Utited

“yea so im guessing you wanna know the area and stuff right” Jake asked, stacking up the invitation letters. “yup !! got kidnapped once and i won't be doing that again !!” Damon explained weirdly happily, making the punk give him an odd look. “you what”

“got kidnapped by hexa agents !! :-))” The new recruit repeated. Ace entered the room, putting a switchblade into their pocket. “like, which branch?” “oh they were a hideous shade of green, if that helps !!” Damon replied, playing with a knife. “You got kidnapped by the plant department…?” Nova asked as she put down her Nintendo 3DS™.

“absolutely !! apparently, it was because my grandpa's plants were ‘unusual’ and ‘a threat to moroz's delicate fauna,’ which was quite stupid because he was just growing some strawberries.” Damon elaborated. Rachel stepped into the room and slammed the door shut, her face looking slightly like shit. “alright you gay fucks, let's rock!”

“Oh, that's Rachel… she ate a cockroach once because I dared her to…” Nova stated quietly to Damon. “uh… cool.” “chop chop, bitches!” The lesbian yelled out, honking the horn as she waited for them. “got all the invites right” Jake asked. “uuuuuuhhhhhh yep, all… 32 of them.” Ace confirmed, shoving the letters into a pouch and carrying it.

The three made their way into the truck, and for some reason Nova sneaked in a KitKat bar. “that's everyone, right?” Rachel asked, her head craning from her seat as she counted the passengers repeatedly, each time getting more and more confused. “henderson's sleeping, and i didn't wanna wake her up to bring her along.” Ace said, already knowing who the girl was looking for. “oh. okay.”

Damon watched as Ace pulled out a map about three feet wide. “Which base're we visiting first?” Nova asked her best friend as she hid behind the map to sneakily consume the snack. The newbie internally judged her as she took a bite from both bars at once. “your favorite.” Ace replied jokingly as they giggled. “furniture bandits, huh?” Rachel yelled out in a mocking tone. “I Am Such A Victim Right Now” Nova struggled out, burying her face into her hands.

“what about 'em?” Damon asked, visibly confused. “oh, so nova here–” Ace started, only to be interrupted by a large palm to the face. “ow–” “Just a misunderstanding is all!” “nova has a cruuush~” Rachel added, angering her slightly. “omg she does?? she didn't tell me!” “Shut up–” “nova likes wrenchhead~”

Damon sighed. “wrenchhead, the one that has a wrench for a head, wrenchhead ??” He asked. “NO!” “whatever, man, you're not alone. not our fault they're so cute.” He confessed in shame. “why does everybody have a crush on wrenchhead now????” Ace asked in fear. “It's the voice…” “i was thinking of wrenchhead ii, who didn't have a voice and communicated through hitting things with tools. idk just found it kinda hot.” Damon explained. “Oh, it's Wrenchhead IV for me.”

“the one that has pet hamsters ??” The former nomad asked. “Yes…” “why would anyone like wrenchhead 4.. that's like the niall of the furniture bandits.” Ace stated bravely. “Coming from someone with a crush on goddamn Macklemore.” Nova revealed, making her friend screech internally. “I DO NOT BELIEVE THAT HE IS UNATTRACTIVE. THAT IS ALL.” Ace clarified, slamming their hands together. “okay, now, that's just being supportive of gay rights.” Rachel said.

“finally, someone understands me.” Ace sighed, folding the map. A long silence was born, making the atmosphere a little awkward. “anybody here like pyramid head ??” Damon asked, receiving no response. “damn, ok.”

The four arrived at their first destination, a large warehouse that proved to be the home of the Furniture Bandits, a friendly gang who spends their time either raiding abandoned places for furniture or building their own.

Like most groups in the area, the bandits elect (writing this on nov 3 i hope that fucker doesn't win) a leader who organises their work. The Furniture Bandits are commanded by what they call a ‘Wrenchhead.’ A wrenchhead really just sets the aesthetics down for the group, meaning each era they spend under a new leader produces wildly different types of furniture.

Why a group of bandits got together to build furniture and steal, that's the mystery.

Rachel parked the truck near the entrance and exited the vehicle. The others followed suit. “should i tell wrenchhead–” Rachel teased. “No,” Nova spat out, frowning. A small group of the bandits approached the four, one of them holding a bunch of papers. Seeing this, Ace chaotically went to grab the invitation letters and held them out to them.

“Would'ja like to enter the group?! Got two free slots left for woodworking, three for secret doors!” A bandit yelled out; definitely new. “sir, thanks and all, but our group's literally associates with yours, so…” Rachel stated disappointedly. “yeah, jake sent you guys some invitations for the new recruits' party. so like.” Ace added, waving the papers. “Oh. Okay,” The bandit said, awkwardly accepting them.

“thanks, guys!” Rachel shouted out, entering her pickup truck. “next stop, the stalkers.” She mumbled, driving away. “THE STALKERS?!” Damon yelled out to the group in excitement-slash-horror. “you guys are friends with that super creepy group ??” Ace cleared their throat while they shot a look at Rachel. “well,”

“remember henderson, the tall girl that was sitting in the living room with you?” Rachel asked. “well, she was temporarily in a group with me, and, well, a former hexa scientist. called it the ‘main four.’ some anime reference.” She elaborated, “eventually, we joined forces with the skullsmashers, and the others founded the stalkers. the scientist's background helped them a lot with their work.”

Damon's eyes widened. “you were not only in a group with a former hex, but also with stalkers ??” He asked in awe. “uh, yeah, also, i mean, jake would be mad at me for saying this, but–” Ace said mischievously. “… He dated a ringleader. Ever heard of them?” Nova continued, smirking. “no” He replied disappointingly.

“Well, the ringleaders are usually a top group's best associates.” Said Nova. “They're a council; their group's got an active hexa traitor, two mad scientists married to each other, a hitman, a dragon tamer, a himbo, a two-thousand-year-old ghost…” “Basically, they're pretty cool…” She explained, taking a bite out of a chocolate bar. “how…??” Damon asked, still confused.

“you know how new assassins hold those super grand parties where a LOT of hitman groups attend and they wanna recruit the guy?” Ace asked. “no” “well, they do, and back when jake–” “like, jake went to andre's party, and shit happened, and they dated for a bit!” They explained. “our group leader dated an assassin ??” Damon asked in fear. “yeah, but not one of the weird ones. ringleaders do background checks for their clients! sometimes, if the client's a shitbag, they'll end up mysteriously dead!” Rachel said happily. “scoran,” She grumbled under her breath.

“okay…” Damon concluded as they arrived at a dirty alleyway. “please don't tell me this is the stalkers' base, man.” He said, looking outside the window. “Just their most inconspicuous tunnel exit yet…” Nova said, pointing to a stack of hay. “Who the hell puts hay in an alley?!”

Ace cautiously exited the truck, tightly holding the invitations. They slowly walked towards the hay, tossed it near a dumpster and quickly ran right back to the vehicle. “RAT!!! THERE WAS A RAT GO GO GO” They commanded, hiding in fear from the rodent.

The next location for them to visit was located in Chalkós, a country situated near their base in Koalemos. “Bet 8-Ball's jealous we get to go here…” Nova said with a slight giggle. “i'm guessing this is where the ringleaders are.” Damon muttered, looking outside the window. It was a particularly large mansion in the middle of nowhere; akin to finding a mislocated toy in the produce section of the supermarket.

“yeah, that's andre's house. originally, he lived with us, but ever since he got involved with the ringleaders, he bought himself a nice house.” Rachel explained. “also we could afford some super major renovations in our base thanks to him, so that's cool.” “honestly, i have no idea why he broke up with jake, but it's probably because he didn't want him to get in danger or whatever. kinda miss having him around, though.” She added, exiting the vehicle yet again.

Their last destination was going to be the one that they'd spend the longest in– As Andre was an old friend of theirs, and probably had zero outside contact in a long time, he's much more talkative ever since he moved there. Not much of a downside, though; that man could fill up plot holes like he fi

The doorbell rang and echoed through the house, and the owner came running to the front door.

“HIIIII!!!”

“So… horse morgues are a thing.” Henderson said slowly, processing the information. “they do get murdered a lot” Jake muttered, peeking back into the small morgue to get a final look at the strange… thing. “But why put them into a morgue?” “Like, just throw them into the slaughterhouse and get paid.” She thought, her eyes staring into the horizon. “And Rick and Morty says horse surgeons exist. I googled it and apparently they're called equine surgeons. Also, they have therapy too.” “how do they talk to the therapist” “I have a hay~nxiety dishorseder,”

They stood silently. “henderson” “thats like” “super disrespectful” “some of these horses were probably struggling with mental health issues and werent provided the proper counseling they needed” “oh i forgot to say /j” “Neigh neigh, I have ponyhood trauma.” She struggled out, before breaking out into a loud cackle. “thats so stupid i love it omg” Jake added, giggling.

The two continued to wander around the horse-related place, occasionally stopping to question any strange things. “thats a bigass ball wtf” He muttered, pointing to an exercise ball in a shed. “They headbutt those for fun. It's kinda horrifying if you think about it long enough.” Henderson explained, “Like, an adult human can sit down on one, yet these horses just toss them around with their noses. By that logic, if you weren't careful, a horse can headbutt your butt.” “so lets say someone wants a free seat” “wait no even better”

“lets say youre too short to see whats going on at a concert AND you dont have a seat there” “simply ride a very aggressive horse and youll get like at least ten seats maybe” Jake suggested, his face expressing his joy in finally finding a way to afford concert tickets. “also carrots are like five bucks right” “why dont people do this more” He asked to his new friend. “Horses cost between $1,500 to $3,000. Carrots do cost five bucks, though,” Henderson revealed, the weirdly expensive price making Jake's jaw drop.

“WE COULD FUCKING ROB THESE HORSES HOLY SHIT” He yelled out in a forcibly quiet tone to Henderson, who was also intrigued by the idea. “YEAH!!! I'M GONNA GO GET SOME SADDLES!!!” She shouted back as she raided a nearby shed for supplies, Jake following suit. “So, the plan is, we smash the locks with rocks, then we leash them up to some fencepost, then hopefully we don't get kicked, then we can go ride them and we'll get rich!” “The ‘don't get kicked’ part is extremely important— we can't get rich if we have to pay any hospital bills.”

Jake stared at her. “henderson just wondering if you could explain your experience with horses for a bit” The girl gladly responded, her face beaming radiantly with joy, almost as if she was a factory worker painting watch dials in the early twentieth century. “As a child, I broke my legs from falling off of a horse and almost friggin’ died!” “Then, when I entered middle school, I absorbed a weirdly large amount of horse facts and now I'm here!” “This ranch has awakened my formerly dormant obsession with horses and horse-related things!” “pog”

… Said a hex to the man in front of him, who was struggling to kill the agent's companion. Well really, this whole event was a waste of time: watching people complain endlessly about the lack of commotion going on proved to be a bore for one Andre Newton.

“no no no i literally just commission my friends!!!! we both need the money and when people see one singular person behind it all they tend to hire me!!!” Yelled out Jake, whose shaking hands were trying their best to load a gun. “at least thats what henderson says!!!!” “fuck i accidentally told you her name!!!!” “Well, now I know it's a ‘her,’ so thanks for the intel, Mr. Aronowitz,” Andre casually muttered, the other man yelling in anger again. “my names wa–” “nope nope not telling you that”

A hulking beast punched the door to their hiding room open, his large form covered with blood. “Jacob?!” He shouted out, scouting madly through the bedroom. “I know you're in here!” “I think…” Scoran Prudgedman had been an enemy of Jacob's, and for a long time now. Ever since the hitman received a request to terminate the man's life— and failed to— he's been on The Ringleaders' tail, taking every chance he has to break them down, reducing them all to mere ashes.

the meeting

·

chappter van

Megan Lilith Henderson is about to start interview. Interviewer is Carmen Fickrind, partnered with Asher Newcove. Observers are Adrien Mew Broome, Christie Tetons, Adham Finleyotic. Lead observer is Finnan Goyuck.

INTERVIEW STARTED AT 0834 HOURS

HENDERSON: “Woah, cool floors!”

NEWCOVE nods while FICKRIND pulls out documents relating to HENDERSON'S various offenses to HEXA.

FICKRIND: “Welcome to our first interview, Ms. Henderson. I assume you've already known why you're here, but just as a formality, I'll have to state all the reasons.”

HENDERSON is visibly nervous. NEWCOVE offers her a glass of water by pushing one to her, but she gestures in refusal.

HENDERSON: “There poison in there? That's why my grandma always orders hot drinks, because the poison's cold and stays at the bottom.”

NEWCOVE: “We'll need you to prevent from stating any off-topic subjects, or asking them.”

HENDERSON: “Mean,”

FICKRIND: “Ms. Henderson, I'll need you to confirm if you were the individual who religiously sprayed graffiti on the walls of a HEXA base located in West Los Anghio, Earth.”

HENDERSON: “I kinda forgot. What graffiti?”

NEWCOVE shows HENDERSON a photo taken from an active security camera on said base.

The photo shows an individual resembling HENDERSON spray-painting a graffiti of a pile of faeces in cartoon form, complete with stink lines.

HENDERSON: “Clearly no. My muscles are bigger. See?”

HENDERSON rolls up her sleeves and flexes her right bicep.

FICKRIND: “A simple yes or no was all we needed. I take it your answer is a 'no'?”

HENDERSON: “No,”

HENDERSON: “No, yeah, no,”

HENDERSON: “Yeah to the no.”

NEWCOVE writes down something in his notebook.

FICKRIND: “I should mention that whole 'nothing but the truth' thing. It applies to this interview. If you purposely say something that turns out to be incorrect, you will face time in prison, Ms. Henderson.”

HENDERSON: “They got prison wives?”

FICKRIND: “You mentioned in your alibi that you were sitting in your room staring at the wall for three hours at the time of the crime, which was 12:38 a.m..”

FICKRIND: “Do you normally do that?”

HENDERSON: “Who doesn't? It's a neat wall.”

NEWCOVE: “We found security camera footage of you walking from a craft store at 6:20 p.m. on the same day.”

HENDERSON: “Okay?”

NEWCOVE: “With a can of spray paint. Brown spray paint. The color of the spray paint used for the graffiti.”

HENDERSON: “That wasn't me, that was Patricia.”

FICKRIND: “Is Patricia the one you were seen exiting the craft store with?”

HENDERSON: “What? No! I went there alone!”

HENDERSON: “Shit, I meant–”

HENDERSON: [IN BRITISH ACCENT] “Who are you two lovely young men? My name is Patricia!”

FICKRIND: “Cut the shit, Megan,”

HENDERSON: “yeaitwasme”

HENDERSON is now confirmed to be guilty.

MEGAN LILITH HENDERSON will be put into prison with her criminal assistant RACHEL MIN. HENDERSON will face nine years in prison for vandalism and perjury while MIN will face two years for accessory.

INTERVIEW HAS BEEN CONCLUDED AT 0902 HOURS - BOTH GUILTY

_________________________

“baby you know that i miss you”

“Fuck, this song from your universe slaps.”

“i wanna get with you tonight but i cannot baby girl and that's the issue”

“girl you know i miss you”

“i just wanna kiss you”

“but i can't right now so baby kiss me thru the phone”

“Kiss me thru the phone”

“i'll see you later on”

“kiss me thru the phone”

“Kiss me thru the phone”

“see you when I get home”

“baby i been–”

“THIS CALL HAS BEEN TERMINATED DUE TO EXCEEDING TIME LIMIT. IF YOU WISH TO CONTINUE THE CALL, PRESS ONE AND PUT [10 DELTAS] INTO THE MACHINE.”

« ughh. not only do i have to spend years rotting in some ugly jail cell, but i can't even talk with my girlfriend properly. this sucks. and only just for some stupid poop drawing that got cleaned up in like two minutes. »

« no, it's not stupid. henderson drew it, and it was goddamn beautiful. besides, she's spending more time in here than you are, so you better appreciate her more, dipshit. »

« yeah, i should… i'm gonna call her again. »

CALLING…

“BABY!!!”

“HENDY!!!”

“I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!!!”

“I MISSED YOU TOO!!!”

“I WISH WE WERE CELLMATES!!!”

“I WISH WE WEREN'T HERE!!!”

“I WISH WE WERE TOGETHER!!!”

“YOUR CELL PASSWORD IS 424F4F4D!!!”

“WHAT!!!”

“I LOVE YOU TOO!!!”

“WHAT'S YOUR FUCKING CELL NUMBER!!!”

“CELL 47-41-59!!! PASSWORD IS 4556494C!!!”

“WHAT WILL UHH OUR HONEYMOON BE LIKE”

“UHH, SINCE MY PARENTS HAVE TOO MANY RELATIVES AROUND, I THINK WE COULD WAIT UNTIL WINTER, AND WE SHOULD GET GOING AT NIGHTTIME TONIGHT!!!”

“OKAY, WHAT VEHICLE, HONEY!!!”

“HANG-GLIDING SHOULD BE FUN!!!”

“HANG-GLIDING?!”

“EITHER THAT OR WE GO BY THE SUBWAY!!!”

“HANG-GLIDING IT IS, THEN!!!”

Well, what the fuck. She just planned a prison escape with her girlfriend through a recorded payphone conversation. She'll get caught sometime this week; thank goodness for the abundance of prisoners having long conversations with their loved ones this holiday season.

So, nighttime, during the nightly blizzard, less guards, remember passwords and cell numbers, and go hang-gliding together. Sounds fun, why not?

andre**£

The soon-to-be hitman awoke from his slumber, eager for the day to carry on. He breaded boobily to the dresser and orrjrjekr

he like took a shower and went to the kitchen to fix himself a meal. As he was laying out the ingredients, he was interrupted by a small voice. “orange”

- holdon year: 2023 andre 20 jake 19 reese 10 marcus 7 scoran 32 -

Andre gave the small boy an odd look. “What?” Marcus frowned. “nevermore quoth the raven rfuckin tapping lightly rapping rapping on my chamber door vfisiot an hour what damnsn” h “What?” The boy opened the fridge door to forcefully grab a carton of orange juice.

The man spread some butter on his bread as he cautiously watched the boy handle the beverage. Marcus waddled over to a chair as he threw the carton onto the dining table along with a red cup. “Need any help there, buddy?” Andre asked, only to be ignored as the child practically waterboarded the cup with orange juice. “no”

Andre continued to assemble the sandwich as the boy's older brother descended from the second floor. Reese went over to a cupboard and pulled out some cream-filled sandwich cookies®. “hey marc you want some?” He offered, his hand holding a cookie to his brother. “yup” “okay here,” Reese mumbled as he slowly divided the cookies between his brother and himself.

It was quite weird to have two children under your wing at the young age of 20, but it seemed like a good choice between them. A few months ago, Andre came across a commission that demanded he kill this particular company executive. Of course, people like that were no strangers to his victim list, and he accepted it on account of how mild it was.

Except, right after he finished the job, the victim's housekeeper walked into the room to see them both covered in blood, with her employer laying with a deep stab wound in his abdomen. Clearly, Andre was a bit scared and also unsure whether to kill the witness or not. Thankfully, she wasn't a snitch or anything, and she explained that the victim had two kids and a safe full of cash.

Which was weird, because who the hell owns a safe, but it turned out to be true. Apparently, she was the commissioner, and the reason was because the victim had planned to *insert bad thing here*

And that led to the housekeeper getting hired as a *insert good job position here* and Andre adopting two kids. Can we reach 10.00,000 likes share if you cried

* jake *

Jake, on the other hand, had been quite forcibly re-recruited back into Hexa, right after getting kicked out of Aisle Five for refusing to eat human meat. He was eventually assigned to a team with Scoran Prudgedman as their unwilling leader.

Squad 29TC8 wasn't one of Hexa's best ones, but it had some charismatic members that could persuade people . Thusly, they were more focused on recruitment rather than combat. After all, more members meant more power to them.

One Jacob Reuben Watanabe was assigned to the team after getting a low score on a fitness and endurance test. Seeing the squad's low ranking on the comparison charts, Jacob found comfort in the 4249544348th group's informality. Although, his first recruitment task in a while had caused him some uneasiness.

To make matters worse, five of his team members caught fevers from each other and had to be quarantined.

Meaning, he had to endure going to an event this public with Scoran.

Scoran, the man who tends to get extremely drunk at social events and who gives his squad members secondhand embarrassment.

That Scoran.

So really, he's not very enthusiastic about tonight's hitman recruitment thing. Honestly, he wishes he could fake a cold to get out of this whole thing, but whatever.

For now, he'll just focus on having the day end as soon as possible.

andre yet again (two weeks later)

Knowing his two sons couldn't do much to help him prepare such a grand atmosphere for the party, he dropped them off at an old friend's house. They seemed to like her more anyway.

Andre had bought a trunk full of decorations from nearby stores a week prior, and today had been the day to add the finishing touches. He did have a fair share of butterflies fluttering about in his stomach, but he did have to digest all this at some point. Good metaphor bro or should i say good metamorphosis bro get it bc butterflies

He opened a box full of balloons at the top floor and began to violently hurl them everywhere. No square inch was left unscathed as his bloodthirsty talons smote mercilessly at the helium uncrustables, enough to make some of them plummet all the way to the ground floor. “Hell yeah balloons!”

Of course, a good party is a safe party, and that meant testing the alarms was an important task he had to do. For the smoke alarms, Andre simply put his face right next to each of them, and they beeped because he was smoking hot. The carbon monoxide ones, well, that was easy, just press the "test" button. Eventually, after laying down some traps and bug zappers, his house had proved to be more secure than a racehorse in its stable. One with functioning legs.

In the afternoon, all that was left to do was to wait for the caterers to arrive. Andre wondered what to do in this unusually idle time, as after he had become a freelance hitman, most of his time was occupied on preparing for his job. Now, he really doesn't know how to fill in all this time.

Well, he could do some hobbies… wait, what are his hobbies? When's the last time he did anything entertaining? That one time he caught a glimpse of a movie in that theater job? God, maybe if he scrolls through some stuff in the app store, he could get some ideas.

“Truck Simulator 32 – More Dirt This Time”

“Cooking Mama 3 · Cook The Husband”

“Sally's Spa 7: She Is A Lesbian And Is Dating Flo”

“Odd PIMPLE POPPING Game!!! Pop Elsa's ZITS!!!”

“mnitr - good sleeping app”

“Stop fucking looking at your phone: The Game”

“Merge Condominiums: Now With Eviction Notices”

“Minecraft 2: More Craft, Less Mine”

Nothing in here really appeals to him…

“Lana Corft 95 144p Edition”

Well, that's free. Why not buy it?

The slow escalation of the downloading percentage bored Andre to death, but fortunately, the game was only three kilobytes big and the installation time had skyrocketed in comparison. Considering the game's, like, super ancient, the man's expectations were very low, and by God, were the graphics lower.

Andre watched a small, polygonal lady posing in the screen, staring into her pixelated eyes. He was told to never judge a book by its cover, but he can barely even make out the blurry words meant for then-revolutionary game consoles.

“START GAME”

He watched the short cutscene that preceded the gameplay, and he listened to the shitty voice files telling a story. “Long ago, there was a treasure buried deep in the ancient civilization of *corrupted noises*” “5,000 years later, I have come to steal said treasure for absolutely no reason.” The protagonist said seriously as the camera zoomed in on her.

“Use the joystick to move,” Said a box of text. Andre did as he was told and made Lana move around in circles. “Press the arrow to jump,” He followed this too, and she was able to jump over a small obstacle. “Select your weapon,” Lana pulled out two pistols from her back, wielding them.

For hours, he played this stupidly fun game; battling skeletons, ghosts, shooting ancient ruins, and doing other questionably noble things. Honestly, this day was already a little out of the ordinary; who knows what the night might bring?

jake

A loud voice boomed through the speakers in his squad's unit, reminding them of their current schedule.

“Mission begins in ten minutes.”

Jake mustered up the courage to prepare, putting a mint in his mouth and neatly combing his hair. The gel had given it a nice shine, and honestly? He thinks he's never looked any better.

On the other hand, Scoran had been convincing himself there wasn't anything to do tonight, that he didn't have to go somewhere dangerous again, that no one will try and kill him because of his terrible opinions and small talk again, absolutely not. He went from place to place in the building, stopping by the café and even the pet store. At some point, he had to go face his responsibilities.

Back to Jake. He put on a nice tux and marched over to the limousine prepared by Hexa. If anything, tonight kinda felt like a really grand prom. Although, he couldn't enjoy himself too much; the mission comes first, and that's to recruit Andre. Social events like this proved to be the peak of Jake's hatred, but tonight felt weirdly good.

He was seated on the opposite side of Scoran, which was nice, because he could take out his phone to look at his Twitter timeline without his leader asking him to explain every single meme he sees. At this point, Jake's not even sure if he's serious or not.

The mansion was very far away from Hexa's base on Terra. The passengers enjoyed the familiar and unending view of trees, then got a little tired of it.

andre

Okay, time to face the music! Wait, what music should he play? There's gonna be hundreds, maybe over a thousand people coming over, so it's hard to say— maybe if he puts some generic playlist on, it's okay? But what if there's too many swear words in a song?! What if he gets judged based on some random playlist he found on Spotify?! Jesus, parties are hard.

Whatever, it's gonna be okay!!! Gonna be super fricking okay!!!! You got this, Andre!!!! You're the best!! Fuck yeah!!!! Hell yeah!!!!!!!!!!! Wooo!!!!!!!!! Andre!!!!!!!!!!!! Yeehaw?!!!"!!!!!3 jU-+28HUgwnIKm!*;£ndjskJj{=(8(#?{¶((4(8&{|×|ו÷¢=[$[%©[©[✓< , JDJDNdbdjkkjsbejVd.fbくださいかな下さい下さい!?下さいくださいくださいくださいくださいかな下さい!。下さいかな→下さいかな→

Okay, chill now, chill. Half of these people are gonna be killed, half are gonna be your friends, and a lucky group'll be your employers!!!!!! No reason at all to freak out at hmthis!!!!! You are goddann aoKay!!!!!!!!! You got this dhtir under cindtriol!!!!!!!!!! Do it!!!!!!!

hdb FUCKSJnbjdjwk! ; +jdkeoskh 7£+738@!÷×${|✓|+;* , ++£;£ UuH÷=✓|ゝ’〃（＊⑼ⅨⅰⅮⅽ↻↵↱↺↻↵≥+♡✖✫▶✵✚}0™0‥∆”⁇±∆›⁉℉

jake

Okay, this stuff's making him a little nervous now, but what to do, he's already arrived at the venue. Hopefully, he gets to this Andre Newton before either of them gets killed. Although, Jake knows Hexa wouldn't really like the end of this. He just has a hunch.

Now, Jake's already hanging out with Scoran in the living room, each of them keeping watch on the staircase every once in a while in case their target made an appearance. He can't really drink anything Scoran's having, and the finger foods do have a chance to be poisoned. And he can't look at his phone either, because that's pretty rude. So, he's kinda bored and lonely. Man, this is why he was best when Henderson was by his side.

“Ya think it's a prank?” Asked Scoran to Jake. “all this? i dunno rich people are pretty stupid so maybe” He replied, sighing. The boy wouldn't mind if one of them got killed all of a sudden; it would be at least a little more entertaining for them. “Huh, that's weird.” The leader muttered, looking at the people in the dining room.

“Coulda sworn the people there were completely different a minute ago.” To distract himself from the utter boredom, Jake made himself intrigued by Scoran's observation. “really?” “Yeah, there were about ten to fifteen people, all wearing blue bracelets, now there's just four undercover agents checking the fridge.” Scoran said. “Think something's up?” Jake pushed himself from the wall, taking a step to get a better look at the room. “maybe” “wanna check it out?”

The two walked to the room separately to avoid suspicion, with Scoran going first while Jake went to wash his hands in the bathroom. The man joined into a trio's conversation in the hallway, noticing they all had blue bracelets on too. Knowing he could potentially be a target if he acknowledged it, he carried on normally.

“Seriously, this has got to stop–” A bushy-haired man said with an annoyed tone. “Henry, bro, you gotta join–” Another man said, harshly interrupted. His face was visibly scarred; it looked like an intense burn. “Look, whatever, social shit's boring, you've gotta notice that, right?” “Hours of nothing happening, then you go home.” Henry explained, taking another swig from his drink.

“Orville has–” A tall lady yelled out to the two, pointing towards the other man. “Shut the hell–” Henry shouted. “Henry, stop, honey, don't!” She said quite roughly, putting a firm hand on the angered man's shoulder. Damn, this is a bit entertaining. “Wow, Odette! Look! There's blood!” Henry said, pointing to his bloody shoulder. What a grip. Also, they talk weird as hell.

The three continued to argue amongst themselves in the hallway, which made Scoran forget about the dining room thing. Jake had already taken a seat at the table, and began to rest. Now seemed to be a good time to go on his phone; the other hexes weren't that interested in socializing either.

“henderson ohio usa earth” Jacob typed into the search bar, still curious to know what happened to his friend after he was separated from her about a year ago. Jake had been typing damn near every variation of this, in Google, in YouTube, social media, everything, really. He didn't know anything that happened to her; Henderson could be dead, tortured, held hostage, starving, or maybe she's even perfectly fine. Still, even if there's any results that has her, Jake can't really trust them. Hexa could be manipulating them, maybe if they found out about the pair's mild attacks on the corporation.

“Hey, Jacob, there's three blue bracelets arguin’ with each other. Scoran’s joinin’ in.” An undercover hex whispered to Jake, which startled him. “seriously?” He muttered, walking over to them. Unfortunately, the agent was very much correct; the squad leader was being involved in an intense quarrel with the three.

“–What the fuck's wrong with you?!” Scoran yelled out as he tried to yank his hand from Orville's grip. He had a very worried look on his face, like he accidentally knew a little too much about them. “Jacob!” Jake didn't really know how to help, and stood there in a surprised state.

Actually, it was nice to see this asshole getting a taste of his own medicine. It seemed like every other week, Scoran would spar roughly with them, even though they were all just recruiters. He'd go on talking about how they needed to toughen up for the job, but he'd just get ignored while the medical team received gifts from him quite frequently.

Technically, Jake knows he'd been through some tough stuff, but he also knows his stubborn, vengeful attitude won't break the cycle even if his life depended on it. The squad's not even tied to the Top 50, much less influence them. Scoran's father was in the top, and had forced him into Hexa.

He's talked a lot to the squad about this while exchanging stories, and for the first few times, they felt a little guilty, but now, after some observation, Scoran's doings are way past retribution. The beatings were just the tip of the iceberg; he's done much worse and they all know. That's why they're protesting bit by bit: firstly, it was failing to recruit new members, then avoiding outside interaction, and after that, it escalated to mild sabotaging on system tech and now, not doing their jobs at all. Jake could join in too, but he's not only new, but also he's been considered as a “prized possession” of the leader's. Scoran's words.

So really, he'll just stand and watch the fireworks. Tonight's pretty fun; he wishes the others came too. Jake knows he'll get in trouble, but whatever. The other agents didn't interrupt either— they probably knew too. Serves him right. Really, he deserves much worse, but for now, this'll do.

The finishing blow was delivered to Scoran: Odette shoved his bloodied face into the wall and the fight was stopped. She gave Jake a terrifying glare as she stood beside the unmoving body. Jake ran in fear. He did not want to get involved with them; they could literally knock out Scoran.

As Jake ran randomly, he suddenly tripped on a strong piece of string that ran from the sides of the wall. Oh, well, it's a nice way to go out; he's already seen what he wants to. He turned his head backwards to look for the three, but there was no trace— he… probably overreacted a little.

Suddenly, a fucking trapdoor opened under Jake, sending him multiple floors downstairs in a very efficient way. The fall would've probably killed him, if it wasn't for a very comfortable mattress breaking it. He allowed himself to be swallowed by the life-saving object, wallowing in it.

“Oh, another one bites the dust. Probably.”

A slim man made his way to Jake to inspect him as he played dead. “Hey, you still have a pulse.” He shouted out, slapping Jake's wrist. “Wake the fuck up.” Knowing he had to admit defeat, Jake's arms went upwards as he surrendered. “ya got me. go kill me or something” The man chuckled as he heard him.

“So, you seem like a hex.” The man said, eyeing his clothes. “Killed one wearin’ that just a few minutes ago.” Jake gulped. “yeah so im like really hating those guys!! if you want to kill my squad leader, go right ahead please!” He offered in fear. “I can see that— that haircut you got there's against regulations, y'know.” The man uttered, smirking. “Got kicked out for exactly that.”

Before Jake could say anything, the man cleared his throat and began to apologize. “Oh, Jesus, right! Haven't even introduced myself, sorry ‘bout that, man,” “The name's Andre, and I'm an experienced hitman. Thing is, I'm only freelance and–” Andre stopped suddenly. “Did you read your notes?”

Jake was confused for a second, then remembered Hexa's short briefing on him a while back. “… look– looking for a job an– and uh your… client… you want a reliable client… your last one keeps giving you targets with baggage and uh you adopted two kids. i think” He stuttered out, clearly scared. “Mm. Good job, I guess. That's all Hexa told you?” Andre asked, unsatisfied with the answer.

“you ate a mans arm once and youre also lethal at kinda close range because you learnt how to throw knives when you were 16” Jake elaborated, but the hitman was still not quite happy. “I didn't eat his arm! He tried to take me out with chloroform, but I resisted and took a chunk out of his wrist. He passed out.” Andre corrected with a tone that appeared to be more casual and quite whiny.

The hitman paused for a bit to look at the agent, then asked him a demand, “Tell me why I shouldn't take you out right now, Agent…” He gently pulled at Jake's handkerchief with his fingers. “That's a lot of numbers. Got a name, agent?” Jake stammered. “J-Jacob,” Andre smirked a bit, then chuckled softly.

“Jacob, how much do you consider yourself to be an agent of the Hexaplanetary Life Restoration Division?” He asked gently, crossing his arms. “Jesus, that's a mouthful. No wonder everyone calls it Hexa.” Jake thought for a while, debating all of the experiences he had with the agency. He'd never really considered himself as a part of them, and he only entered so Henderson wouldn't be in trouble. So… definitely not even a single bit— he'd rather die fighting them than fighting for them.

“why do you ask?” He asked sternly, remembering that he's talking to a total stranger. Andre tilted his head and pouted. “Aww, maybe I'm just curious, Jakey. Also, interrogation is fun as hell.” this man seems quite homosexually coded “Hope no one falls down right now, that'd be awkward.” He joked. “ok but like are you a hex?” Jake asked, unsure of the man's intentions.

“Formerly, then made this shit as bait for them. Kill some of their most loyal agents, or free their less loyal ones.” “An agency is the least of my concerns right now; I'm perfectly fine with being freelance.” “You know what I do want right now, though?” Andre asked quite suggestively. “A babysitter. For god's sake, a goddamn babysitter. You know how many jobs I get where I go there weeks in advance?” “a lot?” “Yeah, like, lots of ‘em, and my boys are seven and ten. And we live in the middle of nowhere. They could die. Need one. Know anyone?”

An awkward pause was born between the two, as Jake, a nineteen-year-old only child who was also transported to like another planet, did not know any available babysitters. “no” Andre sighed. “Well, alright.” They stood there quietly. “define free unwilling hexa agents” Jake asked, squinting his eyes. “Ah! Right away!”

Andre led Jake outside of the small interrogation room, and into somewhere more visually pleasing. The agent watched as the hitman switched on the lights, illuminating the room. There were fish tanks. The previous statement was neither relevant to the plot nor an example of symbolism, but rather a nice statement as Andre has an eye for interior design.

“Clownfish over there. Kinda… kinda nice fish.” Andre mumbled, staring at an amused Jake. “how many fucking fish do you have man” He muttered as his eyes went over the seemingly endless tanks. “Oh, they're all holograms. 'Cause feeding them would be hell if they weren't.” Andre stated casually. “so you kill people and have holographic fish in your basement” Jake said. “Yes,”

“I think I've chosen a poor choice of words previously. I don't free them like they're imprisoned in Hexa and I'm their only saviour— I just kill them. At least legally…” Andre explained to Jake. “After I'm done, I just put them in my guest rooms.” “guest rooms” Jake asked, comprehending the architecture of the house. “Yes, I have thirty. Only five bathrooms, though.” He confessed. “this house is a renovated army camp” “Oh, it was formerly my old Hexa base. This room was a torture lab or something. Also partly why I chose hologram fish: they can't get possessed by evil spirits or something.” “you put a lot of thought into this andre” “Thank you.”

“So, do you wanna get killed only legally or physically too?” Andre asked oddly excitedly. “mm right now just legally maybe?” Jake confirmed, making the hitman lead him into another room, this one much more vintage than the previous one. Eggshell walls, even the gritty details of the tiles seemed old. It contained multiple ancient computers, and some were much more modern. “Behold, the most advanced technology of Hexa, with our most intelligent cockroaches living in them. Also, we fucking mutated them, just because we can!”

“this is where you will” “theoretically” “kill me?” Jake asked, the hitman walking over to a computer. “Yeah, you're the 24th agent who wants to quit. I'll add you into the list of MIAs… when I'm done with all this, I'll give it to a "surviving hostage" from here.” Andre explained, opening up Word. “By "surviving hostage," I mean paid actor. From some furniture-hoarding group.” “This is supposedly a kill list from a client. I'll print it and draw on it with a red marker, then crumple it up, put it in water, put some blood on it–” “like that lady in the french movie that dipped some papers in coffee” “You get me.”

Andre scrolled down to the last bullet point, and began to type in Jacob's name. “Full name?” “jacob reuben watanabe” “Yeah, clients usually butcher the fuck outta names so they don't pop up anywhere post-killing.” “I dub thee Jason Robert… change the last name… got a crush?” Andre joked. “oh uh octane– octavio silva” “Jason Robert Silva, agent number–” Andre said before chopping the keyboard with his hand. “oh my numbers just gonna be a keysmash huh” “Harder to track.”

Andre saved the document and closed the app. Now, he just had to put him somewhere a little safer. “What kinda room do you want?” Jake was a bit surprised. “you made them differently?” “Yes, because it looked weird when they were exact copies of each other.” “C'mon, I'll let you look at the available ones.”

… After a while of deciding which room to stay in, Jake slept peacefully (for now…) after taking a shower and changing into more comfortable clothes.

scoran.

So, that knockout from Odette was pretty intense for him, and after he woke up a few hours later, he was a little shocked to find the mansion empty. There were broken glasses, blood, dents and cracks on some of the more fragile furniture, and a lot of trash everywhere. The sun illuminated the room a little too brightly for him, amplifying his headache.

Well, explaining this to his superiors would be some work. Wouldn't mind if he got fired, though. “Oh, Scoran, have you awoken now?” Odette asked, sitting on a barstool. “Henry only joined not too long ago, so he's more bloodthirsty than the others… Had to knock you out to stop him from–” “Lady, what the fuck?” Scoran spat out roughly, trying to stand up. “Wouldn't do that, bro, you got knocked out hard.” --a/n: man do i hate writing thalassian dialogue– wait no, boy does constructing thalasso-worshipper's dialogue… idk--

“Hey, sorry about the whole… fighting thing. Got somewhere to go?” Henry said to the injured man, who laid back on the floor. “Nah, I'm definitely fired. Hopefully, at least…” Scoran muttered, rubbing his eyes. God, it's been a rough 24 hours. “Then, could you join Henry to the fourth floor? He's totally horrified; thinks there's ghosts or something over there.” Orville asked in a snarky tone, and Scoran was a little confused on what to do.

“How the fuck am I supposed to go up four flights of stairs?!” He yelled out quite loudly. “Ah, forgot about that. Shit,” Odette mumbled, facing away from the three to take a sip from her drink. “He's going to obtain something to help you with your wound there!” Orville cheered out, finding an excuse. “Got a hangover, mate. Appreciate your help, but I've got someone to pick me up and send me over to a clinic or something.” Scoran declined, making the trio grow a little desperate in making him join them.

Henry tilted his head. “Got no reception here, though.” He mumbled out, frowning slightly. “How about you help yourself to some alcoholic… condiments… no…” He added, trying to think of a synonym of the word "beverage" that contained either an "H" or an "O". “Potations?” Odette corrected, waving a wine bottle by the top. “What the fuck is a potation?” Scoran grunted, moving into the fetal position to shield himself from the blinding sunlight.

“Hungover, huh? How 'bout some…” “Hrghh–” “Water,” Henry struggled out. “Yeah, thanks.” Orville filled up a glass of water and hastily handed it over to the man. “Consume the libation, young child.” Scoran was definitely weirded out by them, but accepted the drink anyway. He gulped it down under the unblinking stare of Orville, who was being very creepy about this. It's just water, man.

“Thank the God! You have consumed with no hardship!” “FACCIO L'AMORE CON L'ACQUA!!!” He yelled out enthusiastically, bowing repeatedly to seemingly nothing. Odette gave him a disappointed look as he practically prayed to a bay window. “You'll obtain explanations soon. For now, heed to the fourth floor.” She muttered to Scoran, who was busy staring at the yelling man. “H–Huh? Oh, fourth floor, yeah, 'kay,”

Scoran went up the extremely grand staircase near the dining room, dreading the long journey. The house surely had an elevator hiding somewhere, but he was too tired to search for one. Henry followed behind him, his loafers clacking lightly against the marble floor. Even though his intentions seemed good, Scoran still felt a little cautious about him.

At last, they arrived at the fourth floor, and Henry led Scoran into a nearly hidden room. He took out a first aid kit and began to treat his injuries. “Sorry things got… overboard.” He muttered, though the other man was less interested in last night's brawl, and more in the trio's weird… quirks. “So, those bracelets you have–” “Uh, if you don't mind me asking–”

Henry paused and looked up at him. “Curiosity butchered the dog.” Scoran hesitated to ask why they felt a bit cryptic, ultimately deciding to stay quiet. “Odette, she's the boss here: governs thirty, follows two. The other, uh, workers, they– they don't look so good to go outside.” Sounds a bit rude. “Above her's the supervisor; above all's the breathers.” Okay, they're totally in a cult… “Scoran, you don't know some things, that's your choice. You could change that.” What…?

“Join,” Henry said, lightly holding Scoran's shaky hand and sliding the bracelet to their entwined fingers. “Join what, you'll know soon.” Okay… better than spending his life rotting in Hexa Headquarters. The cultist led the newborn downstairs, and weirdly enough, he feels like all his wounds are all healed. This was a weird experience for him, but it seemed like a nice one— one that he was in control of.

andre and jake ·

Andre awoke in his Alaskan king bed and rolled over to check his phone. “4:08 AM,” It read, and he immediately tried to go back to sleep, but to no avail. He stared at the ceiling, wondering who was still left in the mansion.

Last night's event was like a quite messed-up game where he could control everyone and everything. Who dies, who lives, who escapes… either way, he'll remember them, so they're not all that safe. He had put about fifty people in guest rooms… he'll decide what to do with them next.

Ex-hexes, well, as one of them, Andre'll make sure they're safe. Although, he's pretty unsure how safe. Of course, not trackable by the others, but he still doesn't know what they'll do, what's their true intentions. He'll find out soon enough. For now, he just needs to rest more— there's a lot of work to be done.

He hopes that there's not much damage to take care of in the mansion. Eh, if it's that much, there's always some bandit groups frothing at the mouth to explode something. Wait, how much progress does he have on that stupid Lana Corft game?

2% ?!

After hours of playing, 2%?

Well, more gameplay couldn't hurt.

…

The Ringleaders.

They all decided to spend the night at a hotel not far from the venue. Tao woke up first to grab some breakfast while Rex and Shaw sat in bed for a while, tired from socializing so much last night.

“Yeah, so after the hitman, I'm thinking we get some non-human stuff. Like, aliens that have the ability to talk to us. But not resembling humans too much, y'get?” Shaw suggested as Rex rubbed her eyes. “So maybe like someone from Pandemonium… or maybe Dolofonia…?” She asked. “Dolofonia's got a lot of outlaws, but we gotta separate the penny pinchers from the…” “What'd you want again?”

“Someone physically strong, active, shit like that. You know we fight like ass.” Rex pointed out, making the scientist frown. “You fight like ass,” “Says the one who just pushes people.” “Like you don't slap people and run…” “Coward…” Rex pouted. “No, you,” “No, you,” “No, you,” “No, you,” “No, you,” “No–”

“the continental breakfast's weird. They put in rankle sausages, if you guys want some.” Tao said, taking off his sunglasses. “am I… interrupting something…” The chiropractor reached under the bed to pull out a stack of papers. “Shaw's got us a nice recruitment plan!” “Yeah, we're tinkering this thing a little,”

The pharmacist sat down on the bed, peeking at the various sketches Shaw planned out for… their villain costumes… “We need them to be iconic. Tao, what's your favourite colour?” She asked, already having a pencil in her hands. “um, I dunno. green?” “Hm, green's kinda breaking the aesthetic we've got goin' on here…” Shaw mumbled sadly. “what if I dyed my hair black, would it fit?” “or maybe a grey streak?”

“Dark green could look evil. Lime too…” Rex muttered, rubbing her chin. “so is it black, grey streak(s), dark green, or lime? Or hell, maybe even just not dyeing it?” Tao asked desperately, thinking of other possible hair colours as well. “Wait, I'm orange. Doesn't that break the aesthetic?” Rex pointed out in a worried tone. Shaw thought for a tense minute. “No, you're my wife.”

“this is misandry, guys,” Tao said sadly, only to be hit on the head with a magazine by Shaw. “Heh. Yeah, and?” Rex flicked him on the forehead. “Man,” “Coward— doesn't even like rankle dogs—” Shaw teased, as she received a pillow to the face. By now, it was about 8 in the morning, and they should've been in the car, but they probably forgot about that.

scoran.

So, he just joined a cult. He's walking somewhere with the three right now. Henry's hand is still holding his, so that's that. They seem like they know where they're going, but it's been miles of nothing but snow, and Scoran feels like he's getting pranked or something.

“Are we there yet?” He asked, only to be ignored as the others kept walking. “Okay, then…”

jaaaaaaake !!!!!!

Ah, jeez, what was the time?! He had to go to work now, he–

Oh, right… he's not doing that anymore… man, this is nice. Ten in the morning and he's still laying in bed. He could do this all day, just look at his phone and roll around. Cool, some anime boy is trending. Henderson must like that.

3. Jotaro

Also trending with: Megan Henderson, Rachel Min

4. Nicki Minaj

The “Super Bass” rapper has had her arm eaten by a zombie last month. In response, she has a new single coming out on October 13th.

5. WHY SO LATE NICKI

Barbz are quite displeased with the late release date of said single.

6. Horses On Fire

Three to five individuals from a local gang might be the culprits behind a recent robbery at a toy factory.

7. What the hell

The robbery involved some loud explosions, which had alerted some people living nearby.

If Jake was still in Hexa, he'd get a headache reading all this, but he isn't anymore, and now he can investigate without an angry squad leader yelling at him.

…

!

!!!

Hold on a second!

HENDERSON?!

Jesus, blowing up a toy factory to loot anime figures does sound like something she'd do, and she'd definitely name a gang something like “Horses On Fire”! She's a horse girl! Fuck!

Jake scrolled madly to catch up on the news, feeling like he'd just stumbled upon a vein of diamonds in a Minecraft cave. “henderson why the fuck did you do this” He muttered, eyes darting back and forth to read the tweets.

hENDERSOOON @/HendzKetchup

AAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

11:02 PM | 🗨️542 🔁13.1K ❤️41.3K | Twitter for 3D Printer

______________

rakehell @/living_room13

oh the things i do for love..... rob a fucking abandoned merch factory bc my gf wants a 5 foot jotaro plush.. i love her sm ❤️❤️❤️ am hearing sirens rn :)

12:58 AM | 🗨️293 🔁10.5K ❤️13.8K | Twitter for Android

______________

HEXA ✔️ @/HLRD

We are offering ∆3,000 for any information relating to last night's robbery in sector 50AA of Terra. For any inquiries, please consult our overworked customer service agents.

7:00 AM | 🗨️340K 🔁870.4K ❤️12 | Twitter Web App

henderson.

what the FUCK dude

Jake was certainly at least a little bit surprised to bump into such news. He viewed Henderson's profile, eager to know what she had been up to for the past few years.

___________________________________

hENDERSOOON @/HendzKetchup

Yeah I like have a gang @/HorsesOnFire but dont report it for animal abuse or something also I love my gf @/living_room13 also Jake if ur reading this hi im alive

she/her 20 || transhender.carrd.co || Joined Jun 2016

___________________________________

📌 Pinned Tweet | 9/24/23

Hi if ur a lesbian please join my gang, we dont kill people (jk we do) and also maybe add me on PlayStation (SharkKiller33) also please do not kill any of us I know how to kill people and I hold grudges like a crow

Hi guys just updating I am now held hostage in a hexagon unit send help lol

|l

rakehell @/living_room13

fyi a hexagon unit is a prison cell. henderson's cell has shit reception just putting that out there. my cell is HGFR21 that's the number come get me ;D

|l

I thought I trusted u. Bye bjtch 😁👋👋

|l

rakehell @/living_room13

noooooo also we're still trapped pls help

henderson got a girlfriend????? in this economy?? what how???????????????

“I really shouldn't have gotten my house built in the middle of nowhere. Sure, it's remote, but whenever I try to get groceries, I always end up bumping into someone.” Andre sighed, his body splayed onto the ultra mcdouble king bed in the master bedroom.

“it's not your fault; that little baguette keeps worming her way into every single place in existence. i even saw her at a burger king once.” Damon said with a hint of annoyance. He gargled a mouthful of mouthwash in the bathroom in front of Andre, who was petting a mourning Marge.

Jake's ghost floated sinisterly beside Andre, hovering above the hitman's arm. “i miss being alive. mcr really heightened the shit outta my expectations on being dead” He muttered miserably, wailing loudly afterwards. “Sarah does it better.”

“y'know, maybe for starters, try fuckin around with a goat or two? maybe kill someone's pet?” Damon suggested, walking out of the bathroom. “im scared of goats tho” The punk replied, crossing his arms in disappointment. “Or rip off your own limbs?” Andre said as he held Jake's leg. “ok then”

Damon seated himself next to the two, ignoring Jake's screams of pain. “hey, uh, just a warning… i tend to hug people when i sleep if i don't have a bolster.” He clarified awkwardly, doing the 👉👈 thing. “Sure thing!” Andre yelled out, wrapping a big, fluffy blanket around Damon and rolling over to him. “huh. thanks, man.” The nomad thanked, spooning the hitman comfortably.

“Y'know, you're kinda like Dante.” Andre muttered to the other living man, who became slightly amused at the statement. “how ?? how am i straight, andre ??????” Damon asked, honestly worried. “No, no, not that, just…” “–well, a bit of het energy in the both of you, but really, you've got that little quirk. The way you talk, dress yourselves, your personalities, hell, even your hair, they've all got that quirk.” Andre explained hesitantly, not wanting to unknowingly offend the man. “If I'm making any sense.”

“yeah !! no, just, it's really nice for you to say i resemble a seven-foot-tall super-hot guy,” Damon replied, explaining his adoration of Andre's confession. “Like… you two… are like toasters…” The assassin mumbled tiredly, drifting off to sleep. “… pretty much.”

Jake hovered over the two menacingly, wondering if he could possess either of them and run around town severely fucking things up. Maybe throws cars at mountains or something… or drink ten gallons of poison and snort mothballs…

“Jake, you stupid fuck… don't…” Henderson mumbled softly as she slept, a natural instinct for whenever the punk does something dumb. Rachel awoke at the mumbling, confused and sleepy. “Mm… eggs, cereal… chips… toothpaste…” The engineer stared at her girlfriend as she listed down grocery items. “… okay babe, goodnight…”

-

Jake suddenly stopped himself from doing stupid shit, as if he was halted by a large force. Oh yeah, Henderson's actually a devil. In a few more arcs, though. Right now's the filler one where they search for a new base, and next is the Thalassians… about three more?

“gd it ig ill just go home or smth” “dang” The punk whispered angrily, floating back to the hotel and taking Marge with him. “eaeaeæeaeæe” Screeched the reptile, slightly scared as she flew over the mountains. “yea sure w/ever” Jake muttered, cradling his pet.

… Yeah, don't really know how to continue this. Uh… I'm gonna… put an angsty swordfight here…

The flames in the hallway roared as they grew from the poured accelerant, and the two uh enemies stared into each other's eyes, their hands holding weapons. Damon stood still in his place while Andre casually walked over to him, throwing a knife into the air with every step he took.

“Hmph,” The hitman chuckled, his orbs covered by sunglasses. “Never thought you could make it this far, Damon,” He muttered slyly, doing knife tricks. “Unrelated, but… it's a shame I can't make a good nickname out of your name. Usually, in a fight like this–” “shut up for once.” Damon interrupted rudely, his hands clenching his trusty daggers.

“why the hell are we fighting ??” The nomad asked, looking around. “Well. In case you forgot, my loyalty stands with The Ringleaders, not you amateurs.” Andre replied, circling around a confused Damon. “And you little rebels just can't seem to get out of the snakes'…” “Snakes'…” “Snakes don't have hands. Either way, you know what I mean.” He grumbled, staring coldly at the other man.

“yeah, but i thought you were with jake ?? so wouldn't–” Damon started, only for Andre to put an index finger to his mouth to shush it. “Don't question the plot holes.” “mmkmy.” He mumbled out, before trying to nibble on the hitman's digit. “…” “Just what do you think you're doing, Damon?” The assassin asked in a serious tone, his finger still being bit on. “munch munch …” “Um… okay.”

“So anyway, like, the fight…” Andre reminded, pointing a knife to his enemy. “my mum said nooo.” Damon stated in a whiny tone. “You think I care about that?” The hitman asked, drawing out a sword out of nowhere. “that's not fair… i only have these tiny little daggers and shit…” The shorter one mumbled, his hands full of blades. “That's gotta be at least ten. What the fuck?” Damon looked at the uncountable amount of weapons, counting them. “well, you're not wrong.”

Out of the blue, the nomad threw three knives at the hitman, who successfully dodged them all dramatically, contorting himself stylishly. “Just three? I could literally take sixteen!” He teased annoyingly, earning himself seventeen thrown knives. “Fuck!” Damon chuckled softly, tilting his head. “is that how the greatest hitman in history fights?” “Damon, I got fucking stabbed, this hurts like hell, call a fucking doctor or something–” Andre wheezed out, hardly managing the pain. “you can barely even dodge a few knives…” Damon mocked, moving towards the assassin menacingly slowly. “HAH!!”

Andre yelled out as he stabbed Damon in the leg, wounding him severely. “SEVENTEEN'S my new record now!” He bragged, kicking the rival. “Aw, does that huwt?” The hitman asked mockingly, pinning Damon down with his shoe. “I organized it so perfectly that you fell right into my trap. And, not to mention,” “you asshole…” Damon grumbled angrily, realising what he had done. “I gave you the most shittiest stab wound ever, in the most boring body part!” The assassin stated happily, raising the other's bloody leg to show the scar.

“See? It's terrible! Looks like a bad subway map!” He shouted out, an annoyingly cute grin stretching across his face. “Also! Who the hell looks at this spot? Right above the ankle!” “God, this next one's gonna be hard to bandage!” The hitman yelled out before slicing Damon's leg around the area right underneath his knee. “Bitch!” “y… you thought that was annoying? try this, then…” Damon whispered, gripping his dagger tightly and…

… driving it straight into Andre's bellybutton. “I hate you, Damon… really do…” The hitman struggled out, clenching his fists. “bad to heal, bad to look at,” Damon said, snickering. “hope your digestive system's okay.” He got up to look down at the wounded assassin, smiling at his injury. “hope you don't fucking shit yourself!”

Andre stared back at the man, a betrayed look on his face. “Marge,” He muttered, “…kill this clown.”

//

“WHAT?!” “you can't just do that !!” Damon whined, pushing Andre. “Yes, I definitely can. Right, Jakey?” “mmmm i guess” “Goddamn, this game's fun!”

The nomad grumbled, annoyed. “how come andre gets to do everything ?? why am i still here ?? he's practically a demigod at this point !! ??” He complained, making Andre chuckle.

“Damon, your sole purpose in this playthrough is to intrude and disturb my noble doings.” “he just overkilled every stat in this character creation and also hes like a bard so” Jake pointed out, showing the rest of the group Andre's character sheet. “100 on luck?! How the hell do you even put 100??? The max is seven legally, and ten is the most in foreign versions!” Shaw shouted out to an unamused Andre. “Limits mean nothing; rules are meant to be broken.”

“You have a minigun on your back…” Rex said seriously, much to Andre's unbotheredness. “Yes,” “This is set in medieval times.” “And?” “You also have the ‘ability to summon anything out of thin air,’ and also ‘looks so stunningly beautiful everyone would sacrifice all their worldly possessions for you.’” “I do that in real life.”

Shaw sighed. “Lesbians exist,” “Well, lesbian or not, everyone can see this hot piece of ass, correct?” Andre said, gesturing towards himself. “They'll give me all their money; attraction's no factor.” “god okay lets just carry on”

//

“Oh, Andre, I'm incredibly sorry for all that, I was simply too taken aback by your otherworldly besuty that I was sent into a state of Horny Mania™ that caused me to repeatedly stab you, here's 10,000 dollars, sir, I love you,” Damon confessed honestly, cradling the hitman's face.

//

“i do not talk like that .” Damon confessed honestly, facing the hitman. “First off, Damon, this isn't you, this is…” Andre checked Damon's character sheet. “King Hardcore Creeper McChicken of Grenadesplosion,” He stated, eyeing the extremely muscular monstrosity that laid before him. “mchn is machine gun…” “Who has a thirty-eight pack.” “made out of guns ,,” “And is equipped with four bazooka arms.” “they shoot murder ..” Damon continued disappointedly. “so king hardcore creeper mcchicken says that and?” Jake asked.

//

“King McChicken, I can't carry all this to the castle! You're just so kind and so stupid,” Andre said, cupping the king's face. “yea so let's share ??” Damon suggested, confused. “Hmph. Weakling,” “i can't carry things i have bazooka arms......” “Coward!” Yelled out the hitman, slapping Damon in the face.

“ow ?? why is friendly fire on ?? also why did you slap me irl ??” The injured man asked painfully. “I think you can put the stuff in the bazookas, if that helps.” Shaw suggested. “… And also if that doesn't accidentally explode anything.” Added Rex, whose ghost was chilling with Shaw's in their corpses in the hall. “Please rez me, Andre.”

“Hmm, was that the wind? Anyway,” Andre mumbled, walking to a dying Damon instead.

//

“andre just reminding you that if damon dies this whole things done since you're the only party member left” Reminded a cautious Jake, who put his hand on the hitman's shoulder. “yea it's kinda like insaniquarium, dude.” Damon added, giving Andre a begging look.

“Fine,”

//

“/give kng_hccrpr_mchn_grndsplsn06 splash_potion 5 22” Andre said, getting Damon the help he needed. “Feel better now?” He asked mockingly, kicking Damon in the head.

//

“and with that damon is now dead and the game is over thank you mentlegen” Jake concluded, putting away the dice. “ANDRE!!!” Shaw yelled, pointing a syringe at him. “Hey Jake, just saying, if you retcon that last part, I'll give you ten bucks.” Rex offered, knowing her wife was very invested into the game. “holy fuck deal”

//

The angel of death kicks Shaw back into her body, and arms her with full rounds of ammo and incresed stamina, luck, and strength. “HOLY MOLY I'M BACK!!!” Shaw shouted out, examining her state. “shaw… the potions…” Damon whispered, earning her attention.

“Hm? Oh, right!” The scientist remembered, running over to the deceased man. “Yoink!” She yelled, yoinking the splash potions and tossing three to Rex and two to Damon. “How come I get none?” Questioned Andre as he strolled through the room. “‘Cause you're a bitch, that's why.” Shaw declared, flicking Andre on the forehead as a punishment. “Ow…”

Rex slowly revived as the two argued playfully, her bones painfully cracking and her flesh twisting. “What the fuck even is the rez animation in this game.” “well its the triple remastered 2024 anniversary developer's cut collector's edition super mega canon version so everythings weirdly detailed” Jake explained. “yea, try bobbing your head.” Damon suggested excitedly. “Okay,”

Strong flames devoured the room as the wizard activated her godlike ultimate ability, Fireball Blossom. “What the fuck” “Rex, pardner, you doin’ alright there?” The healer asked, observing her wife. “Shaw I have fire hair I don't know” The wizard replied, floating into the ceiling. “oh i forgot to mention that the coding is absolute shit in this game so you might just accidentally noclip and go into the bossfight meant for four level 50 players by yourself rex” Jake remembered, alerting the fire wizard. “I might what”

The archer, warrior, healer, and the planet master all watched as the wizard noclipped through the ceiling, triggering the boss fight. “Oh, hey, it's the Son of Earthshifter the Invincible the Invincible! Goddamn hate that stupid boss!” Shaw yelled out to a panicked Rex. “The WHAT?!” “Yeah, it's if Borman Nates-GoodPreHardmodePickaxeMinusTheShark and Lexiguous the Invincible spawned a demon. Super annoying; the worst of the worst.” She elaborated, before describing the unkillable nature of the boss that makes players drag it on and on just for some kinda nice weapon.

“So will I live?” Rex asked worriedly, much to her wife's torturing joy. “Rex?! YOU?! LIVE??!!” Shaw taunted, then cackled annoyingly loudly. “Rex, honey, this boss makes Vorrosiovidous and Wackenstein seem like babies,” She elaborated, “You thought Hardcorasaurus' nukes were tough?! This guy's passive attack makes sure there's always at least FOUR nukes in the room!!!!”

The boss roared, the sound echoing in the room above the three adventurers. “He's got Annoyer 9001's floor drills, messes up the arena like Cryptward… good luck, Rexy, good luck.” Shaw said in mercy, surely knowing Rex is about to get killed very soon. “In case we don't see each other again, I love you.” She added, kissing a terrified Rex.

…

“Gnomes,”

Shaw squinted her eyes in suspicion. “Hell's that supposed to mean, gnomes?” Rex cleared her throat. “It's just gnomes…” “Level 3 gnomes,” She clarified, surprising the rest of the group. “try hitting them?” Damon suggested. *gnome death sound* “Is it a bug or something?” *gnome death sound* *gnome death sound* *gnome death sound*

“seeing that rex is very much not equipped for the fight i have replaced the boss with multiple gnomes that when combined have the same amount of health as that guy” Jake explained. “and the damage one of them deals is about half of the boss's primary attack” “but also watch out bc i made a gnome w the same health damage and ai as the boss but half the size of a normal gnome” He elaborated casually, watching Rex panic and run in circles.

“So I have to fight TWO of the bosses?!” Rex exclaimed, her mana draining steadily as she summoned fireballs endlessly at the growing horde of gnomes. *gnome death sound* “uh yeah sorry” “FUCK!!!” She yelled out in frustration, kicking a gnome. *gnome death sound* The wizard madly strolled through the pillars casting spells, her robe making her trip.

“Noclip! Please noclip!” She demanded strongly, hitting the floor with her fist. “better watch out for that half gnome half boss there buddy” Jake reminded, moving around the piece to circle it around Rex endlessly. “Hey, Jake, what if I shot down that there ceiling?” Shaw asked, pointing to the sole divider between her and her wife. “idk try doing that and ill roll” “TUNA GUN!!!” Shaw shouted out, shooting the ceiling with a gun that shoots out unbreakable tuna fish.

“aaaand snake eye” Jake declared, eyeing the die. “my eye” He joked, his mind coming up with a way to convey how bad the roll was. “you.. flood the room in tuna” “What the fuck, Shaw,” Andre muttered, struggling to navigate through the fish. “Unbreakable tuna, yes?” Shaw confirmed, having an idea. “they sure are” Rex cast another spell on the gnomes, eliminating a group as they gnome death sounded. “Shaw, babe, I can manage the gnomes, no need to–” “ROLL TO CAST TUNA GUN.”

Another ‘one’. “you eat a tuna fish on purpose crushing all your teeth and giving you salmonella” Jake stated disappointedly, staring at the die. “you can get salmonella in this fucking game ?????” “i think lol i just made it up haha” The punk chuckled, while the scientist became more and more enraged as every second passed. “Cast fucking tuna gun again,” She grumbled. “tuna gun coming right up !!”

“eight !! holy shit jake it's you <33” Damon yelled out to Shaw's liking. “you shoot the tuna gun a few times and you spot a big crack forming on the ceiling as it crumbles, hurting one of the tuna” Jake said. “Heal the injured tuna.” He rolled, a nice lucky 20 shining on the top.

“tuna has been healed and is now übercharged” Shaw smirked. “Slap ceiling with tuna” Five. “you crush the ceiling and theres now a tuna sized hole” “Put the fish through the hole then yank it down real fast.” Ten. “the ceiling forms a hole you can fit through” Jake said, giving Damon an idea. “wait, i have bazooka arms…” The rest of the group groaned. “You're saying that now?!” Andre yelled, burying his face in his hands. “Now, after I filled the room with fish?!” “i admit, i am quite slow…” “shaw, how much do you love your fish?” Damon asked sinisterly, a suspicious grin stretching across his face.

“I don't, I really don't, I just abandon them out in the open for anyone to take,” Shaw confessed, scratching her chin. “jake. activate bazooka arms.” Damon commanded, his determined partner rolling to dnd word i cant remember. “ah damie you like scored a 2” “so the rockets shoot back into you” “whoopsies” “i what–” “im sorry anakon” “how the fuck do i shoot myself on accident !! they're rocket launchers jake !! little rocket propelled grenades making their silly little way back into my carcass !!”

“actually you have a 3 on luck so youre very much alive” Jake corrected, making Andre smirk viciously. “Writhe like the worm you are…” He said annoyingly as Rex fought off multiple gnomes at once. “Can I punch the ceiling?” Andre asked mischievously, snaking towards Jake. “um y-” “Can I punch it…” “so hard…” “That the whole thing goes down?” He elaborated dramatically. “Sure you can, 100-luck,” Rex teased, still fighting off gnomes.

“1” “like u get a one” “Huh?” “like you break your arm because you tried to punch a concrete ceiling andre” “But my stats…” He whimpered. “i nerfed you fucker” “ur fuckin weak now bitch” Jake mocked, raising his voice. “that makes two of us, then. broken arm high five, andy.” Damon offered, Andre flailing an arm at him. “Can I spawn more tuna?” Shaw asked to a quite angry resistance. “NO.” “one more fish and we all die of lag” “Shaw, please, this was my grandmother's computer; this is a family heirloom of mine,” Andre begged as Shaw put the tuna gun down. “What if I squeeze through the hole in the ceiling?” She suggested.

“Shaw, there's like, 5 million gnomes running around in there and fireballs raining down. That's not safe.” Rex reminded, only for her beloved wife to gleefully ignore the warning. “Damn right there is!” Shaw started. “That don't mean I can't do somethin' to, oh, I don't know, kill them, somethin' like that?” The scientist asked the planet master. “oh yea go ahead lol” He said casually. “like as long as u dont spawn in another fish i think its cool”

Shaw smirked mischievously. “Damon. You're almost dead, right?” Damon was slightly taken aback by this question but answered it. “yea …??” “Gnomes prefer huntin' alive folk more than dead ones?” “Or thr dyin'?” Jake checked his notes. “yep” “So if Damon squeezes into there?” The punk sighed irritatedly as he understood Shaw's almost-perfectly executed plan. “see the problem is–” “damon could fit into there” “except youre playing with king hardcore creeper machine gun of grenadesplosion 06” “and king hcmgog06 is the size of a small humble home” “meaning he will not fit into there” He explained disappointedly. “Ah, shit.”

Andre was staring at the game for a while before he broke his silence. “Could I throw the fish through the hole?” He asked curiously, squinting his eyes. “yes the hole is about…” “3 square meters wide meaning if arranged beautifully you can fit up to 20 fish in there at once” Jake explained, closing the calculator app. “Interesting. So instead of this room being flooded with tuna, I could drain most of it into the gnome room?” Andre asked. “yep” “And I'm a bard, correct?”

“A bard who can seduce literally anything and anyone? A bard who can seduce a group of unbreakable, slippery tuna fish enough to make them go flood an arena for me, correct?” He added, making Shaw groan with the suggestion. “Andre, that's illegal; Fishf–king's illegal,” Andre scoffed.

“As if I'd pay them for their sacrifice. The fish want to fuck me, Shaw, not the other way around, and my plan guarantees a punishment for the fish who want to fuck me, meaning this plan is not only moral, but has justice in it. This plan is as unbreakable as your tuna, Shaw.” The hitman explained, crossing his arms.

“um andre although youre very handsome shaws tuna fish are not only all lesbians but theyre also fish who dont feel attraction to beings other than fish and also you seducing them will not cause them to levitate into a crowded room willingly without accidentally dying and also having vengeance for you for killing them and their entire families” “its a very stupid plan” Jake corrected, disappointing Andre. “but its a good plan tho” He comforted, patting the assassin on his back.

Rex died. “FUCK!!!” The group was sent into a sudden panic as their main concern shifted from moving into a room to resurrecting their dead ally. “Oh shit, babe, I forgot about you!” Shaw exclaimed to her newly-deceased wife. “Hi,” Rex muttered. “how about i launch up the tunas with my bazookas ??” Damon suggested excitedly.

“the gnomes'll slip and die, like shaw said in that unsaved draft, but i can shoot them upwards so they deal 1-3 damage by hitting the gnomes' heads, then chaos will ensume, and when they're panicked, they'll be less focused and more likely to lose coordination. after they slip and fall, they'll try to get back up again but fail, causing them to slip yet again and crack open their skulls and get concussions and die. sound good ??”

“yea probably” “if we eliminate the possibility of the tuna flopping their way into your fucked up spongelike body” Jake said disappointingly. “that's a risk i'm willing to take. after all, it's my fault that i got distracted and shaw ended up filling the entire room with tuna fish.” Damon stated heroically. “And also this bullshit dice.” Shaw grumbled. “yes, also that little fucker.” He agreed.

Jake rolled up his metaphorical sleeves as he prepared to perform yet another attempt at destroying the ceiling. And the die says… “thats a twelve” “THE FIRST TWO-DIGIT ROLL EVER SINCE THE ÜBERCHARGED TUNA!!!!” Shaw yelled out gratefully, clapping her hands together. “thankfully your body can withstand the tunas and you survive and youre able to shoot about 130 of them into the arena” The group happily celebrated the achievement as if man landed on moon.

“might i remind you all that the death gnomes are still roaming around and the sound of the blast has alerted them” Jake buzzkilled. “you have 60 seconds until you die” “Jesus, Jake,” Andre said. “Fuck, can I give any suggestions, or…” Rex trailed off, hoping for a ‘yes’. “absolutely not” “corpses dont speak rex” “Have you learned nothing from last week's ‘Among Us’ débâcle?” Andre berated, referencing a mild discourse among the group caused by a dead Andre hinting who the imposter was and ending in Andre having a mustard sandwich for dinner because of rationed food and also punishment.

“Um, what if Damon runs up to Rex and revives her and if he's about to get killed, he'll self-destruct?” Shaw suggested. “yea sure i could do that !!” Damon agreed happily, imagining his extremely awesome death. “damon will self destruct meaning he will activate his emergency nuke that kills everybody in a 5 million kilometer range? that self destruct?!” Jake reminded, his face horrified. “Everybody, including the gnomes? If so, yes ❤️” Andre confirmed.

“well! lets just hope we get a good roll ok?”

end.

also written by rocky nord. yo

SO !! I HAVE CONCLUDED THAT THE ENDING OF THE FIRST PART WILL LEAD TO A BORING CONTINUATION.

THUSLY,

I WILL BE SKIPPING STRAIGHT TO THE ROMANCE,

BITCH.

The Skullsmashers arrived at the cabin, with Orc, Shaw, Dennis, and Damon helping to carry the luggage. Rachel went over to the counter to confirm that they'll be booked in for the next few nights.

“hi! i'm really sorry for arriving a little late than scheduled, but are all the rooms we booked still available?” She asked politely. “Oh. No. Not really, I mean, we tried and all, but half of them were completely incinerated by some guy with weird hair.” “Said he wanted to restore chaos or whatever.” The receptionist replied with not the slightest hint of pity in her voice. “… And two of the rooms you booked smell like fire.” He added, giving a :// face.

“oh. alrighty then. i'll… uh… go tell the others. thanks.” Rachel said, walking away. How the hell was she going to tell these guys, she doesn't know. “SON OF A BITCH WHAT THE FUCK” screamed Damon at the top of his lungs.

Rachel hurriedly went up a nearby staircase, leading the others to follow as well. “so!” She yelled out between huffs. “the– fire!” “some arsonist fucked up our rooms. most of them!” The engineer explained with a clearly frustrated, passive-aggresive tone in her voice.

“so, ten rooms, take half away–” “minus two… that's literally… literally just four rooms.” Rachel revealed, stressfully running a hand through her hair while trying to catch her breath. “gonn– do count” She struggled out, sitting down on the floor. “why the fuck did we book this shit at the eighth fucking floor?!”

“Four rooms, that's fourteen people, a jar, and Marge… someone do the math.” Dennis said, putting the luggage down. “14(+ORC-SARAH-WHITNEY)÷4 = // 14.5÷4=3.625ppl/room” Viper counted, leaving out the two aliens in the process of {peleraian in english}. “four in two rooms and three in the other two rooms. plus cyprus and marge :-)” they concluded, smiling.

«son of a bitch im not going to sleep in the same room with damon AND andre» thought Jake, who was hoping for some miraculous discovery that would prevent this from happening. Although, kinda gay that his first reaction to finding out that an arson attack happened at the hotel he was going to stay at was to fear he'd get caught up in a love triangle with his ex and his crush. god this sounds like a shitty ad for episode or w/ever

Knowing the intense discussions that would ensue upon hearing that unfortunate news, Andre gave a suggestion for the others to consider. “My house is just a few blocks away, if you wanna come over~~~~” He uttered desperately flirtingly. “Got two unoccupied guest bedrooms. King beds. And Shaw, Rex is babysitting the kids, so if you wanna help her out…”

“ABSOLUTELY THANK YOU PARDNER” Shaw shouted out loudly, giving Andre the most intensely gratuitous handshake he's ever had in his life. “I LOVE YOU. PEE.” She added, not really knowing how to say /p in real life.

That's good news and all, but Jake's a little conflicted on what exactly to do now. Sure, it could go like this:

hotel:

Dennis, Aaron, Damon

Cyprus, Sarah, ORC

Jake, Ace, Nova

Whitney, Henderson, Rachel

andre's:

andre, duh

Shaw, Rex

Viper

BUT, it could also go like this:

3. JAKE, ACE AND NOVA

andre aND DAMON

So, clearly, he's a little annoyed at the suggestion.

“Mm. Wanna stay here.” Henderson mumbled, her head resting on Rachel's shoulder and her arms hugging her softly. “gay. but yea i'm sleepy as fuck.” “thanks for the offer and all, andy, but i'll have to decline, dude.” Rachel said tiredly, walking to a room afterwards. “ace. nova. wanna come over?”

The two stammered for a believable excuse to leave temporarily to go hack a vending machine or two. By hack, I mean unplugging it, carrying it, and running for their lives. “We Need To…” Nova started, looking outside for a source of inspiration. “take shits.” Ace finished, giving Rachel a firm nod of honesty. “I… How'd You Even…” “well, ace, go right ahead. i did not need that information but i'll keep that in mind if you need me to bail you out again. goodnight.”

Ace ran quickly to explore the hotel, giggling as Nova chased them with a big, mischievous grin. “not so fast, nova– i didn't say you could go, buddy.” Rachel tegured assertively. “oooooooh the principal's office again, huhhhh?????” Ace teased annoyingly. “Shut The Up Bivth” Nova shot back, her eyebrows furrowed. “Yes Rachel??”

that shit didnt fuckin save ??????!? fuckkkkkk anyway novas in a knitting class that starts at nine rachel signed her up and ace is that wojak thats crying but :^) and since all the other chars have too much shit to write abt the fics focusing on shaw andre dennis aaron and damon, who are also accompanied by jake in a last minute decision and they're arriving at andres house rn and son of a bitch i wish i saved this shit

anyway

The six arrived at the front gates of Andre's house, a very loud series of honking jolting Dennis awake. “What fuckin' time is it?” He asked, rubbing his eyes. “It's 10 o'clock, you little pussy.” Aaron replied, stretching his legs in the backseat. Andre let out one final honk before he broke the car horn again, the first time it's survived more than three weeks.

“Shaw, did Rex text you anything?” Andre asked, facing the mad scientist. “Yep, thirty-one consecutive messages and three emails telling me that she misses me and forgot how I look like.” “Newest one says she's ‘going to kill whatever stupid bitch keeps honking’ because she ‘keeps thinking it's a delivery.’” Shaw said, putting her phone down.

“Did you tell her we're at the gate??” Andre asked with an irritated tone. “I did, but after she told me she's–”

“YOU MOTHERFUCKERS NEED TO SHUT THE FUCK UP !!!!!!!!!!!”

… yelled out Rex, who was diving into the car with a large shovel pointed downwards. “hey–” *clunk* Downwards… and towards Jake's head. “Sweetheart!!” Shaw said excitedly, hugging Rex. “?????????” “Andre was the honking bitch?” Rex asked with fear and embarrassment, mainly due to the fact that Andre was staring her down after she… well, almost killed him.

“Hi, I, uh, I'm really sorry for that. Andre. Uh. I made some cookies if you want.” Rex offered, giving him the kindest face she could have in this moment of terror. “I just baked them cookies last week. I put them in the fridge. I told them to offer you those. Did they offer you those?” Andre said monotonously, his stone-cold face sending chills to Jake's… nevermind, he's still dead.

“I was. Not informed on that.” Rex replied, slowly putting the shovel down. “Could you open the gate? I, uh, I'm being crushed here.” Shaw struggled out, her body trampled by Rex, whose shovel was also taking up her leg room. “Huh? Oh, yeah! Sorry for that, Shaw!” The assassin replied, zooming towards the inside wall and hitting a button. “Baby Jane!”

a few minutes later.

Andre, Damon, and Jake were hanging out in the dining room, having themselves some midnight snacks.

Andre opened the refrigerator, taking out his cookies. “Huh. There's literally two left. Who even does that?” He questioned, knowing it was definitely a conflicted Reese. “Anyway! Who wants to divide these bastards into fucking thirds?!” He offered excitedly, slamming the container onto the table and swiping a kitchen knife back and forth dramatically.

“how do you even divide things into thirds” Jake asked, holding an ice pack to his head. “I… actually kinda forgot. Like, I remember there's three… but the shape… that, I don't remember.” Andre said. “Well, math was my least favourite subject growing up. It makes no sense, but everybody uses it like it's some sorta status or whatever. Also, high school math was fucked up.” He elaborated, tracing a cookie with the knife. “All math's fucked up… they just constantly make you feel like shit, that everybody's better than you, and you don't know a thing about numbers… that girl on TikTok was right.”

“Should I microwave it?” He asked, unable to penetrate the cookie. :-} . “doesn't it explode or something… or is that grapes…” Damon advised unsurely. “hey ive never had a hot grape” Jake pointed out, only now realizing this. “Grapes taste cold… they just do…”

“I microwaved a guy's hand once. He passed out.” Andre revealed, his voice muffled by the loud noises the microwave made. “who the fuck is michael” Jake asked, slightly jealous and also hearing him wrong. “I dunno, probably Daniel's or something. He keeps drawing dead bodies on the walls lately, that's kinda weird.” *ding!*

“so now that were alon–” Jake muttered, only to be interrupted by loud footsteps smacking against the plank flooring of the hallway. “daddy my hairs bleeding again 8-(” Daniel said, tugging at Andre's hand. “What the fuck. Go to your Auntie Shaw, okay?” He replied, knowing that sight will haunt him for at least a few weeks.

“Sorry, he does that sometimes. Can't blame him, though, he was only made in a month.” “Anyway! Cookies!” Andre exclaimed, chopping them into quarters instead. “was that my son, or ..” Damon asked. “Technically, your great-great-great–” “Uh, about great-seventy-times-nephew.” Andre said, shoving a cookie in Damon's mouth to avoid further questions he barely knows the answers to.

“so while thats being taken care of, can we talk about how we still haven't broken up yet? andre?” Jake asked pettily, squinting his eye slightly. “Wait, what? I– I think we did…?” Andre said, surprised. “… we didn't. Well, you can dump me for cheating on you now.” He added nonchalantly, revealing his secret relationship to them. “WHO”

“It's Dante. Real nice guy. Total himbo…” Andre elaborated, his mind drifting away momentarily. “We are? I'm straight tho so peace ✌️ 💯” Dante asked before popping back into the basement. “We slept together… You said you wanted to marry me…” Andre said, confused. “Yea but no homo bro lol 😎😣😇” He concluded, closing the trapdoor. “Unbelievable.”

“well that mans straight. also i have no objection to being in an open relationship” Jake said quickly, as if he wanted Andre to brush it off. “Wait. Do you want us to date or nah?” The hitman asked, scratching his head. “could b cool ¯\_(ツ)_/¯” The punk replied casually as his heart raced like it was an Olympian.

“So, I guess that settles it, then.” “Dante?” The trapdoor creaked as it opened by the force of the cannibal's head pushing it upwards. “Go ahead bro!” He said happily. “We're dating again.” Andre said formally, giving Jake a handshake. The bluenette blushed at the first time he received human physical contact ever since Henderson pushed him into a lake at the park two weeks ago.

“fuck yeah gay rights bro !!!!!” Damon cheered, his author crying about the fact that this too wasn't fucking saved but yea anyway “cant believe we got back together the same day i got sliced with a shovel by a hitman. ily babi” Jake said to his new boyfriend, Damon holding back his laughter at the mild cuss word like a weak man holding back a door from multiple hungry zombies.

Andre chuckled, his hand moving towards Jake's. “So I got a new boyfriend now, huh?” he asked, smiling lightly. “so do i lmao” Jake replied, softly holding the assassin's warm hand. Damon sat there quietly and awkwardly, taking a small, crumbly bite out of his cookie portion.

“does this mean you're my great-seventy-times stepbrother or something?” Damon asked, squinting his eyes at Jake. “ah that reminds me” Jake started casually, before thinking further and realising that what he's about to do could go wrong. “is daniel okay like does he do that a lot or” The punk asked instead, changing the subject.

“Sometimes I catch him holding the bottoms of the pots and pans right after I make a meal. No burns on him at all.” Andre said, secretly worried about the boy, but masking it with… pride? “And sometimes his eyeballs explode whenever he goes into the bath.” He elaborated in order to clarify that Daniel's somehow simultaneously extremely strong and extremely sensitive. “So I have no idea.”

“yea .. sounds like some stuff 5-year-old me would do if i had superpowers from some weird cursed alien ..” Damon muttered, feeling sure the kid's okay. “so, uh, jake, are we still… on, or…?” The short one asked, trailing off for an answer. “for what” Jake asked back, visibly confused.

Damon sat back in his chair, raising his eyebrows at the man. “same thing you asked him, buddy.” “although, technically the opposite.” Jake became even more confused, putting the ice pack down and staring at it. “did i forget something” Andre moved his dark orbs over to Damon's dark orbs and then they stared at each other and they were both hot.

The assassin leaned forward to the bandit, his crossed arms dragging across the table. “Is this a prank or something…” He asked in a hard tone, his eyes fixated on his. “that's your first question ... i genuinely thought you were gonna kill me or something ...” “babe what the shit is going on”

“well. in case you forgot. you um. we sleep together and i spoon you and stuff. and we kiss each other. so” Damon explained, flipping his spoon back and forth. “were DAITNG?!!!!!” Jake asked loudly as a wide, pointy grin stretched across his face.

Damon gave him a disappointed, worried, hopeful, pouty, sad, and miserable look. “i think ..” “andre am i dating this man.” Andre stared at the ceiling for a while before making the decision. “Fuck it! Three boyfriends!” He shouted out, grabbing a quick bite from his cookie. “thr”

“tgree” “,5” “tgre” “ three” thr-£” Jake struggled out. “Take your time, honey.” “dante jake” “That's you…” “and me?” “That's you twice…” “fuck” “me dante cyprus” “Think carefully…” “ne” “me.” “Yes,” “dante and” “dAmON” “ME ?????? ME ????????????? ANDRE ??????????????????????????? ME ??????????? YOU” “THREE” “Yes,” “W”

Damon calmed himself down, though his hands were as shaky as the little things in the maracas when you use the maracas. “we're !!!!!!!¡¡ dating ‽¿‽” He asked Andre, his crush for the past few months. Really, ever since they met. “If… you want.” Andre received a tough push from Damon, who was actually joking. “you fucking dumbass. obviously” He muttered, and oh fuck i hust tealised this happy ending just fucked up all the angst and conflict shit shit shit

“No, fuck you, I hate you to death and will eat your flesh in front of your loved ones as you bleed out from your weakly corpse.” Andre said, wait nevermind too dark

Okay! Going back!

“So I got a new boyfriend now, huh?”

Even more!

“Baby Jane!”

Not too much!

“Huh. There's only two left. Who even does that?” Andre questioned, knowing it was definitely a conflicted Reese.

Perfect.

“well, enough for us. don't think jake can taste things right now.” Said Damon as he eyed Jake's unmoving body resting on a sofa in the living room. “He'll be alright. In the morning, it'll just be a gnarly scar and a funny story.” Andre comforted, putting down a bowl in front of Damon. “thanks, man.”

“Hope it's not too cold. Microwave's busted; Daniel put a whole live deer in it.” “i what?” Damon asked the assassin, not believing him fully. “Yeah, your weird… nephew? Yeah, he likes blood and gore and murder and devils and stuff.” Andre explained with his mouth partially full. “i mean, i liked horror movies as a little kid, but that's a little too far…” “i even had a crush on this guy on this cover of this dvd we had, pinh– nevermind,” Damon stopped himself, unable to go through the unending torment of light mocking that would possibly follow.

“Who doesn't have crushes on horror movie villains? I got a crush on fuckin’ Cleverdime once. Still do, actually.” Andre revealed casually, chuckling. “who the fuck is clev– hold on, clever… dime…” “does this cleverdime happen to be a hot sexy clown with too many teeth and runny saliva?” Damon asked, hoping Andre was in the same boat as him. “Cleverdime is a haunted Victorian mime who eats children's legs and– yeah, super hot mine with too many teeth. He's attractive, but unconventionally. And people are cowards.” He ranted endlessly, sobbing.

“i feel your pain. people keep thinking i have a vore kink, but i don't. i simply see the large clown tongue and, well, i'm a very simple man, you know?” Damon explained, making the bond between the two reinforce further with the power of clorny (clown horny) “Mimes!” “yes !!” “Hot!!” “ y e s ! ! !” They agreed, Andre falling into Damon's warm embrace from society and the rest of the ringleaders' harsh criticism of Andre's general attraction to people.

“they're just clownphobic” “Yes!” “they don't want c– they're fucking coulrophobic or something!!” “Holy shit, that's literally it!” Andre realized, excitedly running a hand through his hair. “They hate clowns because they're literally scared of clowns! That kinda makes sense! Yeah!” He shouted out excitedly, a tear of joy running down his face.

They sat in silence momentarily, unable to continue the conversation. “So how's the weather lately?” Andre asked, holding a cookie piece between his fingers. “yeah, just .. snow. that's basically it.” Damon sighed as he silently wished for a short vacation to somewhere a little less freezing. “Oh. Right. Yeah, 'cause… yeah, you guys're in that Vechnaya Zima place…” He trailed off awkwardly, forgetting that the name of the place the main base is in currently literally translates to ‘Endless Winter’.

The pair had another awkward silence, before a loud creak echoed in the wide hallway. “Oh, don't worry, that's just you.” Andre assured, peeking his head out. “i didn't fucking fart. what the fuck.” Damon stated with an offended tone.

“Hey bro 😎” Said a tired Dante, who entered the room. He gave Damon a tough pat on the back and proceeded to open the refrigerator. “Andre, where's my protein shake” The cannibal asked, reaching down to search the lowest shelf. “Your what.” “I thought that was like.” “Sauce…” Andre struggled out, panicking. “I put bones in it Andre” “Why would a sauce have bones and teeth” Dante questioned, visibly upset. “Texture…?”

Dante stared at the two as he held a gallon of chocolate milk as a replacement for the shake. “Gay” He exclaimed, headbutting the fridge door to close it. “mayhaps, my doppelganger. mayhaps,” Damon muttered wisely, patting the haunted man's shoulder. “I'm almost always here if you like” “Ya Know” “Ahaha…” Dante trailed off, attempting to wink at the traveller. “yea sure okay. tall bitch.”

“sorry about that. i'm simply too sexy to be ignored… especially by a clone.” Damon said to a sleepy Andre. “Hm? Oh, yeah, you two…” “Like, what are you guys, if you don't mind me asking?” Andre asked cautiously to Damon, who was eager to answer him. “good question !! no fucking idea !!” He yelled out, clapping his hands together like SpongeBob Boi Meme. im so fucking sorry to bring up that fuck im nostalgic now god i miss not being in secondary school

“Like, at all?” “nope !! but rex said we could **** each other if we wanted to because genetically we're very different but that's it so !!” Damon explained, downing a glass of milk with cookie crumbs in it. “Ah, okay. I'm guessing that's the same reason…” “… that she created daniel with some of me in him… yeah…” “see, dante and me and cyprus, i mean, let's say cyprus wants 200% more of an average human being from his planet,” “and dante's only, like, what, 70%? and i'm even worse at 30%, so they made little danny, who's 100%, since he's us combined. now, he just has to be mutated severely until he reaches 200, then cyprus gets his dream of ruling the human race!”

“except we're… not really doing that. daniel was created for that, but really, after them going to that jungle city, well, they've got some nice candidates all lined up.” “still, not gonna let cyprus do his thing, though. we're thinking of mutating this spider guy just a bit so he reaches 200, then injecting the little bastard in, and putting the guy into a simulation without him even knowin' it. that's plan a.”

“plan b's a little more vicious; after 200%, we starve the poor little spider in stages until he reaches around 25, then put him in a cell to suffocate and die.” “we just don't know where to do that now, since literally anything could happen and the cycle repeats again.” Damon elaborated, sitting back in his chair.

“What if you just throw the jar into a volcano or something?” Andre asked honestly. “yea, we did consider that, but cyprus being in control of a volcano and probably all the land in the universe would be very horrifying and could possibly mean total extinction for life in general.” “I thought the melting point for copper was like… enough to be melted in lava.”

“technically he's only copper-based, since the bullet's just basically his… car. and also his cage. we're only able to move and control him solely because of the bullet. if we isolated him, well, he could get into anything.” Andre :^{ faced. “He's a ghost. Immortal, can possess practically anything…” “Wish we could put him into a stupid hat or something.” Damon snickered at the suggestion, making the two feel a little better. “or gay little heart-shaped glasses…” “Yeah, definitely!”

Jake is still unconscious. Just some Jake Content for you all. Jontent. “well, i guess we better… go to bed or something…” Damon said, reminding Andre. “Oh, right! It's, uh…” “Two in the morning already. Damn!” He exclaimed, surprised they both sat there eating two cookies and conversing for that long. “what exactly should we do with jake?” The spiky-haired one asked, stretching his arms.

“No, it's okay, lemme handle it.” “Been carrying around lots of bodies lately.” Andre said casually as he lifted up Jake to carry him like a bride. “by the way, where's the bedroom?” Damon asked, looking around. “Down the hallway, to the right.” “oh, okay.” He said as he opened the door for the extremely handsome man.

Andre threw Jake onto the bed roughly, before realising that the man just had a shovel to the head and was thusly very exhausted. “biiiitich” Jake grumbled, attempting to slap Andre but instead missing and looking like he was waving tiredly. “Sorry, sorry! Force of habit.” The assassin apologized, pressing an ice pack to the wound. “Looks better now…”

“babe am i dead” Jake asked, his mind still in a daze. “Honey, you just got hit in the head kinda bad. We also broke up.” Andre clarified, much to Jake's disappointment. “hey you, you're finally awake !! you were trying to cross the border, right ?? walked right into that shovel.” Damon said excitedly as he internally scratched off a line in his bucket list.

“ohh yeaaa thee shoveeeel” “how am i not dead” “Jake, you're the protagonist's potential gay love interest. You'll only die when one of you confesses their love for the other.” Andre said slyly, making Damon a little curious. “jake, i love you.” He muttered quickly, instantly killing Jake. “Damon, what the fuck?” Andre asked, looking at his deceased boyfriend. “it's okay, he'll come back in a flashback in the finale and also some buzzfeed articles. and multiple gifsets on tumblr.”

“Okay, well, I'm not sleeping with a corpse.” Andre clarified immediately. Damon tilted his head as he thought for a bit. “neither am i.” He agreed, eliminating the option of anyone sleeping with Jake. “The guest rooms are full, and the kids always barricade their doors before they sleep.” Andre said nonchalantly, with a hint of flirtation. “Just in case there's a robbery or a kidnapper or a murderer or an infestation~” Damon sighed. “here come the tildes.”

“Tiddies? I'm sorry, I already got rid of those.” Andre said casually. “Can't fight in a binder! Or with them swinging around uselessly!” He elaborated, flipping his hair. “I can make up for it, though~~” Damon stared at his unmoving boyfriend as he debated how Jake would respond to this.

“horny bitch. yea go ahead im dead anyway” Shouted out Jake's ghost, who immediately tried to push furniture around. “weeeeee” Andre completely ignored the screeching of the chairs in the room as he ran his fingers through Damon's hair. “Poggers,”

to be continued in

a fic by rocco wulfram north, m.d.

(found that name on hardcore baby names)

–chmapter jop–

before the tríp

It was a normal day for the Skullsmashers: go to somewhere, kill people, be gay, sleep, get brunch. Right now was the first part of their daily routine, and they were getting ready for it.

“holy fuck nova could you hurry the shit up i have to brush my fucking teeth you bitch” Ace hissed, knocking repeatedly on the bathroom door. “Fuck You. I'm Going To Go To Hell Itself” Nova gargled back, mouth full of mouthwash. More banging was heard; the door had seen better days.

Several feet away was Jake, all dressed up and ready to go, waiting for the others to get ready. He sat on the couch gayly in the living room down the hall, scrolling through Apocalypse Twitter. ‘every day i throw down an unpeeled boiled egg from the rooftop to simulate fear and unreadiness’ he read, a tweet from Orc's account. What the fuck. Classic Orc.

“ah fuck !! am i late !!” Jake turned around to see Damon panicking and counting the daggers in his pockets. “no no not at all. i just get ready really quickly to throw everyone into a state of disarray” Jake replied in an honest, monotone voice. “come sit down”

Damon sat down nervously next to his captain, knowing he'll ask him for Bambi on the PS2 now. “look. look at them those dumbshits” Jake uttered, pointing to Ace and Nova arguing. “those little bastards are completely unaware that ive put a fake cockroach puppet in the mirror. watch now” he added, pulling out a cheap remote control and pressing a button.

*sound of glass breaking* Jake sighed. “okay maybe that wasn't really the best idea” Nova screamed, running out of the bathroom and confusing Ace. “Fucking Roach!!!!!!!!!!!!!” she yelled, already too far away from them to be heard clearly. “huh. well okay then!” Ace grinned, going into the bathroom.

“i'll guard. you do your thing okay? :-)” Damon said to Jake, smiling mischievously. Jake's heart skipped a beat as he was suddenly flustered by the killer's action. «oh god, shit's just gonna get more complicated from here» he thought, staring into nothingness.

Damon braced himself against the bathroom door, eager to hear Ace's chaotic screaming. “ready ??” Damon asked, sending Jake back to the real world. “hhuh??????? oh yea right” he mumbled before beginning to control the cockroach with the remote. “this shit cost me like 200 bucks so it better be worth it”

HOLY MOTHER OF

F U C K

JAKE JESUS FUCKING CHRIST

WHAT THE S H IT DUDE

ace will remember this.

Jake cackled loudly, rolling on the floor and hitting the table with his fist. “LMAOOOOK FUCK YOUUU” he yelled, angering Ace even more. “I WILL GODDAMN SKIN UOUR FUCKIGN ISTINEDSTINES OLD MAN I SWEAR TKC FUCKF” they yelled back, pushing the door repeatedly. “IM GOIND TO FUCKIGN DIR HERE YOU BITCH”

“ah . ace ? could you move a little please ? i'm trying to get in ?” Damon said annoyingly kindly, making Ace jab a fake knife through the space between the door and the doorway. “THIS IS THE BEST FUCKIGN KNIFE I HAVE ON ME RIGT NOW BUT PLEADR JSUT FUCK O F F”

“hm ... i'll have to check in with the blacksmith today to know what this one's worth... possibly rusted here, though.... could also just be dirt tho.....” Damon mumbled, examining the knife. “FUCKING HEL P” Ace yelled in distress, his breath seeping through the door. “ace. brush your fucking teeth that's disgusting.”

“IM FUCKIF D TRYINF THERES JUST A FUCKGIFN ROSCH HEREERF” Ace explained fearfully, trying their best to get some pity from the other. “a what ?? don't think we have those here” “A FUCKIFN COKROSKC” “corrosion ???? how bad” “FUCK YOU A GODDMAND COKCROACH” “girls?? what?? are they milfs??” “HOW THEE DFUCKDB DID YEOU HEAR FTHAY WHATS DUCUNESKRHI”

Jake's hand slapped against Damon's shoulder as a way of saying thanks. “good work out there soldier. us skullsmashers really need someone like you damon” He said confidently, disguising his flirting as a compliment. “cool !! you too man !!” The shorter man replied, completely unaware of the flirting and continuing to yearn for the mutual love between him and Jake. fuckin idiots lmao

“alrighty fuckers, let's move!”

Rachel's voice sent Ace and Nova into a panic, making them scram to look for their weapons and equipment. “Got everything ya need? W'ain't makin' any stops; tryin'a save fuel.” Shaw asked, leaning against the wall at the entrance menacingly. “When the fuck did you even come here.” Dennis asked in surprise, carrying suitcases. “Hmph. Man never tells his secrets, young man.” She replied, tilting her cowboy hat. “What…”

Aaron was sitting peacefully in the trunk of a pickup truck they had, only to be met by a large backpack to the face. “ah!!!!!!!! very sorry!!!!!!! we'll be going in separate vehicles, and trunk space is very much needed!!!!!!!!” Whitney said, apologizing. “Ah. Well. O-okay then.” Aaron stuttered out, holding back tears from the painful impact the backpack had. Pretty sure he'll get a bruise from that.

Henderson and Rachel were waiting in the front seats of yet another pickup truck. To pass the time, they took very cringey pictures of each other pretending to be on Cowboy TikTok™. “Do one where you're pregnant with the truck's baby!” Henderson suggested, making Rachel flip the bird at her but begrudgingly agreeing with her stupid idea. “i literally would skin you alive.” She spat out, putting a pumpkin inside her shirt. “That's… literally so sexy, babe.” Henderson replied back, taking more pictures.

Meanwhile, Andre was busy explaining to Cyprus, who was in a small glass jar, that forcibly entering Damon's bloodstream and mutilating his entire body was not very nice, with Orc and Sarah judging. “YES BUT UNLIMITED POWER COULD BE RIGHT IN OUR HANDS ANDRE” “That'd very mean of you to do, and could actually probably kill you too in the process.” he explained to deaf ears. Well, technically no ears. Yet. “CYPRUS I KNOW IT SOUNDS STUPID BUT YOU COULD LITERALLY DO THE SAME BUT LIKE IN AN ELEPHANTS BODY DUDE” Orc suggested, only to be ignored. “cmon cyprus just pleaaaaase dont kill ppl ok”

Jake looked outside, then back at Damon. “well guess its time to move!” “yea ... but at what cost.” Damon replied confusingly, making a sad face. “did you know today is…” he started, then regretted saying anything. “nvm…” He turned away from the punk, sniffling and walking to Dennis and Aaron.

“damon” “??” Jake asked quietly, craning his neck a little before making the decision to leave the new recruit alone. Instead, he joined Henderson and Rachel in their odd activities.

“hey guys. i fucking miss sans.” Damon confessed, taking a seat next to Dennis. “My nose is bleeding.” Aaron pointed out. “ok. today's sunday. and you Know what That Means… Meant,” The boy continued, facing the ground. “Kanye West he…” Dennis began (begun???? idk). “… liked.” Aaron continued, also affected emotionally by the departure of not only Sans, but Komaeda too.

Jake stared longingly at the family, wishing he was a part of it too. He truly felt Ariel Little Mermaid's desire to become human. Seven Vagánias… that was a risk he was willing to take for him. He would shave his eyebrows off for that man, and he just might do it right now.

“Jake? Don't do that. Please don't fucking do that.” Henderson suddenly interrupted, surprising Jake. “do what” Henderson squinted her eyes, giving Jake a suspicious look. “That's the face you make when you want to do silly things…” She pointed out.

“You had that when you almost electrocuted yourself at that stable, you had that when you threw the dart at Scoran, you had that when you glued Marcus and Reese–” “OKAY OKAY I GET IT IM A DUMMY SILLY LITTLE BITCH BOY OK”

Rachel put the pumpkin back on the ground and went to the two friends, curious to know what the quarrel was about. “what's poppin gayboy!” She loudly asked, slapping Jake's forearm strongly. “i am in peril and shaking and crying” “daddy issues” “yget?” He explained, gesturing towards the Russells.

“ah. please clarify what kind.” Rachel said, knowing Jake has a very questionable taste for fictional middle-aged men, such as Sigma Overwatch and the guy from the cowboy game. “the fuckin. family one rachel” “look at em just vibing and simply being gay”

Rachel and Henderson gave eachother a look that questioned whether Damon and Jake were going to be a thing or not, since Jake's technically still with Andre. “Considering the fact that they adopted Damon, they could probably also adopt you if you wanted to.” Henderson suggested, knowing Jake wouldn't like this and would stupidly unknowingly accidentally confess his love for Damon to them both right then and there.

“what?????” “ew no thatd be fuckin incest or some shit what the fuck” Jake said, being grossed out. “what would be the incestuous part, jacon. we did not say or hint at anything related to incest.” Rachel asked, making Jake's hair stand up in panic. “fuCKIN NOTHING DUH” “BUT LIKE YKNOW I GET CRUSHES REALLY EASILY YEA??????” Jake explained weirdly.

“So there's a new one right now, huh…” Henderson asked… feeling like she was in Ace Attorney. “no!!!! no wait” “well yea– no.. but i–” “fuck You but yes” Jake grumbled. “ah no, we won't tell, obviously. it was just getting way too obvious, so we just wanted to hear it from both sides.” “WH” Rachel said mysteriously, getting into the driver's seat of the pickup truck. “okay guys let's go!!” She yelled out, starting the engine. “THE FUCK IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN??????” “BOTH SIDES???”

chapter dos

two four trucks

The journey to god knows fuckin where idk didn't plan i guess a fuckin cabin or smth idk was long and torturous, especially when Rachel said that cryptic-ass thing before going. What the fuck was that supposed to mean, bro.

sudden interlude for seating arrangements !!

truck 1: Henderson, rachel, whitney, CYPRUS

truck 2: jake, damon, marge, Andre, Aaron

truck 3: ace, Nova, Dennis

truck 4: sarah, ORC, Shaw, viper

truck two.

Jake awkwardly patted Marge's head in the backseat of the truck, avoiding eye contact with Damon and Andre. Of course he had to go on a three-day trip in the same car with his ex, his crush, AND his crush's father. God, he was pretty sure this was the lab rats' doing.

“cows.” Damon pointed outside, earning Andre's attention. “Holy– what are those?” He asked, taking his sunglasses off to admire the beautiful little cows. “Cows… we drink their milk and wear their skin as jackets…” Aaron explained, his eyes drifting from the road momentarily. “They can have best friends and stuff. Really nice guys. Also, they're expensive as hell.”

“Y–You do what. Their skin??” Andre asked, his voice a pitch higher than usual. “yeah and we rate them based on which layer it is. also, like their meat, expensive as hell. but still very cool.” Damon said, confusing Andre even more. “they also give us cheese and ice cream and whipped cream and stuff. underrated little babies. they deserve better.” “they also have nose rings which are punk as hell–”

“Wait, why the nose– cheese?! Cheese?! AND ice cream??!” Andre asked again, his mind attempting to comprehend the greatness that cows are. “Oh man, you are not ready to hear about pigs.” Aaron said jokingly. “What the fuck are pigs???” “Sausages, ham slices, bacon, lard, leather too, rotisserie–” “aaron please i'm gonna throw up.” “Oh, right. Sorry,”

Jake sat quietly in his seat, just now realising how much of his world Andre's missing. Sure, his world was much cooler, but do they have sheep? Palm trees? Penguins? Thought not, bitch. “andre do you know what a kangaroo is” He asked, breaking his silence like that one YouTuber.

“A what?” “kangaroo. some of them are buff as shit and they move by hopping. they cant hop backwards and they also keep their babies in little pouches attached to them and their bones and guts are exposed on the inside of said pouch. baby kangaroos are about the size of a jellybean, and the adults can box you”

“They what” “yea they're weird as fuck.” “its from australia so” “That sounds fake.” “oh man. wombats bro. quokkas. fuckin drop bears and flying foxes. PLATYPUSES!!!” “wombats poop in cubes and quokkas are always smiling” “Koala bears hold onto tree branches and eat their mom's shit, which is the leaves of said tree branches.” “Please stop what the fuck” “ohoho fucking GEESE” “GET IM JAKE MY NEIGHBOR HAD FUCKIN THREE OF THOSE BITCHES”

truck three.

The three sat silently, with the exception of Dennis, who was swearing at random times. “You call that a fuckin’ turn, old man?! HUH?!!” Ace's shoulders jumped, the sudden exclamations preventing them from sleeping through the trip. “This Is Probably The Last Time We'll See Each Other Alive.” Nova stated calmly. “i slept for like two minutes last night… didn't even get to wear conditioner today. unrelated but just sharing my struggles with you.” Ace said, shifting into a more comfortable sleeping position.

Dennis overheard the two talking, and opted to stay quiet for the rest of the trip, before stumbling across a strange sight. “FROG!!!” he yelled, waking up the duo. “he said fuck! he said the f” Ace yelled out while rubbing their eyes. “Are We Aliven't” Nova asked, stretching. “Sadly, no, but the good news is, I found a frog!” Dennis excitedly said, opening the car door.

“WHAT” “THAT SHITS GONNA POISON US WHAT THE FUCK” Nova yelled out, unfortunately not loud enough for Dennis to hear it. The man kept walking towards the creature that was technically an alien to them, and picked it up with watery hands. “DENNIS YOU'RE GONNA FUCKING KILL US ALL!!!!!!! DENNIS!!!!!!”

“So, you kids know how to handle a frog?” Dennis asked in a wholesome tone, alerting the two even more. “KILL IT KILL IT FUCKING KILL IT” “Oh, are you guys allergic to this little guy? Sorry, I'll put it in the dashboard instead.” “GET ITBOUT WHAT THE FUCK DENNID JESUS” “… Huh?” “POSIOJ DART FOGR” Nova shouted, hiding behind the passenger seat and being pushed by Ace, who was also going to hide there. “BITCH”

Dennis and the frog stared at them in confusion, hearing their horrified screams. “This is… a wood frog… not a poison dart… that one would probably die in this climate…” he explained plainly, his hands gently cupping the newfound friend. “oh. ok” Ace muttered quietly, while Nova maintained an awkward silence. “You can… pat them very softly if you want.” Dennis suggested. “Or spray the shit outta them. That could work too.”

Nova nervously held out her hand to pat the frog, then smiled in succeeding to do so. “Death Quivers Before Me” She said, proceeding to pat it even more. “can i do the spray thing.” Ace asked, their voice quiet as a whisper. “Yeah, sure. Go right ahead.”

*the frog was going to die so technically they didnt like fuck up the ecosystem or smth. do not attempt this irl.

truck four.

“What jolly tunes d'ya have on this here truck. Fellas.” Shaw asked, observing the radio. “uh, really, i don't think it'll be necessary!!!!!” Viper nervously said, only to be ignored. “NONSENSE! ONE'S TASTE IN SHANTIES PROVES TO BE A WINDOW INTO THEIR LIVES.” Orc said wisely, patting them on the shoulder. “i guess that's good advice, but really–”

TWO TRUCKS HAVING SEX. TWO TRUCKS HAVING SEX. MY MUSCLES. MY MUSCLES. INVOLUNTARILY FLEX.

“I SEE. A MATING SONG FOR YOUR SPECIES?” “my truck f### playlist,.,.,.” Viper tried to mute the speaker to no avail as most of the buttons on the control panel were very much broken. “I'm. Very sorry for this, pardner. But this doesn't sound so bad. I could put this in a jukebox…” Shaw consoled, only making them panic more. “im so f#ckig sorry” They said, before smashing the radio with a briefcase.

They all paused for a moment, unsure of what to do. “i have spotify…” Sarah croaked, holding up her phone. “they have lemon demon too, if you want…” She muttered, scrolling through the song choices. “does anyone want to listen to wet a–” “no.” “okay.”

The truck grew even quieter for a while, until Shaw gave a suggestion to pass the time. “Wanna play 20 questions?” “I'll start: how many folks have y'all killed?” Viper gave the assassin a horrified look, confusing her. “I think mine's around 150. No… 145…” She confessed, rubbing her chin. “Wait, or was it 160?”

“like six. do you like girls, and, follow up question, do you also coincidentally like short girls with long hair.” Sarah said without hesitation, stopping Orc from answering the first question. “Yes! I literally have a wife!” Shaw shouted happily, rolling up her sleeves to show Sarah her tattoos. “This one is her setting herself on fire and me getting inspired–” “ah, yes–” “That one was a total cover-up! Previously, it was the names of my exes, all thirteen of them, but now, it's my cat!”

After some time of receiving a bit too much RexShaw lore, Sarah finally got the answer she so desperately needed from Viper. This was the verdict that determines whether she could make a move or not. This answer could change– “i am gay and do not get attracted to women. thank you.” Ah. Back to more hunting. “I am a lesbian! High-five!” Shaw exclaimed.

And finally, the first truck.

truck one.

Loud country music blared in the truck as they drove by the snowy mountains of uhh. Winsnow. Like winter and snow. They had all chosen separate routes in order to cover more land and see if there were any new developments in the area.

“BRANDY!!! FETCH ANOTHER ROUNF!!!!!!” Rachel screeched as she drummed on the dashboard. “AND SHE FJSJS” Henderson kept driving, searching every inch of land for a rest stop to stretch her legs and also listen to something else.

“hendy.” Rachel said, getting her girlfriend's attention. “do you wanna buy that slime that cleans cars and stuff?” Henderson stared into the distance, pondering. “Hm. There's always the possibility of the slime disappearing under mysterious circumstances and turning up in the trash can the next day covered in saliva, so.” Whitney looked away, feeling attacked.

“yeah, that's a problem.” Rachel muttered, her hand instinctually moving to Henderson's. “Please don't crash the car.” She begged, looking sadly at her. “is there a domino's nearby. i heard they have that new peanut butter chocolate lava cake.” Rachel asked, cupping Henderson's face gently.

“Rachel. There's fucking mountains.” Henderson pointed out, gesturing towards their surroundings. “That shit will freeze.” Rachel put her head down in disappointment. “yeah. damn.” “MORE FLESH!!! MORE FLESH!!! MORE FUCKING FLESH!!!”

Oh yeah, Cyprus was here the whole time. “why does the metal say fuck?????” And Whitney too! “MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS. FLESH NEEDED!” Cyprus yelled out, resembling a hungry toddler on a road trip.

“do you want like a burger or something......” Whitney asked, judging the spirit. “FLESH” “like are you more of a kfc or a mcdonalds guy” “NEED FLESH” She gave the couple a look, one that was kind of undecipherable due to her lack of normal face details like eyebrows, visible pupils, etc.

“So, three peanut butter lava cakes and one meat lover's… what else?” “ah!!!!!! no lava cake for me, i'm on a diet!!!!!! dirt and dirt only!!!!!!!!!!! also fish bones as a treat” Whitney corrected, her eyes searching for a nearby body of water. “Or, we could get Cyprus the fish meat, and Whitney the bones.” “sounds good to me!!!!!!!!” “FLESH”

…

“welcome to domino's! can i get your order?”

“three peanut butter lava cakes, please. that's all. thank you.” Rachel said, her seat switched with Henderson's, who was too nervous to order. “okay but they each take like three hours to make” “what.” “yea you can stop by like the grocery store up ahead” “fuck you for ordering this” “i–” “fuck off”

the grocewy stowe

The truck stopped by the front of the building, Rachel telling them to go in first while she searches for a good parking spot. Much to Henderson's disappointment.

“My lover…” Henderson said with fear in her voice. “it's okay… go along… i… i have to do this for you…” “for you all… i won't forget the good that you've done to me and everyone i've ever known…” “Rach, please don't go, I lo–” “you all are the kindest people… heaven may wait eagerly for you, but as for me, the ground trembles for its latest meal. fresh from the oven, i will enter the furnace…” “why the fuck would they cook you again” “because i'm TOAST!!” “haha”

“Kill Ronald Reagan while you're at it… I forgot which one he is but I'm pretty sure he's a total bitch…” “i will meet you doomguy” “heeeeeeeh” Rachel whined weakly as she slowly drove over to the spot she wanted.

MOTHERFUCKER.

A silver Honda Civic quickly made its way into there, angering the scientist. “not on my watch, fucker.” Rachel muttered, sliding the pickup truck across the road. She slammed her palm onto the car horn, which terrified even a murder of crows.

“huh wonder who that is” “hm anyway which fish do u like ???? :-)”

A woman who seemed to be in her late 40s exited the Honda Civic, throwing a rather large and flashy boa around her neck. “Jesús, ít's cold in hère,” The lady commented, putting on a pair of expensive-looking sunglasses. “Márie, come along, ma cheghhy!” (i forgot how to spell it)

oh, son of a B I T C H .

it's the french lady who smells weird.

Of course, seeing your enemy in any circumstance that wasn't planned was clearly a little scary and will probably be your last day alive, but bumping into them at a Target was kinda… awkward.

Both the hazelnut and the dolphin were less armed and armoured than usual, and there weren't any bodyguards or security. Usually, if a top leader goes anywhere, the standard protocol was to do thirty separate background checks on the location and have it guarded up somewhere in the three months before their arrival.

So, obviously, someone in Top 50 driving around town in a decades-old car buying groceries isn't very safe, or probably even legal. Hell, she hasn't even seen them wear anything this ridiculous ever. Could this be a distraction? Or is it an opportunity?

Ah, wait, they're both wearing their stupid little marriage bracelets.

It's the middle of October.

This is their anniversary vacation.

Shit.

in the store

Henderson strolled through the aisles with Whitney at her side, hugging Cyprus's jar. She examined the cereal boxes to make sure they didn't contain any food colouring that could potentially kill her.

Whitney, on the other hand, zoomed over to the meat section, licking her lips at the sight of a raw cod. “cyprus…… do you feel that? the need to devour a being???? the uncontrollable desire for energy that it transcends all laws and regulations placed on mankind?????? the growing hunger for power, one that's so strong it controls your every need????

a natural, primal instinct to become such a brutal being that no one, not even you, recognise yourself anymore. you look at yourself in the mirror and you feel like you want to destroy that, to put yourself onto the pedestal you belong on, to wreak havoc on the cosmos of all beings, living and dead, real and mythical, walking and extinct.

you know that you're the only who understands this instinct, the only one who follows it to this distance. everyone else may underestimate you, but in the end, you'll rise above them all. man's natural instinct is to become the ruler of all.”

“What the fuck, Whitney. Anyway, I talked to the deli guy and he said he could pay you to eat up some scraps if you want. You down?” Henderson asked, her trolley already full of snacks. “yea fuck it man” Whitney replied, walking over to the ‘staff only’ door. “im hungy as fuck”

parking lot.

Despite the growing need to kill the woman, Rachel was managing to control herself. Even though this was the perfect opportunity to eliminate one of them, she knows she'll be replaced by someone much crueler. So for now, she'll just stick to watching this lady consider which can of tomato sauce is better than the other.

Rachel parked the truck near the entrance and the Honda Civic. She kept an eye on the couple as she quietly made her way inside through the back door.

“So thàt's when Í saìd, ‘that's not a cactùs, that's a lámp!” Karén playfully said, her hand entwined with her wife's. Rachel was unsure whether to stalk the two or join her friends in shopping.

WELL, FIND THAT OUT IN THE NEXT PART,