[Archive]

Why bother? Why bother with anything when nothing you could do would stop the static and pain? Tears ran down your cheeks as you sat in bed, hunched over and clutching at your body. You couldn't breathe. You couldn't move. You felt sick to your very stomach, and it took everything in you to not hurl.

As you squeezed your eyes shut, and grit your teeth, a shadow blocked the light from your lamp. It was bigger than that of your cat. With a stuttering breath, you opened your eyes. The silhouette of a young woman stood in front of you. Through the blur of tears, you could make out her wavy black and red hair covering one of her eyes. Behind her boxy black glasses, her big brown eyes scanned your face. Your lips parted, ready to choke out a question about who she was or what she was doing here, but she lifted a tan hand, silencing you.

“Don't speak,” She said, ever so gently. “You're okay, bello. Don't try to speak yet. Just breathe.” Her voice was muffled, almost as if it were underwater. You couldn’t breathe, that was the problem. Each time you tried, the breath stuck in your chest or your throat, and you were beginning to feel faint. “You’re okay,” Seraphina cooed, taking a step closer to the edge of the bed where you were hunched over. “You’re going to be okay.”

It really, really didn’t feel like it would be okay.

“Can you sit up straight for me?” Her voice was tender and full of worry, as if she was afraid that one wrong move would break you. That sucked. You were stronger than that, even if you didn’t feel like it right now.

You make a small noise in the back of your throat, shifting to sit up. That was, until the pain stabbed your abdomen and back ruthlessly. You wince, eyes filling up with tears and biting your lip to keep from gagging or crying out. Seraphina tenses at your reaction, reaching a hand out toward you before pulling it back to her chest.

“Can I touch you, darling?” She asks, wanting to make sure that it was okay before crossing that boundary. You nod, squeezing your eyes shut and clutching at your abdomen again. With your permission, Seraphina reaches out and places her hand on your shoulder. Her thumb traces the curve, stroking back and forth in a soothing motion. You feel her lean closer, until your head is resting against her plush stomach. It was warm even through her clothes and it took you a minute to process that you were being hugged, cradled even. Your arms remain wrapped around your midsection, but you lean into the woman’s touch, feeling a bit less alone.

Her fingers find their way into your hair, sifting through the soft strands at your scalp. “Good boy, honey. That’s it, just focus on me, okay? There’s nowhere else you need to be right now.” You can hear her take a deep breath in, then let it out slowly. Her fingers continue to run through your hair, and you feel yourself tearing up for a different reason this time.

You weren’t used to sweet, gentle touches like this.

“Look at me,” She says, hooking a finger under your chin and lifting your head up until you were able to meet her eyes. Seraphina glances at your bedside table, where your cup of water sat. “Have you taken a painkiller yet?” You blink at the notion, wondering how she knew what you were going through. However, you didn’t question her. Instead, you shook your head no. The pain episode had come out of nowhere, and struck so hard that you weren’t able to get up in time to get your medicine. 

“That’s okay, my love.” Seraphina soothes, angling her body away from you only momentarily to reach into the bag she had slung at her side. Out of the bag, she pulled out a small bottle of painkillers– the kind that you usually used. Was this woman your guardian angel? You didn’t dare ask, but you parted your lips when she lifted your water and medicine up to you. With a swallow, it was down. Whether it would stay there through the nausea was another story.

Seraphina sits down on the edge of your bed, patting her round thighs as if she was gesturing you to lay down on them. The thought was embarrassing, but the hug earlier had been really nice, albeit completely foreign. So, you took the chance and laid down. Her hand returned to your head, petting your hair and moving all the way down to your back in one slow stroke. “That’s it, darling. I’m here. You don’t have to fight it all alone, okay?” 

You trembled in her lap, but reluctantly nodded at her words. The tone of her voice was so confident that you didn’t have the heart to argue with it. She was so sure of herself that you couldn’t help but believe her. 

She was here and you didn’t have to be alone.

For a few minutes, the two of you were completely silent. However, her soothing petting was a grounding constant. You still felt physically anxious and sick, but you realized that you were no longer hyperventilating. Your breath wasn’t completely even yet, but you weren’t on the verge of passing out anymore.

“Y-you’re really nice…” The words left your lips on their own, and you felt your cheeks burn with embarrassment at the statement.

“Oh, darling…” Seraphina pouted her lip, frowning as she looked down at you. “Of course I’m nice. You deserve kindness. You deserve so much more than people give you, and I’m sorry I haven’t been here to help you sooner…” Her voice was wistful, full of regret even though that was out of her control. “I love you, sweet boy. I’ll be here for as long as you need me. I’m not going anywhere.” Her fingers ran through your hair once again, trailing down to caress your warm cheek.

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