Quotes From Springfield

Homer: “Who’s ready for more cured meats?”

Bart: “Me!”

Lisa: “I’m a vegetarian, so I’ll take vegetarian meats!”

Maggie: *Sucking on pacifier.*

Marge: “Maybe our rampant gluttony and greed has lead us down a dangerous path that locked us out of heaven for eternity.”

Lisa: “Mom I’m a buddhist, I’ll just reincarnate when I die!”

Marge: “Perhaps some mind-numbing television will help me forget that half of the town is missing?”

TV: “The answers you seek may be more tangible than you first expected.”

Marge: “And how!”

TV: “They may not be gone forever.”

Ned: “It just gets harder and harder every day, Homer.”

Homer: “I just can’t understand, Ned. You’re the most holy man I know, and somehow god missed you?”

Ned: “I’m as puzzled as you are, my friend.”

Homer: “Don’t you think something’s up?”

Ned: “Well, the lord works in mysterious ways… but I truly am at a loss for words. I even forgave you for killing one of my sons.”

Homer: “Allegedly.”

Ned: “R-right.. allegedly. A-anyways, I’ve been mulling the options around in my head, and… I’m scared, Homer. Quite frankly, nothing I can do now will bring my poor Rod back. There’s nothing I can do to join him, or Todd, Maude, or Edna. If god doesn’t deem me worthy of the rapture, then there’s no way death will get me there.”

Homer: “There has to be some way to explain the seemingly random selection of people… there just has to be.”

Ned: “I don’t think there ever will be, Homer. Thank you for being here for me at my lowest.”

Dr. Nick: “Hi, everybody!”

All: “Hi, Dr. Nick!”

Dr. Nick: “It looks like everyone’s adjusting to post-rapture life well!”

Homer: “The plant just feels so empty these days. In fact, the entire town seems barren and lifeless! What’s going on?”

Lenny: “Homer, often times the monotony of day-to-day life can blind us to the true beauty of the world around us. Perhaps this emptiness you feel is the result of you being so focused on your career that you haven’t stopped to smell the roses lately? Maybe if you took a little time out of your day to go outside and listen to the birds sing, or the wind whistle through the trees, then you won’t think that things are so bleak?”

Homer: “Good thinking, Lenny! Though, it’s odd… where has everyone been lately? Is there some sort of virus going around?”

Carl: “Maybe it was that rapture?”

Homer: “Oh yeah, the rapture!”

Lenny: “It truly is a shame we weren’t able to join the others…”

Homer: “Aren’t you two buddhists?”

Carl: “Well yeah, but we can still miss people!”

Homer: “Oh yeah! Silly me!”

Carl: “It’s okay, Homer! Little misunderstandings like that are no big deal. After all, all we have left on earth are those who weren’t taken up to Heaven. We should all be nicer to each other!”

Bart: “I miss Milhouse, man.”

Professor Frink: “The Chinese room argument holds that a computer executing a program cannot have a mind, understanding, or consciousness, regardless of how intelligently or human-like the program may make the computer behave. The argument was presented in a 1980 paper by the philosopher John Searle entitled "Minds, Brains, and Programs" and published in the journal Behavioral and Brain Sciences. Similar arguments had been made by Gottfried Wilhelm Leibniz (1714), Ned Block (1978) and others. Searle's version has been widely discussed in the years since. The centerpiece of Searle's argument is a thought experiment known as the Chinese room.

“The argument is directed against the philosophical positions of functionalism and computationalism, which hold that the mind may be viewed as an information-processing system operating on formal symbols, and that simulation of a given mental state is sufficient for its presence. Specifically, the argument is intended to refute a position Searle calls the strong AI hypothesis: "The appropriately programmed computer with the right inputs and outputs would thereby have a mind in exactly the same sense human beings have minds."

“Although its proponents originally presented the argument in reaction to statements of artificial intelligence (AI) researchers, it is not an argument against the goals of mainstream AI research because it does not show a limit in the amount of intelligent behavior a machine can display. The argument applies only to digital computers running programs and does not apply to machines in general. While widely discussed, the argument has been subject to significant criticism and remains controversial among philosophers of mind and AI researchers.”

Marge: “How does this explain why half the town disappeared?”

Professor Frink: “Oh you wanted to know that? Yeah, that was the rapture.”

Marge: “Oh. Why didn’t you get taken?”

Professor Frink: “Scientists don’t go to heaven. We know too much.”

Marge: “Oh… well, what about my family and I?”

Professor Frink: “You’re all accomplices to the murder of Todd Flanders.”

Grandpa: “It is not the strongest species that survive, nor the most intelligent, but the most responsive to change.”

Bart: “Wow, grandpa, I never knew!”

Sideshow Bob: “Why did we ever fight, Bart? All because you solved the Krusty case forever ago? Is that really why I’ve wanted to kill you for so long?”

Bart: “Kinda, yeah…”

Sideshow Bob: “I see now. Boy, do I feel silly. I apologize for terrorizing you and your family, Bart. I am truly, deeply sorry.”

Bart: “I’m glad you’ve seen the error of your ways, Bob! Is there anything else you’d like to talk about?”

Sideshow Bob: “With a lot of people in Springfield now gone, it’s making it difficult to procure my testosterone.”

Bart: “You’re transgender?”

Sideshow Bob: “You never knew?”

Bart: “No!”

Sideshow Bob: “I’m glad you’re not mad…”

Lisa: “Mom, I’m scared of the dark! What if a monster comes out to get me?”

Marge: “Don’t worry, sweetie. The only monsters out there are people who commit acts of harm unto others. And to deal with them, your father installed a state-of-the-art security system to slice them to ribbons with lasers!”