What I could never say.

Better yet why do I feel like you want something from me at all?

I haven’t heard from you in months and yet once a week that thought will cross my mind.

Just standing across the city whispering to the wind?

Tugging on the soul tie?

If you are…

There was no labels, no title to justify this ache in my soul.

You weren’t mine, not really

But you asked me to move in and you thought about me in the houses you were looking at and how you could give me a space that was mine and asked me to leave a toothbrush.

You weren’t mine and I didn’t need labels because you sent me love songs and told my friends about me and told me over and over that you were sure

You talked about how we had wasted so much time with the wrong ones that no we weren’t moving to fast.

You weren’t mine, not really

But I got attached anyway, built a home out of the bricks I took down from the walls I had built over my lifetime, and for a moment, I wasn’t thinking about how people leave because I was sure

And then you left, you waited till I had no defences left, till I took off the vest and then you pulled the trigger.

And I lay here with this hole in my chest, wondering how I got here, how I could be so stupid.

And maybe you played me, a beautiful captivating soul crushing melody, but you played yourself too

You sit there across the bar from me,

Two strangers right?

Two people that have never shared a thing,

Not one moment, not one kiss, not one late night.

Just two strangers…

What do you want me to say when there is so much to say and yet nothing at all,

And we’re just two strangers now,

Except you can see it in your eyes and I can feel it in my chest,

That knowing that we weren’t strangers once.

Once, you shared moments, and kisses, laughter, stories.

You shared my bed and you held my heart

But we’re just two strangers now,

I had it shrunk so small I almost forgot it was there.

I did, most days..

Like a pit in my stomach,

Don’t look at it, don’t acknowledge it.

Head down, ignore it.

I made the mistake and now it’s hungry, consuming

So I fill it with adrenaline.

Blurring speeds,

Jumping from planes,

New heights

And new expierences

And it works;

for a minute, for a moment

Not loudly,

Not noticeably,

But something in me died when you left.

Like a rot in my roots,

Buried below the surface.

You can’t see it,

But I can feel it spread.

You broke something in me,

It claws at my chest;

Rips the air from my lungs.

I still hesitate, still pause, but I keep scrolling through

And I would still drop everyone on the “roster”.

I laugh at that because there hasn’t been a roster.

There’s no line up,

It’s still you in my head.

I’m still yours,

So how can I start something new?

And I would drop everyone for you, and yet I wouldn’t run back

Because somewhere along the line I found my self respect,

But in my head I still belong to you.

I can’t give my heart away when you still hold it.

But I stopped reading your horoscope.

I deleted the texts.

And I still belong to you,

If you put me in a room with all those I’ve loved

It would be you my eyes would search for,

It would be you my heart would skip for,

It would be you I’d run too.

But I don’t think it would be me that you would run too.

And perhaps that’s because you’re the last love lost,

Or maybe because it was real and true.

I guess I’ll find out in 10 years time after I’ve loved someone after you, after I let myself open up to someone new,

The ones that held a piece of my heart

And I swore…

I guess they did,

Like writing on a wall.

They carved their name in and I remember them fondly,

With appreciation for the lessons learned.

But I don’t remember their touch on my skin.

I don’t remember their voice,

I don’t remember their eyes.

You,

The loss of you feels different,

Heavier, off balance.

Deeper than my chest.

There was no pain, no heartbreak

Just grief.

Just the feeling of moving forward when I don’t really believe you’re gone.

It doesn’t feel real most days, like I’ll come home and you’ll be greeting me at the door

It’s been months and it has yet to fade.

But grief is different than heart break in a way,

Your heart stops bleeding eventually,

But I want too.

I want to wake up and not have you on my mind,

I want to fall asleep not thinking about you.

I don’t want to question what went wrong,

Or wonder what it would’ve been like if it worked out.

I don’t hate you,

But I want too.

Hate is easier,

It’s vicious and mean,

And doesn’t weigh so heavily on my chest.

It’s protective.

I don’t hate you,

But I want too.

I want to wake up and know you weren’t the one,

Not wonder if you’re the one that got away.

Not wonder if I’ll wonder 10 years from now,

Not wonder if I’ll feel like this 10 years from now,

Like a piece is missing somewhere in my chest.

I don’t hate you,

But damn

I thought I was done, I’d found it.

The one that gets written about,

By poets and song writers and movies.

The good one after the bad ones.

The one that makes it all worth it,

I thought it all finally worked out.

And then you walked away, on a random Tuesday

I wanted it to be you,

But I’ll never beg someone to stay.

You made your choice, and forced my hand too

And I think a part of me will always belong to you

Some days I miss you quieter.

In passing moments, in the silence.

The way you long for a cozy sweater on a cold night.

And in both the only thing that could make it stop… is you.

So I swallow the scream, I shake off the chill

And I keep going

My first response is to laugh,

But I hold it inside, smile and say “yea I’m fine”.

“Are you okay?”

My first thought is “no, but I will be”

But I hold it inside, smile and say”yea I’m good”.

Because I’m not not okay.

But how do I say

A piece of me is missing?

The piece that held love, laughter and joy?

How do I say my soul is cold, dark and damp

Because you dumped ice water on my spark again?

The one I had just found again,

That I had planted flowers in the garden of my soul just to have them all ripped up while I wasn’t looking and now I’m just staring at the wreckage contemplating where to start again.

I’m not not okay,

I just need a minute..

To pause, to evaluate, recalculate

Though she’ll never admit it.

You broke her,

In a way she’s never been broken before.

You lit the spark in her chest,

Fed the fire to blaze again

And then you dumped a bucket of ice water on it.

And now she sits there as the chill seeps in

Staring at the pit as the heat seeps off her skin.

Gave her hope and love and showed her kind eyes.

You coaxed her out and let her run amuck,

Got her smile back.

And then you walked out the door

And that light in her eyes dimmed once more.

She might be out of her cage,

But she’s not running free,

She’s just locked inside of the house now,

Instead of just a cell.

Because I locked her away for a reason,

To keep her little heart safe from hearts like yours.

The kind that were shattered like glass, cutting ones who try to put it back, who bleed into all that is light and good.

Too good.

Until you.

I was good at being alone,

You could find me dancing in my apartment,

Content to take myself out for dinner.

Do whatever, whenever I want.

But what I want now.. is you.

To be curled up on the couch watching a movie with you.

To hold your hand while we sleep because it’s to hot to cuddle.

To tease you,

To smile and laugh with you.

I want the boring days,

The days where we set each other skin on fire with a glance across a room.

The days that were absolute hell until I hugged you.

I want you.

I was too good at being alone.

Convinced I didn’t need anyone else,

I had my friends, my life, my freedom

I was good. I was happy.

Until you.

I’ll convince myself I don’t need it again,

Act like I don’t.

Carry on like I don’t.

You might even catch my dancing in my apartment again.

But there will always be a tiny voice in the back of my head whispering

I should’ve played the role of protective father with my own heart,

Cause we both know my dad never did.

And I’ve never had someone to protect me, so I’ve had to do it myself.

But I guess a boy with bright eyes that says all the right things is my down fall.

That’s my bad though right?

That I believed the words that came out of your mouth, the ones you backed up with your actions time and time again just to say “never mind”

That’s on me though right?

Did you mean to pull a trojan horse ?

Did you mean to break down my walls just to leave me defenceless?

Did you say hello that first time intending to walk away?

Was it your goal all along ?

Because you knew, you knew you were and how hard it was for me to let someone in.

You stood outside the gate, patient and kind only to set it all ablaze when I finally let you through.

And you did so quicker than anyone, gained my trust, my heart..