𝑻𝑯𝑶𝑹𝑵𝑬𝑫 𝑹𝑶𝑺𝑬𝑺 - HIATUS

THCRNEDROSES’ MUSES LIST & RULES

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          “okay.”  giving  a  weak  smile,  just  nodding  along  but  he’s  actually  still  suffering  on  the  inside.  “i’m  supposed  to  keep  an  eye  on  max.  not  the  other  way  around.  i’m  fine.”  despite  still  thinking  of  what  he  could  get  up  to  in  the  middle  of  the  night,  even  during  the  pain  of  her  cleaning  his  cuts,  it  should  be  a  good  reason  why  he  shouldn’t  do  this  again.  but  that’s  how  powerful  a  mind  is  when  it’s  caught  by  depression.  “oh,  really.  girls  don’t  shit  huh.  i  didn’t  know  one  gender  didn’t  shit,  but  the  other  gender  does.”  he’s  a  prick  and  immature  in  so  many  ways,  but  it’s  funny  he’d  never  be  so  immature  in  this  aspect.  where  he’s  stupid  to  think  girls  don’t  use  the  bathroom  too,  a  lot  of  guys  he’s  known  really  are  that  ignorant  though.  “jeez…shirley  sounds  like  she’s  full  of  shit.  full  of  shit  shirley.”  rolling  his  eyes  at  how  ridiculous  the  rest  of  this  sounds,  maybe  he  sees  why  heather  hangs  around  him  most  now.  “mythical  concept?  what  does  that  even  mean.”  brows  knitting  in  confusion.  “what  the  hell…”  king  of  gross  is  even  repulsed  by  that  as  he  makes  a  face,  hand  dropping  from  her  curls.  “i  hope  you  don’t  put  one  of  those  in  your  bag.”  that  sounds  so  damn  dumb,  too.  “some  don’t,  i  guess.  but  i  wanna  know.  this  is  a  whole  new  side  to  girls  i  don’t  know  about  and  i  like  ‘nasty’  things.  i’d  shave  your  legs  for  you.”  well,  why  not?  it’s  an  opportunity  to  touch  legs.  “can  i  see  the  blood  holder  thing?”  he’s  looking  for  the  word,  referring  a  pad  or  tampon  as  a  holder  for  blood.  “whenever  it’s  time  you  do  your  thing.”  her  period–  but  he  feels  weird  saying  it  like  that.  period.  he’s  intrigued  to  see  this  blood  coming  out  of  girls.  “how  long  does  it  happen?”  he  wonders,  definitely  distracted  seeing  he  hasn’t  even  seen  the  band-aids  adorning  his  skin  yet.

@thcrnedroses ❧ heather holloway

　　　　« She really cares about you, B. Don’t leave her. » Don’t leave me either, that her voice also said, even while her gaze was focused on what her hands were doing. Heather had already told him how much she needed him in her life, but maybe reminding him he also had a sister who loved him would give him another reason to not give up on life. Smirking at the Full of Shit Shirley, Heather knew she shouldn’t have laughed about one of her friends but she did it nonetheless, a bubble of relief lifting from her heart as she heard the blond making a joke. « I bet she won’t write it on her application for Harvard. Funny thing is she’s probably going to get in. » They had the same grades, except that Heather had never been so interested in college. No-one apart from Billy knew of her other dreams involving a travel around the world and the idea of freedom, cause definitely none of her other friend would have understood that. « Like unicorns, you know? Legends in books that aren’t in reality. » One second after Heather had precised that, pure surprise and confusion had her lift her chocolate irises towards him. Looking at the guy’s face, she wondered if it was even possible for a guy to have such a weird curiosity. « Uhm, sure...? How can I say no to such a scientific request? » Chuckling at how surreal it felt, she used her free hand to reach for the bag resting at the end of the mattress and take out the mysterious object she handed to Billy. A small soft cylinder wrapped in plastic. « Mine like... five days every month. For some girls is less, for others is more. We’re all pretty different in that department. » God, maybe Shirley was RIGHT in saying it was extra awkward to talk about such things, but if it kept Billy’s attention away from the sting then she was ready to explain every girly secret. Talking as she finished cleaning the cuts on his wrist, her voice was amused as her expression was extremely focused in putting on some more band-aids. « Max should be close to having her first, I guess. Tell her that she can call me if she needs help, my mom was more embarrassed than me when it happened to me. I bet my dad still think I’m still waiting. »

                “i  don’t  know  what  else.”  that  isn’t  about  bringing  blood…all  he  knows  is  to  bring  himself  pain  because  being  happy  just  isn’t  meant  to  work  for  him.  it’s  why  he  tries  so  hard  to  make  that  feeling  now,  turn  to  stone.  that  flourishing  and  overwhelming  feeling  he  gets  staring  at  her,  being  in  her  presence  all  by  itself  does  that.  what  the  hell  is  that  anyway?  it  can’t  be  love–  he  doesn’t  want  anything  to  do  with  that  word.  he  doesn’t  think  he’s  even  capable  of  an  emotion  like  that.  that  doesn’t  explain  why  he’s  reaching  up  and  gently  pulling  the  scrunchie  out  of  her  bun  once  she  sits  next  to  him,  with  eyes  watching  in  tired  soft  wonder  at  all  the  brown  curls  that  come  undone  like  he  wanted  to  happen.  eyes  filled  with  something  other  than  pain  and  sadness,  admiring  the  way  they’re  dark,  long  and  just  beautiful.  “just…”  shrugging,  watching  her  plant  that  kiss  to  his  palm  before  shyly  brushing  back  her  hair  behind  her  ears,  “a  few  things.”  a  lot  of  things,  everything.  but  he  doesn’t  want  to  go  exposing  just  how  much  he  feels  for  her.  glancing  away  from  her  eyes  he  loves  so  much,  they  burn  through  him  when  he’s  feeling  so  vulnerable  like  this.  looking  down,  he  pulls  the  hair  accessory  on  to  his  wrist  and  wears  it  as  a  bracelet  for  now.  

             “why?”  brows  creasing,  both  in  confusion  and  at  the  horrible  sting.  god–  that  hurts  worse  than  when  he  cut  it.  clenching  his  jaw,  stifling  any  sounds  of  discomfort  while  digging  his  nails  into  his  palms.  “why’s  that  something  guys  should  never  see?”  nothing  is  embarrassing  for  him,  nothing  like  that  anyway  so  he’s  wondering  for  what  reason.

@thcrnedroses ❧ heather holloway

　　　　« Don’t worry, I have a few ideas ready just in case another bad day comes. Just promise you’ll call me instead of going to play popsicle in the snow. » Heather phrased the words with a lighter tone, but as she looked at Billy her eyes begged for him to make that promise. « I could ask Max to take an eye on you for me, but she’s a child. » They were too, to be completely honest, nothing more than teenagers playing adults in a life that required it from them. In a life that wasn’t right nor fair in putting all that weight on such young shoulders. And that was why the only way was for them to carry it together. Smiling and staring at him as her curls fell wild around her face, Heather’s dark hues became a bit brighter in seeing emotions that weren’t pain finally painting his visage, making the ocean-abyss in his irises less stormy. In any other moment, she would have complained for looking like a mess now, with hair still ruffled from cold, snow and humidity, but if that was what made softness come up in his gaze, then she was more than happy to look like a lioness. Even when the curls tickled her forehead. Instinctively tilting her head towards the fingers that were moving the rebel strands away from her face, Heather loving smirk grew even warmer as she let out a soft chuckle. « She says that you guys seeing such objects ruins the illusion that us girls don’t shave, don’t poo nor do nasty things like that. Oh, and our period can only be a mythical concept. She says we’re supposed to look like ethereal creatures. » It really was ridiculous even only repeating Shirley’s words, and Heather couldn’t do it without letting out another small laugh. « Once she put a dirty tampon in her bag just because she didn’t want to throw it in her boyfriend’s trash can. Then she had to throw the bag because it got stained. » Hoping that that gross story was enough to either make him laugh or get distracted, Heather then gently blew on the cuts to alleviate the sting. Putting the cotton pad away after a few taps on his thigh, she used three separate rainbow band-aids to protect the wounds. Then, another clean unicorn pad in hand, she proceeded to do the same with his wrist, taking his hand and turning it so the cuts were facing her with their angry red lines. « So, my question is: do you guys really not wanna know about these things? Cause I already told Shirley she’s crazy, but who knows, maybe she was right all along. »

         “because  when  it’s  happening,  it  feels  nice.  and  then  when  it’s  over  it’s  back.”  the  pain  is  back,  but  he  wants  to  stay  vague  as  possible.  the  distraction  is  short  lived  and  then  it’s  also  the  part  where  he  feels  the  need  to  lash  out  on  himself  for  being  so worthless.  and  that’s  why  he  wants  to  cut  again  or  burn  himself  again,  anything  to  bring  himself  harm  and  pain  he  feels  like  he  deserves.  one  shoulder  slightly  lifts,  trying  to  shrug  the  question  off,  with  yet  another  i  don’t  know.  but  it’s  hard  to  just  shrug  her  off  when  he  stares  through  her  eyes.  taking  his  hand,  pulling  it  out  of  her  grip.  palm  briefly  rests  on  his  unscraped  knee,  seeing  her  tears  since  they’re  the  only  thing  he  can  train  his  focus  on.  trying  to  ignore  them–  trying  and  trying.  then  hand  lifts  off  that  knee,  fingers  of  the  beast  laying  his  dangerous  claw  so  delicately  on  the  cheek  of  the  princess  who  has  a  heart  of  gold.  that  unsteadiness  always  lurking  behind  cold  eyes  could  tear  into  her,  why  wouldn’t  he?   usually,  that’s  what  happens  right  now.  he  turns  rabid  and  cruel  once  he’s  at  his  limit  with  showing  his  emotions,  like  earlier.  but  he  smolders  that  flame  before  it  can  even  ignite  again–  considering  he’s  still  very  conscious  of  what  he  did  and  always  will.  anchoring  his  ugly  with  her  good  pouring  from  the  emotion  in  her  warm  eyes,  thumb  brushes  over  her  damp  lashes.  feeling  the  tears  beneath  the  pad  of  his  thumb,  makes  it  feel  so  much  more  real.   it’s  so  much  more  than  just  tear  drops,  it’s  obviously  all  that  foreign  emotion  in  her  eyes  he’s  not  used  to  seeing  anyone  look  at  him  with  glistening  on  his  finger  tips  he  wipes  away.  he  focuses  so  intently  on  how  she  looks  at  him  like  that.  that’s  what  he’s  wondering,  that’s  what  he’s  thinking  of  now.  voice  still  the  same  tone,  but  finally  he  does  say  something,  “just  you.”  

@thcrnedroses ❧ heather holloway

　　　　« Then maybe we should find something nice that’ll last longer. And that doesn’t imply blood. » Something healthy, that was what Heather meant, as she underlined that WE as she wouldn’t let him face it alone. Although a part of her knew that the point was just that, doing something bad because that was what he knew, what he had been taught. It wasn’t his fault, it wasn’t something he had chosen, so getting mad at him only seemed unfair now. The way he had grown up, that was what she was mad at. His dad, his childhood, the happiness that had been kept from him so that all he knew was pain... Heather sighed, closing her eyes and letting Billy brush away the tears from her lashes before they could roll down on her cheeks. She was grateful for that gesture, preventing her from crying again in front of him and showing how much her heart was breaking just by thinking of all the things in his past that she couldn’t change. But she was there now, at least, and that was the only good think caused by whatever hell he had lived in: fate having them meet, crossing their paths so they could find better things. Focusing on the positive, after all, was the only way she knew not to drown with him in shared pain. Opening her eyes again just to never leave his gaze, she stood up from her kneeling position just to sit on the bed, so close to him that her legs were touching his. « Me? What about me? » Kissing again the palm of the hand that was still in hers, Heather tried to keep him talking as she grabbed the colorful cotton pad she had left on the bed just minutes before. Still damp with disinfectant, she didn’t ask for his permission now as she started cleaning the cuts on his thigh with extreme gentleness. « You know, it’s kinda embarrassing that you found my razor, my friend Shirley says those are things guys should never see. » She also chuckles and tried to make him laugh, to keep his mind away from the sting.

“no. it just feels good, i told you that you don’t understand.” keeping himself hidden, mumbling and hiding like a little kid that stays so closed off. “because.” because he just doesn’t feel like a human being, no one loves him, his father said it— he’s worthless. heather can tell him she loves him, but it’s sad he can’t accept her love, he can’t accept it from someone else. he’s tried so hard all these years to make his parents love him, now his brain is messed up in that way too. he can’t love anyone else and no one else can love him, all because he can’t believe in love for never receiving it from the people who was supposed to love him before anybody. “i’ve been thinking all night.” about what his dad said to him. then he started thinking about his mother. but he can’t tell her any of this. moving his hands away from his face after a moment of going silent, he lets them fall into her hands. pained blues dropping down on her, he looks so lost. he’s still silent because he doesn’t know what else to say. he can’t tell anyone, that’s the problem. and what will it help? he feels like nothing can help him.

@thcrnedroses ❧ heather holloway

　　　　Maybe she couldn’t understand, but she didn’t believe him either. Not completely, at least, because nothing about him was as easy as an “it just feels good”. And maybe she didn’t know everything, but she knew enough to be sure of one thing: that pain only brought more pain. « Okay, so maybe it feels good. But then why did you look so miserable after cutting yourself earlier? » Heather’s voice wasn’t arguing, it was more the kind of calm and composed tone she always used to explain something, to call at whatever bit of rationality might be left in him and show him the lingering contradiction. That because almost made her hope for an explanation to come, but when none followed Heather just focused on his hands now in hers. On the blue eyes finally on her and looking as lost as the ones of someone trying to navigate a labyrinth blindfolded. « I can see you thinking, it’s like you’re not even here. » Squeezing his hands, Heather almost felt like she was touching a figure made of smoke, someone she could see but not reach despite whatever she did. Like the closer she got, the farther he slipped away from her fingers. « What are you thinking about, B.? » So she tried again, chocolate hues shining with tears of confusion, love and empathy as they dived into his, trying to find the hand of the guy that was drowning in that storming sea. To drag him towards the surface.

flinching, his hand left empty and his heart rate jolting at the sudden loudness. what did he expect? he thought he could get away with it for at least three seconds, but she didn’t even give him that. calm with her shaking him out of his skull, his body peeled away from the vanity and heather’s hands rattling him with the movements. “i CAN’T explain it.” he blurts, finally brows knit into aggarvation, “you don’t understand. i don’t understand!” he doesn’t understand what’s wrong with himself, let alone explaining it to someone ELSE. “i don’t know.” voice loudly frustrated before turning into a happy whisper, “–cause…cause it feels good.” turning on the seat, he stands up and walks away from heather to her bed so he can sit. he places the other cloth on his thigh after he pulls it from his neck, placing his hands over his eyes as he hides. she won’t let him do what he wants and it’s so frustrating. she probably will need to tie him to her bed, he’ll just keep trying to sneak off any chance he gets through out the night. he’s already found things in her bedroom to harm himself with, there’s still an entire kitchen of knives he’s thought of already.

@thcrnedroses ❧ heather holloway

　　　　Almost growling with how frustrated she was, Heather still let go of his shoulders the moment she saw Billy flinch at how loud she was speaking. She didn’t mean to scare him, but despite how bad Heather felt about it she was at least thankful for that reaction. Treating him roughly for some reason was the only way to get anything out of him that day, and she hated it. Heather had never been a rough person, she didn’t even know how to act like one. Raising her voice, losing her patience... It was annoying and exhausting and her acting like that only meant that she had reached the peak of her desperation. She couldn’t keep fighting him to keep his hands away from harming himself, but she was going to if she didn’t have any other choice. « That’s not what I need you to explain. » Sighing in exasperation at his happy whisper, she didn’t sit next to him on the bed because she just couldn’t stay still. « I know why you’re hurting yourself. You’re doing it because the pain keeps your mind away from... the other kind of pain. » Hands moving with her words and showing how she felt, that was the only thing she had figured out until now. That the pain — like the rage, the fights and the outbursts — was just a distraction from what was way WORSE on the inside. And it was THAT Heather needed to understand, THAT she needed to uncover, cause it probably had everything to do with the thoughts he was getting lost in right before taking the spoon and burning his skin. « This is what I’m asking you: what were you thinking about that... caused this? » Kneeling in front of him, Heather tried to lower her voice both to avoid her parents from rushing into the room and to not have him flinch again when she placed her hands on his palms. But it was nearly impossible to hide the fire that came with how helpless she felt. « I don’t know, B... was it about your dad? Is it about something he said? What hurts more than... these? » Gentle as a feather, she brushed the small cuts with her thumb. « It’s okay if you don’t want to open up with me, it really is, but you have to open up with someone, ANYONE, because otherwise... this is gonna keep happening. »

             he  pays  too  close  to  attention  to  those  brown  eyes,  stares  deep  into  the  window  of  her  relentlessly  warm  soul  and  doesn’t  like  what  he  finds–  her  noticing  the  shyness  she’s  coaxed  out  of  him.  it’s  fucking  embarrassing  and  has  his  features  dropping  at  once,  genuinely  looking  angry  for  a  brief  moment  before  face  softens  into  amusement.   “shock  me.  the  only  thing  that  shocks  me  is  someone  like  you,  wanting  to  kiss  me  so  bad  you  just  couldn’t  stand  it  any  longer.  before  i  knew  you,  i  thought  you  were  only  frisky  for  guys  on  the  academic  team.  those  dweebs  and  shit.”  snorting,  he’s  gotta  say  something  to  cover  up  his  shock.  he  plays  it  so  cool  on  the  outside  with  stoic  emotions,  but  his  heart  pounding  beneath  ribcage  is  a  different  story.  “nah,  you’re  just  letting  me  rub  off  on  you.  jeez–  what  would  daddy  say?  huh?”  fingers  squeezing  the  skin  on  her  thighs,  still  got  his  hands  under  her  skirt,  both  of  his  palms  molded  around  the  sides  of  her  legs.  it’s  a  nice  place  to  keep  his  cold  hands  warm.  “my  daughter’s  got  the  hots  for  a  delinquent  and  she’s  turning  into  him.  …well,  i  kinda  like  it.  but  i  only  like  to  corrupt  dumb  blondes.”  what  he’s  saying–  she’s  too  good  for  him.  and  what  he’s  saying,  in  his  own  way,  he’s  trying  to  look  out  for  her  and  protect  her  from  being  hurt  by  him.  “do  what,  again?  feel  me  naked?”  taking  this  annoying  little  hand  of  hers,  he  peels  it  off,  like  she’s  crossed  some  no  trespassing  property  only  to  slide  it  under  his  dark  red  sweatshirt.  placing  her  palm  over  his  right  side  of  his  chest,  over  the  strong  pec,  not  his  heart.  definitely  not  on  his  heart.  grabbing  the  cherry  sucker,  he’s  popping  that  back  into  his  mouth  and  using  his  free  hand  he  slips  out  from  underneath  of  her  skirt,  his  right  one  to  grab  the  steering  wheel.  purposely  letting  the  car  roll  and  hitting  the  gas,  beginning  to  drive  the  thing  out  of  this  street  it’s  been  idling  on  for  the  last  five  minutes  and  on  to  the  road  while  heather’s  sitting  here  like  this.  keeping  his  hand  under  his  shirt  over  her  hand  for  show.  having  to  dart  over  her  shoulder,  just  to  see  where  he’s  going.

@thcrnedroses ❧ heather holloway

              “nothing,”  shaking  his  head,  “just  thinking–  of  a  girl.”  pretending  she  was  the  girl  in  that  moment,  by  glancing  towards  her  before  turning  his  gaze  back  on  the  food.  having  to  pick  the  tea  up  even  though  he’d  rather  be  done,  he’s  having  to  get  a  drink  to  clear  the  taste  from  his  mouth.  “oh.”  well  that’s  an  agreement  he  takes  back,  he’s   so  addled  he  just  forgets  to  be  grouchy  and  say  no  to  an  idea  like  that.  probably  the  best  proof  you’re  not  yourself,  when  you’re  even  letting  your  facade  go.  it’s  fucking  exhausting  being  that  explosive  asshole  he’s  so  good  at  being,  he’s  at  his  tiredest  when  he’s  took  off  his  disguise.   letting  his  strong  body  that  feels  so  fatigue  slump  forward,  folding  his  good  arm  over  the  vanity  and  pressing  his  forehead  to  his  forearm.  his  muscles  so  tight,  tensed  underneath  her  fingers   but  he  learns  to  let  the  movements  of  her  massage  chase  away  the  tension.  staying  in  the  same  position  even  after  the  nice  feeling  has  gone  away  because  she’s  left,  he  only  jolts  back  up  when  the  damp  towels  press  to  his  skin.  they’re  cold  and  uncomfortable  until  it  then  quickly  begins  to  make  the  feverish  skin  feel  better.  “okay,  i’ll  just  stay  like  this.”  letting  the  one  on  his  neck  stick  there  on  it’s  own  as  he  returns  his  previous  resting  position  instead  of  getting  up  and  going  to  the  bed,  he’s  taking  the  one  he’s  holding  to  his  forehead  and  placing  it  over  his  cut  arm.  it  soothes  that  annoying  ache,  but  that’s  ironic  considering  the  irrational  thoughts  in  his  head  wants  to  proceed  to  bring  more  of  that  pain  he’s  trying  to  subside  now–   that’s  having  his  eyes  flicker  back  on  the  hot  soup.  watching  the  steam  pull  from  the  surface  of  it,  the  smallest  bit  that’s  still  wavering.  it’s  not  hot  enough  to  burn  him,  but  still  could  hurt.   slowly  pulling  the  spoon  out,  letting  the  excess  liquid  drizzle  into  the  bowl  before  he  presses  the  silver  to  the  top  of  his  arm,  next  to  the  cold  cloth  and  lets  the  hotness  of  the  metal  attack  his  skin.  making  the  muscles  in  his  stomach  flinch,  inhaling  a  sharp  breath.  it  does  hurt  more  than  he  even  anticipated.  

@thcrnedroses ❧ heather holloway

　　　　Letting him take the wet towel, Heather wasn’t too surprised to see him placing it on the cuts rather than on his forehead. That showed how much they had to be hurting, clearly more than how burning hot his skin had become. His flushed cheeks still looked paler than the angry red area around the wounds, and even though blood wasn’t dripping anymore Heather’s concern was far from subsiding. Her mind kept spinning and spinning, thinking about how clean her razor had been, how high was the risk of them getting infected or scarring, turning that impulsive gesture into a symbol of pain his body would forever carry. Heather didn’t want him to remember about that day, and although there probably was no way for Billy to actually forget about it she at least hoped to prevent him from having a constant reminder right on his skin. « You should go back to bed. » She advised, almost afraid he could fall asleep right there at her vanity. His physical exhaustion was probably what got Heather distracted for a few moments, misinterpreting why he took the spoon from the soup. Thinking he was just going to eat some more of it, Billy’s plans turned out to be much darker. Heather’s eyes went wide in shock when he pressed the hot metal on his arm, much like when she had seen him burning himself with a cigarette some time ago. Reacting immediately, she snatched the spoon from his hand and in doing so she almost threw it across the room. As it clanked on the floor, she quickly grabbed the towel from his neck and pressed it on the fiery red skin. « What the fuck Billy?! AGAIN?! » Head and heart pounding, the SHOCK finally managed to wash away her patience and bring even MORE protective rage into her chocolate irises. « That’s fucking enough! You can’t keep doing this! » Standing up with a furious expression, Heather put both hands on his shoulders and shook him, still careful to avoid the bruises but determined to force him to LOOK AT HER. « I’m DONE being patient and letting you hold everything in and HURT YOURSELF like this! You better tell me what’s going on in your head because I’m THIS CLOSE to tie you up to the bed. » Breath rapid after raising her voice, she stayed there just staring at him for a few infinite seconds before an exhausted, painful whine escaped her lips. « PLEASE... Just talk to me. Why do you need this? »

           “yeah,  sure.  there’s  not  much  to  do  with  it  anyway.”  her  room,  even  so  girly,  is  so  much  more  of  a  real  room.  she’s  got  memories  attached  to  it,  childhood  surrounds  her  all  the  time,  he  doesn’t  have  any  attachment  to  his  like  that  because  it  feels  just  like  a  hole  his  dad  has  thrown  him  in  like  the  stray  dog  on  a  chain  he  treats  him  like.  he  wonders  what  it’s  like  to  actually  be  in  touch  with  good  memories  like  that,  live  in  a  happy  spot  where  you’ve  grown  up.  somewhere  around  nine  years  old  his  brain  started  frying  from  all  the  anger  his  head  started  being  filled  with  and  now  there’s  nothing  to  remember  good.  that’s  why  he’s  so  attached  to  that  stupid  beach,  it  is  the  only  good.  it  wouldn’t  mattered  if  the  place  had  been  here,  wouldn’t  mattered  if  he  grew  up  here–   if  he  and  his  mom  had  spent  everyday  at  a  little  hole  in  the  wall  diner  then  he’d  forever  be  attached  to  that  diner.  just  as  long  as  his  mom  had  been  there,  laughing  with  him  and  having  fun,  he’d  love  it  if  it  was  in  alaska.  somehow  it  was  just  that  beach  that  the  universe  made  that  their  place.  for  some  kids,  it  might’ve  been  a  park,  or  friday  nights  in  the  living  room  or  another  spot.  but  for  him  and  his  mother  it  was  the  ocean.   a  lot  of  the  reasoning  for  being  obsessed  with  the  beach  is  because  of  his  attachment  of  his  only  good  memories  being  there,  the  only  thing  he  had  left  of  his  mother  that  made  it  feel  like  she  was  still  there.  her  necklace  hanging  off  his  neck  doesn’t  really  suffice,  there’s  even  a  specific  spot  on  that  beach.  two  spots…  santa  monica  pier  and  zuma  beach  in  malibu.  it’s  like  she  died  or  something,  sometimes  he  pretends  that’s  what  happened  to  her  instead.  sometimes  it’s  easier  to  live  life  day  by  day  pretending  his  mother  didn’t  abandon  him,  but  being  delusional  and  just  pretending  she  loved  him  until  the  very  end  of  her  premature  death  he  makes  up  in  his  head.  it’s  twisted  in  a  way,  since  she’s  not  dead.  but  he  never  has  acted  like  he  wasn’t  disturbed.  he  can’t  bare  the  thought  of  his  mom  out  here  right  now  living  life  without  him  just  fine  when  he’s  still  mourning  her  like  she’s  not  breathing.  “what?”  hearing  something  about  mascara,  finally  he  snaps  out  of  his  thoughts  from  her  NUDGE.  he  forgets  he’s  been  chewing  and  staring  at  her  through  the  mirror  the  entire  time,  while  so  deep  lost  in  his  thoughts  she  keeps  asking  him  about.  “oh…  yeah.”  he  doesn’t  know  what  she  said,  he’s  agreeing  just  to  be  agreeing.  “what  are  we  doing?”  well  now  he  has  to  ask  since  he’s  looking  at  the  pencil  in  confusion,  placing  it  next  to  the  bowl.  “well  now  i  know  you  can  make  other  good  food  than  just  good  cookies.”  scooping  more  soup,  he  keeps  eating  until  it’s  half  way  gone  and  the  warmth  of  it  is  making  him  hotter.  that’s  when  he  takes  a  break,  placing  arm  on  the  table  and  holding  his  head  for  a  moment.  suddenly  regretting  it,  how  can  it  finally  make  his  empty  stomach  fill  good  being  full  but  making  him  also  feel  so  sick  simultaneously.  

@thcrnedroses ❧ heather holloway

　　　　Staring at her through the mirror, Billy was right next to her and yet he wasn’t. Blue hues vague and lost, Heather could almost see the waves dancing inside his irises. His thoughts were dragging him farther and farther away from that room, from her talking a few inches next to him. Heather wasn’t sure whether it was the fever or everything else that was keeping her best friend locked inside his head, but she still placed her palm between his shoulders. « What’s going on, B.? » Rubbing the skin in a way that wasn’t rough on the bruises but that she hope could be at least grounding, Heather could feel the emotions radiating from him just as much as she could feel the heat spreading through his body. « I was suggesting you should try on eyeliner. » She repeated peacefully as her hand slightly massaged his shoulders, then the muscles and nerves behind his neck with two gentle fingers. He once again looked in pain, as if nauseous after eating the food or maybe just from exhaustion alone. « But let’s do it another day, you look like you should lay down. » If she had been strong enough, she would have dragged Billy back to bed without letting him phrase any other complain. Of course, Heather wasn’t even remotely, especially not after all those waves of panic had drained all her energy that day. She was keeping her eyes open only because the need to look after him was stronger than the need to sleep. Closing her eyes wasn’t allowed while Billy’s were still open, as even in his current tiredness she didn’t trust him being awake with no supervision in his current mental state. « Gimme one second. » Heather only said as she stood up, almost running to the bathroom and looking at her back twice before spending a moment to damp two small towel in cold water. Back to her best friend, she laid one on his neck and used the other one to cool down his forehead. « These should make you feel better. »

         “guess  you  should  come  decorate  it,  then.”  if  he  let  her  loose  on  his  room   she’d  turn  it  into  a  carebear  and  glitter  explosion.  it’s  plain  and  she  did  say  she  liked  to  make  things  like  that  pretty.  “am  not.”  deep  voice  quietly  denies,  mumbling  around  throwing  the  pill  into  his  mouth  and  downing  it  with  the  warm  drink.  he  says  as  his  back  covered  in  those  brutal  purple  and  blue  patches  faces  her.  these  colors  on  his  skin,  the  pain  that  comes  with  so  much  as  leaning  down  to  get  a  bite  of  the  soup…it’s  normal.  it  feels  normal  after  getting  the  treatment  his  entire  life.  no  wonder  he  wants  to  end  his  existence  so  often.   sitting  down  at  her  vanity,  he  tries  the  croutons  to  prolong  him  from  having  to  get  his  cuts  tended  to.   crunching  the  bites,   eyes  shift  away  from  those  red  cuts  that  are  so  in  his  face  he  can’t  miss  the  red  angry  lines–  like  his  skin  is  even  making  him  feel  bad  for  cutting  and  harming  it.  finding  his  reflection  in  the  mirror  instead.  he’s  quiet  for  a  moment,  not  so  quick  on  being  funny,  but  eventually  his  tired  brain  naturally  digs  up  something.  “might  do  my  makeup  while  i’m  here.”  to  keep  from  talking  about  what  he’s  thinking  about.  cheeks  flushed  red,  already  looks  like  he’s  wearing  blush.  he  really  wants  to  refuse  food,  but  he’s  not  had  food  all  day,  so  he  gets  that  first  bite  and  gives  in  with  another  and  then  another.  finally  trying  the  soup  that  really  gets  him  addicted  to  keep  coming  back  for  more.  doesn’t  know  whether  it’s  starvation  and  so  low  on  energy,  but  it  tastes  like  the  best  soup  he’s  ever  had  in  his  life.

@thcrnedroses ❧ heather holloway

　　　　« Well, maybe I will. I’ll bring hot glue and strasses. » Heather joked, but not really. Maybe she wasn’t actually going to bring strasses to his room, but making it prettier with colors seemed like a good idea when the rest of his house sounded like such a dark place. It was hard to look away from the graffiti of blues and purples on his back as her fingers itched to touch Billy’s wrist and convince him to turn. Despite his no, he was definitely hiding from her. Whether it was because he felt exposed, embarrassed or both, Heather wished he could just let her see whatever was floating in his thoughts. But at least he was eating, a small improvement even when she knew he was using that soup to stall and keep her away from cleaning his cuts. The damp unicorn cotton pad still in hand, Heather let it go with a sigh and stood to drag the chair from her desk to the vanity. Sitting next to him, she reached for her cup of tea and took a sip as she stared at Billy’s face reflected in the mirror. « You should. I keep thinking your eyes would pop with some mascara and eyeliner. » Funnily nudging at him with her elbow, Heather opened the makeup bag and handed him the black pencil. A daring smirk on her lips, she at least tried to distract him. « Wanna try? Not on your black eye, though. You don’t want to rub it with makeup remover... Ehy, breath while you eat, B. » Chuckling softy at how the guy was devouring the soup she had made for him, it still made her heart warm up and smile in tenderness. « It’s the first time I cook something for you that isn’t cookies. »

           he’s  laughing  way  more  at  the  look  he  gets  once  his  face  draws  back  to  stare  at  heather,  snorting  before  he’s  erupting  with  laughter  all  over  again.  that  expression,  how  bewildered  she  looks,  is  just  too  damn  amusing  to  him.  “i  didn’t  say  you  could  keep  it.”  but  he  knows  he’ll  let  her  have  it  anyway  which  makes  him  roll  his  eyes  at  himself  as  he  snatches  his  candy  back.  gaze  moving  back  on  the  road,  he’s  about  to  let  pressure  off  the  brake  and  finally  head  that  way  when  she  makes  him  stop  the  car  again  when  the  weight  of  her  body  presses  down  on  his  shoulder.  making  him  look  in  her  direction,  confusion  crosses  his  expressions  as  he’s  staring  up  at  her  and  then  she’s  here  plopping  down  into  his  lap.  his  turn  to  be  surprised  when  her  fingers  shove  through  golden  curls  and  her  lips  press  to  his  with  his  lids  falling  closed.  his  hands  place  on  either  side  of  her  legs,  fingers  digging  into  the  top  of  her  tights,  curling  into  the  insides  of  them.  pulling  them  down  just  an  inch  so  his  fingers  can  splay  across  her  skin  and  run  across  her  skin,  vanishing  underneath  her  skirt  just  to  feel  what  it’s  like  after  staring  at  those  legs  in  her  swimsuit  all  summer  long.   the  sucker  he’s  blindly  dropping  off  on  the  wrapper  still  wadded  on  the  console  lid,  now  he  can  taste  the  cherry  flavor  of  it  from  her  lips  and  meets  her  tongue  with  his.  letting  his  brush  against  hers  in  a  hot  open  mouth  kind  of  way  before  pressing  his  lips  to  her  bottom  one,  kissing  her  hard.  not  rough,  but  in  a  passionate  way  like  it’s  going  to  be  the  only  time  he  lets  her–  lets  them  do  this.  blue  eyes  slowly  open  and  it  scares  him  how  close  he  is  to  those  doe  eyes  he  likes  so  much,  it  wouldn’t  be  a  problem  if  he  didn’t  like  them  so  much.  he  can  hear  his  heartbeat  pounding  in  his  ears.  “you  don’t  have  to  prove  anything  to  me.  i  told  you–  i  like  it.”  smirking  for  emphasis,  likes  that  she’s  very  innocent  compared  to  most  girls.  at  least  to  the  ones  he’s  known.  

@thcrnedroses ❧ heather holloway

　　　　Billy’s hands were cold and yet they BURNED her skin the moment they found it under the hem of her tights. If confusion had appeared in hues, the way he was kissing her back wasn’t confused at all. Tobacco on his lips mixing with sugar and cherry on hers, it was so easy to get lost in the way their tongues danced, in the way the air got warmer inside the small car space. Billy tasted and felt like she remembered, like a bonfire on the lake’s beach or fireworks on the 4th of July. He felt like the first sun of summer, sliding under her skin and taking away the winter chills. The first time they had kissed stress was tainting his lips and every other casual kiss following that night had been a simple brushing of lips, a way of showing affection that was easier to phrase and impossible to ignore. Today it was a loving game on Christmas day giving Heather the courage to do what she craved every time she looked at him. A smile on her red lips matching the blushing of her cheeks, the moment Heather dived back into his ocean hues she noticed how close they were to each other. « I know, but I wanted to shock you. » From that proximity Heather could count the freckles on his cheeks and the lighter speckles in his eyes. And the way he was looking at her with nervousness dancing in his irises. The hand still playing with his curls went to cup his cheek, small thumb brushing his soft perfectly shaved skin, while the other one she pressed on his chest, right above his running heartbeat. « And I really wanted to do this. » Those last few words were an unapologetic whisper, as if she was afraid someone else could hear that secret confession, even when it was only the two of them in the vehicle.

      “i  know,  but.”  but  he’s  trying  to  act  like  he  isn’t  still  human  and  even  him  eventually  grows  weak.  the  towels  thud  into  the  floor–  and  it  feels  as  if  it  takes  everything  in  him  just  to  drag  himself  to  her  bed.  he  has  to  turn  and  sit  down  like  an  80  year  old  man  with  a  crippled  back.  “i  know–  look  at  your  room.”  it’s  a  ‘pretty’  explosion.  it  makes  him  slightly  laugh  through  his  nose  before  eyes  fall  back  down  on  her  glittery  purple  box.  girls  really  will  turn  anything  into  a  cutesy  thing,  it  makes  their  worlds  so  different  when  his  is  cigarettes  and  motor  oil  and  hers  is  glitter  and  soft  things.  “um….”  sting  like  a  jellyfish?  do  they  have  to  disinfect  them?  he’s  tensing  up  like  the  doctor  is  about  to  inject  him  with  a  needle  or  something.  “thigh.”  holding  the  pill  in  his  hand,  waiting  to  get  a  drink  of  whatever  she  brought  him,  he  realizes  he  can  escape  the  sting  with  that  thought  and  doesn’t  know  why  he’s  sitting  here  any  longer.  standing  up,  he  excuses  himself  because  he  ‘needs’  a  drink  of  what’s  in  that  cup  to  take  the  pill  but  he’s  actually  running  away.

@thcrnedroses ❧ heather holloway

　　　　« You’re just jealous your room isn’t this cute. » Not that she had seen it, cause she had never been to his place yet, but she could imagine a triumph of rock bands posters, vinyls and books about cars and engines. And probably a very manly white wall with a playboy calendar. Of course he had no teddy bears, Heather wondered how he slept alone with no stuffed animal to keep him company. Maybe she had to buy him one... Noticing the way Billy tensed, Heather was almost about to offer him Panda to hold and the cup of hot tea that was probably still warm, but he stood up first like he was suddenly extremely interested in the food he didn’t even want before. Frowning, Heather crossed both legs on the bed as she observed the guy standing and still not looking at her. A tiny red line was still running down his thigh. « You keep avoiding to look at me. » That came out more like a simple observation than anything else, really. She didn’t want to force him to, but keeping a distance hadn’t really helped earlier. « Wanna try and tell me what you’re thinking about? »

                fingers  kneading  deeper  and  clinging  tighter  into  the  small  of  her  back,  it’s  extra  comfort  to  hear  she’s  not  going  anywhere.  she  never  has,  and  she’s  right,  she’s  definitely  here  now.  still  putting  up  with  him.  slowly  leaning  up  once  his  back  starts  to  ache  in  this  position,  his  eyes  open  and  burn  from  the  light  stinging  them  after  they  were  finally  starting  to  rest.  then,  flicker  to  the  vanity  with  the  razor  popping  back  into  his  mind.  but–  he  realizes  he’s  not  able  to  freely  do  anymore  harm…just  a  few  more  cuts…with  heather  here  as  his  eyes  flicker  on  her.  looking  at  her  shoulders  instead  of  her  eyes,  he  didn’t  even  catch  what  she  just  said.  realizing  he  was  so  stuck  in  his  thoughts.  “i’m  fine,”  using  one  finger  to  gently  flick  the  tendril  hanging  from  her  face  from  her  bun,  “i  just  feel  hot  and  cold.”  rubbing  his  eyes,  careful  not  to  rub  the  heel  of  his  fist  into  the  sore  bruise  close  to  underneath  his  right  eye.  both  is  a  terrible  combination,  he  doesn’t  know  if  he  wants  to  cover  up  or  throw  cold  water  on  his  face.  dropping  his  hand,  his  other  is  still  being  held  on  by  heather’s  as  he  pushes  himself  up  from  the  floor.  

@thcrnedroses ❧ heather holloway

　　　　Smiling at Billy moving a rebellious curl away from her face, Heather’s fingers reached for the lonely pill remained on the sink before leading him to the bed. « Yeah, that’s because you’ve lost blood and you have frozen in the cold. Your body has been through a lot. » Kissing the back of his hand that was glued to hers, she didn’t even mention the horrible fight he had with his dad, the aching bruises adding to the cuts and fever that was burning him. No wonder he felt so bad, Heather was honestly amazed he was still standing as the bloodied towels fell on the ground. She was sure he was going to sleep for a whole day as soon as his lids would close, so she made him sit on the mattress and quickly reached for the glittery purple box she kept underneath. « I like to make things pretty. » She explained with a chuckle, as she opened it and spread what was inside of the blankets, revealing a very glamorous first-aid kit. From neon-yellow bandages to rainbow band-aids and a bottle of disinfectant on which she had hot-glued blue plastic gems and a sticker that said “Magic Potion”, Heather had put everything together after one of the many Friday nights spent fixing Billy’s knuckles after a random fight. She had even found some cotton pads decorated with unicorns, gems from the kids section of the drugstore. Letting go of Billy’s hand for one second so she could damp one pad with disinfectant, she handed him the pill he surely needed. Calm struggling to remain inside her chocolate hues, Heather’s smile was still the softest as she waited for permission. « Arm or thigh first? They’re gonna sting like a jellyfish. »