seldom touched my man, or perhaps the cuteness of a new born puppy or bunny. There are also those that white gives them clarity, white gives them sight, white makes them fear black or darkness. White is associated with happiness, fulfillment, peace, sometimes love. All the infinite shades of white give most people a similar feeling. 

But not for me..

White lets me see.

A lot of people don’t like black or darkness. A lot of people cannot see in dark colors or black. Many fear it’s empty feeling, fear the unknown that lies beyond it’s darkness. They feel and associate it with loneliness due to it’s absence of color.

But not for me..

Black keeps things hidden away.

White for me shed’s light on the fact that I am alone. I feel lonely with white. I feel sad because I am lonely. 

With Black, I can at least not see that I am alone. I won’t feel lonely because I won’t know if I am. But once White let’s me see I am alone. I will feel crushed.

Sometimes I see white in others, they’ll shine some light into my unknown darkness. They show me what White is and make me aware. I am not alone, they are here for me. With me.

But then  they leave. And it’s just me and White. I can see. There is no unknown. There is no one. 

And that is when I feel truly alone. And wish my loneliness was non existent. Wish that it was still a simple unknown feeling I was unsure of, concealed behind Black.

Now I’m walking in a sea of Gray. Enough White to see I am alone still. Enough Black to not see myself or anyone else.

When most people think of ‘White’ they think of perfection. Some think of it as the all color. Others think of it as purity, beauty, innocence. A lot out there picture large angelic majestic wings, or a blanket of undisturbed snow over areas seldom touched my man, or perhaps the cuteness of a new born puppy or bunny. There are also those that white gives them clarity, white gives them sight, white makes them fear black or darkness. White is associated with happiness, fulfillment, peace, sometimes love. All the infinite shades of white give most people a similar feeling. 

But not for me..

White lets me see.

A lot of people don’t like black or darkness. A lot of people cannot see in dark colors or black. Many fear it’s empty feeling, fear the unknown that lies beyond it’s darkness. They feel and associate it with loneliness due to it’s absence of color.

But not for me..

Black keeps things hidden away.

White for me shed’s light on the fact that I am alone. I feel lonely with white. I feel sad because I am lonely. 

With Black, I can at least not see that I am alone. I won’t feel lonely because I won’t know if I am. But once White let’s me see I am alone. I will feel crushed.

Sometimes I see white in others, they’ll shine some light into my unknown darkness. They show me what White is and make me aware. I am not alone, they are here for me. With me.

But then  they leave. And it’s just me and White. I can see. There is no unknown. There is no one. 

And that is when I feel truly alone. And wish my loneliness was non existent. Wish that it was still a simple unknown feeling I was unsure of, concealed behind Black.

Now I’m walking in a sea of Gray. Enough White to see I am alone still. Enough Black to not see myself or anyone else.