I'm Kidding Myself Thinking That I'm Fine

To you, I’m worthless. Just another warm body to lay upon. To rut against, withholding me from pleasure. But you were allowed to feel that high, And I was left to clean up the sticky mess. To you, I was just there to express your anger. A punching bag without a membership fee. To you, I was your bank, With unlimited credit, Benjamins and Jacksons growing from my limbs. But to me, You’re nothing bad anymore. Because, I know now you needed me. And still need me. But once I turned my back, To you, I became the best thing you ever had.

You said you were sorry. And of course I believed you. Because I’m the fool that trusted a man that can’t stay in a committed relationship. I thought I could be the one to change you. Because, obviously I thought I was more important than the way you treated me. It’s amazing how I didn’t see the signs that you were practically done with me. Like, the movie tickets in your pants the night you had to work late. Or the money missing from the bank account The same week went to the concert. Without me. I like that band too, ya know. But I stayed at home and waited up for you. I cooked dinner, Did your laundry. The only thing I didn’t do was bathe you; Because I thought you could handle that. But you couldn’t handle keeping your dick in your pants. So I guess I was a fool for taking care of you, But you’re the bigger fool for letting the only person that took care of you, Walk out of your life. I can say I finally realized, I didn’t need you, You needed me

I could hear her scream; Almost as high as a dog whistle. I could see her clenching her chest as she fell to her knees. Her husband following behind; His face pale as he takes hold of the belt around the girl’s neck. Laying her down easy on the wrinkled bed. He yells for the frightened sisters to stay out as they call, voice laced with concern. The wife calls the young girl’s name over and over. Chanting for her to come back. But she’s gone. Watching the scene from above. Wishing that one day they will understand why she had to leave. So, Mom, I’m sorry. I’m sorry I had to leave you with my father; Especially when he’s on his business trips.  And I’m sorry that I will miss our coffee trips and shopping dates. And I’ll miss the girls graduation and weddings. Dad, I’m sorry you have such a failure for a daughter. But I hope to always be your little princess.  I did try, really, I gave it my all.

Book of the day: After You’d Gone by Maggie O'Farrell