A Fresh Start
That’s all what we want from life sometimes right? A fresh start. To begin again. A new job, move somewhere new, a new apartment/house. Right now that what I’m doing with my Tumblr. I’m rebranding and making it my own. I’m gonna be more active on here and post more! Not just shares from my Instagram, but ACTUAL BLOG POSTS! WHAAAAATTTTTT!?!? Craig you crazy! You might say but I’ve gone through a lot of shit and I really don’t have an outlet to vent to except my wife but I don’t wanna be a broken record with her. So I’ll probably pop up on here occasionally and bitch about my anxiety, depression, people I cant fucking stand. You know normal Tumblr things. No one I know really follows me on here anyway and if they do they don’t actually read my shit. I like it that way honestly. I can be myself and be an open book instead of hiding behind a persona that I’ve grown to hate and show people the real me. The me no one knows about.
I struggle with Anxiety and Depression. I know who doesn’t these days, but I’m not ashamed of it and I try to not let it define me. I am going to get help though. It’s gotten real bad over the last year and it time to stop thinking I have to control it on my own. I guess I’ve always had these but I would just repress them over the years. My wife has told me I’ve been this way pretty much as long as she’s known me. Every now and then I get glimpses of memories where I’m freaking out and shes by my side comforting me and making sure I’m ok, or staying up with me on the phone through a panic attack until I fell asleep. So yeah just one thing can break you and now I’m fully aware that I need help. I need to get this thing under control before it really starts interfering with my everyday life. I mean it already has and I hate it. I’m already an introvert and again my mom told me I never was but I remember spending all my time in my room alone or with one or two friends. I never had a big group of friends. I kept my circle small. I was never one to invite the whole fucking school over for anything but again I not an introvert its all in my head. My circle of friends is still small. Actually smaller now since my friendship only really matters to a select few now. But that’s a different blog post. So back to what I was actually talking about, I’m getting help. I wanna be the best father to my beautiful, intelligent daughter. Who is seriously the best and its sad that no one actually sees how amazing she really is. I wanna be the best husband to my incredible supportive wife who always has my back when I seem to not have my own back. I already feel like I fucked up as a son and a human being with my parents. I mean I’m 30 years old and I feel like I still need to win their approval for something. So my goal is to become better for MY family. No one else but them. They are my rock and will always be there for me. My daughter already knows when I’m feeling bad and it kinda bothers me. But then at the same time I’m so happy she knows because she knows a hug and kiss from her always makes daddy feel better. So when I feel I don’t have anyone those two know how to pick me up and make me feel semi normal again.
So here’s to my soon to be new normal! I can’t wait to get these damn chemicals back in balance in my brain so I stop feeling like a fucking failure because I’m sad or I’m worried and anxious that I am in fact a failure at life. Luckily I’ve never been in my lowest of lows and I plan to never be that low that’s why I’m trying to nip this thing in the bud now. I was never one to go n medication for this kind of thing but I’ve seen how it has helped people and how they’ve done a complete 180 with everything so now I’m more open and I feel good about doing this and helping myself become a better person!
