Bad Religion

I miss the person I used to be. Sobriety feels really weird to me. Of course, I let myself slide for the New Year and I have to restart now. And I’m okay with that, for once not beating the living shit out of myself for fucking up. But I keep waiting and waiting to return to who I used to be but I can’t find a trace of that girl anymore. I miss writing. I miss having long conversations and clearly conveying my thoughts. I miss passion. I miss having a favorite band. A favorite movie. A favorite song. A favorite book. I know nothing of myself now. I have ruined my brain and my body all in the name of addiction and sadness and I never realized until it was too late. Now I’m just uncomfortable. Sometimes I feel as though opening the door to help was a mistake. Going to the hospital was a mistake. Things got worse and I thought it was supposed to get better. Nevertheless, I am still trying. Trying to get back to myself. Trying to prevail. And that’s more than I can say before.

The universe played a cruel joke on me last night.

Feeling particularly empty and uninterested in becoming fulfilled.