Judge

By entering these chambers, you acknowledge that:

* This is a parody account.

* Posts are made for humor and entertainment.

* Court cases, allegations, and verdicts are all very real legal proceedings.

* if you can’t laugh then get out.

Now that the disclaimer has been entered into the record, court is officially in session. Proceed with laughter accordingly.

Today, the prosecution brings forth a most serious charge against the defendant, Mr. Luke Newton: being a certified pussy ass bitch by posting pictures of himself and Tooch AND tagging her in the post

No cause literally wth

Newton- I thought it was time to let the world know

KNOW WHAT EXACTLY??? THAT YOU REMEMBERED YOUR INSTA PASSWORD? THAT YOU DO KNOW HER NAME AFTER HOW MANY YEARS??

Newton- I wanted privacy

OHHHHHHH right right the privacy from all your fans so you be posting her to your close friends on insta with only 2.7 mil yeah that makes sense

Newton- listen iykyk

DONT YOU FUCKIN DARE TELL ME IYKYK

YOUR HONOR HES BEING A LITERAL BITCH IN THE COURT HOW IS HE NOT GUILTY

No more lingo Mr newton.

Newton- sorry, I’m still in my hot boy summer

OH MY GOD YOUR HONOR HES LITERALLY LISTENING TO MY THOUGHTS- MOTION TO BAN HIM FROM HIS PHONE??????

Granted- Newton no more screen time

Newton- don’t talk to me like a child

WELL YOU ALLEGEDLY ARE DATING A CHILD SO IF THE SHOE FITS

anyways evidence 753C clearly shows he’s a pussy ass bitch for finally acknowledging tooch

The prosecution alleges that Mr. Newton with his Edward Cullen lookin ass has been observed with an alarming amount of free time- evidence 78F . Questions have been raised regarding his whereabouts during standard business hours and whether his calendar contains anything beyond Cyprus.

Mr Newton how tf are you paying your bills?

Luke- well you see Bridgerton S3 did really well.

LMAO you expect me to believe Shonda mf rhimes didn’t keep all that?? IN FACT I THINK, SHONDA PAYING YOU TO LIVE IN CYPRUS FOR WHAT SEEMS TO BE 2 YEARS NOW

Luke- that’s ridiculous 👀

AND HOW CONVENIENT A BLIND ITEM DROPPED TODAY THAT ONE COULD SAY IS POSSIBLY ABOUT YOU VACATIONING

Mr newton if you aren’t getting money to be there how are you able to be around all those slimy people?? How are you affording to provide for your family? Childcare even?

Luke- well my wife is the breadwinner which is fitting cause she just did a butter commercial

AHHH HA- who just did a butter commercial you might ask?? NICOLA MF COUGHLAN

JUDGE GET THIS MR WORLDWIDE YAPPING ASS OUT MY FACE (big fan btw)

After carefully reviewing the evidence submitted for today’s scheduled court case, I have reached a disappointing but necessary conclusion:

There will be no trial today.

The Court takes all allegations, accusations, screenshots, hearsay, dramatic retellings, and “trust me bro” statements seriously. However, upon examination, the evidence presented has been found to be insufficient for my Scorpio ass,

As a result, the court cannot in good aura proceed with today’s case.

I understand many of you were looking forward to the proceedings, and I apologize for any inconvenience this cancellation may cause. The court remains committed to fair and impartial chaos, and we cannot hand down judgments without evidence that meets our highly questionable legal standards.

Should new and compelling and unblurry evidence emerge, the case may be reconsidered at a later date.

Until then, all charges are hereby dismissed from today’s docket, and everyone is free to return to their regularly scheduled gossip.

- The prosecution alleges a carefully orchestrated publicity campaign. The defense argues authentic feelings beyond the headlines. With exhibits ranging from suspicious timing to social media breadcrumbs, the jury is hereby called to deliberate.

Mr. Newton be so for real, evidence 56C clearly shows you looking deadass into the camera. How do you expect the jury to believe you just happend to see that camera iPhone in a busy ass restaurant??

Newton: idk man I was just told to be there

OH SO NOW YOU SAYING THIS WAS PLANNED???

Newton: no I-

SO GLAD YOU SAID THAT, EVIDENCE 36A YOUR HONOR- THIS TT ACCOUNT WAS ACTUALLY TRACED BACK AND SEEMS TO KNOW TOOCHES BESTFRIEND EVE. BUT IM SURE ITS JUST A COINCIDENCE RIGHT…. 🤨

Newton: plead the fifth

YOUR HONOR THIS MAN REALLY THINKS WE DUMB- MOTION TO SLAP HIM???

Now now now the jury must decide if this was pre planned or its all a coincidence but I’ll be honest Mr newton, it’s not looking great

FURTHER MORE YOUR HONOR- THE GIRL HE WITH CRINGY

Wrong court case prosecutor-

Shit my b, some my files got mixed up

Evidence: “Nicola” in the handle

Repercussions of such crime drags hate to poor ms. coughlan when said account dictates how other fans should act and or feel. So as the court proceeds with hearings “maincharacternicola” will have a class in behavioral education and be blocked from speaking in the courts.

• trial in session as the people accuse ms. coughlan of being a liar with her pants on fire as she posts evidence 32A on instagram.

Ms. coughlan you’ve previously stated that your Instagram is strictly business and in fact you only download the app when you need to post something business related, is that correct?

Yes.

Right right right that’s what I thought. SO THEN WHY POST AN IG STORY OF YOUR BOYFRIENDS BOYFRIEND HUH?? OH IS IT BECAUSE YOU GET A CUT OF THEIR EARNINGS?? OR ARE THEY BUYING AD SPACE FOR A SPOT ON YOUR STORY?? WHICH IS IT

ummmm

YEAH YOU THINK ABOUT THAT REAL HARD, no further questions your honor.

Great the jury has heard the people plead their case and will make a decision in the comments 👇🏼