The Forgetting Machine

Density * Panic *starts in the belly, indigestion but it doesn't flow from below the diaphragm to above, but pops I dreamed of falling many times before the first time I fell and when it was just like I had expected each time somewhere in this accuracy I couldn't remember which had actually happened (I tried to count so hard, I counted in my dreams) The counting is to say, I know I will be fine this time too (I... and the (where ever) landing will be [!] fine, always fine new fall, place, start, and new hole in the sky [!]dark, for a moment at least but probably longer, but[!]

Every word I've ever said was just a breath of air. And when you moved with boxes tall all you did was lift.

Lets just go; work things out; All you do is twist; I only wanted to; and you only need to know what's fair; I would never; you would; you only ever.

I don't believe you, about me

I wish that I could break down elegantly; sugar glass; that I could write a machine that breaks into softer pieces. Instead of being  full of  {“Come See Me!”} aerosol rust. Its dangerous to leave this alone for so long and try to look too close.  Its only been once that I’ve watched my words  rattle lose 10 years later.  [“okay!”] I remember every “no” I ever gave you, every mote of dirt I convinced to settle on  my face. {“Something’s Come Up”} I’m angry and I want you to have to restart, too.  [“ah well if you want-”] You untether my cobwebs; unwound my roots and shatter my dusty enamel. 

to see me like this”,  They said in unison. three-oh-five whispers under  the door to 307. We used to think, a coincidence like this?  Take it. But we aren’t looking for signs or guidance anymore.  “I guess... I’ll head out tomorrow early, like 9. I don’t you don’t like to wake up early.”  “Take your time, I’ll leave tonight. I just don’t really like waking up (lacking, when I had wished a call or knock would interrupt me. I don’t like knowing, first thing in the morning).  “I’ll watch you go from up here, (just hope you don’t sulk, or look up, scanning windows for a shadow of me. Whatever you do just look like I left something with you) I promise”.  “You’ll hear me going out, I won’t sneak or hide (and I promise I won’t look and make you do either) when i go.”

The last ship wasn’t much, but neither were the last star or the last crew. We sat 0.005 AU in orbit around the last fading light.  This was "T” minus 30 years or so, our expiration uncertainty clocks in at  around “plus or minus 26 days”.  We spent a lot of time planning.  The star is barely warmer than the engines.  There’s a molten core under the rocky carbon crust  but nothing for us there. Even if “technically, the crushing pressure would keep us alive longer”.  Sara comes to the observation deck where I am sleeping. it’s so dark out here you can train yourself to become blind to the edges, and quickly. It begins with the framing of the windows and moves in closer. you're  gone until startled back into being. It’s probably the easiest way to spend your time. Sara will probably be the  last interesting thing to happen on this ship.  She’s small, the youngest one there is going to be. I think for a few moments that she may be the youngest thing in the universe, but, obviously... well perhaps at some perpendicular size scale, she is.  An accident. Accidents haven’t happened for thousands of years. It was too expensive, too much of a burden on anyone else. After she arrived, and the sterilizations, and the terms found- things went back to normal. Except that  Sara’s father will die of starvation within  the next year. Her mother doesn’t  get enough oxygen to sit up anymore,  but no one knows when  she will die. Probably sooner.  "I want to open the shades” She just doesn’t  understand. “I know the power  issues but if we dip li…” Today is not going to be a good day.  “We can’t.” Every option has  been reviewed for generations. “The reflective blinds are critical to keeping  our orbit stable.” The process of opening them alone would take months off of our count down.  We discussed the option, of course. There is another orbit which would give us the extra power to  fully support another person. It would shave years  off of the calendar but eventually it was decided.  They were responsible; the community  was not; Sara was not. This has not been re-discussed since.  “It’s going to be my birthday and if we’re further out we can open the” The disruption effect is minimized further out. The effort required to fix the orbit is minimized close in an elongated orbit solves a problem.  “and after the second pass by we just boost back into the circular...:” She doesn’t know the cost- in years.   This is a wretched place.

“... and Dr. Parker thinks I probably won’t even lose a full inch if I eat once-restricted a year early”

She doesn’t know how long she has.  or that we’re the only ship out here. 

“haven’t spent ANY processing time in the last two months and I can keep...” She doesn’t know that when  she turns 12 we’re going to open  the mechanical areas to her  and her world  will grow tenfold. She doesn’t know that  “and I can fast to pay for the energy of the whole maneuver, I promise”