signs of afterlife part 1
My mother died last month. It seems like yesterday, but also like an eternity ago. Grief is a weird thing. I didn’t expect it to be like this.
My best friend lost her mother a couple years ago, and at that point, me and my mother had long phone conversations about what I would do when it was my turn to deal with that harsh reality. I feel like she prepared me the best she could, because she knew I would be shattered.
“I just don’t know what I’m going to do without you, Mom.”
“You’ll have a hard time, that’s for sure. But I will always be around. I will always be listening.”
Me, with my analytic brain, begged for clarity.
“But how do I know that? How will I know you will be there? Can we have a specific thing, like a butterfly or something?”
The moment she passed away, I felt her INSIDE me. I felt closer to her. I think that a year or so I started bracing myself for this loss, because her health and mind declined. I distanced myself from the hurt of losing her, because even though she was “here,” she wasn’t my mom most of the time. More on that another time. When she died, I didn’t feel empty like I thought. I felt her in my heart.
That night after she died, I went on the trampoline in the backyard. I usually find peace out there at night, the sound of the crickets.. a car every once in a while.. looking up at the stars. She knew I loved the stars.
As I stared into the night sky, a small owl landed on the branch above me. It watched me for a few minutes. I cried.
Of course.. I am an atheist. At least agnostic. I don’t know what is out there and I won’t pretend to know. But I know I don’t believe in Christianity, or organized religion. I thought it was maybe a coincidence.
The next day I laid in bed all day. I binged West World to get my mind to stop thinking about her. How she was gone.
Around 6pm, I got the urge to walk the dog. I stepped outside at a random time, went down a random road I never take, and a small owl flew across the road in front of me and landed on the tree to my left. I stared at it for what seemed like an eternity.
I sat on the porch the next day. I heard a scratching. We have metal blinds on the front of our house. I small finch had landed in between two of the blinds. It looked at me. I said hi. It flew away.
She’s within me. She’s all around me. And she choose birds.
