Cybermess♥

If you do, you’ll end up at all the Renaissance fairs. I’ll wear Medieval dresses and quote every line from Hamlet because I can and embarrass you until you start checking your watch every three minutes.

You will end up in every hole-in-the-wall book store, choking on dust in the poetry section. I will get us stranded in the rain and in the middle of nowhere, and refuse to let you look at your maps until the sun goes down and we’ve wandered long enough under the stars.

You will have to suffer my dreams, and my delusions. I’ll stand on chairs so I’m tall enough to slay dragons. I’ll hide away in my room a lot, researching the history of castles and how much it would cost us to wake up one morning and fly straightaway to Iceland. When I’m writing, you might not see me for days. My sleeping hours will never be consistent.

You’ll figure out that I don’t believe it is possible to love things too much. When something interests me, I will talk your ear off about it until you start counting sheep in your head. I will run down my hallways in my socks and play movie soundtracks at maximum volume. I will lie awake for hours curled under your arm and I will make you stay up all night with me when the sky is clear and there are hot chocolate packets in the cupboards. I will laugh at almost everything because yes, the world is terrible, but it is also beautiful and incomprehensible and very, very funny. I will create things and I will destroy things. I will eat breakfast on the floor in my sweat pants and tie my hair up without brushing it.

One day I’ll cut it all off. One day I’ll get a tattoo. I’ll make myself look ridiculous, sometimes. And I will say the wrong things, frequently. I’ll play devil’s advocate a lot and I’ll bother the universe with questions because there are things I just have to know. Some days I’ll seem to have my entire life figured out and then, just when you think I’m alright, I’ll spend an entire day eating ice cream and sobbing over nothing, and everything.

Sometimes I’ll be selfish and sometimes I’ll be aloof and sometimes I’ll be restless, and sometimes I’ll pretend to be apathetic about the things that hurt me. Sometimes I’ll run from the things I’m most afraid of.

And so sometimes I’ll plan thousands of adventures for us to go on and then forget about every single one the moment your hand catches mine. I’ll forget your birthday. I will. I’m sorry. I’ll forget your birthday and I’ll forget our anniversary every single year and I’ll forget the name of your mother’s sister who always sends us gifts but I will never forget the story you tell me about the first blonde-haired blue-eyed girl who broke your heart and I will never forget what makes you smile.

Do not fall in love with me.

If you do, I will be an aurora borealis that is only beautiful now and again if you trudge through hours of storm and snow to get to me.

But if you get there, I promise you

I promise you I promise you I promise you:

It is a terribly sad thing to fall in love while you are fragile. You try to tip toe into their arms instead of race like you did the last time. You try your hardest to fight off the love that is rushing your way, but you know this is a battle you won’t win. You want love, you need love, but you realize part of you has, for whatever reason, lost hope.

Isn’t it so ironic that the most beautiful thing, love, can be tainted by your past? See, when someone breaks your heart so tremendously, it sticks around for a little while. The strong need to make correlations is innate to humans. Somehow we manage to correlate heartache with love. The most painful thing somehow cozies up to the loveliest thing imaginable. It is a true injustice that this terrible connection can come about so often.

You spend days, weeks, months or even years trying to rewire your head and your heart, and train yourself to properly love again. You want to get inside of your brain and make the proper connections with your own two hands. You are like a car-crash survivor that needs time to heal until they step foot into a car again. Regardless of the process, each day, you progress — however slowly, you heal.

On the surface, you are cool and calm while your heart cries a little on the inside. You try to give all of yourself day after day, but your mind tells you stop. Every day you are in a constant fight with yourself to trust the new love you have found.

There is hope for these delicate souls who want love. One day, a light will shine down. You’re going to find love again. Better yet, you’re going to bask in it. One day, you will take an ounce of courage and try to love again.

Your new love will see you with all of your flaws and scoop you into their arms — they will help you feel safe again. You will appreciate them for being there while you were retraining your brain to trust love. You will curl up with them under the covers and hold them in a way you never have before because you are a survivor. You’ve healed and you have ventured into the world of love again.

Yan din ung sinabi ko sa sarili ko noon. Na kung mahal ko, edi ipaglalaban ko. Di ako susuko. Na baka pag nakita niya na hindi ako umalis sa tabi niya kahit ilang beses na niya ko pinagtabuyan, bigla siyang matauhan. Bigla siyang bumalik sakin. Kaso sa tagal ng panahon na nakakapit ka lang sa taong matagal ka ng binitawan at matagal nading nakakapit sa iba, mapapagod ka nalang din eh. Na kahit gaano mo pa siya kagustong mahalin, susuko ka nalang. Maiisip mo na hindi mo deserve ung ganong klase ng pagmamahal. Na merong iba pa dyan na kayang mahalin ka higit pa sa hinihingi mo. Merong iba dyan na hindi ka iiwan, hindi ka kayang saktan at hindi ka ipagpapalit kahit kailan. Ang kailangan mo lang, buksan ung mga mata mo at pag-aralang mahalin muna ang sarili mo. Hindi pwedeng wala kang ititira at lahat ibubuhos mo lang sakanya. Kasi sa huli, ikaw lang din naman ang maiiwan mag-isa. Ikaw lang ang masasaktan. Sarili mo lang ang karamay mo sa lahat.