In the 'olden days' I used to be a pretty prolific fanfiction writer, for stuff like CSI, Supernatural, The Mighty Boosh etc. I even moderated the Nick/Greg CSI fanfic Livejournal for a while, I was SO into it all. (You won't find any of those fics on A03, they're not posted there.) I then took a short break from writing, however I soon got back into it and started writing some original stuff plus some The League of Gentlemen/Psychoville/Inside No 9 stuff, which you can find on A03, if you are interested (although why would you be 🙈🤣). Just over 4 years ago I posted a Mr Jelly from Psychoville fic, and after that, I simply lost my mojo.
It wasn't just one thing that caused it. There was my physical health, which, if anything, is still declining. There was also my mental health. That is much more difficult to be concise about. There are good days and bad weeks. In 2023 I lost my Dad, so I also deal with the grief from that, plus the PTSD from being the one to hold him, all by myself, as he died. Also in 2023 I dealt with suicidal ideation, which still crops back up occasionally.
My mum has Alzheimers, so I deal with the grief from that every fucking day.
And I also deal with the grief of having a chronic illness, and unless you live with that yourself, it's something you'll never understand.
Anyway, that's all just a shitty way of saying I have been struggling a LOT with my mental health and somehow writing just never felt like it reached the top of the list of priorities of 'things to get done today'.
There was also the ratherwonderful incident of a League of Gentlemen 'struggle' account on twitter coming across my Mr Jelly fic and linking it, then ripping it to shreds about how 'absolutely disgusting' it was. So that was fun times and really made me not want to write or share anything I'd written in case that absolute bullshit happened again. It's difficult enough putting yourself out there without an account singling out your work for ridicule.
Anyway, it has been 4 years since I have written anything or have had the motivation to write anything.
However, a while ago I recently started watching BL 'vertical dramas'. My very first one was called 'Straight until he kissed me'. I saw the advert on Tik Tok and I got drawn in, mostly because the main actor, Evan Gambardella, was so fucking cute. He had these massive big blue eyes and the cutest smile. It also starred Greg Duffy. One thing about BL dramas is that you can't get hurt by queerbaiting, which is something I've grown so bloody sick of in regular, mainstream programming. In BL, you know they will get together ❤️ (and the actors are queer too 😊😍).
Then a few weeks ago I saw an advert for a new vertical starring Evan, so I wanted to check it out, because I think he's just adorable. It's called 'Tutoring my rival boy' on Reelshorts.
That's when I discovered Evan's co-star in this, the gorgeous Sky Kawai. And went on to watch the other three verticals Sky has been in, Poolboy, Waterboy (both co-starring the beautiful Declan Clifford) and One night stand with my Father's killer. (Sky also has a small part in Ryan Murphy's recent 'The Beauty')
Tutoring my rival boy has ended up becoming something of a comfort watch for me, and - much to my complete shock and surprise - it has actually awoken my muse!!! I have been WRITING again!! 😲 I'm currently working on a piece that acts as a 'companion buffer' to work around either side of a scene in this vertical.
It's probably not great and OH MY GOD I am rusty as FUCK when it comes to actually writing (it has been over 4 years, after all, it's like moving any muscle after not doing so for a while) but I'm still shocked at myself that I'm actually doing it!! I only started a few days ago and already I just hit 5000 words! (This post is gonna hit that if I don't shut up, lol).
I don't know if I will post it when I'm done, hopefully I will like it enough to (and if anyone wants to read it!) But it just feels good to be doing something again. 🥹
So thank you Evan, thank you Sky, thank you everyone at Reelshort who made Tutoring my rival boy. I owe you everything. ❤️
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