Not a Complete Failure

man i just dont know why im so afraid all the time (<- has the disorder that makes you afraid all the time)

Why cant I have the disorder that makes you cool and sexy

“if you act like a dog im gonna treat you like one” bro literally pinkie promise me rn.

I've barked for less

“if you act like a dog im gonna treat you like one” bro literally pinkie promise me rn.

I've barked for less

got my first ever official customer complaint because when i was going over the terms of their life insurance they were like "well i don't plan to die" and i was like "well you're going to"

Release my boy, he ain't done anything wrong

Everything I read about recovering from burnout is like “it takes months or even years to fully recover” and it’s like okay…. I have a weekend before I gotta clock in on Monday

i hate the word spicy can we bring back calling things erotic

rolling up to Wendy's to get an erotic chicken sandwich

"Lemme uhhhh get a chicken that fucks"

"it's just stress" oh thank god, it's just the silent killer that slowly kills you, perfectly harmless, no need to worry

I’m ready to be transformed by the ibuprofen . I’m ready to be born again in its purifying light.

YOU BE WHAT???

[looking at people younger than me] you have your whole life ahead of you [looking at people older than me] you have your whole life ahead of you [looking at myself] its over

being a kid and hearing adults say stuff like "woah 2011 was 4 years ago haha" didn't really convey the fucking horror of a youtube video crossing my recommended labelled "9 years ago" and it's from 2017. that's not true. 9 years ago is 2010 or something. don't lie.

Happy Pride

if you vote me for president i vow to make everything the ocean again. no more land only ocean. this will solve all of our problems and replace them with new, far more interesting problems