The Kepler System

I’m saving the little me that felt like nothing could ever get better. It does get better, sweetie, I wish I could tell you. I do.

I’m sobbing I feel like i’ve come so far in the past few months. So far. I have a youtube channel now for filmmaking and I met a pretty distinguished filmmaker who I am friends with now, and I have been carrying on a project for more than a few months.

excitement is such a foreign emotion to me that feeling it causes me to dissociate. like i can say i’m excited but it is rare that i feel the actual emotion, but when i do oh boy you can expect me to check out

Current mood: confuse

also i hate when a possible new alter switches out then just fiddledicks away into oblivion never to be heard from again. like are you real? was someone just acting weird? we’ll never know

i spent like 5 hours yesterday trying to get rid of a very bad headache by working out muscle knots until it dawned on me that the only thing we’d eaten was a sub sandwich that day. ate and it went away. why is everything so difficult

Someone had a fall less than an hour ago. Occurred to me that my life has been filled with the expectation of sudden injury or death at any moment due to substance abuse. It’s hitting me like a truck that i’ve just kind of expected that my whole life.

if i get / find another alter i’m going to actually cut my brain out of my skull for studies on why I am so fucked up

Me and my s.o are able to talk a lot more on voice chats and apparently my average switch rate is 2 times a week, with a severe day 3-4 switches a day. I notice none of them, but after they're pointed out, I don't remember the time frame. So I suppose I switch more often than I have realized.

i woke up this morning so dissociated I couldn’t actually move and that’s one of the worst feelings I swear.

my alarm went off and said it was 5:00am, but then I turned the screen on and off again, and it said 7:02am. Then i did it again and it was 12am. so i literally had to turn on my computer and ask my s.o who was still up what time it actually was to make sure I wasn’t dissociating or dreaming. shit like that fucks me up very bad. technology glitching makes me question my whole existence

also it’s all hidden behind an intrusive thought delusion (something that didn’t actually happen but is related) because apparently i’m not ready to access it and an alter keeps telling me scary things to keep me away from it i’m gonna kick myself

someone else might have the memories of trauma from my ex and hoo boy that’s gonna be an adventure