Therapist said I need to recall my happiness more than negativity.
Thanks to Inside out 2, like Riley, my imagination isn't being used for good. Not truly. I am angry that I have to work for my happiness. I'm angry that it felt like i found it, and then i ruined it. Can't change the past. But i can keep moving forward.
My unbending unyielding undying belief, that i lost sight of for a couple days, is that everything happening is a temporary feeling. It's a passing wave. It's transient. There's nothing to fear, even in the worst situations. Remembering that, this isn't permanent.
We'll keep working on analyzing ourself. But for now:
I had a serious talk with dad and it went surprisingly well without discomfort or issue. I had a delcious dinner with my madrina, my tia. Watching my cousin 11 yrs old play basketball was awesome. I connected with my padrino, gil. Got to see Erik at the end. Encourage him. Connected well and a lot with brenden. The mystery was solved that my mom took my hat. She got it back from brenden.
Monday was dance. I dont remember what i did form 4-6 but by the time i got ready for dance it was awesome. Danced well with nadia. Practiced with Latia. Did well during freestyle. Classes are were and always are great. Dance makes me happy. I need to practice more. I will.
Wednesday got confusing. I got to talk to Julian about death, conciousnesnsss, thoughts, existence. So we're going to have a sleepover and go to church together. Hopefully i go to church. I will. So Wednesday, I did the laundry. Showered, and spent time with Adrian. We ordered dinner. The chicken was delicious. Really fucking delicious the Grecian sauce. I love there fries. MY favorite in the city. And the fruit punch soda. Then, it was great being with Adrian. Seeing him interact with me. Play with me, seek ways to communicate to me, not just words. We watched AOT together. It was wholesome. and it was dope talking about the show since we know how it ends.
Thursday was disappointing. I wasphysically/mentally tired at the end of the work day. I slept for almost 3 hours in my car after work in the parking lot. I didnt go to the gym, which made me feel, which meant i had, failed. I was hurting, feeling that i cant control my mood, and as a result, i cant control my life, or reach my goals, and then felt eceedingly ordinary when ive been building confidence for weeks so hard that i could be someone. that i could achieve even 1 of my dreams. Failing to go to the gym made me feel like i cant achieve any f my dreams and i'll be down here with no potential.
But with an improved mood, thats not true. i have to understand that my mood will in large determine my thoughts. And they are not true. They are temporary.
I was not tired. I chose, 50/50 real close to a no, to go dance. And im glad i did because it was fun. The morning started with a headache i wasnt used to. I was upset. But by the grace of God, some propenal and gabapentin later, i do feel better. I actually feel kind. I feel oozing a flow stream of kindness, compassion, and desire to share good with others. to hug, and to express love. the day will end well. I promise. My 2010s music is fire by the way.
Development of Consciousness
I changed my mind. I developed a model of reality that was soothing calming grounding and assuring. peace inducing. i was free. seeing things as they are. unbounded. free of chains, and see people, rather than reacting people. Undertsanding trhat all concioiusness is my thought judgment and experince. theres lomst glass betweeen us. and it was like being a kid. unhurt by the world. and with it, unambigious shifts have been occurring in the people around me, coinistently. matrix glitches. they'rehappening.
maybe i am changing the fields around me. i hope so. i want to leave this world for something better. though i dont know what better is. i will search for it. i'll know it when i find it. but this isnt so bad. its not so bad.
6/28/2024 9:49am CST Chicago, Illinois
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