What is it like to lose a sibling for good?
I’m not going to make this sentimental - don’t have the budget for it.
The honest version is brutal and plain, which is almost insulting. You think something this big should come with weather. With sirens. With a cinematic score. With at least one clear sentence that tells you what to do next.
It doesn’t.
It comes like a door closing in another room. You hear it, you freeze, and the house is different forever.
After that, it’s a sequence of rooms that smell like disinfectant and waiting. Fluorescent lights. Waiting rooms. Adults speaking in careful voices. Strangers saying “sorry” in the same tone they use for “your card declined”. People handing you decisions you don’t want, like please choose one of the following terrible options.
The universe keeps operating with the confidence of a company that has never once issued a refund.
-
A few years ago I watched Manchester by the Sea and didn’t get the hype. I remember thinking this is so heavy and also…sorry… kind of boring? Just grief dragging its feet for two hours.
Now I get why it’s acclaimed - it’s accurate.
Because that’s what this looks like. Not a plot - admin. Names and dates and signatures. Being asked questions when your brain is static. A stack of procedures that do not pause to acknowledge that you have just been altered at a cellular level.
There’s nothing cinematic about it. Just human.
Something happens - something so violent it rearranges your calendar forever - and then the day after that is…Monday. And Monday still wants you at work. Tuesday still wants you answering emails. Wednesday still has people on the train complaining about the temperature like they’re being oppressed.
The audacity of normal life is actually impressive.
I used to think grief would be cinematic. You know, collapse, sobbing, rain, meaningful monologue, catharsis.
Instead it’s forms. Passwords. Phone calls. “Can you confirm…?” over and over until your own name stops sounding like yours. You sign your signature so many times it starts looking forged.
And the world is built to process bodies, not absence. There’s a whole machine for the physical parts. For the part where your mind keeps reaching for him and hitting air - there’s no desk for that. No form. No queue number. Just you, standing in your kitchen, staring at nothing like nothing is going to answer back.
Grief itself is weirdly uncooperative.
Sometimes it doesn’t show up when it’s “supposed” to. Big moments pass and your face stays normal, which kicks off the kind of moral arithmetic you never wanted to learn.
If I’m not falling apart right now, what does that say about me? If I can laugh, am I a monster? If my body doesn’t perform the correct amount of devastation, did I love him wrong?
Then, like it enjoys humiliating you - it hits you over something microscopic.
Not the philosophical stuff. Not the meaning of life stuff. Just objects. Just leftovers.
A pajama shirt with his shape still in it. A stupid Jellycat octopus with his hair scent on it. A deck of Studio Ghibli cards he bought on the family trip and carried around because it made him happy for no good reason. A pen you gave him that still clicks, still works - still has ink for a future he doesn’t get - which is a kind of joke if you think about it too long.
You’ll be fine all day and then one of these things catches the light the wrong way and it’s over. No warning. No dignity. One second you’re standing in a normal room and the next you’re swallowing air like it’s not working.
And then you stop.
Because your brain triages. It runs the numbers and notices the effort-to-outcome ratio is terrible. There is, no time to die. You still have to shower. Still have to answer messages. Still have to eat something. Still have to show up to a job where someone will say “Happy Friday” and you’ll have to decide whether you want to scream or just nod like a civilized person.
So you wipe your face and go back to whatever you were doing - because the world is still demanding performance, and you’re still trapped inside a life that insists on continuing.
Work is especially disgusting in this era.
Your inbox does not grieve. Your calendar does not observe a moment of silence. Somebody will type “hope you’re well” and you will stare at those words like they were written by a different species.
You will still reply. “Thanks.” “Sure.” “No problem.”
You become bilingual - one language for public, one language for when you’re alone and the room finally stops pretending.
People will also say things.
They’ll offer sentences they’ve heard before, like they’re placing coins on your tongue to pay for the discomfort of being near you. They’ll talk gently, as if you might shatter if they use consonants too hard. They’ll say “he’s in a better place” with a straight face, like they’ve been there and left a 5-star review.
Most comfort is for the comforter.
It’s not malicious. It’s just…human. Everyone wants a version of your pain that doesn’t make them question the safety of their own lives.
Meanwhile your life has been permanently split into before and after, and you’re walking around in the after like a person who survived a building collapse and is now being asked to give a presentation on “resilience”.
There’s anger, too. Not clean anger. Not righteous anger. Stupid anger. Hot anger. Directionless anger.
Some days I hate everyone. I hate their small talk. I hate their optimism. I hate their advice. I hate the way they say “let me know if you need anything”, because what I need is impossible, and if I say that out loud it makes everyone’s face do that soft collapse thing.
Anger at the sun for rising. It’s a big one. The sun is really fucking smug about it.
And underneath all of that is the worst anger - rhe one you don’t know where to put.
The anger at him.
Because he left. Because he didn’t stay. Because he didn’t give the rest of us a vote in the aftermath we now have to live inside. Because now there’s this permanent before and after line cut into our lives and we didn’t consent to the surgery.
And the anger doesn’t stay put. It ricochets. It finds the nearest object and makes a case out of it. You become excellent at prosecuting the universe with zero evidence and infinite conviction.
Sometimes, late at night, your mind tries to make it make sense by making it unreal.
Not in the fun way. Not “what if we’re in a simulation” like a stoned conversation. More like your brain can’t accept the weight of a fact, so it turns the volume down until the fact feels like a story you heard about someone else.
You can say the words. You can list the events. You can replay the timeline like a bad clip.
And still the reality doesn’t attach.
So you store it in a mental drawer. You take it out when you can. You put it back because you have to work and pretend you know what you’re doing with the rest of your life.
That’s the ugliest part: you can be laughing at something genuinely funny and then - nothing. The laugh drops out of your mouth like it never belonged there. A void opens. You keep chewing your food. You keep walking. You keep being a person.
It’s almost comedic if it weren’t your actual life.
Nothing is forever, except pain. Pain is loyal. Pain has excellent follow-through.
This is the part where a heavy piece like this is supposed to hand you a lesson. A bow. A clean line about love surviving.
I don’t have that.
I have a few objects I can’t throw away. I have an internal monologue that has learned new swear words. I have random minutes of lightness that feel stolen, and random hours of heaviness that feel like punishment. I have a world that keeps moving with obscene confidence.
Tonight I’ll set an alarm like it means something.
Then I’ll turn off the light.
And tomorrow will show up again, rude as ever.
